THE SOUND OF the door latching brought me to my feet. I folded my arms behind me, hoping he wouldn’t see the nervousness shown through my hands. The sheer chiffon apron and lace boy-shorts I had worn—that I’d attempted to wear many times to seduce him—felt more awkward on my form than they ever had before.
He rounded the hall and stood a few feet shy of me with a huge boyish smile on his face. “And it’s not even my birthday.” Stepping forward, he pulled me in his arms and kissed me.
My lips were unreceptive at first, until he disarmed me. Clutching the back of my head he proceeded to kiss me like we’d been apart for centuries. It was a kiss that made my knees weak and stirred up things inside me I thought were dormant. He separated slightly from our kiss, permitting me the time to swallow down the sob that tempted to spill forth and ruin everything.
“You’re almost forgiven, Nik,” he whispered against my lips.
I searched his amber hues, glimmering brighter than usual. “Can you sit and eat with me?” I asked sweetly. “I worked really hard on this meal.”
“I can’t think about food right now. I’m definitely not hungry for it. If you wanted me to eat something other than your pussy, you probably should’ve worn a burlap sack.”
My smile nearly matched his. “I don’t often cook for you. I actually cooked and didn’t buy the whole thing previously prepared at the store. Please eat. I almost killed my singular working hand squeezing oranges for the pork marinade. Do you know how hard it was to do most of the preparation with my left hand?” I dangled my hand in the air while attempting to maintain as much of a smile as I could. “Please, eat something, Eric,” I pleaded quietly.
He grabbed my hand and kissed my bandaged palm, gazing at me as he did with a tenderness in his eyes. Tilting my chin up with his fist, he examined me with enough scrutiny to threaten the security of my facade. “There is something very off about you, Nik.”
I put up as much of a shield against my emotions as I could. “I’m exhausted, and I missed you…the real you.”
“You have him.” He slipped his hands into mine, interlocking our fingers, and took a step back. His teeth sank deeper into his lip as his eyes drifted down the view of my body. “You’re so beautiful, my twisted angel.”
His words elicited a sudden inner turmoil. It was nearly impossible to remain composed. “And so are you,” I whispered dreamily. “You always were. I’m not saying that in a vapid way. I mean beneath the burn and the dirt—underneath all the things that other people put there—you are beautiful. What you showed me with Carmen…” A sharp gasp escaped my throat upon remembering the emotionally moving day I’d shared with Eric, before it was abruptly ruined. “It touched me. It convinced me I can reach Ethan and make him remain.”
He closed his eyes for a few moments, and I could swear his honey hue turned a little red. He shoved it down, readopting his signature cocksure demeanor. The glimmer of hope I held on to, that I would have to enact extreme measures to get what I desired, was quickly dashed. I didn’t think my heart could sink any lower.
“I’ll eat, since you worked so hard on it.” He sat at the head of the table, scrutinizing me with an increasingly severe intensity.
I poured him a glass of wine and moved to sit in the chair next to him. His hand slipped up to my behind and squeezed before he drew back his hand and gave my sore ass a hard slap. The burn hit me directly at a place I wish wasn’t aroused. I bit my lip to stifle a moan. Removing his hand from me, I placed it back on the table, covering it with my own as I settled into the chair next to him.
Taking a very small sip of grape juice that matched the hue and consistency of the wine in his glass, I glanced at him, hoping he’d follow suit. “You were right to be upset with me. We need to discuss the things I’ve hidden from you.”
Sighing heavily, he took another sip.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
“You don't fucking say. The gun? The things that have gone down with Vic and Preston? Some other things pertaining to you that don’t make much sense to me?” While regarding something invisible to me, I lost his eye contact. “I don’t like being lied to, Nikki. You understand why I had to punish you that night, right? I knew you weren’t being forthright with me. I’m glad you finally came to your senses. It drives me crazy when I think you don’t trust me, because it makes you think you doubt I can be trusted. What have I always said to you?”
Never doubt me. A smile crept from my lips, hiding the storm brewing inside of me. “Drove you crazy? You say that as if you’re not already there.”
Stifling a smile, he rolled his eyes.
“I couldn’t tell you before,” I explained. “I could never tell you all of it, because I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. I was told if I did, that the person’s life would be in danger. I had a good reason to believe it would. I hid things from you to keep you safe, Eric.”
“Why tell me now?”
“Because I was given permission, and it’s time you knew how I knew Victor.”
He put up his hand to halt me. Reaching for the wine glass with his other hand, he took a few more sips of wine. His mood transformed into a mixture of anger and melancholy as he shook his head. “Don’t. I already know everything. Charlie and I…had a talk.”
