FAITH

It was a shitty night and it matched my shitty mood. A flat tire and a busy Saturday shift. I was hungry, tired, and bummed the fuck out. My newfound excitement and optimism were nowhere to be found.

The bar was asshole to elbow and the ladies at the end of the bar were basically inhaling margaritas. The three of them had already ordered three each in less than an hour. So to save time, I made them a pitcher, topped their glasses, and took their money while they laughed at a story one of them was telling.

At least someone was having a good night.

I checked the door for the thirtieth time and then stomped to the back for another bottle of Triple Sec since I’d used the last one on the Tequila Triplets.

On the way back I met Sally, carrying a case of beer in each hand.

“Again, I’m really sorry I was late.” Only by about an hour, but I felt like shit. The bar was busy when I got here, and Sally had been running her ass off.

“Faith, I’m not mad. Shit happens. Can you get that door?” She shifted the weight of one of the cases she held. As fast as I could, I reached for the liqueur I’d come in there for and then helped Sally get through. I followed close behind her.

“I should have had those tires replaced by now. It was my fault.” Honestly, blowing a tire like I had was scary. I was relieved Delaney hadn’t been with me, instead at home with Mom. I hadn’t been going fast, but I’d barely kept enough control of it to pull it off the road.

I didn’t even want to think about how it could have been worse. I should’ve just taken money out of Delaney’s account to get new tires, and now I would. The blow-out had scared me, and I couldn’t risk her safety. Tires weren’t a luxury, they were necessary and worth dipping into her money ... after I shopped around to make sure I got the best price.

I switched the caps on the Triple Sec bottles and tossed the old one in the trash. Trying to help, I grabbed the case of Coors Sally brought out and filled the empty spot in the cooler.

She blew the hair out of her face as she bent to snatch a few more Bud Lights. “You’re being too hard on yourself. I was fine here, and I’ve driven on bald tires before myself. Everyone has. You’re doing the best you can.”

Was I?

“Thanks. Doesn’t always feel like that.”

She grabbed my arm and gently squeezed. “You’re a mom. It’s never going to feel like you’ve got your shit together. Ever. Every mom. Rich. Poor. Stay at home. Working full-time. Single parent. Happily married. They all feel like they could do better.”

I swallowed and looked at the ceiling, pulling a deep breath in to help tighten the hold on the emotions welling up inside me. Sally struck a chord. I took a second to collect my shit and she let go.

When the bell above the door rang again, my eyes darted to it.

Great, just Bruce.

After ten-thirty, I didn’t hold out much hope that Aaron was going to show. It had been one of those days, and, thankfully, it was almost over. At least he wouldn’t see me in the mood I was in, which would have surely sent him running for the hills.

In a few hours, I’d be home, in bed, and passed out. Tomorrow would be another day—a Sunday—which wasn’t really a day off, but hopefully slower and easier to manage. Plus, I had a Skype date with my girls to talk about nothing much, have a few drinks, and they were going to help me with my resume and application.

I just had to get through the next few hours.

“Faith, can I get another Coors?”

The question knocked me out of my head. I’d been standing there drying the same glass for minutes on end since things had finally calmed down.

“Sure, Tommy.” I offered a half-hearted smile because it was possible he’d asked me more than once. I lifted one out of the cooler, popped the top off, and strode down the bar to pass it to him.

“Thanks.” He tapped the pile of cash beside his last bottle. I pulled three singles from the stack, turned around to ring up the beer, and then put the cash in the drawer. Before I went back to my glasses and spacing out, I tossed his empty.

“You’re welcome.” Again, my eye went to the door.

“Waiting on someone?” he asked, wiping his mouth.

“Uh, no. Well, just Dean.” Lies. I was waiting for Aaron. “He’s bringing my car up here. I had some trouble earlier.”

Honestly, to hell with that damn car.

Tommy went back to watching the cop show on TV, and I went back to slinging drinks and doing my job. Eventually, the crowd thinned even more and things got slow. After I took the trash out, stocked the rest of the coolers, and wiped off the empty tables, I headed to my tip jar to count out my cash. Sally liked it when I left the smaller bills so she didn’t have to run to the bank for change all the time.

“Why don’t you kick out a little early,” she offered. “It’s dying down in here, and you need to go home and relax.” Sally wasn’t known for being cuddly-sweet. In fact, most people thought she was kind of a bitch at times, but when you run a bar you have to wear thick skin, and she wore hers proudly.

“Are you sure?” I didn’t have the strength to argue with her and I wouldn’t win anyway.

