I wake with an embarrassing hard-on. My daughter is clinging to me as if I’ll leave her at any moment, half naked I might add, and my dick is hard.
It’s just morning wood.
That’s what I tell myself.
My body’s natural response.
I’m dreading the day ahead of me. So much needs to be done. Yesterday I gathered our shit to the point of exhaustion. Today, I can hardly move.
Devon’s palm slides to my lower stomach and I hold my breath. I know she’s asleep. The sound of her breathing is rhythmic. Unlike last night.
Heat bubbles up inside of me. Angry heat. She’s getting confused and I don’t know what to do about it. Her life was literally turned upside down. She’s clinging to whatever she can. I’m all she has left. I wish I knew how to undo what’s already been done though. The parts where I accidentally touched her and how she thinks she can freely touch me now.
I’m not a sicko.
I’m not a motherfucking child molester.
Her knee bumps my dick and I groan. I have to get out of this tent. With a grumble, I slide out from beneath her and grab my shirt. I’m sitting on my knees putting it on when I feel her staring at me. Stupid me chances a glance her way.
She lies there with her arm curved above her head. The blanket reveals her scraped up left breast, the nipple peaked and at attention. Her pouty lips are parted and she stares at me with a look I don’t understand from her.
She’s fucking with my head.
“Get dressed,” I snap and then charge out of the tent before she can see my erection.
When I hear sniffling, I ignore it before I do anything more stupid than I’ve already done, like go back to her and console her.
There needs to be boundaries.
Now.
It’s been five days since we tumbled off the side of the cliff. Devon can’t walk yet, her ankle still too weak, so I have her do tasks she can manage while sitting. Sorting through piles of collected stuff. Meal prep. Inventory.
Meanwhile, I have been obsessing over building us a home. The tents are fine for the summer but I need to get some legitimate shelter in place before the winter gets here. My chainsaw survived the accident but I don’t have much gas left for it. I’ll have to reserve it for special uses. All of my other hand tools and nails were recovered though. It will take some hard, manual labor, but I’m going to build us a home if it’s the last thing I do.
“I’m going to explore,” I call out as I pick up my ax.
Devon lifts her blue eyes to meet mine and frowns. “Without me?” The hurt written all over her face is enough to crush me. Sure, I’ve been avoiding her as much as possible. She still clings to me like a spider monkey in the middle of the night, but so far we’ve managed to not have any touching mishaps. We haven’t talked about what happened though. Eventually, I owe it to her as her father, to try and talk her through the confusing feelings she’s having.
“You can’t walk.”
Fire flashes in her eyes and she stands. She’s wrapped her ankle in one of her mom’s old scarves to help support it. Her movements are slow but she hobbles my way, determination driving her forward. I can’t help but smile at her.
“You going to bore me with useless information the whole time?” I ask as I grab a couple of water bottles I’ve recycled and toss them in my bag.
She rolls her eyes. “My useless information will save us one day. I’m going and you’ll have to endure my chattering.”
I hold my hand out to her and she clasps it with hers. Together we begin a slow trek through the wilderness. We walk for what feels like hours until Devon whimpers each time she puts pressure on her foot. The forest is thick in these parts, but I can still hear the river rushing by.
“A cave!” Devon shrieks, her voice reminding me of when she was small.
“Stay here,” I instruct. “Sit.”
She plops down on a fallen log and watches me as I explore the crevasse in the side of the mountain. When I peek my head in, I frown at seeing some bats. But other than that, the crack is about three feet wide and nine feet deep. Too small for bears and there isn’t any animal dung to indicate anything lives here. I reach in and touch the smooth stone surface. Cold. It would be a great escape this summer when it gets hot and perfect for storing things in the winter.
I survey the land outside the cave. It’s relatively flat and close to the river. The trees are plentiful here so I’d have plenty to work with and wouldn’t have to drag them very far. I grab a fallen limb and scare all the bats from the cave. Devon squeals from behind me and I laugh. Once I deem it safe, I saunter over to her and scoop her into my arms. Her smile is brilliant and full of love. This is the daughter I know. We can fix the little bit of damage we’ve done. I just know it. We’ll go back to the way things used to be.