“Oh,” I stated with quiet indifference. I was anything but indifferent because I was shocked that Charlie bothered to confront Eric after some of the things I read about in my mother’s letter: Charlie knew Eric and he’d never much cared for him because he allowed Victor to rule his life. The fact that Charlie actually spoke to him, made me believe there were many more things my mother didn’t know about the man she said she once loved.
“It makes me feel a little better about us,” Eric affirmed, “knowing you are going to come clean tonight. It doesn’t matter if you weren’t supposed to tell strangers. I’m not one. I’m your fucking world, Nikki, and I would never do anything to put you in direct danger. All I do is protect you and take care of you. Why didn’t you think you could tell me before?”
“It wasn’t about having the ability,” I expounded. “I’d…pushed a lot of things out of my mind, and I used things to make sure they remained forgotten.” I crossed my legs and carefully folded my hands on my lap. “Nation X decided to come after me because I trolled a site they protected. When I use the word troll, I don’t mean I did inane things to the people who belonged to that site, like insult their families, profile pictures, or anything fit for someone in grade school. Yes, I communicated with some people from the site. It’s how I met Trent, who eventually—when I needed to learn—taught me how to use a gun. It’s strangely ironic now, isn’t it?” Removing myself from the brink of reverie, I continued, “I trolled the site to warn people away. Making money off the suicide of others didn’t sit right with me at the time. After I recovered from my first attempt, I was understandably overly sensitive about the topic.
“I didn’t know it was you I was persuading them against until I found my mother’s laptop last year.” His eye drew to my shaking hands, pushing me to get to my point quickly. “I attacked Suicide Angels’ servers, overloading them with data packets to make them crash.”
He leaned forward with sudden interest and a skewed smile. “You were the reason we had to bounce around servers? No shit, Nik.”
“Well,” I persisted, “Nation X didn’t exactly take too kindly to what I did. They dared me to do something, warning me if I didn’t, they were going to turn on me—my mother actually. They had access to her client files and the ability to make her go to jail with a rogue software program and a few keystrokes. I had to take the dare to keep her business safe. I later found out the dare was a trap to tip the Feds’ radar. Remember the boyfriend I told you about? The one who had a corporate job? It was really a Federal job. To me, corporate and federal are really one in the same. His name was Daniel, and he was supposed to protect me once I did what was asked of me. We quickly became something else.
“I did what they asked me to do because I had a lot to lose. Previously, I had found out Mother was laundering money for someone. I didn’t find out it who it was and what he’d done until recently; it was Victor. She’d been doing it since my father died. Victor bribed her, forced her to do it, and held it over her. I didn’t make the connection between him and Nation X until I discovered you knew him.
“I did what I was told to do by the Feds to protect my mother while having no idea of the name of the man I was supposed to destroy. Otherwise, I would’ve taken my chances in prison. I was told to plant evidence against someone to make him hated in his native country and draw him to the Feds to seek asylum. I was caught by who I assumed to be the man’s employee while trying to leave a safe house. Whoever did it was bold and wanted to send a message. It didn’t matter if Daniel and I were in the middle of a crowd of strangers; my ex-boyfriend gave his life to save mine.”
I hadn’t really thought about Daniel and the way he died since shortly after the minute it happened. When I looked up at Eric, I knew if I allowed him to see any emotion, his envy would get the best of him. The look in his eyes read as jealousy, and I didn’t want to toy with his mood any further.
“Out of the blue I was cleared and no longer had to live on lockdown. I was sent to live in Pullman with a degree someone else finished for me. While I had my issues before, I could still slightly function in the world. Daniel’s death, combined with what happened with my father, rendered my inability to function in the world as null. I lived in constant paranoia, thinking someone was out there, waiting for me. Waiting to kill me. Then, you showed up. I really thought you were there to kill me. Even though your touch was like nothing I’d ever felt before, I convinced myself if you didn’t want to hurt me—well, you know what I said the night we were in Aspen. It was all true, and now you know why my fear was never irrational. I had a reason to worry.
“We both know what made me come out of hiding. I didn’t know it then, but I’m aware of it now. My mother didn’t seek treatment, because she knew her death would lead to a chain of events that would make Victor pay for what he did to her. And you would’ve never been given the opportunity to come into my life unless she was dying. She could’ve been cured. When she first met you, she still had time to overcome her illness. Instead, she decided to die because she believed in you and what you could do for me and her.”
“Holy shit, Nik,” he sighed, sinking back into his seat. “You should’ve come to me about this from the beginning.”
