MADISON’S HOMECOMING HASN’T SET IN until today, as we all gather at Aston and Liz’s house to welcome her. I boxed up Liam’s favorite things even though I knew they would have more than enough for him, and the odds of me watching him here and there are likely. He still has his favorite pacifier and blanket that I thought may bring him some comfort and ease the transition. The one thing that I desperately wanted him to have I can’t seem to find. I turned the apartment upside down looking for his bear without success. I know he’s far too small to know if it’s there or not, but knowing he had it would make me feel a little closer to him in his absence. The bear was meant as a reminder of Madi when she couldn’t be by his side, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t comfort me, too.
He’s been passed back and forth a hundred times between Mom, Liz, Madi and Margaret, while Dad, Aston and I have moved furniture and helped the medical supply technicians set up her rehab equipment and the rest of the necessary things needed for this phase of her recovery.
She stood and gave me a hug when we arrived hours ago, and I haven’t been able to rein in my emotions completely since. I guess all this time, a part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop—waiting for the day that I’d have to stand by her grave and talk to her lifeless body through the lid of a casket. Now that my mind and soul have accepted that she’s back, and making progress every day, all those pent-up emotions are coming out in little, uncontrollable increments.
Standing in their kitchen, gazing through the kitchen window overlooking the back yard we spent so much time in growing up, I feel undeniably lost. Lost because I have no idea where my life goes after this because, without question or regret, I put it all on hold. But now that this day has come, I’m all out of excuses.
No more, “I can’t because I have to go to the hospital.”
No more, “I can’t because I have to take care of Liam.”
No more, “I can’t take clients because I need to be available to jump and run at the drop of a hat.”
No more, “I can’t love someone like Stone because he’s a monster like Damon.”
I am all out of excuses and now I don’t know who I am or what I want, other than I know I want to call Stone. I want to go see him. I want to kiss his lips and lose myself in him because he’s the only person who can give that to me, and he’s the only person I want that from.
The look on his face when he walked out that door started a pain in my heart that has yet to cease in all the days since. It’s still a gaping wound on my soul that will only be healed by his forgiveness and understanding. When I get the chance, I’ll do whatever it takes for him to understand why I had to push him away.
I was making him weak, and you can’t win your last fight being weak.
“So, I hear you’ll be coming back to the office tomorrow,” Aston’s voice says from behind. I turn and look at him, almost dropping the glass of water in my hand, deep in thought. I give the best smile I’ve got right now and nod.
He opens a cabinet beside the fridge and pulls out a bottle of bourbon.
“I think you deserve something a little stouter than water. Ice or straight?” He holds the bottle up to me.
“Actually, do you have any tequila? Drink of choice lately.”
He eyes me curiously, but turns back to the cabinet and moves a few things around, setting his bourbon on the island and pulling out a bottle of Casa Noble.
“Think this will work? Check the fruit basket, I’m sure there are some limes or lemons in there.” He takes a couple of rocks tumblers from the cabinet, placing one before each of us. I don’t even waste time with fruit or salt, barely letting the liquid settle in the glass before I put it to my lips and taste the burn on my tongue, all the way down to the pit of my belly. The reminder of drinking this from Stone’s lips welcome and only making me reach for the bottle a second time.
“Have you given mine and Stellan’s proposal anymore thought?” Aston asks as I throw back my second healthy dose. I set the glass down, debating on whether taking three shots back to back would look desperate. I peer up at him, pondering my answer as he sips his bourbon like the polished man he is.
“I’ve definitely considered it.”
“And?”
I turn to see my father. Without question, Aston retrieves another tumbler and sets it across from Dad, pouring two fingers of bourbon for him.
“And, I think at least until I make a firm and educated decision about my long-term goals, taking on the odd client at the firm is definitely my next step. I don’t think it would interfere with my duties as your assistant, but—”
“I don’t need an assistant. Diane is quite capable of tending to both mine and Aston’s clerical needs, and to be frank, I’m tired of seeing my daughter’s potential go to waste.”
“So, it’s settled,” Aston says, leaving no room for further discussion on the matter. First Dad, then Aston raise their glasses to me.
