Max leant against the hallway wall as he heard “La Vie en Rose” play from Emily’s hospital room. Each French word caused his heart to clench. He knew that this was Josie’s way of saying goodbye to her mother.

It was beautiful to hear that song.

It had so much depth and meaning to her, her mother, and now him.

And he knew he had done the right thing by buying those pink roses. They added to the beauty of the song that had played almost a half an hour ago.

Jeff Faulkner, Stella, and West had returned to the hallway, but when Max told them Josie was inside, sadness and helplessness consumed their eyes. Josie’s father suggested they give her space and time. Max had politely declined the ambassador’s offer to go get coffee downstairs while they waited. He insisted he be there just in case Jose needed him. Stella had smiled and nodded. Then they had all turned and made their way to the elevator.

Max settled his back against the wall and waited.

Josie had been in there for almost an hour.

He didn’t want to rush her.

This was her goodbye.

And she could take longer than today if she needed.

The pinging from his phone had Max pushing off the wall and retrieving it from the front pocket of his jeans. He noticed Julian’s name on his screen, and he unlocked his phone.

 

Julian: Can we please go out tonight? Please, please, please, please, please, please? Rob is at some charity auction, and Stephanie has an assignment due on Monday and desperately wants me out of the apartment because I’m too annoying. I’M too annoying? I don’t think she realises she clicks her pen aggressively as she studies. But I don’t complain.

 

Max shook his head. He loved his best friend, but right now wasn’t the time they should be hanging out till late drinking. Right now, his focus was Josie. He needed to be by her side more than ever. Julian might not understand, but Max had to be vague. Max was sure she hadn’t told her friends except for Stella and West. Max pursed his lips, then typed out a reply to his best friend.

 

Max: Hey, Julian. I can’t hang out tonight. Sorry. I can’t explain right now. Don’t you have some work to do? Aren’t you a VP or something? I’m sure you have work to do.

 

Julian: UGH. You’re just like Rob with the whole questioning my work ethic. I do have work to do. I always have work to do. But I also make sure I’ve taken care of what is important first. If it’s something that doesn’t need my attention because it is stupid (like the cost of paper) then I’ll save it for Monday. Please, Max? I thought you loved me.

 

Max: Why can’t you hang out with Noel?

 

Julian: No. I am pissed off at him. He ate the cookie Clara saved for me. So we’re no longer friends. I’d kick him out of MY (I don’t care if it’s technically Clara’s) apartment, but Stephanie forbid me from doing so.

 

Max: I’m pretty sure Stevie has a brother you can annoy. He is technically going to be your brother-in-law when you marry her. Text him. I can’t talk right now.

 

Julian: You, sir, are no longer my hero.

 

Max: I’ll be your hero another time.

 

Julian: You’d better be. I still love you and everything. But you’d better be!

 

The sound of the door handle turning had Max lowering his phone and lifting his chin to discover Josie walking out of her mother’s room. Her red, glassy eyes met his, and Max deserted his post by the wall and rushed to her. She had opened her mouth to speak, but Max pulled her to his chest and wrapped his arms securely around her. Josie’s arms circled around his waist as she took deep breaths. Letting his chin rest on her shoulder, he held her tightly, breathing in that smell of her citrus shampoo.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she trailed her palms to the sides of his body. Then Josie pushed against him and separated them. She glanced up at him with a small smile that held glints of her grief, holding her back from really smiling the way she used to.

Max glanced down to see the form in her hand, and his heart ached uncomfortably for her. His eyes returned to Josie’s, and she blinked several times.

“I signed it,” she stated in a small voice. “I let ‘La Vie en Rose’ play for the last time, and when it ended, I signed my name on the line. I knew I asked you to be by my side when I did, but as I sat there with her, in a room full of pink roses, I knew I had to be alone to do this. Just me and my mother. For the last time.”

He reached out and cupped her jaw. “I understand. I’m so very proud of you for finding the strength to sign it. I know it mustn’t have been easy.”

Her blue eyes twinkled as a flash of appreciation swept them. “Thank you, Max.” Then she looked around the hallway. “Where is everyone?”

“Downstairs. They wanted you to have uninterrupted time with your mother.”

“Well, do you want to sit with me? Dr Frederickson won’t be stopping by for a while. I don’t want her to be alone on her last day.”

Max nodded. “Of course.”

Josie spun around, and Max followed her into her mother’s room. Once inside, he shut the door and watched as Josie picked up a chair opposite her mother’s bed and walked with it until she reached her own chair and set it down next to it.

“Josephine, I could have done that,” he said.

“I know,” she replied as she sat down, reached over, and grasped her mother’s hand between hers. She squeezed it once and then let her go.

