FAITH

Delaney’s face was priceless. Aaron had hugged her before, but he’d never kissed her, and I don’t think he really even thought about it when he did it. I knew firsthand how special it felt, but watching her experience that sliver of affection from someone other than me or my mom, was everything. Kind of like she just out of the blue realized that he really cared for her.

And my baby girl lit right up.

“What do you think about that, Del?” I asked, not even attempting to hide the joy on my face.

She laughed and blushed and covered her mouth with her tiny palm. “Oh my gosh. First Smokie kissing me and now Aaron too.” She squealed. “I love them, Mom.”

Delaney was four and she loved lots of things, but my heart pinched. “You do?”

She scowled at me like I was a moron. “Um, yeah.”

I played the devil’s advocate and investigated deeper. “How do you know you love them?”

She rolled her blue eyes as I wrapped an elastic band around the second braided pigtail. “I just do. When I love something I just love it.” Her braids swayed as she explained her watertight logic, like only a kid can.

Suddenly I realized, if I didn’t do something fast—like right that second—I was going to rob both Delaney and Aaron of a moment.

I blurted, “Can you hop down on your own?”

“Yeah,” she answered, but I didn’t hang around to see her do it.

I ran toward the living room, hoping to catch him before he was gone.

Before the memory was made and stolen away.

“Aaron,” I shouted as I busted through the front door. “Stop.”

He’d been parked behind me and was backing out. The boxy red pickup jolted when he hit the brakes and put it in park. His attentive chin tipped up to listen to me speak.

“Do you want to go with me to drop off Del?”

Sure, it would have been nice to have someone to help with a few first day pictures, but my heart was really thinking something else. In the future, it may have been one of those moments she’d miss not sharing with him, and him with her. If it were up to me, neither of them would have to deal with that loss.

In that moment, it was strange looking out for two people instead of just one, but obviously it was possible to do just that.

“Like to school?” he inquired.

Through the open truck window, I soaked up the marveled expression as it crept onto his handsome face and it caught my fluttering heart in a butterfly net.

Aaron contended when I didn’t answer. “Are you sure?” His pickup idled in the drive.

I didn’t have pictures or memories with a dad who wanted to share life events with me. My father never cared that much, never knew me. No longer did any of that matter. I was in love with a man who might be that for her, according to his master plan of steps, and I wanted it for her more than anything. If a side effect of that was that man by our side, then who was I to complain?

He was there, goddammit.

“Yeah, then you can run me back here so I can get my car and go to work. No pressure, but if you want to...” There I went again, giving him an out that I didn’t want him to take. It was immature, and I shifted, annoyed with myself, and then straightened and owned my shit. “We want you to.” I spoke for her because I’m her mom and sometimes moms really do know best.

“I’ve got her new seat in here already.” His door creaked when he swung it open and hopped out. “Come on, Smokie. You’re riding in back, boy.”

Since that was settled, I went back inside and found Delaney putting on her flats without being asked to.

“Aaron’s going with us, and we’re taking the truck to school.”

She loved riding in the old GMC, which was possibly just another trait she inherited from me. Or maybe she liked how she got to sit up high, between us, instead of in the back alone. That was my guess. Either way, the news contorted her face and her jaw hung open, but there wasn’t time to celebrate.

“Mom, get your shoes on. I don’t want to be late.”

There wasn’t anything like my four-year-old’s agenda to knock me back into reality, and with first day pictures on my mind, a few extra minutes would be good. After both of us had our bags and our shoes were on the right feet, we were ready to tackle the world.

Aaron jumped out and let her climb in on his side and I rounded the front, watching them through the windshield.

I’d been infatuated with that man for a bigger chunk of my life than not, and Delaney was my life, so watching them have a moment, an embrace, watching their relationship grow, blew me away every time.

As we rode through town, with Smokie in the bed, Aaron and Delaney talked about what they were doing that afternoon. Apparently, he had some project at his house he thought she’d be good at helping him with. He leaned forward and met my curious, laser gaze. He hadn’t mentioned a new project at his house, but I liked how equally excited they were.

There were vehicles lined up near the doors at the back of the school where the kindergarten and Pre-K classes were, but luckily a spot opened up as we drove down the lane. Without saying anything, Aaron pulled into it and turned off the engine.

“Are you ready for this?” he asked her.

Delaney took everything in, checking out the other kids headed up the sidewalk to the doors.

“Yeah. I’m ready. There’s Sophie. Look, Mom.” She fumbled with her seatbelt, too distracted. Aaron pressed the button for her and she quickly climbed out on my side where I waited.

“You be polite and friendly today, okay? Remember your pleases and thank yous, and raise your hand if you need help.” My arms wrapped around her in a hug and I lifted her out of the cab.

