Kerri
The pregnancy has caused me to get a second wind in exploring Lucien’s incarceration.
Actually, I've spent the last few days obsessing over Lucien’s case. Pouring over newspaper reports and court transcripts, and Googling every possible search term I can think of to dig up even obscure details. I honestly can't believe what I've been reading. The findings are shocking. There are a number of discrepancies that even to an untrained eye like mine stand out as glaringly obvious.
Lucien is sitting next to me. I can't wait to tell him everything I've learned in the last 24 hours. Does he even realize what a shitty job his lawyer did representing him?
I set everything up so that we could meet in the infirmary today, and now here he is. But I'm nervous because I know there's another reason why I wanted to meet with him today, and I don't know how he's going to handle it. But I have to say it. Holding it in is driving me crazy and clouding my thoughts.
When I told him I had something to share with him, I figured he'd be in a better mood, but he's acting sullen and withdrawn, as if he's preoccupied. But I know this could be the break he needs—all of these discrepancies—and honestly this is a break I need too. Maybe he'll snap out of whatever mood he's in when I tell him what I've found.
I touch his hand with mine. They are big and calloused—working-man hands—and sit in stark contrast to my own. He may feel that there's no hope, but I'm not buying that. I think he's wrong. Not wanting to waste anymore time, I start to tell him about what I've dug up.
"I've been researching your case and I've found some factors that haven't—"
He cuts me off. "You've what? Are you fucking serious?" The look on his face is pure anger.
"What do you mean?" I ask, taken aback. That wasn't the response I was expecting.
"Stop. Just stop, okay? You have no business digging through my case. I've been convicted, remember? That means a judge and jury have found me guilty. It's the beginning and the end of my story."
"Don't say that. Your story is just beginning," I contest, trying to keep him optimistic. He shakes his head. "Do you even hear yourself? You shouldn't be sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."
I can't believe what he's saying. "Sticking my nose where it doesn't belong? Oh I see. Sure, you can stick your dick in me, but the minute I want to help… Lucien, look at me. What are you even talking about?"
"What don't you understand exactly?" he asks. "You need me to spell it all out for you? I thought you were smarter than that."
"I don't understand any of it. Why are you so mad? I thought you'd be happy about the info I dug up. This info could get you out here. I thought that's what you wanted."
"Looks like you don't know me at all," he says with such finality that I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I refuse to believe that. I'm trying to help you—us. We have something between us, and excuse me if I don't want to see you rot in here. You don't deserve to be doing time for a crime you didn't commit!"
He refuses to look at me, and instead is slumped forward, his eyes focusing on the linoleum floor. "I want to end this—us," he says at just above a whisper. "You should quit this job, and find something new."
What? It feels as if I've been punched in the gut. I can hardly breath. How could he be saying these things? How could he do this to me? And more importantly, how could I be such a fool to fall for any of it. My pain is turning to anger. I can hear my friend Brie's words ringing in my head: This man is serving a life sentence for murder and you're willing to overlook that just because he's hot?
"Why are you doing this?" I ask. I feel the disbelief in my eyes as I look at him.
"Look, fucking you was fun, but let's be honest—this isn't real. None of it is." His voice takes a mocking tone and hearing these words pour of out of his mouth makes me want to slap him. It feels like the ultimate betrayal and I hear something in the deep caverns of my body break. I'm fighting the urge to hurt him. I don't want to stoop to that level and I'm holding back hot tears that are threatening to spill down my face. They're sloshing behind my eyelids like water in a too-full cup, and I am trying to keep still because I know that any movement at this point will cause them to overflow. And I'll be damned if I allow myself to shed a tear in front of him.
"I'm happy here—despite you coming in here today and talking to me like I'm a piece of shit stuck to the bottom of your shoe—I'm doing well. The inmates trust me and I'll be up for a pay increase soon. I'm not going to throw this job away because of you—just because you say so. I thought I knew you. But looking at you right now, I guess I don't, and maybe I never did."
With that, Lucien raises his head, no longer slumped, and looks me in the eyes. For the first time, I see that he has fresh bruises on his face. His bottom lip is split open on one side, and one of his eyes is swollen. There's a purple lump on his left cheekbone that looks pretty bad and I wonder who did this to him.
"Oh my god—what happened to you?" I ask. I can't believe I didn't notice until this moment. I reach out to touch his cheek with my fingers and he grabs my arm sharply.
"Don't touch me."
"Lucien, I—"
"It's nothing."
"Let me fix you. I can grab an ice pack and make a compress and—"
"Don't you see? You can't fucking fix me! This is what's real. This prison—these four concrete walls—the fact that you and I will never have a future. All of it."
"I—I need to tell you something," I begin to say. I feel like it's now or never. I need to get something off my chest. "I'm—"
But before I can finish my sentence, with one hard kick, Lucien pushes his chair back and the four metal legs make a shrill scratching sound. When he stands up, he pushes the chair back against the table, and I feel the vibration of it in my arms. It's clear to me that he's over this conversation and isn't willing to hear any more. I'm still trying to talk as I watch him turn around.
"… I'm pregnant," I whisper, the words dying on my lips. He doesn't see or hear me because he is already out the door and walking down the hallway.