I didn’t know if I was awake or if it was a dream. Max was there. His arms were around me and we were drifting across the floor while an orchestra played in the background. I didn’t know the steps but it didn’t matter. My feet didn’t even seem to move a step as Max and I twirled around in circles. When I looked up at him his eyes were twinkling like the stars in the sky behind him and he bent down and kissed my forehead.

I was filled with a feeling of love. I had never felt it so strongly and it seemed to travel through every inch of my body. I could feel his love for me coursing through me in waves.

He really does love me, I thought as my eyes fluttered open.

The harsh light of reality made me squint and everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours hit me like a ton of bricks. Telling Max about what I’d done, the basement, the way he’d looked at me with such hatred, and the handful of pills. After laying there with my eyes closed for another few minutes I tried to open them again. I didn’t understand where I was. It didn’t feel like that horrible room. The bed felt soft and there was so much light I had to shield my eyes.

“How are you feeling?”

The sound of Max’s voice sent a shiver down my spine. I let my arm rest on my eyes to block everything out and tried to think.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You don’t remember?”

I turned my head toward his voice and opened my eyes again. “I took some pills …”

“And you vomited them up. If I hadn’t seen the empty bottle I wouldn’t have known until it was too late. You’ve been unconscious for days. You almost died, Emily.” Max was sitting in a chair near the bed—his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

“Yeah, so?” His voice sounded softer somehow—with a gentleness that I hadn’t heard before. But still, I knew how much he hated me. I knew I’d never win him back, so what was the point of even trying.

“Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten in days. I was going to hook you up to an IV if you didn’t wake up soon.”

“Not really.”

“Well, will you eat a little … for me?”

I kept my head turned toward him but didn’t look up into his eyes. “Okay. I’m thirsty.”

Max helped me sit up a little and brought a glass of water to my lips. He held it there for me while I took little sips, wincing with every swallow. The muscles in my stomach and skin in my throat were both incredibly sore.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

“A little, but I’m okay.”

“Do you think you could swallow some yogurt?” I nodded my head but still kept my eyes down on the bedspread. Max opened up a container that he had on the table next to the bed and dipped a spoon in. I felt better after taking a few bites of the yogurt. It felt nice and cool on my throat. “Do you like that?”

I nodded. I felt like I was being treated like a child but I couldn’t help but love the feeling since it was Max. Having him take care of me like this made me feel like he actually cared. But then thinking about everything that had happened made every muscle in my body cringe. “You should have just let me die.”

“I don’t want you to die, Emily.”

“I fucked everything up.” I was still so weak that I could barely get the words out. “It’s never going to be the same.”

“That’s not true, at all. Besides, maybe I don’t want things to be like they were.”

“Well, the bottom line is you don’t want me here, so what difference does it make?”

“What do you mean ‘I don’t want you here?’ I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t.”

“But that was before—“ My words caught in my throat and I started to cry. I heard the chair move closer to the bed, then I felt Max’s hand brush my bangs off my forehead, but I couldn’t look at him. I was humiliated.

“I still want you here with me. I don’t want you to go anywhere.”

“You mean down in that room in the basement? Do you want to keep me down there?” My head was turned away from him again. His voice sounded different today but I couldn’t bear the thought of looking into those eyes that had looked at me with such hatred. “I guess it’s better than going to jail.”

“Emily,” he started but then paused for a moment. “Will you please look at me?”

I slowly turned my head, pausing a little while to stare at the shadows on the ceiling. I was terrified. Every ounce of my being wanted Max—had wanted him for years. Even now. Even after I’d been held down in that horrible room, I was still willing to let him have his way with me. Just as long as he didn’t make me leave. I felt pathetic.

When I finally looked over at Max he was sitting up but he was still hunched over with his elbows on his knees. His eyes were filled with concern and had dark circles underneath. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. I just stared into those dark eyes for a while, trying to work up the courage to ask him if he really had kissed me or if that was just a dream. A part of the peace that took over my body when the drugs hit my system.

“I’m not going to turn you over to the police. I don’t think that will help you at all. But I do think you need help, Emily.”

“I’m a total fucking mess, aren’t I?”

“No, that’s not what I mean. What I did was wrong too—I admit that. What I’m saying is that I don’t think either a jail or a mental hospital are going to provide you with the support you need. I’ve seen how strong you are and I believe that you can get better … and I want to be the one to help you.”

“You mean, you want me to stay here as your patient?”

“Yes.”

“Like my mother was your patient?”

Max paused for a moment and looked down at his hands.

“Emily, I want to make something clear right now. Nothing that has gone on between us has been anything like what went on between your mother and me.” He looked back up at me and the seriousness in his eyes took my breath away. “There is no comparison between the two of you. You are different people and I have felt very different about each of you. I am not trying to replace her with you.

“I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened over the last few years and I know that a lot of what I’ve done has come from a dark place. But the way I feel about you? You’re the only person that has made me genuinely happy in years. There are certain things that happened between us that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind—“

“You mean that night? When I watched you and my mother from the hallway?”

Max stopped talking and looked surprised. “So, you do remember that night?”

“Of course I do. I’ve thought about it for years too. I fell in love with you that night. All I could think about while I was watching you—and every night since then—is what it would feel like to be my mother. To have you inside me and to have one-hundred percent of your attention on me. I found out once I got here and it wasn’t anything like I had imagined it would be. It didn’t feel the same as it did that night—even with you not touching me at all. Ever since I’ve been here you’ve felt like you were miles away instead of inside me.” I looked back up at the ceiling for a moment to gather my courage. “Did you kiss me, Max? I don’t know if it was a dream or—“

“Yes, after I brought you to bed I kissed your forehead. You smiled.”

“It made me happy.” I turned and looked into his eyes. “It’s all I’ve wanted since I’ve been here—it’s all I’ve wanted for years. To feel as close to you as I did that night. But instead I feel like I’ve been pushed further away every time I’m near you.”

“I’m sorry. You’re not the only one that’s a mess, Emily.”

“Will you kiss me now?”

Max looked down and continued to stare at his hands for a long time. “I think for now it’s best if you just rest. Your body went through a lot with the overdose and—“

“That’s bullshit. Why won’t you let me get close to you, Max? Why do you want me here if you don’t want to have anything to do with me? I’m just a warm hole for you to stick your cock in, I guess.” I was still so weak that what I said barely came out above a whisper but I was so frustrated I was on the verge of crying again.

“That’s not true, and you know it. Please, Emily. Why don’t you try to get some more sleep and we can talk about this later? I’m exhausted and I really could use some sleep myself.”

“Okay,” I said. I watched Max get up from the chair and walk to the door.

“I’ll be in to check on you in a little while. Do you need anything?”

“No.”

Max went through the door and closed it behind him, then I heard the lock on the door click.

I didn’t really understand what was going on with him. I felt like from the beginning I’d gotten nothing but mixed signals and vague answers to my questions.

I just lay there for hours wishing that he were there next to me with his arms wrapped around me. That seemed to me like it would be the best therapy of all.