“To the only rookie we’ve ever had at Norberg & Eriksson,” Dad says. I grin, clinking my glass with theirs.
“Does this mean you’ll have to add ‘and Associates’ to the sign out front?” I eye them both and laugh.
“After you get your feet wet and decide this is where you want to be? Absolutely.”
“I’ll take that under advisement. I want to thank you both for the opportunity, but also apologize for my indecisiveness. I’ve just got some decisions to make is all.” I tilt my empty glass in their direction. Aston drains the contents from his glass, setting the now empty tumbler on the counter.
“Since we’re handing out apologies, I’d like to say that I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted toward Stone the couple of times I’ve seen him. You didn’t deserve that type of behavior from me, and I’m sure he didn’t either. You’re a smart woman and if you think he’s a decent young man, that should be enough for me.”
I stop pouring the tequila from the bottle to my glass mid-stream, the topic coming from him hitting harder than my own thoughts of Stone.
“He never mentioned it. He’s gotten used to others looking down their noses at him, but in this situation, he understands that it came from a place of concern and nothing else.” I roll the glass between my hands, knowing that getting tossed before my first day back to work probably isn’t the answer or the right thing to do. “Anyway, I’ve stepped back to give him space to be who he needs to be for this nightmare bullshit with Joseph Cameron to be over.”
“So, I assume he decided to accept Cameron’s terms?” Dad asks. I nod slowly, waiting for the inevitable lecture I know is coming. “Well, considering I’ve never been faced with a decision like that, it would be unfair to pass judgment on something I know nothing about.” Dad moves around the corner of the bar, placing his arm around my shoulder. “But I do find it difficult to believe my stubborn daughter isn’t in his ear, attempting to convince him otherwise.”
“I’ve got files of reasons explaining why I shouldn’t. People like Stone are disposable to people like Cameron, and I can’t let my feelings get in the way of due process.” Aston and my father share a look, Dad holding out his glass for Aston to refill.
“I don’t doubt the truth in that statement, or the head on your shoulders. But if you change your mind or decide you need our help, just say the word,” Aston says, palms flat on top the counter, eyes level with mine.
“I know. Thank you.”
Dad kisses the top of my head and we clink our glasses one last time before polishing off our drinks—next day hangover be damned. Because, knowing that I have a blessing from them makes knowing my full intent on getting Stone back, that much easier.
All eight of us sit down for our first dinner together in almost a year, including Margaret and Liam in his swing, fast asleep beside the dining room table. Thankfully Margaret prepared a family favorite, and between the pasta and bread, I should be like new from all the carbs before heading home.
“More,” Madi says, the notable expression on our faces every time she speaks ever present around the table. Liz scoops more pasta into her bowl, all too happy at Madi’s increase in appetite.
I push my plate to the side, feeling like a stuffed turkey on Thanksgiving.
“I’m really going to have to step up the jogging if I’m going to be eating over like this all the time.” I pat Margaret on the back where she sits beside me.
“Ahh. Just pretend it’s low carb and gluten free like all the stuff you girls eat these days.”
I guffaw in mock horror.
“I’m shocked. You’ve seen me eat and we both know low carb or gluten free isn’t on my list of preferences.”
“Well, that’s good. Because I’ve got a chocolaty dessert with your name all over it. I’ll be right—”
“Oh, no you don’t. I’m so full I’d bust if I ate anything else. Besides, I’ve got to get going and prepare for the real world tomorrow.”
“And you also have to pencil in a lunch date with your mother tomorrow. I know your boss, he won’t mind.” Mom grins over at my father.
“And I try to stay in good graces with this mother of yours, so I insist,” Dad says.
Mom stands, gathering empty plates and kissing the top of his head as she makes her way to the kitchen. I look over at Madi, making a gagging face like we did as kids and she laughs.
I follow suit, gathering my own dinnerware and carrying it to the kitchen, stepping up to the sink beside Mom and rinsing off my dishes.
“How are you getting home? Did you make arrangements for a car?”
