Katy
We've been talking all night.
I'm sore and I need a break.
If Marcus's intention was to take my mind off the bomb scare, he certainly did that. He made sure to thoroughly saturate my senses so that I couldn't think of anything except for the splendid orgasmic high he was giving me.
He's the most sexual man I've ever known. He's the most responsible and in control man I've ever known. Compared to him, my life looks like a mess.
He seems to have it all together. He's always so on point. Everything he does, every word he says, has meaning.
And I'm the girl, the hacker, who got herself into trouble. And he had to come rescue me.
I've never had anybody care about me enough to come rescue me.
I lie next to him in the dark of early morning, right before the sun even shines. I know he's sleeping, but I'm wide awake.
The truth of my life is what keeps me up. While I may not be an upstanding citizen like Marcus, I usually have things more in control than this. Somehow I got myself involved with a corrupt and covert group.
I know that I can't keep letting the guilt eat me alive, but it's pretty hard not to when lives were almost lost. I have to think about things and to think about the direction in which my life is heading.
I clench the sheets around my naked body and stare out the window at the flickering lights. The city never sleeps. And apparently, neither do I.
What's really making me confused are my feelings for Marcus. I've never let anyone, much less a guy, into my life this much. I had planned on leaving him forever. My days are usually spent on the run from anyone or anything because of the nature of my work.
But Marcus is different. He was there when I needed him. And even though I know I should hold back and keep myself protected, I can't help but feel things for him.
And who knows? I might be out on a limb by myself with these feelings. He and I have sex, a lot, but we never talk about it afterward. For all I know, I am just another woman to him, another fling.
What's keeping me awake tonight is the fact that I know my feelings for him are deeper than that.
I run these things over in my mind over and over again. Then Marcus clutches me by the stomach and turns me over to have sex again.
I have to stop him. I push on his shoulders to get him off of me.
"Why?" he asks. "What's wrong, baby?"
I lean over and turn on the little IKEA lamp I have in my room. He squints at the brightness.
"Marcus, we have to talk."
He checks his phone for the time. "At 4:35 in the morning?"
"Yes. It's important."
As much as I'm shy and would like to avoid confrontation, I know these things need to be said. I have to talk to Marcus about what's going on.
"All we do is have sex," I say, wondering if that's the best way to begin this conversation or not.
He rubs his eyes and tries to wake up. I curl into a side and hold his chiseled abs for reassurance.
"Your point?" he says groggily.
"My point is…" I hesitate to answer. "I'm beginning to like you...more than I should."
A smile spreads across his face, and I'm glad that I have at least this reaction to work with.
"I like you, Marcus, and I don't know if you like me, too. Maybe this is just sex to you, and if that's all it is, then that's fine. But I just had to get my feelings out there," I say.
"You like me, huh?" he says teasingly. "Well, Katy, I've got news for you. I like you too. I more than like you. I care about you. Do you think I'd be here if I didn't? I don't do that very often."
"I thought it was just about sex."
"The sex is amazing, Katy. But it's amazing because I'm invested in you." His words make me feel warm inside.
I feel very nervous now because I know I have to explain that the difference between our two worlds might be too big of a gap to bridge. How can we connect on anything when we're so different? How can I possibly share my covert life with anyone? I’m unrelatable.
"Marcus, I have reservations because our worlds are so disparate. We have absolutely nothing in common. You know that I'm a hacker. I have nothing to offer you. I'm definitely not used to letting people in. In fact, my usual course of action is to run, far away from anything that might be permanent. I've been alone in my life for so long that I'm not really used to having a person be with me. Can you understand that?"
He takes a second to consider my words. And he wraps his large, strong arms around me from behind. We're cuddling naked, and it feels so good, it feels like home.
But I have to question myself on that. I trusted the people in my chat room after all. I considered them to be like a family.
I guess that shows how desperate I am to have some sort of true connection with another person.
"It's okay, baby. We can take this slow. There is no reason to rush. And I promise it'll all work out," he says.
His words soothe my aching soul, and I'm able to fall fast asleep in his arms.