I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT to feel or think. For all this time, I never knew if she would open her eyes, if she would ever know her son, if we would have her back.
And now, all these months later, she’s awake and I’m scared. What if she has irreversible damage? Her memory could be gone and she could look at me and not even know who I am or that we have spent our entire lives together as best friends, as family, as sisters.
The thought makes me want to puke and I have to stop before we walk down the hall to her room.
“Oh God, I can’t. What if she doesn’t know me?” I look up at Stone, his hands rubbing my arms, his eyes trying to bring comfort.
“There’s no guarantees in this. I wish there were, but this, her recovery, it’s going to be hard.” He bends slightly at the knee, getting in my line of vision when I look away. “I don’t think she will, but if she’s forgotten who you are, it won’t take her long to fall in love with you and for the two of you to make new memories.”
I wrap my arms around him and hug tight, wanting to squeeze out all the pain and worry and negative thoughts. He takes my hand and we walk down the hall to her room. I take a deep breath and ease the door open, seeing Aston and Liz when I do.
I almost don’t want to look, scared to death that her eyes will reveal the soul of someone I don’t know, erasing her from our lives and giving us someone else in her place.
I squeeze Liz’s hand, pull Aston in for a quick hug, both their eyes rimmed in red. I don’t miss the inconclusive look on Aston’s face when he looks over my shoulder at Stone, but I choose to ignore it as I ease toward Madison’s bedside, making eye contact with her for the first time in months.
A single tear drives down one side of her cheek and a flood pours from mine. I squeeze her hand in mine.
“You came back to us,” I say and she squeezes my hand. When she doesn’t open her mouth or try to speak I look to Liz.
“It may take her some time to speak. She’s been squeezing hands or pointing, but no words, yet.”
I’m nervous because I haven’t spoken to them or the doctors and I don’t know what’s been said to her and what hasn’t.
“Does she know—” I whisper, eyeing Liz so that she registers what I mean. She shakes her head.
“We should wait until we know more.”
I nod, agreeing. I look back to Madi.
“I’ve missed you so much. Can I hug you?”
Her eyes round slightly and her arm lifts just barely off the bed. I lean down and hug her to me, parts of my broken heart falling back into place. Pieces I thought were gone forever.
The door opens and a nurse walks in.
“Guys, I hate to do it, but we need an hour with her.”
I look down at her and I can tell she doesn’t want us to go. “I promise, we will be back in an hour. Okay?”
She squeezes my hand. We walk reluctantly from the room, congregating by the door and a little lost.
“Did Kora take Liam home or is she still at your apartment?” Liz asks.
“My apartment. What are we going to do? I mean, I know she’s unaware of a lot of things, but how long are we going to wait before we bring him to her?” I ask.
“We are meeting with the specialists at seven. When we know what they know, we can make an informed decision.”
I stand there attempting to wrap my mind around all that’s happened in the last hour and feeling frozen in place. Stone’s hand rubs my back and I look up at him, realizing that not once did I introduce him and that he just witnessed a profound and very intimate moment in my life take place.
“Liz, Aston, this is Stone.”
“Nice to meet you,” Liz says. I expect an immediate pleasantry from Aston, but when I hear nothing, I look to him. His eyes roam Stone and then me, questioning, appraising.
“Yes, I knew you looked familiar. From the office.” Stone extends his hand, Aston’s hesitancy noticed by all, including Liz who looks at her husband like he’s lost his mind. Before I can form words, he takes it, shaking Stone’s hand, tension present.
“Since it’s going to be an hour before we can get back in there, I’ll have Stone take me home and I’ll fill Mom in and come back.”
“Why don’t you just go home, get some rest and come back with Liam in the morning. If we talk to the doctors and decide not to tell her for a while, then I’ll take him home with me for the day,” Liz says. I’m momentarily stunned.
“I promised her I would come back in an hour, though.”
“Lydia, it will be fine. She’s not going anywhere and this is going to be a tedious process. Go home,” Aston says, minute frustration in his tone. I study him. What is his deal?
I shake my head, hugging them both.
“Okay. Call me if anything changes.”
They nod.
“Nice meeting you, Mrs. Eriksson. Mr. Eriksson,” Stone says from my side.
We walk quietly beside each other, not touching, not talking, just walking. I search for words to express what I’m feeling, but everything is mushed together and indecipherable. When we get to his truck, I realize how much I appreciate and cherish his support, glad that he was here with me.
When he gets in beside me, the silence remains, but when I reach out and take his hand across the seat and he interlocks our fingers, I know words aren’t necessary.
I try not to think about it because I fear it, but I can’t shake this overwhelming feeling that Stone knows me better than I know myself, better than anyone has ever known me. How or why would I ever want to lose that?