“I’m sure it will give Dad something to gripe about, but I’m just going to message for a cab.” I take my phone from my back pocket, looking quickly for any missed calls or texts from Stone before sending for a cab. Of course, there aren’t any. There hasn’t been any and I’m sure there won’t be.
“You know he just likes you to use the car service because he worries.”
“I know. But we both know he’s going to have to chill out a little. I’ve grown up in this city, I’ve got this.” She looks at me, nodding subtly before pulling me in for a hug.
“I know you’ve gotten attached to Liam, and I know it’s going to be an adjustment not having him there. If you need us, you call. Okay?”
I squeeze her tight before letting go and stepping back.
“I’ll be fine, Mom. Promise.” I tell her the half-truth, hoping that somehow by saying it, I can convince myself. “See you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
I walk back into the dining room, giving everyone quick hugs and giving Liam a long look in his swing, leaning down to kiss his little cheek. When I get to Madi, she holds up her hand, shaking her head. I look to Liz, the same confusion on her face as is on mine. Madi adjusts her walker beside her chair, trying to stand.
I hold her chair and grab her elbow, helping her up but unknowing what she’s getting up for. When she starts walking slowly to the family room, I follow, knowing she must need to show me something.
She finally makes her way to the desk along the wall and lifts an envelope from the top, turning to hand it to me. I look over it, Lydia written in what appears to be Liz’s handwriting. I run my finger under the sealed flap, but Madi’s hand on my arm stops me.
“Home,” she says. I tilt my head and give her my best mischievous look, but she just smiles and shakes her head. “Home.”
“Well, you’re no fun,” I tease, leaning in to hug her tight. “I won’t read it now, but I can’t guarantee I won’t read it in the cab on the way home. So, ha, ha.”
She rolls her eyes and a lump forms in my throat. It really is her in there. Not someone I don’t know, but the Madi I’ve known my entire life.
I’m not sure if it’s the tequila, the overload of carbs, or pure exhaustion finally catching up to me, but I guess before we even got out of the gated community, I dozed off. Which will be something I never mention to my father because I can’t count the number of times he’s lectured me about never falling asleep in a cab or else I’ll end up dead in the river.
I come to as the car pulls up to the curb in front of my apartment, paying the fair and tipping a little extra to the cabbie for not killing me.
Tossing my keys on the entry table in my apartment, the first thing that hits me is the smell of Liam and all things baby. I knew that today would be a domino of emotions, but that smell hits me square in the heart. Not because I won’t see him, not because I didn’t hope for his and Madi’s sake, that this was temporary. But because I realize how empty my life is now that he’s gone.
Knowing that he is reunited with his mother and that she is going to be around for his life has got to be the most rewarding feeling of my life. More rewarding than excelling in law school. More rewarding than earning my degree and setting myself up for the future that I want for myself. More rewarding than my own happiness. It’s all I’ve wanted.
But it’s also a hard slap of reality to the face. A slap that brings with it the knowledge that I want that for myself. I want the husband. I want the children. I want the family. Maybe not anytime soon, but eventually, I want it. I have love to give and I want that in return, as much as I want to be an attorney who fights for what’s right, who fights for the rights of those who don’t have anyone in their corner and the laws that protect them.
Placing my jacket on the rack, I slip off my shoes and walk around, picking up little remnants of Liam and carrying them down the hall to his nursery. I flip on the light and put everything in its place, sitting in the rocking chair and breathing in his sweet smell, knowing it will last as a reminder of the little family life I’ve lived for all these weeks that’s now come to an abrupt and lonely end.
None of this mattered before. It was all just a way of life that I’d never given much thought to. Now, I have a feeling I will think about it far more than I care to.
I pull my phone from my pocket, opening the gallery and scrolling through all the pictures; Liam asleep, Liam in my lap making faces, Liam asleep on Stone’s chest. I close my eyes at that one, remembering the way it felt to witness Stone with him, how on more than one occasion I had allowed my mind to venture to a place where he as a father, maybe someday with our own children, wasn’t so farfetched.
Of course, those thoughts were always short-lived and shaken off with brute force because I felt like I was seeing a life with possibilities that could never be—a life that he didn’t want with me.