I set her on the ledge of the small crevasse and grin at her. “What do you think?”
“It feels good,” she exclaims as she lies back on the cool stone floor. “Soooo good.”
I laugh and climb in next to her. There’s bat shit everywhere but neither of us care. It’s cold and refreshing this hot day. She grabs my hand and threads our fingers together.
“It’s kind of small but I love it.” Her gaze darkens. “Mostly I can’t see all the wreckage.”
“I like it too.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I’m going to build us a house up against this crevasse.”
She beams at me and I vow right then I’m going to make her smile like this more every day. “Thank you.”
My heart clenches in my chest. “It’s my job to take care of you.”
Her palm touches my cheek and she gets that dreamy look in her eyes again. “I want to take care of you too.”
The spell is broken as shame creeps up my spine. “Let’s get back.” My tone is gruff as I pull my hand from her grip.
“Can we go swimming today?”
I regard her over my shoulder as I scoot out of the cave. “I don’t think it’s safe yet for you.”
She frowns. “I want to wash my hair.”
The very idea of bathing with her in the river has my hair standing on end. But it is my duty to make sure she bathes. I can’t keep her at arm’s length forever.
“Fine, but you’re not walking back.” I flash her a smile. “Piggy back?”
Her bright grin is back and it’s a motherfucking salve to my bleeding heart.
I shed my T-shirt and jeans but leave my boxers on. My gaze remains on the ground as I see her clothes drop on top of my pile. With a bar of soap in her hand and a bottle of shampoo in the other, she hobbles into the icy water.
“Shit! It’s cold!” she complains.
Laughing, I turn to watch her ease her way into the water. From behind, she doesn’t even look like my Devon. She’s only wearing a skimpy pair of pink panties. No shirt. Nothing. Her ass is too round, too fucking womanly. I’m glad she’ll die a damn virgin. She’ll be safe from dipshit college boys forever.
“Oh!” she cries out as she slips.
I lunge for her and hook her around the waist before she goes floating down the river. Ignoring the blood rushing down my body, I dip into the water with her in my arms.
“Do your washing. I’m not about to lose you too,” I grumble.
She lets out a sigh but sets to soaping her body down while I hold her shampoo bottle. Her skin is slippery but I don’t let her go. I find a place for us to sit. With her wedged between my legs and my arms gripped around her, she’s not going anywhere. She wiggles and soon her pink panties are in her grip. My gaze is fixated on them as she scrubs them with the soap. When she finishes, she twists them around her wrist so they don’t float away.
“Do you want to wash?” Her words are breathy and soft.
“Not if I have to let you go.”
I wince at how those words could be misconstrued. She twists in my arms and settles on her knees in front of me. The water laps at her breasts, a distracting sound that I desperately try not to focus on.
“I’ll do it for you.”
My grip tightens around her. I close my eyes as she runs the bar of soap over my chest. When she moves her soapy palm down my abdomen and her fingertips brush against the waistband of my boxers, I growl.
“Devon.” It’s a warning.
She plays innocent and sets to washing my shoulders. When she finishes, we trade the soap for the shampoo.
“I have to get my hair wet,” she murmurs. Her legs wrap around my waist so she can hold on and she floats back in the water.
For one moment, I’m mesmerized. I can’t tear my gaze from her nipples that stick out of the water as she wets her hair. And what really fucks with my head is the fact she’s naked with her legs spread wide open right against my cock. As if I called it to action, I grow embarrassingly hard against her soft body.
“Devon, hurry,” I snap through gritted teeth.
“Okay,” she breathes as she scrubs at her hair.
I close my eyes and try to think about anything to make my erection go away. I’m surprised God hasn’t struck me down right here in the river.
“Let me wash yours,” she says, causing me to jerk my eyes open.