But at the same time, how can I hold onto him when I fear that the day will come that Madison wants me to let him go?
I didn’t sleep much last night, but the little I did get was only because Stone stayed. It was so strange that out of all these weeks of him being with us, he’d never tried to stay the night and that last night was the first time we’d slept together.
It felt the way it should feel. It felt right.
It reminded me of the night he held me until I fell asleep, the night I’d exposed my fears to him without even knowing who he was. The first night that I knew he was going to leave his mark on me.
The level of gratitude I have for his presence last night is indescribable, and I can’t help but wish he were with me this morning as I walk into the hospital.
He’d asked if I wanted him to come and I declined because I have no idea what I’m walking into, and given that Aston will be here, I didn’t want to put Stone back in the uncomfortable situation he was in last night.
I stop in the waiting room down the hall from Madison’s room and text Liz to see where they are since I have Liam. When she instructs me to come to the rehab wing, I pick up the car seat and make my way there, surprised to see them all around an oblong table in a conference room to the right of the double doors when I arrive.
“Dr. Montgomery, this is Lydia.” Dressed in light blue scrubs, the man stands and extends his hand to me as Aston takes the car seat.
“Nice to meet you,” I say.
“I’ve heard a lot about you this morning. Please, have a seat.” I sit across from Liz and Aston, them both looking Liam over as he sleeps. “I was just about to go over the initial conclusions of Madison’s preliminary testing with Mr. and Mrs. Eriksson.” I sit on the edge of my seat as he turns on a lightbox, pictures of Madison’s skull illuminating.
“On the left is the initial CT Scan of Madison’s skull in July, and this one on the right is the one taken just hours ago. As you can see there is a significant change. After the scan, as well as a physical examination of the skull itself, as we’ve observed while in a coma, the initial injuries she sustained are about ninety-five percent healed.” He takes those scans down and replaces them with two different ones. “Again, the left is from July and the right is today. These MRI’s show the state of her brain, this one showing a significant amount of trauma indicated by the lack of Gyrus, or lines, on the brain in this area. You can see the return of Gyrus here in this scan, indicating healing.” He turns the light on the board off and returns to his seat.
“Now, keeping in mind that she will continue to undergo testing, as of right now this is all we have to go on. All her vitals are strong, blood pressure, lung function, it all shows that physically she is just fine. Early this morning, Dr. Valerie, physical therapist, put her through a mild round of testing to see what level of body function she has. And I’ve got to say, she was impressed. Of course, her muscles are weak and it will take her some time to regain that, but the positive here is that her body hasn’t lost the ability.”
I see Aston take Liz’s hand across the table and I’m doing everything I can to keep it together.
“So where do we go from here, doctor? What do we need to expect?” Aston asks. I look between the two of them, waiting to hear her fate.
“The easiest and least traumatic course of action is to basically let her lead the way. When the body lies dormant for such a long period, there are issues to be expected. They can be as simple as UTI’s from prolonged catheter use, to never regaining the ability to walk without assistance. All we can do is push her gently every day and wait. But in my professional opinion, I believe Madison shows all the signs of a full recovery.”
“I read many patients that slip into a coma from injuries like Madison’s experience memory loss and possibly long-term brain damage.
“Did she remember all of you?”
We all shake our heads.
“She may have instances where she doesn’t remember things that come up in conversation; childhood memories, family members she had little to no interaction with. But at this point, everything she’s exhibited says otherwise. As far as her cognitive abilities, she could answer yes and no questions with the therapist this morning, her answer indicated by lifting either her left or right hand to reveal her answer.”
“Why can’t she talk to us?” I ask.
“We have a speech therapist set up to begin working with her on Monday. It will be a slow process, but once she re-trains her vocal chords and the connection between them and her brain is re-established, there won’t be any further issues. It is common in coma patients. Of course, there are only a handful of documented cases that resemble hers, but we have conferred with each of the doctors that oversaw the recovery of those patients, and Madison has already made miraculous leaps and bounds in the last twenty-four hours compared to the rate in which they recovered.”
“What about the baby? Should we wait to introduce her to him?” Liz asks, voice full of emotion.
“I don’t see any reason why. If she hadn’t known about the pregnancy prior to the coma, I would advise against it just for the pure shock value. But the records we received from her gynecologist indicate that she was aware. So, it’s only a matter of time before she begins to wonder.” He stands from his chair. “I will be in contact with you, noting any changes as they come. You have my information and you’re welcome to contact me with any questions that may arise over these next couple of weeks.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Montgomery.” Liz shakes his hand, then Aston, and finally, me.
