Thatcher was always so intense; it drove me wild. Quiet, mostly, but every time his blue eyes roamed all over me, it was like they held a promise of all these delicious and naughty things he’d like to do to me. He studied me like I was a precious gemstone that he wanted to feel with his hands.

The way he was with Thayer just then, had me melting in my spot. He vexed me like no other man I’d ever met in my life. There was always something about him that shook me up a bit. He was the opposite of suit-wearing Adrian – Thatcher was tall and handsome with a laidback style; down-right country in his worn denim jeans and flannel work shirt all the way to his steel-toed work boots. That tattoo along his forearm that my mama would always say was a work of the devil but got my insides acting all crazy anyway. He was just plain naughty giving me all these dirty thoughts. Or maybe it was me who was naughty.

“When’s daddy coming home?”

“In two days, remember?”

I tore my thoughts away from Thayer’s father long enough to drive us through Lone Star and pull into the driveway. Home. They say home is where the heart is but I feel like I just left my heart back there at the feed store and well, no one is living there so I don't know if I’ve got the meaning of that saying down correctly.

“Got your bin, Thayer?”

“It's a turtle house, mama.”

“Yes, I suppose it is a turtle house. Let's go on in and get that turtle into his new home.”

It was more than difficult to push Thatcher out of my mind when I was constantly around his spitting image. Anyone with half a brain on their head could see the similarities, even if Thayer had blond hair opposite Thatcher’s dark brown hair. With similar names, which Adrian and I did intentionally, it couldn’t be that hard to figure out. Could it? I’m sure there were plenty of people who remembered Thatcher and I joined at the hips at one point. No one ever questioned it though. I'm sure the whole town speculated on who was Thayer’s father because he didn't look a thing like Adrian. Since I was married and not knocked-up, I guess no one cared who Thayer’s real daddy was. Which is exactly what was best at the time.

It didn’t bother me much. I’d long gotten over Thatcher and whatever his shift in attitude toward me was when I wound up pregnant. In fact, I was certain he didn’t deserve me no matter how crazy he made me feel. The three of us had all been great friends in high school with Thatcher and I always on the brink of exploring something more. We’d never committed ourselves to each other, but it was like an unspoken agreement that he and I were a couple. Even our last two years in high school when we hadn’t yet kissed or done anything like that, it was evident to all the guys my heart belonged to him.

Then one summer not too long after high school when it finally happened, we’d spent many nights underneath those country stars.

When I told him I was pregnant, the next thing I knew was Adrian was stepping up to the plate promising me a scandal-free life in this small town. Not one to disappoint my mama, I agreed whole-heartedly to the opportunity. Thatcher though, as resentful as I was toward him, still managed to have a hold of my heart.

“Here, Mama, you take Spider-Man.”

Thayer peeked into the box at his pet. He’d only held him a few times, still getting used to the feel of the reptile and the way he would push on his hands with his legs as he tried to get away. I couldn’t help but be enthralled with the reptile, too. Sometimes in the quiet when Thayer was laying down for a nap, I’d hold the turtle finding comfort in the small, barely there pulses on the underside of his shell.

“He’s happy to be in his new home.” I told Thayer as the little turtle moved around the bin Thatcher happily provided for us. I moved his water dish over as Thayer dumped some bedding mulch into the bin.

“I think he likes it.”

“I agree. I have to go get the mail, do you want to come with or would you like Mama to get you some milk and cookies and you can watch a cartoon before your nap?”

“Milk and cookies, of course.”

“Of course. Come on, little guy.”

Our kitchen was small and I’d decorated it black and white. Somewhere along the way, the black and white had become cow-themed and I now had cow paraphernalia almost everywhere. Cow flour and sugar canisters, salt and pepper shakers and a decorative sign I’d picked up at a garage sale that read ‘An udder day in paradise.’

My kitchen wasn’t anything fancy, white appliances and dark gray laminate countertops. When we’d bought the house, we’d installed new cabinets and instead of the old dark wood that came out of the seventies, they were now a light honey-oak color. I washed my hands, grabbed the cookies and milk from the fridge and poured Thayer his milk, setting a handful of cookies on a napkin to go with it.

“Thayer, go wash your hands first.”