Max walked to the free chair, sat down, and rested his forearm against the armrest. He craned his neck just as Josie turned, and their eyes collided. He saw her sadness and grief. He also saw the love in her eyes. Not purely for him, but for her mother. Josie reached over and covered his hand with hers. Smiling at her, he flipped his hand over and entwined their fingers together. Then she let out a breath, shifted in her seat, and rested her head against his shoulder.

At that moment, he felt as if she needed him for nothing else than being himself.

Josephine Faulkner had been the only woman to ever want or need him.

There were no games.

Her love was honest.

Her love was real.

She had been the only real love in his life, and he was determined to spend his life making sure she knew that. He would never let her down again.

In their silence, their love spoke volumes.

In their silence, their love could never wane.

He knew that.

She was his La Vie En Rose.

His life in pink.

A better, happier life.

“Thank you, Max,” she whispered.

Max turned his head, dipped his chin slightly, and kissed the top of her head. “I’m always here, Josephine. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m never leaving you.”

A knock on the door had Josie lifting her head from his shoulder and sitting up properly. She had just drifted off to sleep, and Max didn’t move. She had been up early, and he was sure she was tired. That, and her emotions and the significance of today took its toll on her.

“Come in,” Josie said, sounding groggy as she rubbed her palms over her face. She turned to face him. “I fell asleep?”

“I think you just did,” he answered as the door opened, and he heard several different sets of footsteps enter the room.

“Hey,” Josie said, removing her linked hand from Max’s and standing from the chair.

He turned to find her father, Stella, and West by the door. Josie walked over to her father and gave him a quick hug.

“How are you holding up?” Stella asked, the concern glazing her emerald eyes.

“I’m doing okay. Dad …”

The fear in her voice had Max rising from his chair and joining everyone. He knew she could do it. She could tell her father she had signed the form. Max wanted to be there to offer his hand and his support. Once he reached her side, he set his palm on her shoulder and squeezed it to reassure her.

Josie tilted her chin up at him and made a small nod. “Dad,” she repeated.

“Yes, Josephine?”

She sucked air through her nostrils as her chest rose and then fell when she exhaled. She licked her lips as if they were dry, and then covered Max’s hand on his shoulder with hers. “I signed the form, Dad. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sign it with you because …” She paused for a moment as tears consumed her bright blues. “I was scared you’d stop me if you were with me. I didn’t want to look you in the eye and regret my decision. It just felt like something I had to do with Mamma.”

“It’s okay, Josephine,” her father assured in a calm, levelled tone. But Max saw the anguish in Jeff’s eyes—he had wanted to be there.

Another knock on the door had everyone turning in its direction. Dr Frederickson walked into the room with a tight smile on his face.

“Josie, may I speak to you outside?” the doctor asked.

Josie’s fingers wrapped around Max’s, squeezed gently, and then removed his touch from her shoulder as she nodded at the doctor. “Sure. I’ll be back in a second.”

Max watched as Josie walked to her mother’s bed, picked up the Withdrawal of Life Support form from the bed and followed the doctor.

She had done it.

Found the strength to make a decision.

To end her mother’s suffering.

 

 

Dr Frederickson held the door open as Josie walked out of her mother’s hospital room and into the hallway. She made a left turn and walked farther down until she was some distance away from the room. She didn’t want the ones she loved to hear her telling the doctor to end her mother’s life support. That was not a memory she wanted them to have today. This was Josie’s memory. Her responsibility given to her by her mother.

When Josie’s mother had requested she have power of attorney, Josie had refused. She had fought her mother over it, saying there was no need for her to have such power and responsibility. But now that Josie was about to exercise her power, she realised her mother was allowing herself to have one final decision at life through Josie. Through her only daughter. Josie knew her mother wanted her to make the decision and not anyone else.

Not Josie’s father.

Not her mother’s lawyer.

Her.

Her mother’s daughter.

Josie spun around and faced the doctor who had followed her down the hall. In the two years Dr Frederickson had been her mother’s doctor, Josie had come to know him and respect him. She knew this wasn’t easy for him. He had once told her that he was shocked that a lovely, bright woman like her mother could only ever have one visitor. That was when Josie had told him her mother’s desire to keep her health a secret. The only people who knew were Josie, Stella, West, and her mother’s lawyer.

Dr Frederickson glanced down, training his eyes on the paper in her hands. It was crazy how a single signature determined a life’s longevity.

A single decision.

“I signed it,” she announced to him.

The doctor’s lips pressed into another tight smile as he lifted his chin so that his eyes met her. “Okay. Would you like me to grab the hospital’s councillor before we begin?”

Josie shook her head. “No, thank you. I don’t need a councillor. I have the right support system. But I appreciate the offer.”

“Would you like me to go in detail of the process of end-of-life care?”

She nodded, not wanting to agree out loud.

