FAITH

Something very wrong was written on Aaron’s face and his body language radiated a tension so strong, I felt it even outside.

A man hacked and coughed, but he was out of my view.

There wasn’t another car in his drive, so I was confused who was in there. Whoever it was, Aaron’s chest was swelled, and he looked ready to strike.

Suddenly, I had only one thought: my daughter. Unsure of what I was walking into, I gathered all my maternal strength, opened the door, and faced it head on. I scanned the room for Delaney but didn’t see her. I prayed she was playing somewhere in the house. When my eyes landed on the guy swaying by the fireplace, I almost didn’t recognize him.

Chad.

He looked ill, and regardless of how hard times may have been for Delaney and me, apparently it was nothing compared to whatever life he was living. By the looks of the dirty man before me, we’d dodged a bullet when he left, but, for whatever reason, it had ricocheted back. 

It felt like slow motion, and I glanced at Aaron, begging God that he knew where my mind and my heart were. Silently, he replied, glancing at the ceiling.

She was upstairs.

Chad wiped a jittery hand over his mouth and spoke. “Looks like you’ve got it all, man.”

I had so many questions, but mostly I wondered how a man in his condition had been responsible enough to pay me every month. He looked like he didn’t have a dollar to his name. It didn’t make any sense.

I’d always imagined he’d moved away and shacked up with some other chick who made him get a job or something. Then again, the money always came through, and I didn’t care what he was doing as long as he didn’t cause Delaney any trouble.

Now there he was, looking like more trouble than I could deal with.

“How’s that kid?” Chad asked.

Words jammed in my throat, but Aaron answered so I didn’t have to.

“She’s fine.” His voice was full and stern. “You should go.”

“Yeah, I’ll go. I just need to get that money you owe me. Then I’ll be out of your hair.” He staggered closer to us, and Aaron’s posture straightened as he put himself in front of Chad’s path.

I was missing something.

“What money?” I asked.

Neither answered.

“What money?” I repeated, but kept my voice low, not wanting to alarm Del if she could hear. Mostly, I didn’t want her to meet Chad and blindside her with something so huge. I was blindsided enough for both of us.

“Answer me.”

Chad slurred, “Aaron and I have an arrangement.”

A what? Since when? Did they talk? Why didn’t I know about an arrangement between my daughter’s father and my boyfriend?

I tugged on Aaron’s arm, forcing him to look at me. “What is he talking about?”

His jaw rocked and his lips were tight. He’d always been forthcoming with me, and it was the first time he’d hesitated when I’d asked him a direct question.

“Faith, it’s complicated,” Aaron answered.

“No, it’s not. He pays me every month,” Chad claimed.

It didn’t add up. My head swam, and I asked, trying to piece things together, “Is that how you afford to pay me child support?”

He cackled, and his gravelly laughter made my skin crawl. He rubbed his lips with dirty fingers as he crept closer. “I don’t pay no child support,” Chad argued, knocking into the ottoman and then the coffee table. “I don’t have no kids.”

What was he talking about? My stomach rolled.

Through the confusion swimming in my head, the rumble of missing exhaust pipes idled in the street, and then a horn blared.

“Get out,” Aaron ordered. He was so rigid that he looked almost like stone.

Chad glanced out the window and then headed our way. His shoulder hit the wall, but he recovered.

With a strong arm, Aaron firmly steered me out of Chad’s path as he rammed into the door, laughing and coughing. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll get ahold of you, Goodman.”

Chad left much like he did the first time. Without saying goodbye. Without a care. Without even a thought about Delaney. Causing upheaval and chaos, but again, like before, I was relieved he was gone.

I wasn’t sure what the hell had just happened, but I knew it was big, and by the look in Aaron’s eyes, it was bad. My chest tightened. I wasn’t ready for the bubble to burst.

His hand reached for my arm, and I jolted, dodging his touch.

“What is going on?”

“Faith, I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Tell me what?” It took everything I had not to shout. My mind raced.

“The morning you had Delaney, I caught him stealing from your trailer. He had this piggy bank and I couldn’t let him take it.” He was breathing heavily, and he stepped away, gripping tight to the back of his neck.

My feet were planted to the floor.

“He was leaving anyway. I didn’t have anything to do with that. But I’d wanted him to go. He wasn’t good for you and wouldn’t have been good for Del.” His tone was gentle, but unapologetic. Finally his gaze met mine and he continued, “I wouldn’t let him take the bank and told him it wasn’t his. He thought I meant Delaney. That Delaney wasn’t his, and I didn’t correct him. He needed money to get out of town, so I gave him enough to go.”

I couldn’t wrap my head around what he was saying and I felt dizzy, like the world was spinning too fast, out of my control. I couldn’t find words.

“Then he left, and I swore I saw his old Crown Vic in town one day, so I went to the bank and put more money in his account. I didn’t want him to come back, and I didn’t want you to look for him. That’s when I began putting money in your account too. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know any other way to help, and Faith, I couldn’t just sit by and watch.”

I wasn’t sure if my heart had stopped or if it was racing at a speed I couldn’t keep up with. My hands tingled and each time I blinked, my eyes burned more and more.