Aaron grabbed her book bag from the back of the truck and walked it around to us, a smile as wide as the Grand Canyon on his handsome face, his blue eyes glistening like crisp rushing water.

“Do you mind taking a picture of us?” I asked, passing my phone to him.

“Sure.” He pulled his phone out too and held them both up to snap pictures.

Kneeling down, I snuck my arm around the coolest kid at Wynne Elementary.

“Cheese,” Delaney recited.

He must have taken four or five, and other parents were doing the same thing so I didn’t feel weird about it. I planted big fat, both-hands-on-the-cheeks, mom kisses all over her while she squirmed to get away.

“No. You let me love you.” I giggled and smothered her with love.

“Now one with Smokie, Mom.”

Delaney was too short to reach where Smokie’s head was leaning out of the back, so Aaron passed my phone back and swept her up. Her braids swayed as she leaned over beside the oversized black and white furry head. “Cheese.”

I snapped a few of Del and Smokie, but then I caught his eye.

“Let me get you two.”

Delaney abandoned the dog and her arm snaked around Aaron’s neck, her tiny fingers on his shoulder, holding onto him. He beamed at her and then returned his attention to me. 

“Cheese,” he sang first and Delaney giggled like it was the funniest joke ever told. 

My heart swelled and gathered higher in my chest. The moment was priceless and worth everything to me, to her, and apparently to him too.

“I’ll see you later,” he said to Delaney and placed her on the ground, and we both waited as she, same as always, went through the routine of getting her backpack on just right.

“Be right back. I’m going to walk her in.”

Aaron nodded and leaned against the truck bed, giving Smokie a scratch behind the ear. An undeniable feeling nestled inside me and took up shop.

The future was wide-open and felt full of only good things.

By the time Delaney and I reached the double doors, Belinda Roberts busted through them, crying like she’d just handed her baby over to a legion of demons. Trust me, I felt some serious emotions—I did—but Delaney only looked excited and eager to go, and I couldn’t spoil it for her with my weepy, sentimental mommy agenda.

It was time to buck-up for her because it counted.

I glanced down to my right and found two huge blue eyes blinking up at me, looking for reassurance and, for the first time that morning, she appeared apprehensive.

“You’re going to have fun, baby. Sometimes people cry when they’re happy.”

She scowled, not accepting my bullshit, as she trotted into the building. I didn’t worry though, I knew she was going to love it and for some reason, I just had this sense that everything, like everything, in my life, for once, was fine.

It was one of those rare moments when I didn’t have to worry, didn’t have to troubleshoot my way through the grind. I couldn’t give Aaron all the credit because he wouldn’t take it anyway, but he was making my life better. Scratch that. He made our lives better, just by being there.

So that morning, after we dropped the Madame off for her first day of preschool, I was going to tell him how I felt. Walking back to his truck, catching him waiting on me, I had no doubts.

His chin was positioned on his fist, eyes fixed on the entrance to the school, sitting coolly in the cab. One side of his mouth lifted into a grin as I got nearer.

I’d never in my whole life forget that morning.

There’d been too many milestones, too many times I would’ve loved to screen capture the minute in time. If that was a thing, anyway.

However, just because I was excited to tell him didn’t mean that it wasn’t startling too. I was sure I could say it, sure it was the truth, but I was unsure if he’d say it back. If he didn’t, it would plain suck. 

Either way, Aaron deserved to know, and I was desperate to know if he loved me too. He hadn’t said it, but, as embarrassing as it was to admit, I fantasized about him telling me all the time.

I’d wondered many things. Would he be the one to say it first? Would it be on the phone or in a text? At night or before we went our separate ways each morning? Would it just plop out, or would he get quiet, like he sometimes did, and say it like he’d rehearsed it for hours? Would he absentmindedly confess it to me late one night, drugged buy the heat of the moment and our bodies?

No. Because I climbed into the pickup, pulled the door shut, and I let all those questions go, freely.

Aaron put the truck in reverse and slid his hand over the back of the seat as he looked behind us. “How was she?” he asked and gave the nape of my neck a tender squeeze before he shifted into drive.

“She’s happy.”

He nodded, turned down Bridge Street, and glanced at me when he spoke. “How are you doing?”

The booster seat between us caught my attention. My kid’s seat in Aaron’s truck. Who would have ever thought? It was odd and wonderful and laughably in the way. “I’m happy too.”

He slowed to a stop at the sign beside the firehouse and waited for the car to our left to go first. He looked right, then left, and then right again.

I found the words I wanted to hear so bad were dancing on my lips. In the long run it would never matter who’d said it first. Might as well be me.