Under the covers Sebastian stroked my back as I nestled up against him, my head tucked under his chin. I’d never experienced anything remotely close to what I had when this man took me. He managed to learn and then intuit exactly what I needed and then did it, as if he was able to read my mind.

It was probably a good thing that he couldn’t though. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t ever want to touch me ever again… and for the second time that day, I wasn’t sure I could bear losing him.

“Anna, are you awake?” he asked softly, above me.

I replied with a murmur and slid my hand into his, our fingers threading together.

“I know you must be feeling lonely, and possibly out of sorts, but I want you to know you can tell me anything. Even if it’s bad… I won’t hold anything against you.”

I held my breath, wondering where the hell this had come from. Did he know all my secrets? I thought I’d been so careful… or was he on a fishing expedition, suspicion driving him? I had to be careful with my answers, yet I was at a loss at what to say.

Sebastian continued speaking before I came up with a reply. “I also know how difficult it might be trying to translate what you’re feeling into a language you’re not fluent in… so I thought we could sign up for classes together. What do you think? It’s a good idea, right? I can take Russian, and you can take English.”

I pulled back to glance at him, needing to see the expression on his face, wondering if this was a test. But there was that sparkle in his eye, and the sweet smile on his lips. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“It would only be fair if I learned some Russian, to make you feel more at home?”

My heart melted at his thoughtfulness even if his plan would expose me instantly. But that he was willing and even considering doing something like that made me realize he was special, a one of a kind… and I was going to screw everything up.

“Well, don’t thank me all at once. Cat got your tongue?” he said with a chuckle, deliberating pointing out my silence. Moving his mouth closer to my ear, he said, “You know, if you ever want to talk dirty to me in your own language, I won’t mind one little bit.”

Blushing, I shook my head, hiding away from his penetrating gaze and kissed his chest.

“Just a thought,” he continued, and I could tell he was smiling by the lilt in his voice. “You hungry?”

Glad that he was on to another subject I nodded.

“Good, cause I have reservations for us at eight at this new place. I’m going to take you out, show you off, then bring you back here to devour you all over again.”

He kissed the top of my head and slipped out of bed, then the room, leaving me to wonder what on earth I was going to wear. It wasn’t like I had a wardrobe full of restaurant-worthy clothes, unless that restaurant was a burger place.

Sitting up in the middle of the bed I considered that maybe this was the time to let him know, to finally come clean. But then he burst back through the door, a wide grin on his handsome face as he held up several bags. He set them down on the edge of the bed in front of me.

“Go on, take a look. They’re for you.”

Tentatively I investigated the offerings. I recognized the store’s logo on the side of the bags, a high-end fashion boutique.

“I did a little shopping on your behalf. I hope you don’t mind. I noticed you didn’t bring much with you, so…” He trailed off as I pulled out jeans, sweaters, tops, even lingerie. A whole new wardrobe awaited me in these bags, and I had difficulty hiding my shock and gratitude. “Anything that doesn’t fit or that you hate, we can take back. I had one of the store assistants help pick stuff out. And next time you can choose everything once you’re feeling more adventurous and up for going out without me.”

I sat on my knees, staring at him. Amazed. How did I get so lucky to find this man?

“And this,” he said as he pulled a thin box from around his back, “is for tonight. God, I hope you like it.”

He presented it to me, and I lifted the lid with trepidation. Pulling back the tissue paper, revealed a sinfully expensive black dress with a plunging neckline. When I took it out of the box and held it up, I gasped. It was gorgeous.

“Here, try it on,” Sebastian said, taking my hand and helping me off the bed and to my feet. My naked body slipped from the sheets, but I did nothing to cover myself, around Sebastian I felt like I didn’t have to hide… which only made me want to tell him everything even more. To reveal myself fully.

Sebastian took the dress and I lifted my arms. The fabric trickled down my body, making my nipples pucker.

“Stunning,” he breathed when it finally settled. I turned to show him. I discovered then it also had a high slit up one leg. Sebastian, as if he was unable to resist, teased the opening and let his hand drift up my thigh. Before me he stiffened and I quickly stepped away, shaking my head with teasing smile.

“Later,” I said, my voice hoarse. Our earlier activities had strained my vocal cords and I couldn’t help but think that was a blessing. Now I would have a legitimate excuse to keep my mouth shut.

“Fine,” he huffed. “But I can’t promise I won’t keep my hands off you at the restaurant.”

With the limited supply of makeup I possessed, I was able to create a sultry smoky eye. I left my hair loose and long, but when I glanced in the mirror in the bedroom, I frowned as my eyes lingered at the empty space where my necklace used to be.

