The muddy, raw feeling that came from trying to avoid someone I couldn’t live without quickly ate me up alive. I had to push my feelings, my devastating heartbreak, right down to the pit of my stomach, where it twisted and writhed constantly, needing my attention regardless of I was doing.
Of course, Joe was pretty much oblivious.
When we were in school, my existence didn’t seem to matter to him at all. Most of the time it made me wonder if we’d ever really been friends at all. He continued on with his life and his friends, all the while my focus was on simply getting through each day, holding myself together. I attempted to throw myself into my school work, to maintain my grades, but even that felt like a chore…a massive waste of time.
It was as if everything that made me the person I was had simply slipped away, leaving me with nothing.
Of course, things were different when we were at home, with no one around to see. That was when the old Joe began to resurface—the one who would do his best to make me laugh and be happy, however I felt inside. I was ashamed to feel it working, to feel myself being drawn back in so easily, but it was too difficult for me to just cut him off completely. That would have involved far too many questions from our parents as to why we suddenly weren’t friends, so really allowing him to creep back in felt like the easiest option all round.
I was in a vicious cycle—one where I couldn’t stand the way he made me feel when we were around one another, and one where I hated him being away too. It damn near killed me. My biggest fear was the possibility that I would one day let my guard slip a little too much, and I would accidentally say something about the truth of my emotions by mistake.
That was an unnecessary worry in the end…
“You seem down, Lottie,” my mum mused one afternoon after school, actually paying me some real focused attention for the first time in a very long time—it was just too bad that it came at a moment when I really didn’t need it. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I shot back quickly, allowing my hair to fall across my face so she couldn’t see me properly. “I’m just…thinking about school.”
“No, it isn’t just that,” she assessed, as if she knew so much better than me. “It’s been going on for a while now. I mean, you were really weird around Joe last night.”
“Leave it out, Mum,” I warned, standing up to move away, but rather than just letting me go, she grabbed onto my arm and made me look at her.
“Don’t start acting crazy around Joe, we need his family, you know?” That was the first moment in my life that I didn’t recognise the woman my mother was. There was an expression on her face I didn’t recognise, and it made my blood run cold.
“Whatever.” I shrugged her off quickly, but the damage her words had done was still there, bursting powerfully through my veins.
“We’re having a barbecue this weekend to celebrate Marie’s birthday anyway,” she continued with that weird-looking smile playing on her lips. “So you’re gonna have to get it together by then no matter what.”
My heart sunk at the prospect of our families hanging out together in an intimate social setting like that. Especially for Joe’s sister’s birthday. I knew her okay, but we hadn’t exactly been friends since we were kids…or, well ever, and I really didn’t feel comfortable being around any of his family at that time. But I knew I didn’t have any choice, so I nodded quickly and made my escape so I could suffer my inner turmoil alone.
I already knew there was no way out of it—which was obviously the idea—and I was pretty sure we would be under scrutinising eyes the entire time. I spent the days leading up to it getting myself so worked up about what it was going to be like, that I caused my face to break out in more spots than it had ever done before…I was a mess!
By the time the day actually came around, I actually felt sick. In fact, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up at any given moment, but there was still nothing I could do. I had to face it, tackle it head on and simply do my best to survive it. I actually trembled as I pulled on my skinny jeans and Converse. I shivered as if I was in a cold sweat as I pulled my band t-shirt over my head. My eyes swam as I pulled my hair back and let it hang loose over and over again, unable to decide which looked best—in the end I left it down, hoping I would be able to hide behind it if it really came down to it. I felt like I might need a curtain at some point, and my red wavy hair was as good as anything else.
Mum made me feel about a million times worse, scurrying around me as if I was off to the Oscars or something equally over the top. It was as if she didn’t think I could see what she was up to, that I didn’t know she was blatantly trying to patch up a seriously struggling friendship. I wasn’t sure if she was just blind to what was going on with her own daughter, or if she didn’t like it, but it seemed she was determined to go through with her plan regardless of my feelings on the subject.
My heart thundered painfully against my ribcage as we walked into the garden. My emotions flew violently around my body, and it took all I had just to keep myself composed on the outside. I needed to act like a swan—all poised externally on top of the water, keeping the freaking out bit hidden beneath where no one could see it.
And then I saw him, that face, smiling at me as if absolutely nothing was wrong. Inside, I absolutely fell apart. My heart was crushed and my windpipe sucked in so hard I could barely breathe. I forced my feet to keep on walking, despite the fact it felt more like they were floating and it wasn’t long before I was by his side once more.
“All right, Lotts?” He chuckled lightly as he spoke. “How’s it going? You okay?”
“Yeah…okay,” I muttered, wishing the ground would swallow me up whole. “You?”
At first the entire thing was incredibly awkward, I felt uncomfortable, Marie clearly didn’t want to be there, and our parents were acting strange. In fact the only one who seemed totally unfased by everything was Joe. He continued chatting away as if nothing had ever happened, and eventually, just to give myself something to do, I started to respond.
The funny thing was as soon as I opened myself up just that little bit more, I felt the icy exterior around me, the one that was there to protect my heart, thaw a little. I couldn’t seem to help myself around him. Despite everything he’d put me through, there was something about him that made me feel so familiar and safe. All my promises to myself simply flew out of the window as I found myself falling once more. His rays of sunshine managed to warm me up, and before I could even tell myself to stop, the puppy love was flowing through my veins, the teenage hormones were going crazy with lust, and I was pretty certain my eyes were shining with love.
We talked, we laughed, we joked, we made a whole lot of fun out of the afternoon, and eventually everyone peeled away, leaving only us, alone and chatting. We didn’t talk about anything specific, and we made sure to stay away from the dangerous subject of why we hadn’t been in touch for so long, and of course that meant it wasn’t long before the hurt ebbed away, and all I was left with was a happy feeling that I finally had my Joe back for good.
And that was when the real trouble began…