Chapter Thirty-Four
Faith eventually found her voice again.
“How can she possible say all this was your fault?”
Zane rested his elbows on his knees and wrung his hands.
“She said she never would have married my dad if she hadn’t found out she was pregnant with me. The guy she’d been having an affair with, he’d been her boyfriend at school, and back then they’d had a row and split up. She started dating my dad soon after, probably on the rebound, and then she got pregnant. They got married. She knew my dad loved her and it made sense. Apparently she did grow to love him, as if that makes any difference now, but this other guy was always the one for her.”
“At the end of the day, I was the reason why my parents got married. Nothing can change that. Mum didn’t really love Dad, and she wouldn’t have married him if she hadn’t been expecting me. I was the reason they got married, and she spent all those years with a man she shouldn’t have. And she was right. It was my fault. I was the reason they married and, in the same way, I was the reason they broke up. The reason she never loved him enough, the reason she ended up cheating on him. The reason she almost destroyed him.”
Faith rested a hand on top of his.
“You can’t take the blame for that on yourself, Zane. You never asked to be born. They were adults, it was their decision.”
“Yeah, a decision forced by my existence.”
For the first time he looked at her properly, staring deep into her eyes.
“Do you want another drink?”
He nodded. “Thanks.” He reached for the empty glass and handed it to Faith as she got to her feet. She smiled at him, a tentative everything-will-be-OK kind of smile.
He managed a half-smile back, and then slumped against the cushions of the sofa. It was as though everything he’d said in the last ten minutes had left him completely exhausted.
She opened another bottle of wine, handed him his drink and wondered where she should sit. She wanted to show her support, offer him some comfort, but was still unsure if he wanted those things from her at the moment. She decided to sit next to him, placing a hand on his thigh again. They sat in silence and she didn’t encourage him to speak, just let him sip his drink.
Eventually he spoke again.
“Becca was amazing. She was the strong one in all of it. I don’t think I was much help. Once it was all sorted and he was on the mend and getting counselling, things slowly started to improve. I took the route of burying myself in my work in Austria, not facing up to things. When I was at my lowest point, Matt found out about that charity trek to the North Pole, the one I told you about when we went on our first walk and had that picnic. Matt convinced me to sign up and do the trek with him. It was a way of getting a focus back, I guess. Something to concentrate on, a challenge, a distraction, and the chance to get to do something worthwhile for charity at the same time. Twenty degrees below freezing, a howling gale and a blizzard, sleeping in a tent in the middle of nothing. That kind of thing really draws everything out of you.”
He rubbed a hand across his chin.
“Anyway,” he went on, “obviously the divorce was a few years ago now, but it’s only fairly recently that my dad has got his life back on track. After he was released from hospital he went to stay at my aunt’s again for a while, and had regular psychotherapy and counselling. He lives with Helene now near Edinburgh. But I told you that, didn’t I? When they came to the launch day.”
Faith nodded. “Yes you told me. He seemed lovely.”
“He teaches climbing at the big indoor centre just outside Edinburgh,” Zane added. “Did I say that too? The main thing is that I think he’s finally happy again.”
For a few moments he said nothing. Faith didn’t force the issue. She could see that he was finding it difficult to rake up all these memories.
“And your mum?” she eventually asked. “Where is she now? Have you spoken to her since you argued?”
“Lives in London. She married the guy. Colin. Needless to say none of us went to the wedding. I haven’t spoken to her. Sometimes I wish I could forgive her for what she did.”
He let out a long sigh.
“I know I should want my parents to be happy, even if that means they’re better off without each other in their lives. I’m pleased for my dad, Helene is great for him. Becca says Mum is happy with Colin. I can’t seem to find it in me though, not yet anyway, not sure if I ever will, to be happy for her. I miss her, and yet part of me hates her at the same time. Bex told me, years later, that she’d managed to get Dad to talk to her about it all a little bit. She asked if he did know, whether he had any suspicions about the affair. He insisted that he didn’t. So maybe she’d managed to hide it all that well. Maybe she was that good an actress.”