Thayer jumped up from his turtle enclosure and ran down the hall. Satisfied at hearing the faucet running, I waited patiently for the little guy to come out. He sat down at his table ready for his snack. Another garage sale item. I was a stickler for those. Passing up something that was almost new simply because it wasn’t wanted or needed anymore was good enough for me not to have to fork over crazy amounts of money. Who cares if it was used? So long as it was gently used, I didn’t mind. Adrian used to make fun of me all the time about my garage sale finds. Rightfully so. If I came from a family such as his, I’d probably frown upon used things too.

The mail carrier was just pulling away as I stepped outside. The weather was exceptionally cool today for the beginning of August. I was equally excited and sad that Thayer would be starting pre-school in another week. It seemed like yesterday I’d come home with him bundled in my arms.

“Beautiful day out, isn’t it?” Mr. Hansen, my neighbor, was retrieving his mail at the same time.

“Yes, it is. How are you doing today?”

“Pretty good. I get hip surgery next week that I’m not looking forward to.”

“You’ll be fine. It’ll make you feel better I can promise you that. I’ll make your favorite and bring it over to you. Still Key Lime Pie?”

“Sure is. Why thank you. How’d I get so lucky to have a neighbor that loves old people?”

“How’d I get so lucky to have old people for neighbors?” I asked as I got the mail out of my box.

He laughed and waved at me. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too. See you next week.”

I thumbed through my mail. Junk mostly. My divorce papers indicating it was now final. It hadn’t been as grueling of a process as I’d thought it would be with Adrian not being Thayer’s biological father. It had been mostly pain-free. Except for the fact that Thayer wasn’t exactly sure what was happening and I had no clue what I should say to him to try to get him to understand.

“Mama, I’m done with my cookies. Can I have some more?” Thayer asked from the open screen door.

“You can have one more, Thayer.”

I hustled in, setting all the mail on the counter, and fished out another cookie for Thayer. Once he was finished, I coaxed him into a nap. He had more energy than any child I knew. Must just be boys cause my sister’s daughter, Claire, she wasn’t near as wound up as Thayer could be. At least that’s what she claimed when we talked. Claire didn’t live around here so she and I never chatted much. I read him a quick story and before I was finished, the little guy was asleep. I shut the book and kissed his forehead, pulling his Spider-Man blanket up to his chin.

Ring! I quickly shut Thayer’s bedroom door before the ringing of the phone woke him up. Rushing over, I picked it up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Abby. It’s Adrian.”

“Hi. Are you on your way home?”

“No, actually. I’m going to have to stay down here for another week. We’re close to getting this deal but I don’t think it’s going to happen overnight. Could be back sooner, but I don’t know. Hey listen, I was calling because I wanted to let you know that Rachel and I secured a place. We’ll be moving out of the loft once I can get back.”

“Okay. I got the papers this afternoon.”

“That was fast. I guess we didn’t have much to argue about like some.”

This was true. He’d obligingly handed over the house. Instead of alimony, we’d agreed he would pay the monthly mortgage on the house for me. With my job as a receptionist at Lone Star’s newspaper, I didn’t make a whole lot of money. Enough for essentials but not that and a mortgage. Especially without Adrian’s help.

“No, I suppose not. Is there anything else you wanted?”

He sighed, both of us silent. “I’m sorry, Abby. You can’t help who you love and I couldn’t keep pretending.”

“Look Adrian, you don’t have to keep apologizing. I totally understand.” Thatcher in his button-downed shirt and the look on his face when Thayer ran into him that morning popped into my head. Definitely couldn’t help it. But I wasn’t about to bring that up. Especially when I didn’t love Thatcher Patterson.

Period.

“You say that now, but I know when we planned to do this, we envisioned doing it forever. I’m worried about Thayer.”

“Me too. You’ll still be in his life though. You’re the only dad he’s ever known.”

“Has he asked for me?”

“He mentioned you this morning, couldn’t wait for you to get home.”

“He’ll have to come see our place once I get back.”

“I’m sure he’ll like that. Will you be there for his first day?”

“I think so. As long as I’m not here. Speaking of which, what about Thatcher?”

An unwanted tingle spread through my insides at the mention of Thayer’s father. Funny as it was, I’d been thinking the same thing.

“Thayer and I went and bought a bin from his place earlier and I didn’t mention a thing.”

I don’t know why I felt the way I did as we spoke about him. I didn’t want to feel this way. I shouldn’t, that was for certain. He’d made it clear he didn’t want me or to marry me so I shouldn’t be feeling all tingly and breathless thinking about how he looked today. How the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the unique way in which his tattoo snaked around his forearm and how that made me wild, too. Adrian was cleaned and polished. Thatcher was rugged and wasn’t afraid to get dirty. Down and dirty. I shivered.

