"Can you hand me that screwdriver?" Avery said as she pointed to the Phillips head on the table right next to the ladder she was standing on. As I watched her install some new curtains and rods above the window in what, just six months ago, was still my mother's bedroom, I was so amazed at how lucky I was to have such an incredible person here ... here with me.

It was something I thought about every day, every time I looked at her. Since she'd come into my life I had gone from alone and lonely and on the brink of turning into a full-fledged madman, to someone I actually thought I would like if I ran into them on the street. I was no longer overwhelmed with feelings of desperation for something, anything, around me that would distract me from how much I hated my life.

Somehow, everything felt different with Avery around. And even though I knew I had a long way to go before I was able to accept and, if it was even possible, forgive myself for everything that I had done wrong since I was a kid, every time she looked at me I knew that with her help I might eventually see myself the way she seemed to see me.

It amazed me how, when I looked around my house, everything that surrounded me was almost exactly as I had pictured it when I had thought about how my life would be with Avery. I didn't understand how I could possibly have gotten so lucky. She took care of me after I got home from Landen's, cooking with me and just being with me and making me feel like I deserved happiness.

Not long after that, she started coming over every night after school and eventually got to the point where she spent every weekend with me, helping me clean my house. There were times when she was kind of a hard-ass and would push me when I just wanted to leave everything where it was, but other times she would just let me be where I was for a while. She seemed to understand when I just needed some time, especially when we started working on the basement ... and that cage.

She helped me dismantle it and take apart the bed and when it was all gone, that was one of the biggest feelings of relief I ever felt in my life. Then it was actually her idea to hold onto all the of old antiques and furniture in the basement and in all of the other rooms, saying that maybe we could turn the grocery store into an antique shop at some point. Or maybe even my own salon. Both of those ideas felt almost impossible to me in the middle of all of the work we were doing, so we just decided to keep putting everything down in the basement while we fixed up the house and made it more livable.

* * *

I walked over to her as she held out her hand to me expecting to feel the hard metal of the screwdriver but instead I wrapped my hands around her and pulled her off the ladder. She squealed as she fell back into my arms and wrapped her hands around my neck.

"Hey! We're never going to get anything done if you keep this up!"

"We have all the time in the world to hang those curtains as far as I'm concerned," I said as I dipped her head backward and kissed her neck. She squealed again and kicked her feet in the air as I held her firmly in my arms, and again when I threw her onto the bed and crawled on top of her. I paused for a moment and looked at her beautiful smiling face.

There it was, that incredible smile that had made me so sad at one point in my life because I believed that she would never be able to look at me that way, that I was too messed up for anyone to love. Not after everything that I had done. I couldn't imagine my life without it now, without her smiling up at me with so much warmth and brightness and there were times when I still felt like this had to be a dream. That there was no way she could really be here with me, looking up at me with those eyes. I brushed some stray hairs away from her eyelashes and kissed her gently on the lips and tried to ignore the ringing and vibrating on the table by the bed.

I finally broke away from Avery and grabbed my phone because I knew it could only be one person.

"Yo, what's up?"

"Hey, you busy tonight?"

"No, why? What's going on?" I asked. I hadn't seen Landen in a few weeks and I had assumed it was because he'd been spending a lot more time with Barbara lately. "Don't tell me you and Barbara are already getting sick of each other."

"Not even. No, she's visiting her parents for the weekend and something came up. I could use your help."

"With what?" I didn't even have to ask that question. I knew exactly what he was about to say.

"Well, I've got someone here in one of my cells and ..."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," I said as I looked over at Avery. She was looking back at me and the smile on her face was completely gone now. It was almost as if she knew what Landen and I were talking about without hearing a word of the conversation.

"You don't need to do anything, just come over and keep me company. I don't know, man ... it's been a while for me and I'm feeling ... I don't even know, I feel like I'm losing my touch or something."

"Wow. Who is it?"

"No one you know. I found him skulking around in my tunnel and I brought him in, and now I feel like it would be best if I just got rid of him."

"Maybe it's about time you put a lock on that tunnel door," I said as I watched Avery's eyes get bigger. She mouthed what, but I just shook my head. "Just a minute," I whispered, but Landen heard me.

"What? Is Avery there?"