He turned to look at her.
“Is that possible do you think? That you could be with someone you loved for all those years, and not even know when they’re cheating on you?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, realising he was actually looking to her for a proper answer, and desperately wishing she could provide him with a more positive one.
He frowned and shook his head. “That’s a terrifying thought. You just never know, do you?”
“Did you talk to your dad too?” Faith asked, trying to steer the conversation in a slightly different direction, away from infidelity.
Zane was right, she thought. The whole cheating business, and not knowing if the person you loved was as committed to your relationship as you were, was terrifying. She knew that only too well – she’d been through it all with Matt.
Zane shook his head. “No. When Dad and I get together we go climbing. We don’t do the emotional, pour-your-heart-out chats. The weather, the latest climbing gear, stuff in the news, yeah, we can talk about that. But not the stuff that matters. That’s too difficult.”
He paused, then added, “After seeing what all that had done to my dad, I vowed to stay away from relationships and concentrate on my work. Then, in Austria, I met Holly. It wasn’t in a bar or anything. I wasn’t looking to get involved. I was on the way into a supermarket. She was coming out and her shopping bag split open, I stopped to help her and she invited me for a coffee to thank me. Much as I said I wasn’t going to get involved, I found I couldn’t stay away from her. And soon…”
He stopped. Faith squeezed his hand again, in a way that she hoped was soothing as well as encouraging.
“Go on.”
“I’m sorry, Faith, but I was in love with her. I let it happen, even though I didn’t want a relationship. It was great for six months. She was American, working as a chalet girl, travelling around Europe. At the end of the ski season I thought she’d stick around and get other work in the resort. We’d talked about a future together, even made some plans. But when it came down to it, she wanted to leave and do more travelling, head down to the Mediterranean coast. I had my dream job, was still under contract and working towards making my plans a reality. I’d done all the backpacking stuff years ago. I had to stay in Austria. Had to. I asked Holly to stay, and she refused.”
They sat in silence for a few moments. Faith didn’t want to hear about how Zane had been in love, or how this Holly woman had broken his heart. But she knew it was all part of the jigsaw that made up Zane, and if she truly wanted to understand him and what he’d been through, then she had to sit here and listen to what he had to say. All of it.
“Around the same time Matt had met Karolina, and she was messing him about something terrible. Flirting with guys right in front of him, and far worse than that. He was a mess. I suppose we both were. With how my mum had treated Dad, and how Holly had made plans with me then just walked out on us, and how Karolina was driving Matt insane, I thought I’d never be able to trust another woman again. I’d had enough. I vowed from that point on it was just going to be all work and nothing else. I was so determined.”
He shook his head, as if he was thinking he’d been crazy to believe all that could be possible.
“Then I arrived here and I met you, and the very first second we talked I heard alarm bells ringing. I wasn’t even capable of trying to stay away from you. I was scared of getting involved, but just couldn’t stop myself. I allowed it to happen again, and I allowed myself to hope that this time it might be OK. And for a while I think I actually believed it would be OK. Then Matt came back from Austria, and I discovered you had a history with him.”
“Oh, Zane.” Faith closed her eyes, finally understanding why Zane had reacted so badly to her having a past with Matt.
At last she could understand Zane’s paranoia whenever he’d seen her and Matt chatting, when he’d witnessed Matt flirting with her, when he’d seen the two of them together at the dance, when Matt had been playfully kissing her neck.
“And when you found out about that, you immediately thought about your mum getting involved with her old school friend? You thought I might get back with Matt?”
“Yep.”
He sighed and took another sip of his drink. “Part of me wanted to finish things as soon as I found out you two had a history. But another part of me, the stubborn part I guess, decided to try and put it all behind me and give us a chance to work. When you and I were together, I honestly felt like I could do this. I was determined I wasn’t going to let myself think you were about to walk out on me at any minute. I tried not to think about the possibility that you might be interested in Matt. Then I saw you and him together at the dance.”