“We have to tell him, Abby.”

“We don’t have to tell Thatcher anything. This is our business, not his.”

“He’s been a really good friend of mine since middle school. He’s the reason we got married. I owe it to him to tell him.”

“I’m not ready to tell him or anyone else, Adrian.” As long as he didn’t know, I wouldn’t have to fight off his advances toward me. Cause I knew that look in Thatcher’s eyes better than anyone. That look that blazed in his eyes only minutes ago. Those forearms. I shivered at the naughty direction my thoughts were headed.

“Abby,” he said exasperated, “I’m already out of the house. He’s going to figure this out sooner or later. Especially when Rachel and I move from the loft to our rental. It’s a wonder he didn’t see me moving out of the house the first time! Look, if you don’t tell him by the time I come back to Lone Star, I’ll tell him. It’s guy code. I owe it to him to tell him.”

“We owe it to him? Come on Adrian. We don’t owe it to him. You married me and did me a favor because he was too chicken shit to step up to the plate!” I regretted the words immediately, knowing how petty I sounded. It’d been five years and it still riled me up something fierce.

“Abby, Lone Star is a small town. Once I get back, someone is bound to notice. That is, if someone hasn’t already.”

“Well, I still have a week then.”

“Fine. A week. When I come back, I’m going to have to tell him. It’s common courtesy if nothing else.”

“Whatever. Fine. Enjoy your week. Call back tonight if you can. Thayer will be waiting to hear from you.”

“Of course. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Ugh! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Thatcher made me so damn mad. Had he taken responsibility like a normal man, had he wanted me just enough, I wouldn’t be a new divorcee right now. On second thought, maybe I would be. As Thatcher’s ex-wife. And that thought stung much more than it should. More than being Adrian’s did and I knew that was completely unfair.

Adrian was right though. With the divorced finalized, the people in Lone Star were bound to find out sooner or later. At least anyone that knew us anyway. Thankfully Mama already knew and she’d been sworn to secrecy, otherwise if she didn’t know she’d be fit to be tied once she found out. I only had a handful of friends, which I suspected might change once Thayer started pre-school and I was certain they all suspected Adrian and I weren’t head-over-boots in love, but I would tell them soon. Soon enough.

Possibly I should tell Thatcher first. But I didn’t want to. My refusal to let him in on this big change, I suspected, was fueled by the fact that he made his bed by making it clear he didn’t want me and this was my selfish way of somehow getting back at him. Hoping it would hurt him by not confiding in him, like he’d hurt me when he gave us up. It was utterly selfish, but there were some things I just couldn’t help.

Being a hundred percent honest, those looks Thatcher was giving me earlier, I was afraid of those looks. Afraid I would succumb to the thoughts behind them and let him back into my bed. There was something thrilling about the possibility of having a grown man Thatcher in my bed versus the younger, not-so-experienced Thatcher, who in my mind, had been amazing too. What would the current Thatcher do to me?

I damn near orgasmed on the spot.

There were times I’d never think of him: not those rough hands and the memories of how large they looked as they embraced my thighs. Not the idea of whether his lips, still firm and demanding, were even more experienced than they were five years ago. But then there were times like now, where Thatcher Patterson completely took me over. So badly that my girl parts clenched in want, in needed relief from all thoughts of him and how possibly, five years later, he was more manly, tattooed, and fully-grown and how he probably changed all of his wicked ways into new, wildly delicious ways.

With Thayer fast asleep, I went to my room and retrieved my one and only toy that had been relieving my sexual frustrations for five years now. Curling up next to the headboard of my bed, I pulled my bottoms down to my ankles and slide the toy right in. Seeing Thatcher and memorizing his sexy looks coupled with the pulsing vibrations along my sweet spot, I orgasmed without any difficulty.

I daydreamed about what it would be like to have a real man instead of what I was currently using. Mostly it was Thatcher who invaded these special moments, to touch me, to worship me and make me feel like a woman. A woman that desperately needed the feel of a man’s rough skin against hers, the feel of his stubble tickling the sensitive skin between her legs. It’d been so long; I’d practically forgotten what it was like.