He reached for me again, but his touch didn’t soothe like it had so many times. In place of the comfort I’d found there, I only felt lost and scared. I moved away.

“All of this time,” I said, staggered by how dumb I’d been.

Del appeared at the top of the stairs in an oversized shirt, splotches of paint on the front, and she smiled down at us, Smokie at her side.

“Hi, Mom,” she greeted. “Come see the walls. We painted samples. I helped.”

She had no clue the world had been shaken beneath our feet. No clue I was barely standing upright.

“Get your stuff. Okay?” I swallowed the growing quiver from my voice. “We’re going home.”

Thankfully, she skipped down the upstairs hall without a fight. When she was out of earshot, Aaron tried again. “Please stay.”

But I couldn’t. I wanted to run away and take my baby home where I could think.

“No.”

“Let me come with you.”

“No.” There was too much to process—too much to sort out—and I couldn’t do it with him around.

Del ran down the stairs, having taken off the messy shirt, and jumped off the last step into my arms.

“We need to get home. Tell Aaron goodbye and get your book bag.” I put her on the ground, but she didn’t do as she was told.

“I don’t want to go. I want to stay and help.” Her big blue eyes begged, blinking up at me. “Please, can we stay?”

Air froze in my lungs, and I was unsure if I could handle what was happening.

“I’ve got an emergency, Del,” Aaron lied.

What else had he lied about? Had it all been smoke and mirrors? What was real?

“Oh,” she relented, stalked to the kitchen, and then returned with her bag. Smokie trailed behind her. “He wants to go home with us.”

“Not tonight,” I answered and took the book bag from her, not wanting to be there any longer than I had to and knowing she would take her time putting it on. “Let’s go.”

“Bye, Aaron. Bye, Smokie. See you later,” she told them as she marched to the door.

I followed, and as I walked out I heard him say, “I’ll talk to you later.”

Funny how all my life so many big events had centered on men leaving me, and there I was, for the first time, doing the leaving.

It still felt like shit.

#

I’D RECOUNTED WHAT happened after work to Emma and Noel. Abbey had been silent almost all weekend and hadn’t been on that day either. I was worried about her but had my own shit to sort through.

Emma: That’s nuts.

Me: It was so fucked up. Chad acted like Delaney wasn’t even his.

Noel: Do you think there’s more? Is that why Aaron wanted you to stay?

God, I hoped not. I wasn’t sure if I could bear what had happened, let alone more.

Me: I have no clue, but what more could there be? And how could Chad just believe him?

Noel: He was messed up. It was probably like a Get Out of Jail Free to the selfish bastard. And who steals from a baby?

It wasn’t difficult to imagine Chad stealing, messed up, or jumping at an opportunity to leave scot-free. Toward the end, when his prescriptions weren’t enough anymore and he’d started partying day and night, there were many times I thought he’d just go.

And when he did, I’d already accepted it. 

Me: I just wanted to get Delaney out of there. Guys, he looked so freaking gross. Like he hadn’t showered in weeks. He could hardly stand up. I’m so glad she didn’t see him.

Noel: That’s crazy and so random. After all this time, he’s just there.

Me: He just wanted money.

Emma: I’m so sorry, Faith. What’s Del doing? Does she have any clue there’s anything going on?

Me: No. She’s watching a movie in my bed. She thinks Aaron is at a fire call.

Noel: What are you going to do? Has he called?

I drew my feet up to my chest on the couch and, honestly, I just wanted to cry. I read Noel’s last message, and then my eyes wandered to the icon that had been on my phone since I’d sent his call to voicemail. I wasn’t prepared to handle the notion that it might be over, and that it might be me who had to end things.

He’d gone behind my back. Could I trust him? If Chad hadn’t shown up, would he have ever told me?

It was too much to process.

Me: I have no clue what to do or say to him.

Emma: Sleep on it. Things might not seem so overwhelming in the morning.

My gut doubted her.

Just as I was bolstering the courage to listen to his voicemail, I received a text from him.

Aaron: I know you’re upset, but what about tomorrow? Did you get my message?

Tomorrow?

I tapped the speakerphone button and played the voicemail.

“Hey, I need to know you’re okay. I have a shift tomorrow but still want to pick up Delaney from school and spend time with her until your mom gets off.” He sighed and there was a long pause. “I don’t know what’s going through your head—I’m sure hundreds of things—but I meant what I said this morning. I love you.” Another pause.

My eyes burned and my throat was thick with emotion. Aaron’s voice was sincere and sweet and earnest, just like I’d always thought he was. Imagining him any other way burned me deep inside.

Had he been playing me all along? And for what?

Finally, after a few more seconds, he repeated, “I love you and Delaney. Please talk to me.”

Delaney loved him too, but I wasn’t only making decisions on behalf of my heart, I had to keep hers in mind. More than that really—I had to put hers first.

After listening to his message, three, maybe four times, I sent him my answer.

Me: I’ll have Mom pick her up from school tomorrow.

If there was a chance Chad would show up at Aaron’s again, I didn’t want her there. Before I climbed into bed, I checked that all the doors and windows were locked tight.