She’s clean and too damn pretty with the river water dripping from her dark lashes. I let out a groan but lean back to wet my hair. Once I sit back up, she squirts some shampoo in my hair and begins scrubbing. It feels good to be tended to. For so long Sabrina denied me something as simple as affection. Devon’s soft touches soothe my battered soul.
“Rinse,” she orders.
I smile and lean back. Her breasts press against me as she leans forward to help me get the soap out. It’s easy to confuse who we are in this moment. With the sun baking down on us and the water rushing by, it’s easy to pretend we’re just a man and a woman in the wilderness.
She’s sixteen.
And your daughter.
I sober up quickly and stand up with her in my arms. My dick is still rock hard. I’m sure she can feel it but neither of us speak of it. I carry my naked child to the river banks.
“Tonight we need to talk,” I snap as I deposit her on her ass.
She yelps and stares up at me in confusion. “Am I in trouble, Daddy?”
I look up at the clear blue sky and pray to God for strength. This whole ordeal is too hard on my psyche. I’m cracking. Just like the hole in the side of the mountain. I’m widening and splitting right down the middle until the only thing that fits is she and I.
And that can’t fucking happen.
Ever.
She watches me over the fire, fear dancing in her eyes. We’ve yet to discuss things but I’m waiting to get a little braver. And with one of the bottles of Jack I found on one of my scavenging hunts, the liquid courage is beginning to surge through me. I take another long pull on my bottle. She bites on her plump bottom lip and flashes me another worried look. Her hands busy themselves with braiding her long golden blonde hair.
She’s so fucking pretty.
I close my eyes and shake my head.
Focus.
“That night should have never have happened. I need to apologize.” My words are hoarse as I rip off the proverbial Band-Aid.
“Dad…”
“No,” I snap. “We’re discussing this.” I scrub at my face and pin her with a hard glare. “I’m your father. Not your boyfriend.” My words are mean and harsh and I instantly wish I could retract them.
Her full lips part open and tears well in her eyes. “I didn’t say that,” she whispers.
“But you’re thinking it. Whatever romantic notion is running through your head ends tonight. Are we clear?”
She swallows and nods. “I just…”
“No.”
“But…”
“No.”
“Dad…”
“Jesus Christ, Devon. I said fucking no. Do I need to whip your ass to get that through your thick goddamned skull?”
She jerks her head my way and glares at me. “I hate you.”
“Go to bed,” I snarl. “Get over your fucking self and go the fuck to sleep.”
Tears streak down her cheeks and she all but runs to the tent. I stay back and drink myself stupid. Hours ago I should have gone in and apologized to her but I don’t trust myself. Lines are blurred and fuck if it isn’t confusing for me too.
When I finally stumble back to the tent, she’s crying softly. Guilt surges up through me. I kick off my boots, undress down to my boxers, and fall into bed beside her. Her back is turned to me. It breaks my heart that I’ve done this to her. Crushed my sweet happy girl.
“Come here,” I order.
“No. I hate you.”
“Come here!” I bellow. “I’m fucking sorry, okay?”
I reach for her and she elbows me. Undeterred, I hook my arm around her waist and haul her to me. It’s fucking cold and she’ll freeze without my body heat. She struggles against my hold. When she turns toward me and slaps the shit out of me, I lose it. I grab her by the throat and pin her down.
“Calm the fuck down,” I growl.
I can’t see her in the dark but I can bet she’s glaring at me. Leaning forward, I kiss her forehead except it’s not her forehead, it’s her lips. Fat, swollen lips. I kiss them again. Her body relaxes and my grip on her throat falls away.
I want to taste her.
The thought disgusts me but I want it nonetheless.
“You confuse me,” she whispers, her breath hot against mine.
My palm slides up to cradle her soft face. “I don’t know what’s happening to us. Everything is tearing apart. I just want us to be the way we used to be.”
I press one more kiss to her mouth before falling on my back. I pull her over to me and lock her in my grip. She’s no longer trying to get away. We mold together like every night.
“I’m sorry, Pip.”
“Me too, Dad.”