"Yeah, and she's pretty much figured out what this conversation is about."

"Is she pissed? Tell her I just want your moral support, that's it. And tell her I said hi."

"Landen say's hi."

"Hey, Landen!" Avery yelled at the phone.

"I don't know. I'll see what she says."

"Ok, so you wanna give me a call back?"

"How about if I just text you."

"Sure, that's fine. So, are you gonna come through the tunnels like old times?" he asked with a slight chuckle.

"I doubt it ... I'll probably just drive."

"Suit yourself. So, it sounds like your interested? I'd really appreciate it, man."

"Just keep your pants on. I'll let you know, and if it's yes I'll be over in about an hour."

"Sounds good! Later."

I hung up the phone and looked over at Avery. I knew I didn't want to bring any of that part of my past back into this house ... our house ... but I couldn't deny that I was interested to see how it would feel to be around that sort of thing after all these months. But there was no way I could even consider doing anything without talking to Avery. She was everything to me now and there was absolutely nothing in the world that was worth throwing what I had with her away.

"What's the matter? Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, Landon wants me to come over for a little while tonight."

"It sounded like he wanted you to help him with something? What's going on?"

"Well, he found someone in his tunnel and he ... well he ..."

"You don't have to say it, I know," she said as she looked down at the pillow. "Do you want to?"

"He said he just wants me there for moral support. Apparently he hasn't done anything in a while and he feels like he just wants me there. And yeah, I do. I really want to be there for him. He's done so much for me and been there for me throughout most of my life." Ok, that wasn't the entire truth, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was actually intrigued by watching the whole thing. I was going to have to work on that, but I felt like I was being pretty damned honest.

"Does that make me a horrible person?"

"Well, I can't answer that for you, Colin. You're the only one that knows the answer to that question."

"Yeah, I guess that's probably true. But what I really want to know is ... will you still be here when I get back ... if I go over there tonight?"

Avery snuggled up next to me under the covers and wrapped her hand around my waist.

"Of course I'll be here. I'm not the police and I'm not your mother. I'm not here to tell you what to do or judge you or make you do what I think is right. I want you to do what you believe is right, not because you think it's what I want, or because you think you'll lose me if you do something I wouldn't approve of. Because if that were the case we'd just wind up resenting each other."

"Yeah, I guess I'm just trying to take the easy way out," I said as I smiled faintly at her. It really did seem like it would be so much easier if she would just tell me what to do so I didn't have to make the decision for myself, but I knew that wasn't fair to her at all.

"Look, I trust you, Colin. I trust that you will tell me what's going on. So, if you want to go and see what it's like over at Landen's house tonight, go ahead. It may help you figure some stuff out.

You told me once that talking to me about your past was one of the hardest things you had ever done, and that you thought that sort of thing seemed easy for me. Well, it's not. I'm not saying that what we've been through and what we are working toward is too hard or anything, but there are no easy or right answers for either of us.

We both just have to go little by little and day by day and figure out what feels best. And I think the closer you get to forgiving yourself the clearer your choices will probably become."

"I don't know about that," I said as I looked at her, but I knew she was right. I still didn't understand how I was supposed to forgive myself though, especially since I was still working on forgiving my father. I wrapped my arms around her and just felt her warm breath on my neck. I couldn't understand how it was that someone so much smaller than me, someone who felt so helpless and delicate in my arms, could make me feel so safe, but I knew between the two of us she was by far the stronger one.

"I don't want to ever do anything that would make you want to leave me, Avery. If you don't want me to go I won't go. I would die if I ever did anything again that hurt you, you know that, don't you?"

"I know. I won't leave, Colin," she said as she looked up at me, her eyes glistening with tears and the most beautifully sad look I'd ever seen. "I understand that you have to do this. I really do."

I grabbed her head with both hands and moved my lips across her face and onto hers and as I did I felt the world stop around us and I wished that we could stay like this forever, wrapped in each others arms and floating in nothingness, but a nothingness where I let myself feel everything. Everything that we were together, everything that I wanted to be, everything that she meant to me, and everything that she was letting me be even though it's not what she wanted at all.

One of the things I was starting to realize, one of the things that Avery had taught me, was that it was possible to love someone without loving every single thing about them. Even when some of those things seemed unforgivable.