“I didn’t know everything until recently. Besides, what could you have done?”
“Ended it.” He took another sip of wine, eventually finishing it. He made a face and put down the glass, staring at it like something was wrong with it. Grabbing the bottle, he thumbed the label.
“You never would’ve come to me under different circumstances. Knowing my mother was on her deathbed appealed to you. You knew I would be emotionally wrecked after her death. It’s what you do, isn’t it, Eric? Break the perfect. Save the broken.”
“Not true. Not true at all. Not when it comes to you.” Releasing his persistent hold on my hand, he grabbed his head. Pushing his chair out, he attempted to stand. “Honestly, Nikki, you were going to be just another game to me…until I saw you.” He closed his eyes, slightly swaying in his position. “Then, everything changed.” His posture continued to wobble. He gripped the table in an attempt to steady himself.
“Are you okay?” I asked, flipping my napkin over and retrieving what I kept hidden there.
He glanced over at me and seemed to have trouble focusing. “W-what?”
I rose from my seat, padding toward him with slow, short steps. “I asked if you were okay. You drank the wine pretty quickly. Too quickly. Do you feel okay?” His eyes fought to stay open and visibly had issues maintaining focus.
Watching him grimace, I touched his face tenderly. “Being with me was all part of Vic’s plan to get me out of the way. He can’t come after me, because it would easily be pinned on him. Because if he tried to touch me, he wouldn’t come out alive. I think he’s getting impatient. He’s going to push you to do what he wants you to do to me. Put me away or kill me. I was so sure you would deny him, but now I’m not.” I locked eyes with him, keeping my expression frigid. “No, I don’t believe in you anymore. The saddest part? I don’t believe in you anymore because you believed I was working with Victor. Even worse, you believed I wanted Preston to do those things to me.”
“You’ve lied to me…constantly.” He wanted to yell, but had difficulty projecting his voice. “You’re still…lying to me. How am I supposed to know where the truth leads and the lies end?”
Frustrated that even now, after telling him everything, he still didn’t believe me, I decided it was no longer worth the fight. Victor had a strong hold over Eric, and there was nothing I could do in the immediacy to diminish it.
His steps shuffled in my direction but faltered.
“Whatever you think is true, I’m not going to kill you, Eric. Unlike you, it’s not really something I crave doing. It’s never been about a need. I only hurt people when they physically threaten me and I feel like my life is in imminent danger. That’s only happened twice.”
His eyes slowly floated up to me with a moderate awareness. “Why the fuck would you drug me?”
“Because I had to, Eric. If you hadn’t come after Janet, I might’ve reconsidered my tactics. I will do everything I can to make you slow down and prepare you to do what should be done. It’s your fault the resolution has to be so severe. Why couldn’t you just believe me?” I slipped behind him and kissed his back.
Struggling to remain standing, his posture slunk.
“I’m sorry about this, but I need time to get away. When you wake up, you’ll look for me and I need a few days lead time.” Tightly grasping the hilt of the blade in my left hand, I shoved with all my strength and implanted it in his back on the lower left side. He jerked, choked, and slipped down to the floor.
He fought against the effects of the muscle relaxants I crushed up and put in his wine along with his stab wound, but eventually succumbed to it all. I came to him, resting my body on top of his. With my head on his chest, I wrapped my arms halfway around his form, holding him.
When he began to speak, I lifted my hand up to place my palm across his mouth, shushing him. His lips moved under my hand. “I’m so tired, Eric. Tired of being drunk with depression. Tired of being drunk on you and your two hundred-proof poison-laced influence. I want to be sober. I know I’ll never be or have any of those things because I don’t know if I’ve been sober this entire time, or so persistently drunk that I don’t know the meaning of sobriety. With you or without you, who I am will never change, but I can only get worse with you. It hurts me to know that I have never given up on you like you have given up on me. I probably never will.”
I looked up at him, taking in his face, memorizing it because I planned to never see it that way again.
As his eyes closed, I couldn’t stop staring at him that way. But, I had to. If I didn’t leave now, I never would.
I didn’t feel better. I felt…empty. Because I knew I’d left everything I’d had inside my mother’s home. My memories. The good and the bad. The pain and the small bits of happiness I couldn’t recognize until now.
I shoved down the emotional turmoil and distress and pretended as if none of it mattered. I did what I said I would never do…what I hated to see other people do. I put it out of my mind, pretending we never existed.
I was going to posture and be fake.
I was going to pretend I wasn’t consumed and painfully addicted to him.
I was going to pretend I wasn’t irrevocably broken until I no longer had to.