Behind me in an elegant black shirt and grey tie, Sebastian studied me.

“There’s something different about you,” he said as lines appeared on his brow. He titled his head as if that would help him solve he puzzle. Then his eyes flashed and locked with mine in the reflection.

I glanced away, unable to bear his scrutiny.

“Anna,” he said as his hands landed lightly on my bare arms. His left hand trailed down, cupping my elbow and lifting up my arm. “Anna, where’s your ring?”

I reclaimed my arm and skirted around him, as if by not looking at him I could ignore his question, and hide the tears in my eyes. After pawning the necklace, I couldn’t bear to look at the engagement ring. I was too consumed with guilt.

“Did you lose it?” he continued to ask. “Anna you have to speak to me. Try.”

I rushed into the bathroom, shaking my head. I’d left it right there on the side of the sink. I was sure I had. But it was gone. I stuck my finger down under the plug, into the opening. Had I knocked it and went down the drain?

If the guilt had been bad, the panic that twisted my insides, like coiling snakes devouring themselves, was a hell of lot worse.

My mind whirled, this was it, this was the moment I would lose him. He wouldn’t want someone so careless, so stupid as to lose an engagement ring. I’d chosen him over the memory of my mom, and now I would be left with nothing. Both of them gone.

Suddenly my throat tightened and the world shifted, tilting on its axis. I was spinning out of control. All the lies, all my conflicting emotions, they were catching up to me. Suffocating me.

I opened my mouth to speak, Sebastian at the bathroom door with a perplexed look on his face, waiting for an answer.

“Anna? What’s wrong?” His eye wide, his tone disturbed.

I shook my head, my hand clutching my throat. Clawing at it. If only I could make an opening…

“Can’t breathe,” I croaked.

Sebastian disappeared from sight… he was abandoning me, and the bathroom spun again. Coming in and out of focus so fast I thought the room felt like it was closing in on me, like I was going to be crushed. Squeezed until I was no more.

I clutched my chest, my lungs burning. I scrunched my eyes shut trying to force air down my windpipe but there was only a trickle of relief.

Suddenly a supportive hand was on my back, Sebastian at my side, holding up a paper bag to my lips.

“Breathe into this, Anna,” he said his voice firm, urgently but calm. “You’re having a panic attack. Just breathe.”

I tried to push him away but he was too strong, unmovable. He stepped into my line of sight, and locked eyes with me.

“Look at me. Concentrate on me. In and out, Anna. That’s it, in and out. You’re going to be okay, baby. I’m here. Keeping breathing. One breath at a time.”

Watching him, I was able to find a semblance of purchase. I clung to the feeling of safety like it was a life raft. The warmth in his eyes and voice reassuring me, kept me steady and finally I was able to take a full lungful of air without it feeling like was strangling me.

---

Once I’d calmed down and was breathing normally again, Sebastian scooped me up from where we’d tumbled to the floor, and deposited me back on the bed. He disappeared for a second, hunting through the purchases he’d shown me before then came back to my side.

Patiently he moved my weak limbs, removed the dress. Seconds later he was dressing me again, but this time covering my body with a long-sleeved T-shirt and a pair of comfortable sleeping shorts.

I must have looked a mess. Eyeshadow no doubt smudged into panda-like circles on my face, hair an absolute knotty mess. Yet Sebastian glanced at me like none of that mattered to him, like he could see past the carnage to the underside of my soul.

He dropped to his knees at the edge of the bed, his hands on my dangling legs, then held my knotted hands on my lap.

“Baby, do you want to tell me what that was about?” he said, tone light, not pressuring me, merely full of concern.

I wanted to tell him everything. Wanted the truth to ooze out of me, so I didn’t have to speak the damning words. How I’d fallen so hard for him but also knowing how I’d betrayed him. His trust, his kindness.

I shook my head.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to. But I’m here if you change your mind. You know, my mom used to have panic attacks. Sometimes stress brought it on, but sometimes they would come out of the blue. We’d be sitting there, doing regular stuff, eating or at the park—only me and her—and suddenly she’d collapse like the whole world no longer had air.”

I watched his eyes as he told me about his mom. Glimmering with pain, yet tinged with a subtle wonderment. It was obvious his mom meant a lot to him.

“It was scary,” he continued. “Being twelve and not knowing what to do when your mom, who’d always been so strong, so fierce, was crippled by anxiety. I was helpless, couldn’t do a thing to help then, and it only got worse.”

My hands went to his cheeks, trying to give him comfort where I could. “What happened?” I croaked.