But these last couple of weeks something changed. He changed. Or hell, maybe I changed. Maybe I was finally tired of pushing him away and denying what was happening between us regardless of who he is and what I thought I wanted him to be; someone who wasn’t or ever had been a fighter.
Now I see that is exactly who I know he isn’t. It’s something he did, not who he is. It’s something that made him the strong, loyal, dedicated man he is and those are all the things that have made me fall for him in the end.
I push out of the chair and turn off the light, walking to my bedroom to shower. I pull off my shirt and unbutton my jeans, but when I push them down my hips, I hear the crinkle of paper. Remembering Madi’s letter, I reach in the back pocket and pull out the envelope. I pull out the folded paper, opening it to see sentence after sentence of typed text and I begin to read.
To my Lydia,
What a roller coaster of a ride I’m sure these last months have been for you, especially these last weeks as you’ve taken on the mommy role in Liam’s life while I couldn’t be there. I could write page after page of words from my heart, expressing my gratitude and the fact that I will never be able to put into words what you’ve done for us and it still wouldn’t be enough.
I know you as well as I know myself, and I know you did it without question, and hopefully knowing with certainty that if the roles were reversed I would have done the same for you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart and my endless love for you, thank you.
But honestly, that’s not what this letter is meant for, not entirely anyway. I’m writing this letter after a conversation I had with Mom, who I can bet money on, you didn’t think knew anything about the wonderful man who came into your life and helped care for my son. But like we’ve always been wrong about, our parents talk—a lot.
She told me that when they weren’t there for you and Liam like they should have been, a discussion for a different time, and one I’m sure will take some getting over on my part, that Stone stepped in.
But the part that stuck out to me the most was the apparent guilt you’ve been feeling about your involvement with him because of how you thought I might feel betrayed or angry because he, like Damon, is a fighter.
First, let me just say that I’m under no illusions that Damon was a good person, but again, that’s another discussion for another time. But also, I know that just because someone is or was a fighter in the underground, means in any way that they were or are like Damon. I can say with certainty that Stone is nothing like him, even without formally meeting him. No man that would do what Stone has done for my best friend and my son could ever be placed in the same category as a man such as Damon Daniels.
You’ve spent our entire lives cleaning up my messes and sacrificing your own life for mine. That’s who you are, Lydia. To the deepest parts of your soul, you are all that’s good in this world and I will never understand, other than the fact that we are family, why you’ve stayed by my side. But God knows I’d be lost without you.
But now it’s my turn to look after you.
You deserve happiness and love as much or more than the rest of us, and if I have to get my walker and come over there to forcibly make you, you’re going to go after this man with the fearless determination that you’ve always gone after anything you set your mind to. Stop worrying about me, or Liam, or our parents, and worry about you and this life I know you want. I saw it in your eyes when you talked about him that day—you are in love with him.
I was so angry that I couldn’t say all of this that day. So angry that I couldn’t tell you that no matter who or what this man has done in his life, he deserves all of you. And I know you know that, so at this point, I’m probably rambling. But I want to make sure you know that I want your happiness as much as my own.
He may fight in the circle but you’re a fighter, too. So, go fight for him.
You are a part of me and I love you.
Madi
Tears pour from my eyes landing like raindrops along the paper. I hold it to my chest, feeling like the last puzzle piece has finally fallen into place. It’s her, every word. And I’m angry at myself for ever letting one second pass where I doubted that she would be again.
Everything she’s said is exactly what I needed to hear, crafted in her own special way like a decree of absolution. And every word is right. What she said about me, what she said about Stone, it’s all right.
He never was, nor will he ever be like Damon. Down to the deepest parts of myself, I knew he wasn’t someone to be feared the first time he touched me. He was someone to be proud to know, someone who would protect me and anyone else he cared about at the risk of putting himself in danger, or worse.
He is the person I want to be. The person who fights for what’s right, no matter the risk.
His parting words to me make so much sense now, that my chest hurts. We aren’t different at all. We do fight for different reasons, he’s just been fighting for a lot longer than I have.
And now it’s my turn to fight for him.