“I can run this bar in my sleep. Go.”

The sound of someone coming in had my head whipping around at break-neck speed, but again it wasn’t him. Instead, it was a young couple and they headed straight for the pool table.

Without another thought, I yanked my purse from under the bar and stuck my folded cash inside. “Okay. I appreciate it. Text me tomorrow with the nights you need me this week.”

“I will. Get some rest.” She held a frosty mug under the tap and poured a perfect draught.

I waved to Tommy and a few others as I passed them on my way out.

Hopefully, my car was outside, but the bar wasn’t far from my house. It wasn’t the end of the world if I didn’t have it that night. I just prayed O’Fallon’s had a tire that would work. Checking the road for my Sonata, I swiftly realized it wasn’t there, but then I saw Aaron’s truck coming down the street.

I was half-happy to finally see him coming my way, and half-fearful that as soon as he got one look at me he’d turn the fuck around.

I wondered if he’d been caught up at the station or something.

He pulled into an empty spot along the main street and stopped beside me on the sidewalk. The passenger window was already down and I peeked inside. One look at him and most of the day’s troubles faded away.

“I didn’t think I’d see you tonight.”

He scratched his shoulder and leaned over the bench seat to talk so he didn’t have to shout over the rumble of his still running engine. “Sorry I’m late.”

I shrugged. “You’re not.”

Sometimes when I spoke to him, his eyes would crinkle on the sides while he listened. Almost a squint, but not quite. Like he was humoring me or trying to hear something I wasn’t saying out loud.

“Let me drive you home.”

“How do you know I need a ride?”

He glanced around and shrugged his broad shoulders, being clever. “I don’t see your car.” The door creaked as he opened the passenger side and shoved it open from the inside.

I got in and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

The wind blew air through his truck and his scent filled the warm night air around me. That smell, him in his truck, had memories attached to it. The clean hint of Armor All and the blue cardboard pine tree that swung from his rearview mirror, brought me back to the last time I’d been inside the old pickup.

The night before he left.

#

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

“Are you really not going to talk to me?” Aaron asked.

We were parked in front of my house, but all I could do was stare out the window and focus on the porch light. For the moment, it felt like I could hold it together if I just didn’t look at him.

I picked at the frayed edge of my jean shorts. “Are you still leaving tomorrow?” I countered like the brat I was.

“You know I am. I have to.” His tone was gentle, but his answer was harsh and it angered me more and more every time I heard it.

He had to? No. He chose to.

His voice was thick and heavy in the air when he spoke. “This spring went fast, didn’t it?” In the long seat we shared in the cab of his truck, he adjusted himself so he could face me. “This isn’t easy for me either, Fay.”

Why’d he have to call me that?

It seemed easy enough for him. He wouldn’t kiss me. Wouldn’t touch me. We spent every free minute with each other, but he never crossed the line and never let me do it either.  The friends to more-than-friends boundary never got crossed. 

Well, never crossed it physically. Our words flew past it all the time.

I’d held out hope that maybe, before he left, he’d change his mind and at least kiss me. Although, I’d give all that up if he’d just stay.

I couldn’t say much or my voice would crack and I’d sound like a child.

“We could have been together all this time.” I breathed through my nose, surprised how unwavering my words actually came out. “We could be together now. I’ll wait for you. You’ll visit. Aaron, I...” My true feelings surfaced, but I stopped before they broke free.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

That was it, the moment I’d been dreading. This was goodbye.

His eyes locked on mine.

God, I was going to miss him, and a growing ache accompanied each beat of my heart.

“I won’t do that to you. You still have two years of high school and then you’ll go to college. You’ll have fun.” His nostrils flared and he ground his teeth. “I won’t tie you down. Not to this town and not to me. You deserve more.”

Angry tears spilled their banks and my forehead hurt from the tension of my rutted brow. Like a child, like the baby I was, I argued. “I’ll never want anything more than you.”

“I hope that’s true.”

I needed something to hold on to. “Say we’re forever. Say, at the end of all this, we’ll be together.”

He sat back and looked at the metal roof. “I can’t. I don’t know.”

“Dammit, then at least say you want it too.”

Slowly, he said what I wanted to hear. “I want it.”

In all the times I tried to get him to kiss me, I’d never needed it more than that second. One last time, I brought my fingers to my lips and gestured for what I wanted.

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, and I thought I’d finally won, but I was wrong. His hand rose and his cheek turned as he patted it. He didn’t even look at me when he said, “Our first kiss can’t be goodbye.”

I got out of his truck, slammed the door, and cried for three days straight, and he left.