Sebastian gave a strained smile. “It all seemed to snowball. One minute we were okay, the next I was living with my mom’s best friend, Stephanie Moran, and her son. Mom lost her job, tried to get help, but it never worked. The attacks got worse, the depression became insurmountable. And she died a year or so later.” He took a deep breath through his nose as I pulled him to me, hugging him. Hoping to transfer as much love as I could to him, share with him my own pain when I lost my mom.

“They took me in, adopted me. But I didn’t bring this up for you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know you can trust me, that I’m not twelve anymore: I can get you help if you need it.”

I nodded and squeezed him harder. “Thank you.”

He pulled back then kissed me. “I’d do anything for you. You just have to be honest with me.”

Sebastian seemed to wait for me to respond, and I so desperately wanted to. He was giving me an opening, a way out, if I only I could take hold of the olive branch he was offering. But the risk was far too great, and I was unable to summon the bravery I needed to come clean.

“Well, when you’re ready. I’ll be here,” he said kindly. “You hungry?”

Eyes wide, my throat still sore, I rattled out the words, “Oh no…” I’d ruined his lovely plans, and the shame of what had happened was in danger of overwhelming me again. But one look at Sebastian told me I didn’t have to worry. He wasn’t mad.

“Baby, you don’t have to worry about that. There’ll be plenty of times when we can get dressed up and go out. We can have a night in instead. I think I’d probably like that more anyway, keep you all to myself.”

I returned his smile and nodded. My eyes flickered to my naked ring finger again and I frowned.

“What is it?” he said, but he followed my gaze.

“I lost it, I’m so sorry,” I said almost vomiting up the words, barely clinging on to the much-needed accent to continue the damn farce. I hid my face, as hot tears erupted.

I felt Sebastian’s hands on my face, prying my fingers away. “Anna, look at me. Even if you had, it would be okay.”

I opened my eyes confused. But I had lost it, right down the damn plughole. Hadn’t I? I distinctly remembered drawing myself a bath, peeling off my clothes but making sure to take the ring out of my pocket first… then what? I couldn’t remember. I’d stared in the mirror above the sink for a long while, I knew, looking at the space where my mother’s locket used to lie. But what had I done with the ring?

“Oh, babe, it’s right there,” he said and turned my head to the small tray on his chest of drawers that held his cufflinks and loose change.

I stood on weak legs and went to it, praying my eyes were deceiving me. All that panic for nothing, but even I had to admit the attack hadn’t just been because of the ring.

It was right there… where I’d left it. I slipped it back on—to where it belonged—as a huge wave of relief embraced me.

“See, nothing to worry about.”

I rushed back to Sebastian and wrapped my arms around him, kissing his face over and over, until a low groan emitted from his throat and I felt him stiffen against me. I tugged on his belt, fumbling with his buckle, wanting him to make me feel whole again, when he took my wrists and made me stop.

“There’s nothing more I want right now than to take you back to bed, but I want this to be more than sex, Anna. Besides, what you’ve just gone through, it would be like I was taking advantage. I don’t want that. And neither do you.”

I should’ve been angry. He was rejecting me when I needed him the most, when I was in such a vulnerable state, and yet that was exactly why I knew he was doing and saying the right thing. Unable to respond to him verbally, I didn’t know if I had the strength right then to keep up the pretense, I slipped out of his embrace and went back to the bathroom, collected my phone that had somehow made it to the corner of the room, and came back to the bedroom.

Tapping a few keys and a whoosh later, Sebastian’s phone dinged. He shot me a quizzical look as he fished for his phone.

Thank you for being so understanding. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay you. I blushed as he read my message.

With a quirk of his lips, he typed his own reply. I feel the same way. When I’m not with you, I can’t stop thinking about you… Who knew ordering a bride online would work out so well?

Wonders of the Internet, I suppose.

Is that how you’re doing what you’re doing? Do you have some sort of translation app on there?

If only he knew, I thought. You could say that, yes. My throat is sore, do you mind if we talk like this for a bit?

Only if you let me kiss it better?

I licked my lips and smiled, agreeing. Sebastian took my hand and we moved into the living room where he set me up on the couch before going to order some food to be delivered. We snuggled together, a film on the screen, yet barely watching it. Instead, Sebastian showered my throat with kisses until our food arrived. He was right, we didn’t need to go outside, to some fancy restaurant to enjoy each other. Unconventional as it was we had everything we needed right here.

It wasn’t long, after all the wine and Chinese food was gone and the credits rolled up, that we ended up in bed. Our bodies were tangled together, sleep drawing close when Sebastian nuzzled against my neck, his eyes closed.

“Oh, before I forget,” he said his voice dreamy, his breathing slow.

“Mmhmm?” I replied, already drifting off.

“The wedding is on Saturday.”