I simply sat there for a moment, allowing my mind to wander, and I found it slipping back into a very unexpected place. Although it was a monumental moment when it came to me and Joe, it wasn’t something I thought of a lot…mostly because it was a confusing memory I didn’t much enjoy.
It was our very first kiss. A moment I’d been waiting for forever. I’d thought about it, planned it out, practiced on my hand…all for it to be a let-down. Nothing like what I’d been expecting. I remembered being happy, because it meant all of my dreams were on their way to becoming true, but I was gutted too, because it just didn’t feel right. There was something about it that left me a little cold.
I guess, looking back, that was to be expected, considering the situation surrounding us, but at the time I just didn’t see it that way. I just felt deflated afterwards, as if was my fault that his life wasn’t going the way he desired.
It was the day of our mock exam results, and he was shocked to discover he hadn’t actually done very well. I didn’t want to mention that this was all he could expect from a life of partying, and mucking about with his group of mates, because I knew that would crush him. So instead I sat next to him at the end of his garden, hugging him as he fell apart, listening to him groan that he couldn’t understand it, crumbling as his future suddenly didn’t seem so bright. To me, the solution was clear—he needed to get his head out of the high school bubble, he needed to realise that these wouldn’t be the best days of his life, that there would be so much to his life than just this, but it didn’t feel appropriate to say. I didn’t want him to get angry at me for speaking the truth when he didn’t want to hear it.
“What am I going to do, Lotts?” he asked me, giving me a look of sheer helplessness. “How am I going to come back from this?”
“Well, I’ll help you,” I gasped at him seriously, growing increasingly excited about the prospect of spending even more time with Joe. Things were much better anyway, and I wanted to take that one step further. I figured if I could start tutoring Joe, I could drag him away from the idiotic ‘popular crowd,’ and we could go back to being the us we were when we were younger, the us I loved so much. “I’ll go over everything with you, I have extensive notes from all the classes, maybe I could get you back up to where you should be…”
I trailed off because he was giving me a strange look, one that had my heart thundering loudly in my chest. As his eyes shone with an emotion I didn’t quite recognise, I gulped down the massive ball of emotion that had lodged itself firmly in my throat. My ears buzzed, and my eyes swam. I had the intense sense that something monumental was about to happen…I just wasn’t quite sure what it was.
“You’re always there for me,” he murmured thoughtfully, his gaze falling to my lips. My blood boiled inside of me as I shifted uncomfortably where I sat. I felt scrutinised, weird, and I didn’t know what the hell to do. “No matter what, you’re always there.”
Then before I could even think, before I could grasp what the hell was happening, his lips had smashed against mine, and his hands were tangling themselves up in my hair. My instinctive reaction was to pull back, to find out what the hell was going on with Joe, but then the realisation screamed in my brain that Joe was kissing me, and that it might be the only shot I ever got.
My heart raced so quickly I feared it might burst from my chest, a fiery spark lit within me, and although it wasn’t quite what I’d been picturing in my mind—it was far too desperate and needy for that—I felt alive, tingly, and I knew this was proof that we were meant to be. I knew we’d finally overstepped that mark, we’d crossed the line and there would be no coming back from that, but I was excited. I felt this was how things had meant to be all along.
As we finally pulled apart, and we gazed into one another’s eyes, I thought I could see some shock there, almost as if he hadn’t quite expected to do that. I didn’t mind that though, I was certain I looked the same. In that way, it was really the perfect moment—in my mind, at least. It was spontaneous, unexpected, and incredibly excited.
“I…” I started to speak, to ask him the millions of questions floating through my mind, but before I could get anything out, we heard Joe’s mum calling him home. Usually this wouldn’t mean too much, we would hang out for a little while longer, but this time he jumped up rapidly with a regretful look in his eyes, and he raced away.
It’s just because he needs to think things through, I tried to reassure myself, as I trudged slowly and sadly to my own home. He just needs to sort out his own feelings.
Out of an intense desire to recall this situation fully, now that I’d started thinking about it, and wanting to be armed with as much knowledge as possible, I raced back to my diary, and I flicked through the pages until I found the relevant one.
26th May 2007
I just kissed Joe.
I don’t even know how to describe it, it was utterly the best moment of my life. All of my dreams couldn’t even begin to imagine how good it was going to be. I can’t even believe that I’m writing this…after all the heartache, all the wondering, it’s finally happened and now we can actually be together.
This is the best thing ever!
That account of the evening was so glaring false, I couldn’t actually believe I’d written it. I felt like I must have been so desperate for things to be perfect that I even lied to myself about it. But then, as the night drifted on, I mustn’t have been able to sleep, because I wrote more in scruffy, two a.m. style writing.
It was weird, really strange. It wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be, and I’m scared about that. Did I just build it up too much in my mind, that it was never going to be as good as I expected? Or does that mean something else? I don’t really want to admit it, but I’m scared. I’m afraid it means we aren’t meant to be—after all, that’s the dream that has kept me going for so damn long now—and I’m also frightened that Joe racing off like that means something.
He has kissed lots of people, not like me, so maybe that means it was rubbish for him.
Oh God, I can’t even handle the thought I might have screwed things up by sucking at kissing, what would that mean for me? I was so wrapped up in my fear and confusion of the moment I didn’t really concentrate…that might have been my downfall.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I feel like all of this has made my feelings worse. I feel like now that Joe has given me something back, that he has given me that glimmer of hope, my obsession with him is even worse. I can’t sleep, my brain is whirring like crazy. What will I do if he turns me down? How will I even get through the rest of school? It’ll be humiliating, absolutely gutting. I might just die.
Maybe I can ask Mum to let me move schools, maybe that will be the best thing for me. For us both. I mean, I’ll still have to see him at home and stuff, but it wouldn’t be the same…
I could remember that feeling, even now. That teen angst, that utter heart-ripping sensation in my chest. I was devastated, broken, a total sham. I hated that I didn’t know how Joe was feeling, and I didn’t know how we would act around one another in the future, and the anticipation damn near killed me.
This was quite similar to what I was going through now. I didn’t really know anything about Joe’s life, I had no idea where he’d been and what he had done during our years apart, which meant I couldn’t tell where his mindset would be at now.
Then again, where did I want his mindset to be at?
Did I want him to still have feelings for me, even though I was in a relationship with another person? Of course, that was very wrong, but I couldn’t deny there was something there, swimming around inside of me. Maybe it would be easier if he was with someone else, even if his social media didn’t reflect that. If he was married with kids, then that door would be shut forever, regardless of what happened with me and Danny. It might hurt, it could have me feeling hollow and empty, but I would get through it…I would have to.
Oh God, this was crazy. What the hell was I thinking? Was it too late to cancel, or would that make me seem like a flake now? Would it leave the unanswered questions haunting me forever? Would I ever be able to move on if I didn’t? I wished I could have someone to talk to, someone to ask the advice of, but I didn’t feel like it would be appropriate. Of all people, Cici would be the one I would speak to, but I didn’t want her to judge me, to see less of me. The last she knew, I was devastated over what had happened—and she was the one telling me Danny was more than likely innocent—now, I was considering meeting an old flame. It sounded seedy to say it aloud, and I wasn’t keen on the idea being looked at differently.
No, this was a decision I would have to make alone. I was the only one who understood the situation fully, and I was the only one who knew exactly how I was feeling. I would just have to hope the decision I made would be the right one. My entire future depended on it.