Dr Frederickson cleared his throat and dug his hands into the pockets of his white coat. “I’ll need the forms, of course. I’ll check that your signature for approval is on the back page. If you would like just you in there, that is all right. If you’d like your friends and father in there, too, that is all right as well. I’ll have a nurse assist as I’ll be by your side. She’ll also check the form, and that is when we’ll draw the windows closed and ensure that the door is shut for your privacy and your mother’s. And then we’ll proceed with the withdrawal of your mother’s life support, which—”

“That’s okay,” she said, interrupting the doctor’s explanation of what was to come. Josie forced her pain to settle in her chest. She would not cry. Not right now. She didn’t want pity from anyone. The burden of her choice would always linger over her. But it was the right choice, and Josie had come to terms with it. “You don’t need to tell me anymore. My mother was an organ donor before her cancer diagnosis. Does that mean she won’t be able to donate?”

Dr Frederickson shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. We’re not sure what organs her cancer affected, but many had already begun to shut down. It’s in the best interests of potential organ receivers that we don’t allow the donation of your mother’s organs.”

Josie had suspected that would be the case. She was disappointed that one of her mother’s wishes could not be fulfilled, but she was sure her mother would understand. Josie nodded as her eyes fell to the papers in her hands.

“I thought my mother was always going to be there with me,” she whispered as she fought hard to keep her tears from falling free. Then she lifted her chin and saw the sadness on her doctor’s face. “My mother was the one who welcomed me into this world. It seems unfair that I have to be the one who ensures she says goodbye to this world with my decision to end her life. She gave me life when I give her death. But when I think about it, she gave me the chance to give her the greatest gift … and that’s peace. She’s suffered a long time, and I want to give her peace.”

The doctor reached out and set a hand on her shoulder. “She would be proud of you, Josie. And I know she loves you. I saw that love so many times. I heard her say it even more. Now I have to ask, are you ready?”

She appreciated his comfort. Out of all the doctors her mother could have had, she was thankful Dr Frederickson had been there to treat her mother and be her friend.

Josie felt her tears begin to well, and she blinked to release them. If she held back her emotions, she’d feel horrible. Even crying, she felt horrible. There was nothing about today that made her feel like a good person at all. She wasn’t sure if her morality was intact. But as her mother’s daughter, she knew deep down that this was right. She would feel human in time. For now, she would be Death and God.

For her mother.

For peace.

To let her find freedom.

So Josie held the papers a little higher, and Dr Frederickson dropped his hand from her shoulder to take them from her. He let out a heavy exhale, unfolded it, and turned to the last page. When he noted her signature, he nodded.

“Okay, Josie,” he said. “I’ll go get the nurse. Are you ready for us to begin?”

Am I ready?

Am I ready to kill my mother?

Am I ready to watch her die?

No.

I’ll never be.

But …

“I have to be,” she said out loud.

The doctor nodded once again. “All right. I’ll see you back in your mother’s room.”

Just as he turned to walk to the nurse’s desk, she called out, “Dr Frederickson!”

He halted and then spun around to face her. His brows were furrowed, and she could see the worry consume his facial expression. He was worried she was having second thoughts. But she wasn’t. There were no second thoughts. Guilt was a monster, but for right now, she fought it away.

Josie swallowed the lump in her throat that she presumed was a sob that had gotten caught in her attempt at containing her emotions. “I just wanted to say thank you. For everything you’ve done for my mother and for me. You were more like a father to me during this than my actual father was. And I just really want to thank you for being there. For letting me hug you when I had no one else to hug. I couldn’t have done this without you, and I really appreciate you in more ways than just one. Signing that form wasn’t for my dad. It was for you. So I could make sure I never let you down. So I could show you my strength. You never pressured me. And I’m sure you’ve had your bosses on your back for keeping my mother here longer than she probably should have been. I know you did it because I needed more time. So thank you. Thank you so much for everything,” she said with tears streaming down her face.

Dr Frederickson said nothing as he closed the distance and wrapped his arms tightly around her. He held her lovingly. It was the kind of embrace she had been lacking her entire life. “You’re welcome, Josie. I wish—”

“I know,” she whispered into his chest and let her eyes close.

Because this was a fraction of peace she had always wanted to find.

The moment Josie walked back into her mother’s room without the papers, her father broke down. At that moment, she knew signing them on her own was the best decision she could have made. Josie wanted to comfort him, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t take away the guilt on his face. Whatever regrets he had was on him. Max was the one who wrapped his arms around her father and comforted him. As Stella stood next to her and rubbed soothing circles on her back, Josie couldn’t take her eyes off Max.

He was comforting her father.

It should be her job, but Josie didn’t trust her emotions right now.

It was all so raw.

The decision she made stripped her bare.

Completely vulnerable.

And she didn’t want to suddenly explode and blame her father.

