I left Avery's room as the sun was coming up. I had no idea when I went in there that I was going to tell her the worst and most embarrassing things about me and my childhood, and I felt like I had just vomited all over her. I was horrified of what she must be thinking of me. I was nothing but a freak and I would never be anything else. I wanted to believe what she told me but as I got further and further away from the conversation all of the anger and hatred I had about myself just started pouring through me until it felt like that was all there was left inside.

It took saying all of that stuff out loud for me to really realize how fucked up it all was. My childhood, my imaginary friend, and my father, who I couldn't even stop calling my mother. Maybe if I could actually admit to myself that he was my father and how cheated I felt to have been denied that experience as a young boy, then maybe I could stop. And I really did want it all to stop. I wanted to go into my mother's bedroom and smash all of those fucking heads and throw all of the old furniture out and erase everything in this house that reminded me of how painful my childhood was. How painful my life was before Avery got here. And how painful it's going to be without her. She's never going to want to be with me. The only way she'll stay is if I keep her prisoner for the rest of her life, and I couldn't do that to her.

What I wanted more than anything was to go back into Avery's room and crawl in bed with her and wrap my arms around her and never leave. But every time I thought about touching her or kissing her there was this voice inside my head telling me that I was worthless, that there was no way she could ever love someone like me. That she would just laugh at me. And no matter what she told me, I knew that voice was right. Besides, she lied to me. She told me that she had gone into the tunnels alone, but I knew that was her that I saw that night. And she wasn't alone. If she would lie about something as insignificant as that I'm sure she would lie about other things too. She would lie to get away from me.

I didn't want to think about anything anymore, or remember or feel or even exist. All I wanted to do was get dressed and go to work and hope that one of those goddamned ten dollar-girls walked through the door of the salon.

* * *

I took a shower and got dressed and let Avery out so that we could eat breakfast, but I didn't want to look at her or talk to her. I was starting to feel trapped with her and I didn't really understand why. Maybe it was because, now that I had told her about my childhood and my mother, she knew more about me than anyone I had ever known and I didn't see how that could be a good thing. Or maybe it was because talking about it made me feel everything again and I didn't want to. Maybe the trapped feeling was coming from inside me.

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Sure," I said as I cooked some eggs with my back turned to her

"What is it that you do with the mannequin heads? I saw them when I came in here, the day I was looking for Joey. They look ... different."

She sounded scared when she asked me that question, almost like she didn't really want to know the answer. And I didn't particularly want to tell her.

"Are you sure that's something you want to know?"

After a short pause she said yes, but she still didn't sound very sure.

"Well, my friend Landen, the one that I met in the tunnels, he taught me how to preserve skin. He taught me how to cut it off so that there was enough around the edges so that I could pin it down and stretch it and fill in underneath and recreate the shape so that it would dry the exact way I wanted it to. He also taught me how to treat the skin so that it didn't turn yellow or brown and I taught myself the rest. My first attempts weren't very attractive I have to admit, but since then a lot of those have been taken apart and redone."

"So what happens to the girls that you bring here?"

"I told you what happens."

"But is that everything that you ... do to them?"

I turned and put the two plates of food on the table then grabbed the coffee and filled up both cups, but I didn't sit down. I just stood there holding the coffee pot in my shaking hand.

"Are you asking me if I raped the girls I brought here or fucked their dead bodies? No, I told you I didn't. I never brought anyone into this house to fuck them, ever. I only brought them here to die, because this house is fucking death. And before you say another word just remember that I did not bring you into this house. You did that all on your own."

I stood there and stared at her for what felt like an hour. It was almost like I was defying her to judge me and finally admit how repulsive I was, but she didn't say a word. She just looked down at her food and started picking at it with her fork.

"I knew you could never really understand. You sat in there and told me that you did but there's no way you could possibly fathom how fucked up I am. I know what you're thinking. I know that you're looking at me like I'm a complete freak and you don't even know the half of it. And the thing is, I don't blame you one bit, but stop pretending that you care cause that's not gonna get you out of here. You aren't doing anyone any goddamned favors with that act."

After standing there and watching Avery eat a few bites I finally sat down at the table and drank some coffee. We both ate breakfast in silence, but before Avery was finished she mumbled something that I didn't quite hear.

"What was that?" I asked, half expecting her to tell me to go straight to hell, but what she said almost made me laugh.

"Beauty is only skin deep, you know," she said as she looked up at me with sad eyes, but with a funny little smile on her face.

"Yes, I know, and it's in the eye of the beholder," I smirked back at her.

"It is. It definitely is," she said as she looked into my eyes. I didn't know what she meant by that. Was she referring to how I told her that she was beautiful or to the testaments of beauty I had hidden away in my mother's room?

"I never intended for anyone to see those heads but me, you know," I said, looking down at my hands. "Landen has seen them, but other than him I wouldn't expect anyone to appreciate them."

"I know, and I'm sorry I invaded your privacy. I never have apologized for coming into your house and looking around at your personal private things without your permission and I want you to know that I'm sorry. And I'm not saying that so you will let me go. I'm saying it because you deserve respect. And I want you to know that I do.

What I meant was ... you say you don't feel perfect and you make women beautiful because only women can be beautiful, or you take what's beautiful off of women so that you can keep it, but you are completely missing the point of beauty. It's not what covers a person that is beautiful, and you can't capture it by cutting it off. The true beauty in people is what's inside them."

"Ha! Well, then I'm pretty sure I'm just about the ugliest person alive," I said as I stood up and picked the plates up off the table, then took them to the sink. I really didn't think I could face looking into Avery's eyes again.

"You aren't just the sum of events that happened to you throughout your life, Colin. You're way more than that. Everything that has happened up until this minute is in the past, but you're here now, and the future is in front of you. You may not believe that but I do. You can go on thinking that you're the worst person in the world if that's what you really want to do, but you can't tell me what I do and don't believe about you."

"You're right. I have no way of knowing what you're thinking and I'm sorry for saying what I did, but I don't think I want to talk anymore. I need to go to work, so you should probably just go to your room."

"Ok."

I heard the chair push back from the table and I listened to Avery's footsteps as she walked through the kitchen and out into the hall and I didn't move from the sink until I heard the door to her room close. I stood at the sink rinsing the dishes for a long time, but I couldn't do anything else. I was paralyzed by what Avery had just said. I didn't want to think about whether she was telling the truth or if she was right or wrong, I just wanted to block everything out. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.