I tried to pretend I had some innocent reason for logging onto my social media accounts, even though I was acutely aware that wasn’t the case. I didn’t know why I was acting cool for no one to see, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I kept my expression smooth as my heart pounded furiously in my chest, my lips remained firmly clamped together, despite the fact I was desperate to scream. I guess I just wasn’t ready to admit to myself how freaked out I was at the possibility I might have had a response.
I mean, it had been twenty four hours…everyone checked their Facebook accounts on a daily basis, didn’t they? I felt like I needed to accept that if I didn’t get a reply now, then I never would. If I didn’t think like that, then this fierce dragon within me might never calm itself down.
Breathe…I had to remind myself as the page loaded agonisingly slowly. Breathe, no matter what happens, I will be okay. I hoped I would, anyway. With everything else that was going on, it was hard to feel like I would ever be all right again, but I had to try. I couldn’t crumble, not totally. Once that happened, I wasn’t sure if there would be any going back.
My heart flipped in my chest as I spotted the amount of communications that I’d had during the few hours that I was working—thirty six new posts on my public wall, and fifteen unread messages. My mind raced, trying to figure out what dramatic event had occurred to cause such a flurry of activity, before it became clear that it was all the do with Danny, and the story about him cheating.
Sending thoughts your way xxx
Sorry to hear that happened to you…you’re too good for him anyway.
What a dick!
The words swam in front of my face, leaving me feeling sick to my stomach. These were all acquaintances, not people I knew well, who the hell did they think they were, getting involved in my personal business? I would never do that to anyone else, whether their partner was in the public eye or not. It left me dizzy and shocked to even consider the audacity of some people.
I was so shocked and disgusted that I almost clicked off the page entirely, wanting to ignore it all until I felt ready. That was until I spotted a face in my inbox, a name I’d been desperate to see. He still managed to shine through and crack my shock barrier, no matter what was going on. He was like a shining beacon of joy, a calming sensation when everything else was shit.
Just like that, everything else dulled. I became calmer, my head sorted itself out, and I remembered my sole purpose for doing this. I wanted to see if he had messaged me back, and he had, so I clicked on it to read what he had to say.
Hi Lotts, It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve searched for you online before, but I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me. What are you up to these days? Coincidently I’m back at Mum’s this weekend for a couple of days. Would you like to meet up? Joe xx’
And there it was, the innocent questions, the possibility to pick things up where they left off before things went to shit. This was what I’d been wanting for many years, but now that it was here, it felt really strange. It didn’t feel quite as good as I expected it to. I felt like it was going to be a risk, that if I did choose to accept his offer, I would end up with my heart shattered into a million pieces once more.
Then again, why shouldn’t I? After all, Joe was an old friend, and Danny was off doing God knows what, with anyone and everyone. Why should I sit around and wait for him to not come home, when I could go and hang out with someone I used to know. It would just be a chance to catch up, to go over old times…
The thought of seeing him once more, back in our hometown—although no longer next door since his family moved—was too tempting for words. Of course things couldn’t be exactly as they once were because our parents were no longer next door neighbours, but it would be the closest that I could get. Maybe going back there, and feeling more like the old me, I could put things to rest much quicker.
With my heart thundering in my ears, blocking out any possibility for rational thought, I typed an agreeable reply before I could talk myself out of it once more. I knew what my heart wanted me to do, but I was also acutely aware of what my head thought I should do, and I desperately wanted to listen to one of them over the other.
That sounds good, I need to pick up some bits from Mum’s anyway, so I can combine them both! Here is my number, give me a text. x
I felt like sounding breezy and calm was the best way to tackle this. Joe certainly hadn’t mentioned anything from the past—or his present either, for that matter—so I had no idea how we were going to tackle that. It seemed much easier to simply wait and find out than to push it. A lot of time had passed now, maybe we would simply blow past it as if it was nothing…
Whatever we did, it had to help me. I didn’t feel like it could make me feel any worse, at any rate.
While the thought that this was a good idea span through my mind, I picked up the phone to call my mum. If I was going to go back there, I would need to stay at hers. She didn’t live too far away from me, I hadn’t managed to move as far as I would have liked, but it’s too far to travel back to if I’ve had a couple of drinks.
Plus, I didn’t think I would be able to come back to the home I shared with Danny after spending time with Joe. It would just feel like the ultimate betrayal. It really was the only solution, but that didn’t stop the tight knot of fear from coiling around in my stomach as I waited for Mum to pick up.
“Hello?” she answered, in the too-serious voice she’d adopted these days. “Lottie? Are you okay?”
“Erm…” I stammered, suddenly realising I should have planned this conversation before I started it. Now I wasn’t really sure what to say. “Do you think it might be okay if I come and stay this weekend?” As those words left my mouth, I thought about my old home, and my old life, and a weird buzz of excitement grew in my stomach.
“Sure…” she drawled out, slowly and cautiously. She was clearly shocked, and I could understand why. I hadn’t been back there to stay since I ran away to university, I’d not intended to ever go back, yet here I was, desperate to do so. “I just…with everything that’s happening at the moment, I need a time out.”
“I did hear something about that.” Her lips were pursed, I could hear it in her voice. I got the impression she was keeping a million opinions inside, which was where I needed them to stay. She’d never been bothered to tell me what she thought of Danny before, so I didn’t feel like she had the right now. Not when things were so bad, and not when I was effectively lying, using my situation as an excuse to get what I wanted. Luckily for me, she seemed to get the hint. “You can come and stay, when will you be arriving?”
There was a warmth to her tone, one that made my chest swell with love. For a split second, it almost had me opening up and telling her everything, but then the picture of how she might react if I told her I was in touch with Joe again filled my mind, and it shot that idea down too quickly.
Either she would freak out and tell me what I didn’t want to hear, or she would be far too excited for me, constantly reminding me of what a good idea it was. I didn’t want either of those things, I preferred to operate in secrecy where I could deal with this all by myself.
“I’m teaching tomorrow evening, but I’ll be down Saturday morning, if that’s okay?”
“Sure, we’ll see you then.” Just before my mum said the word ‘goodbye,’ I got the sense there was something on the tip of her tongue, something she wanted to say, but that she didn’t quite feel ready for. I wanted to push her, to ask her what it was, but I knew from past experience that would only cause her to shut down even more.
By the time I hung up the phone, all of my negative emotions surrounding what Danny had done were simply gone from my mind. All of a sudden, I didn’t care about that anymore, I had more important things to worry about. I had to decide what I was going to wear when I saw Joe again, how I was going to act. What questions should I ask him, and what subjects should I definitely avoid? This was going to be a minefield to navigate, and as much as that terrified me, it excited the hell out of me too.
Joe Davies, back in my life. Who would have thought it?