Rebecca
The sky is bleak.
Staring out the window, I can’t help but notice what a dreary fucking day it is. The usual charming fog that dances among the rolling hills is nowhere to be seen.
It’s just dull. Bleak and fucking dull.
The same as everywhere else in the fucking world.
Yeah, this is what happens when I get mixed up in these fucking situations. I end up feeling fucking sorry for myself.
And I shouldn’t. I should be angry at myself instead—angry for getting into a fucking situation like this now.
And I’m way behind on my project, too. But at least I have something to try and occupy my time.
It’s better to just throw myself into my work and forget about everything else. That’s what I came here for in the first place, right?
To get away from my past. To start anew.
Maybe that’s still possible.
I look down at my easel.
The illustrations are finally coming together now that I’ve decided the exact direction I want to take.
They’re sophisticated and filled with color and vivid details, yet they fit the storyline so perfectly.
Animals and landscapes form beneath my very fingers as they flit across the pages, bringing the author’s words into impressionistic pictures.
One catches my eye though, and I don’t even realize it until the illustration’s nearly complete.
That vase, those flowers. They look so much like the ones...the flowers on his nightstand.
That thought alone makes me want to scrap the drawing, even if it’s part of the story.
How did I end up here?
I unthinkingly run my hand over my belly.
Maybe I should just—
Brrinnnggg!
My mobile phone’s shrill ring snaps me out of my thoughts.
That’s a bit of a rarity—it could only be someone from back home.
Friends, family—none of them have bothered to contact me much since I got here.
I have a feeling I know who’s calling me now.
A quick glance at the caller ID confirms my suspicions, and I actually find myself smiling as I press the answer button.
“Stephanie, hi.”
“Hi, Becca!”
It’s so nice to hear her cheerful voice again, and I can’t help but smile even wider at the melodic greeting.
“How are you?” I put down my pencil and head to the kitchen to make some tea.
“I’m good! I’m just setting up for my early morning yoga class and figured I’d check in on my bestie. How’s life? How’s Ireland?”
“Well, you might want to sit down.”
“That bad?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Might as well just rip off the Band-Aid.
I can hear the sharp inhale on the other end, and I know I’ve just about knocked Stephanie’s socks off with this big bombshell.
“Well, looks like you’ve been having more fun than I gave you credit for!” She lets out a low whistle before laughing. It’s so bubbly and cheerful that I can’t help but chuckle along with her. “So you found yourself an Irish hottie, then!”
I grab the kettle off the stove as it begins to steam.
“Yeah, something like that,” I say nonchalantly, pouring the water into my teacup and steeping a teabag.
“Well, I’ve got a few minutes before class starts. Fill me in.”
“It’s quite the long story.”
“Cliff notes, then.”
“Okay…” I sigh. “You remember that guy I told you about a few years ago? The one I met here in Ireland at a conference?”
“The conference where you swiped your V-card? You mean the guy you swiped it with?”
“That’s the one. Killian.”
“Oooh, so you reconnected? A stroke of fate. Luck of the Irish, huh?”
“Sure.” I nod and take a sip of tea, letting the bold Assam flavor coat my tongue before swallowing. “I’ll spare you the long-winded bullshit, but basically he wanted an extension for his book deadline, and I thought it a good idea to say ‘the hell with men’ and focus on becoming a mother.”
Now that I’ve said it out loud, it definitely sounds crazy.
What in the world were we thinking?
“So, it’s definitely his?”
Coming from anyone else, I might be offended, but Stephanie would never ask something like that out of judgment.
“Without a doubt.”
“And you’re definitely pregnant?”
“Yep. I picked up a test from the only drug store we have here in town. So you know what that means…”
“Everyone knows how much fun you’re having!” Stephanie erupts in a fit of laughter.
The one beautiful thing about talking to her is that she always lifts my spirits. Today is no exception, and her call couldn’t have come at a better time.
She makes me miss home, and I long for one of our coffee dates at the cafe down the street from her house.
“But seriously, congratulations.”
“Yeah…”
“Sooo, correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t exactly sound thrilled.”
“It’s a big mess, Steph. Things were great in the beginning. The plan was to keep it simple. Satiate our desire while enjoying each other. Totally non-committal. And it was amazing.”
“So what changed?”
“I dunno. Probably me getting knocked up.” I sigh. “The other day, we just had this weird falling out and haven’t spoken to each other since. What was simple became complicated at the drop of a hat.”
“Having a baby tends to complicate relationships, no matter how simple you try to keep things.”
“You can say that again.” I let out a dry chuckle. “Coming here was supposed to get me away from the drama, and I just walked into a whole ’nother shit storm. Truth be told, I’m not sure I want to have a baby with Killian. Hell, I don’t know who I would want to have a baby with, if anyone.”
That’s the God’s honest truth. Right now, I’m just focused on taking care of the two of us. How things will fare from here on out remains to be seen.
Maybe that’s what I really came to Ireland for, in a way. To complete a part of myself that was missing.
To find something, which, for whatever reason, I could only find here.
Of course, there’s bullshit attached like there would be anywhere, but…maybe it’s the type of bullshit that all parties involved can forget about.
I’m feeling like forgetting is the best course of action for me at this point, but it’s not fucking happening yet.
There was already one shit show I was dealing with thousands of miles away.
Now here I am, dealing with some other shit.
My silence must be deafening, or Stephanie’s reading my mind.
“Hey…I know it seems like things are down and out right now but let me tell you. Babies change everything. Whether things work out between you and Killian or not, that baby is going to change your life. So put your focus there for now, and the rest will fall where it falls.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks.”
“I mean it. I’ve had my fair share of difficulties, and I’m married. It’s not all fun and games, and just because things aren’t going the way you want right now doesn’t mean they won’t work out.”
She’s totally right, as usual. But at the moment, I’m just having a hard time believing that they will ever work out.
“Yeah, I dunno…I guess time will tell.”
“Be patient, love. Class is about to start, so I have to go. But feel free to call me anytime. I mean it.”
“I will, thanks.”
Patience, huh? It’s easy for her to say. But at this rate, I just really don’t know what’s going to happen.
“It’s just you and me, little one.” I rest my hand on my belly once more.