Alice is reluctant to give me directions for the parlour without knowing the details of my plan, but I ask her to trust me, which thankfully she does, and I find myself peering around the doorway. There are several games going, with five or six men seated around the tables. The room is pretty much silent, apart from the clink of plastic chips joining the piles in the centre of the table, and the odd murmur as bets are made.
I can see Archie at the table closest to me, though I’m glad he’s facing away from the door and doesn’t spot me lurking. Tom is at a table further into the room, playing against Teddy, Piers, Roderick and Ned. He seems deep in concentration as his eyes flick from his cards to his fellow players, but he looks up and sees me watching, whether due to some instinct or pure coincidence. I hang back, not wanting to interrupt – or to leave myself in Archie’s view – and wait until Tom can break away from the game.
‘Sorry about being late before,’ I whisper as I pull Tom aside. ‘I couldn’t get rid of Archie.’
‘It’s okay. I’d have waited longer, but Piers was about to explode from impatience.’ Tom smiles, and he looks so handsome, I want to smooch his face off right now, right here in the corridor. But Tom still thinks I’m cheating on Archie, so we need to clear this matter up, and fast.
‘Have you got time for a quick word?’
Tom nods. ‘Ned says we should have a break. I think it’s due to the fact he’s already twenty quid down.’ He laughs. ‘Where do you want to go?’
I’d quite like to sprint over to Tom’s cottage to make up for the last year of celibacy, but I force myself to calm down.
‘We can go to the library?’ It’s one of the few rooms I now know the whereabouts of in the castle, so I lead the way. I’m jittery with nerves, wondering what will happen next; will Tom declare he feels the same way as me, or not? I’m half-dreading, half-anticipating either option.
The library is, as I suspected it would be, completely empty. I switch on the lights before sitting down at the window seat, patting the space beside me. Tom sits down, his hands wringing in his lap.
‘First of all, I think I should explain. About Lydia.’
‘You don’t have to.’ That Tom is no longer involved with another woman is enough for me, but Tom shakes his head.
‘I want to. You were so open with me last night, and I feel I can be open with you too.’ He looks at me questioningly, and I nod my head. He takes a deep breath, his hands still working away. ‘As you know, I was engaged, to Lydia, my ex. I loved her so much and thought we were going to live happily ever after.’ I hear him laugh, but he isn’t amused. ‘We got engaged last summer, found out Lydia was pregnant soon after.’ The scan photo. Of course. But we can still make this work. ‘Life was pretty perfect, but we both know life is never that simple, don’t we?’
Oh, God. What happened? I swallow hard against the nausea that’s starting to build up as I nod.
‘She’d been seeing someone else. Some married bloke from work. It’d been going on for months, apparently. She told me about him just before Christmas. He’d left his wife and they were going to live together. She was leaving me for him. Leaving with our baby.’
I’m stunned into silence, but I reach for Tom’s hand. It feels warm in mine. Safe.
‘She said the baby might not be mine.’ Tom’s voice, sudden in the stillness, makes me start. ‘It could be his. She never said so, but I know she hoped it was. That the three of them could make a fresh start without any complications.’
‘That must have been tough.’ To have everything one minute, and the possibility of losing it again the next.
‘We had to wait until he was born to find out. Six months in no man’s land. Six months of not knowing whether I was still going to be a dad or whether that was going to be snatched away from me too. I tried my hardest not to hope, but I couldn’t help it. He’d been mine for just a few weeks, but I loved him as though I’d known him for ever.’
My heart aches for him, but I can’t seem to offer more than a gentle squeeze of his hand. I wish I was the kind of person who could offer words of comfort to him, but I’ve spent my whole life shying away from emotions. But I want to be better. To connect on an emotional level, to be there for him and to let him be there for me too.
‘I wasn’t allowed to go to the scans or the birth. That was his job now. Lydia texted me when the baby was born. Tyler. Eight pounds two.’ Tom smiles, but it’s edged with pain. ‘I met him when he was six days old, and he was perfect.’
‘Was he…?’ Yours?
‘We did the test that same day. Lydia wanted it over and done with. I was happy to wait, to hold on to the possibility for just a bit longer.’ He clears his throat and I inch a bit closer, my grip firmer on his hand. ‘The test was easy. Too easy. It should be complicated, shouldn’t it? The unravelling of somebody’s world? But no, it was a simple thirty-second job, then send it off and wait. The waiting was the hard bit. Agonising. Lydia let me see him a couple of times. At the time, I thought it was a great kindness. Now I’m not so sure.’
My other hand is at my mouth, my eyes squeezed closed.
‘He wasn’t mine. Never had been, not even for those first few weeks.’
My heart sinks, and I can only imagine the pain Tom must be going through. I wish I could take it away from him, but how do you fix something like that?
‘He’s six weeks old now. I try not to think about him.’
I hate that I’ve conjured up the memories, that I’ve ripped open the wound before it could heal. That I’ve left Tom raw and exposed. Why did I have to pick up that photo?
‘I was so angry. With everything. Everyone. Constantly.’
I remember the Tom from just a few days ago. I thought he was a bit of an arsehole, but he was hurting. Grieving. I feel callous for intruding on his life, stampeding through it without a thought for Tom and what he might be going through.
‘Being in this place – with its happy couples, so hopeful for the life they’re about to start, a life that was taken away from me – it’s been torture. I’ve felt like screaming in the middle of the woods some days. I couldn’t stand seeing people so happy, knowing how it could all be taken away in a second. And I didn’t think it was fair that they got to have their weddings and I didn’t. How selfish does that make me?’
‘I don’t think you’re selfish in the slightest. I think you’re strong. Brave. Amazing to get through all that without cracking.’
‘Oh, I’ve cracked.’ Tom smiles at me, but his eyes are dejected. ‘I’ve cried, screamed, thrown things.’ He lifts our hands, still entwined. ‘I even punched a wall or two.’
I use my free hand to rub at Tom’s, as though the physical pain is still there and I can soothe it with a magic touch.
‘When Lydia left, even before I knew the baby wasn’t mine, I vowed to never put my heart back out there. It wasn’t worth it. Having your heart shattered into a million pieces allows you to see more clearly.’
Finally, I’ve found someone who’s singing from the same hymn sheet as me. Someone who doesn’t subscribe to Alice’s sunshiney, isn’t-the-world-a-marvellous-place-full-of-happiness mentality. I should feel victorious, but I feel hollow.
‘And then you showed up, with your big gob, dragging me into the celebrations I was trying my hardest to avoid. I wanted to be left alone, but you always seemed to be there, involving me.’
All right, all right. There’s no need to make me feel even more of a cow than I already do.
‘Thank you, Emily.’
You what?
‘These past few days have been so much fun, even if I tried to resist. You’ve shown me that life can be good, if I just let myself be open again. Do you know how bloody tiring it is being miserable all the time? Especially when you’re surrounded by blissful couples and wedding cake?’
Try living with love-aholic Alice, I think.
‘Lydia really messed me up for a while, but I need to start learning to trust again. To not think everyone is going to lie to me and make a fool out of me.’
I think of Archie, and the way I’ve tricked not just Alice, but everyone. Including Tom. How can I tell him it was all a big farce now? That he should never have trusted me from the start?
But equally, how can I continue to lie to him?