But the man who was holding her father was a man so opposite to him that Josie was disgusted for even thinking he was close to being like her father. She wanted to go over there and tell Max how much she appreciated him. How grateful she was for his support. And most importantly, how much more she loved him.

“Josie,” Dr Frederickson said.

She was so out of it that she didn’t even hear him knock or enter. She was so transfixed on Max whispering in her father’s ear. She had heard him mumble out something along the lines of, “Josephine needs you to be strong, Jeff,” before her father straightened his posture and pushed off Max’s chest. The Australian Ambassador to Germany had cleared his throat and nodded at Max.

Josie stepped away from Stella and noticed that the doctor was not alone. Next to him was a nurse in scrubs. She looked her mother’s age—mid-forties—her tight brown curls tied back in a high ponytail. She looked tired, and Josie appreciated that she didn’t have a smile on her face. Or one of those “it gets better” expressions. No, this nurse was real.

She made the atmosphere and the day real.

Josie didn’t need anything but the harsh truth right now.

“Josie, this is Monica,” the doctor introduced.

“Hello,” Monica greeted.

“Hello,” Josie said in the most mechanical tone she had ever used. It came so naturally to her as if it were a defence mechanism.

The nurse’s lips pressed tightly together. “Are we ready?”

A complete stranger asking her seemed to pull the air from her lungs and lodge it painfully in her chest. Josie’s lips parted but nothing came out. She blinked several times, but it was all that her body could do.

“Do you need a minute?” Monica asked.

Josie nodded, and the nurse and doctor stepped aside, revealing her mother lying in the bed, tube in her mouth and still hooked to the many different machines she had been on for almost a week. But unlike Sunday, she had dozens of pink roses to send her off.

To send her to La Vie En Rose.

To find peace.

And to find a place in the stars where she’d be most comfortable so she could look down on Josie.

One step.

She had made it hesitatingly.

The second was probably the worst because it led to her fingers brushing against the mattress.

And the third was the kick starter.

The one that had her taking more when she realised she could do it.

When Josie reached her mother’s side, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. For a single moment, she pretended this wasn’t the end. That this wasn’t goodbye. This was her telling her mother she’d see her when she was discharged.

For a single moment, Josie lied to herself.

And when that moment was over, she let the truth settle in her chest and she opened her eyes.

For a single moment, everything was okay.

Just one single moment.

Josie’s eyes trailed down her mother’s body. She was so still. So already gone that even if miracles were granted, Josie would still lose.

So she would let her mother win.

“I love you,” Josie said as she reached out and pressed her fingers gently against her mother’s cheek. “I just want you to know that I do. I have loved you all my life and will continue to. All those promises I was too proud to make you, I’ll work on them. Just make sure that when I do see you again, you have a smile on your face, and you have enough time set aside so I can tell you all the days I have lived without and for you. I love you, Mamma.”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

She took each beep as a word of her mother’s love one last time.

I.

Love.

You.

Then Josie bent her knees, leant over, and kissed her mother’s temple. “Thank you for your La Vie En Rose,” she said softly once she pulled back.

She let out an exhale of her heart’s pain and glanced over to find Max’s teary eyes on her. Then she gazed at her father. He nodded at her as if he had finally accepted what was to happen. And to the side, her two favourite people, Stella and West, held hands as they gave her tight, reassuring smiles. Then she focused on Dr Frederickson. He had been with her since the first day. It felt right that he was here on the last day.

“I’m ready,” she told him.

He handed the nurse the papers, and she flipped them over to the last page. She took in Josie’s signature and handed the form back to Dr Frederickson. The nurse walked over to the windows and shut the shades from prying eyes.

It was a blur.

The next thirty seconds was a blur of movement and sounds of machines being switched off. Every machine Monica turned off increased the sound of silence in the room. Josie focused on her mother, telling herself not to look at the machines.

She heard the ventilators powering down, and her breathing suddenly ceased. It was as if Monica had turned off her ability to breathe instead of her mother’s. Monica then set her hands on the tube in Josie’s mother’s mouth. She didn’t remove it straightaway. Instead, her eyes met Josie’s as if she were asking permission. Josie looked at her. Something on her face must have encouraged Monica to go ahead because she slowly reached up and removed the tape that held the tube in place. Seconds later, she gently removed the plastic tube from her mother’s mouth and disposed of it.

Josie gazed back at her mother, whispered, “I love you so much,” and watched as the air in her mother’s lungs left her for the final time as her chest heaved.

Then she heard it.

That flat line consistent beep.

It echoed loudly.

It announced that her mother had finally left her.

Josie bent down and pressed a long kiss to her mother’s forehead.

When she had inched her lips back a fraction, she breathed, “Goodbye, Mamma.”

And with the last goodbye she would ever tell her mother, Josie knew that the woman who had loved her through it all would finally find a heaven that would always be a vision of a life of La Vie En Rose.