I cherished these times when I was alone. Thinking of those small moments where Thatcher brushed up against my arm, or when I grasped his wrist thanking him for his help today. How he always somehow managed to touch me, whether it was a small brush on the arm or his large hand nestling into my back, I knew he was still attracted to me after all this time. The way his eyes would get serious on me but I could see something behind them – something that was meant for only me and was a promise of so much more than I could let him give me. Even the glint of excitement in his eyes when the three of us sat on the ground and how we couldn’t dare voice these issues because I was married to Adrian.

Small things that went unnoticed by most people but ran through my head over and over as I lay here feeding the frenzy within me. It was always his large, working hands that got me all shook up and how it would feel to have him capture me and press me up against his body much like he does with all those bags of food and boxes of inventory at his store. The way his forearms flex tight and that tattoo of his had me wondering what sort of naughty things he’d do to me, how he would do them. I envisioned looking down at him between my thighs with his hands between my legs.

Thinking how that mouth of his and his cupid’s bow – it was more defined than mine – coupled with the small amount of stubble that graced his face circling his mouth underneath his nose and along his chin, would feel as it grazed along my thighs up to the point of no return. What would it feel like to run my fingertips along his lips and face? To trace the line of his lips? To feel those short hairs tickling my fingers and even my mouth as I kissed him? Another orgasm took hold of me and I embraced it, praying that someday I’d have a real man who would bring me to orgasm.

A man that would be good to my son. Adrian was great to Thayer and I knew he always would be. But I also knew he and Rachel would soon have kids of their own and because Adrian didn’t have legal claims over Thayer, his responsibilities toward Rachel and his new family would come first. As it should.

After righting my clothes back into place and cleaning my toy, placing it on the shelf in my closet, I went out to the kitchen for a cup of tea. Spider-Man seemed to be enjoying his new space and I tried really hard not to think of Thatcher. Adrian was right though. About telling him. Shit was going to hit the fan once he found out about our divorce. I don’t know if Thatcher thought much about our relationship but Adrian and I had never been in love our entire marriage so he couldn’t be that shocked, could he? Somewhere he had to have a clue, didn’t he?

Adrian was a salesman for agricultural chemicals and Rachel was Adrian’s assistant and when she started there two years ago, I wondered if Adrian and she were beginning to have feelings for one another. Having never had sex with Adrian, I didn’t feel cheated on in the general sense of the word, when he told me about her. What could I do? Us getting married sounded like a great idea when I was pregnant, but keeping Adrian from having a life with someone he had fallen in love with, seemed too much for me to keep up this charade.

Yeah, Thatcher was going to blow a gasket. I chuckled at the thought. I liked to push his buttons. When and if I could anyway. I didn’t always get the chance of course but when I did, I pushed. I grabbed the phone and called my mama.

“Hey Mama!”

“Abigail girl, how’s my baby?”

“I’m fine, Mama. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing good. Just getting ready to go out and feed the horses.”

“When you going to stop working so hard?”

“When I’m dead.”

This was me and my mama’s standard introduction. She lived about ten miles north of Lone Star out in the country and I’d since given up on trying to get her to move back into town where she wouldn’t have to worry about anything but a small yard and her three dogs.

“Oh mama, I got the divorce papers today.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Adrian was such a good man.”

“He still is a good man, Mama.”

“A good man would stay with the woman he married. Not gallivant around with his assistant.”

“Mama, we’ve done been through this! Adrian is a good man and he always will be. He’ll be there for Thayer as long as my son needs him.”

“It’s you I’m worried about.”

I thought of my non-existent sex life and rolled my eyes. “Mama, Adrian has done a good job taking care of us. Much more than I could have ever asked for. And do not bring up Thatcher, you hear me? I can’t take much more of him today.”

“You talked to him? What did he say?”

“I haven’t told him yet. I saw him at the feed store. We had to get Thayer something to house his turtle.”

“How’s that fine young gentleman doing?”

I rolled my eyes again. How could she be so hard on Adrian when this was all Thatcher’s fault? She acted like Thatcher was God’s gift to women. I ignored the acceleration of my heart at that idea.

“He’s fine, Mama. Looks the same as always.”

“He saw Thayer?”

“Of course he did. Little guy ran right into him. He liked it.”

“Thatcher or Thayer?”

“Thatcher, of course. I could see it in his eyes.”

“You know he gave y’all up for a good reason, don’t ya?”

“No Mama, he didn’t. I’m not in the mood to go over this again with you. It’s like you want to bring this issue up every few months. I can’t do it today.”

“You mark my words Abigail Layne, Thatcher gave you up for a damned good reason and I know, I just know, that he’s more of a hero than you think.”