When he exits the room, the collective emotion of the three of us breaks, shattering our resolve as we cry tears of joy, relief and thanks.
Small sounds come from Liam and I pull away from Liz and look down at him.
“I think someone wants to join the celebration,” I say, squatting down to unbuckle the straps and lift him out. “Good morning, Mr. Man.” His little eyes flutter open, fist firmly planted against his lips. I reach into the diaper bag and pull out his bottle, putting it to his lips. “Is this what you want?” I laugh when he latches on for dear life, my cheeks still wet with tears.
Liz steps closer taking his little sock-covered foot between her fingers. I look up at her.
“Want to hold him?”
Her eyes round, head nodding. I place him in her arms and look between her and Aston. “How are we going to do this?” I ask them, clarification unnecessary. I’m sure it’s been on each of our minds equally since last night.
“We let her meet her son,” Aston says simply. And it really is that simple. No matter how complicated we make it in our minds, thinking that somehow there is a special way to handle this, it really is as simple as walking into her room and letting her meet her son for the first time.
I slide the diaper bag over my shoulder and Aston picks up the car seat, the three of us looking at each other in agreement as we file out of the conference room and head toward her room.
When we pass the nurse’s station, Joan gives the three of us a bright and knowing smile. I can’t help but wonder what this looks like to someone on the outside, this anomaly of circumstance that they know they will likely never see again in their lifetime, and knowing that they all played a part in this moment.
“Let me check to see if anyone is in there first,” Aston says, opening the door and sticking his head in. He waves us in and we follow, my heart pounding in my chest because the weight of it is so much heavier than I ever expected it to be.
When she comes into sight, her smile causes the tears I’ve been holding back to fall. But the moment that Madison sees Liz behind me with Liam in her arms, that’s when they begin to pour.
Each feature of her gorgeous face carries a different emotion and I’d give anything to understand, but I know nobody ever will. Liz steps up to the side of the bed and Madison tries to lift her arm, unable as a tear rolls down her cheek.
“Are you ready to meet your son?” Liz asks, Aston stepping up to the opposite side of the bed. “This is Liam.” Liz lays Liam in her arms as Aston folds them around him, staying by her side to help support the weight of him as she holds him for the first time.
I pull my phone from the diaper bag and take pictures through my tears. She looks at him in wonder, I’m sure the way every new mother does, but I know her look is different. Hers is one of fearless determination and pride in knowing that despite all, she made it through and brought her son safely into this world.
After the news we received from the doctor this morning, and hours of watching the three of them together, my heart is full. But as full as it is, Stone’s absence is felt. The leaden weight of guilt I feel when I look at Madison is lighter than it was, but it’s still there. I think of what it will be like to tell her, how she will react and if I’ll feel like the only choice I have is to be without him.
She’s my best friend, my family. After what we’ve endured, how could I very well choose him over the only family I know if forced to make that choice?
I shake off the thoughts, standing from my seat.
“I think I’m going to go get a coffee. You guys want anything?” I ask.
“Hey, let me walk with you,” Liz answers. “You guys okay for a minute?” she asks Aston, Liam asleep on Madison’s chest as she smiles over to us.
“We’re just fine,” Aston replies.
Liz and I walk out into the hallway and I turn to head to the cafeteria, but she stops me.
“Wait, I really just wanted to talk to you.” I turn to her. “Why don’t we take Liam for the night? It would give us some time with him and give you a night to yourself.”
“Are you sure? Do you have a place for him to sleep?”
“Actually, I’ve been turning one of the guest bedrooms into a nursery for him.”
Her answer surprises me, but really, it shouldn’t.
“Okay then,” I say, laughing a little. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“I have a feeling it will have something to do with that handsome guy from last night.”
My smile falters a little, knowing that Aston must’ve kept Stone’s history to himself or else she probably wouldn’t be so giddy about me seeing him.
“I may just go home and soak in the tub and consume a bottle or two of wine.”
She laughs and I hug her, checking to make sure my phone and keys are in my pocket. “See you tomorrow.”
“Love you. See you tomorrow.”
I hail a cab, giving the driver my address as I climb inside. As the exhaustion of the day sets in, my muscles ache and my mind is numb. But the urge to see Stone doesn’t wane, instead growing with every mile we conquer on the busy downtown streets.
The farther we drive, the less I want to go home. I want to go to him, to tell him the news of my day, to kiss his mouth, to plead with him to stay with me again tonight.
My voice of reason tells me that this is getting too serious, that if I’m unwilling to give myself to him wholly, than continuing at this pace will prove detrimental to my heart, and likely his. But I’m drawn to him, unable to fight the urge to go to him.
Consequences be damned.