Zane paused before continuing.
“I saw him kissing you, and I saw you together again when he rescued you in the hill race. All the doubts, all the trust issues, they all came flooding back.”
“Zane, you have to believe I was never interested in Matt. Only in you.”
She looked at him and her heart went out to him. He should have told her all of this at the start of their relationship. Then she could have understood his insecurity, his jealousy, his paranoia. But she could also understand why he hadn’t told her.
He finished his drink, put the glass on the table and propped his elbows on his knees, rubbing the palms of his hands across his face.
“A little while ago,” Faith murmured, “Matt told me that all his flirting with me, trying to cause trouble between us, wasn’t about trying to break us up. He said it was about trying to make the relationship between you and me stronger. What did he mean?”
Zane sighed and looked uncomfortable.
“I’ve thought long and hard about the way he’s been behaving with you these past months. I’ve come to the conclusion that by flirting with you, he was trying to test you. See if you would cheat on me.”
“What?” Faith screeched. “It was all to see if I’d be tempted to go off with him?”
Zane nodded. “I’m afraid so. Matt’s mind works in mysterious ways, especially when it comes to relationships and women. But I think he was genuinely, in his own way, trying to help.”
Faith said nothing, trying to get her head round this latest revelation. Was that true? Had all Matt’s flirting been to test her? Was he really just checking to see how committed to Zane she actually was?
“I understand now why you think and act the way you do.” Faith reached down and touched his shoulder. “I understand you better for telling me all of this. But you could have told me before. Why didn’t you?”
Zane eased himself away from her, getting to his feet.
“I’m screwed up, Faith. I just thought if I told you everything before, then you’d run a mile. And I didn’t want to lose you. I know now that it was unfair of me. But I had to tell you everything tonight, before we could see if we have any chance of a future together. Though, at the same time, I know that what I’ve just said might have finished us for good. But I just had to tell you. It was long overdue.”
She watched him start to pace back and forth again.
“I don’t need you to be perfect, Zane. I just need you to be you. Stop trying so hard because you’re scared you’ll do or say something to upset me and then I’ll leave you. That’s what this was all about wasn’t it? You kept thinking I’d leave you. That’s why you panicked and tried to finish with me.”
He nodded. “When we were together it totally blew my mind. But at the same time I was terrified that no matter how amazing it was now, how perfect we were, one day you’d leave. So with some perverse sense of logic, the only answer was that I had to end it before you did.”
“I can see why,” she said gently. “But you have to try to trust me, Zane. I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt just as strongly about you.”
I still do feel that way about you, she thought.
“I have to say, the worse thing for you to do right now would be to agree to be with me again if you’re not absolutely sure.”
He glanced over at her and quickly looked away, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“If we do try again,” he went on, “I don’t want you to be with me for the wrong reasons. I don’t want you to get back into our relationship because you feel sorry for me, or because you want to help to try and mend me, or because you feel some kind of misplaced guilt. I only want you to say yes to us trying again if it is one hundred per cent because you want me, not for any other reason. I don’t want sympathy or pity, Faith. That’s the last thing I need. I swear I would rather you walk away right now than we do this and I find out it was because you felt sorry for me, and then find that further down the line things will end up far worse.”
He stopped pacing and looked at her.
“I need to ask you to do something for me, Faith. I need you to take at least twenty-four hours and think about everything I’ve just said. If, after that, you decide you want to try again with me, then I need you to be absolutely positive about the reasons why you’re doing this.”
“But…” She took a step towards him.
He backed away, shaking his head.
“No, please. I don’t want an answer now. Think about it. Take a day, or two, or however long you need, to make a decision you’re totally happy with. I need you to think about what it would mean if you get involved with me again. I need you to be totally honest with yourself. And with me. Promise me you’ll do that?”
Faith nodded.
“I promise.”