Macy
I have to give him an A for effort.
If I didn’t have my guard up, there’s a chance his charm would really get to me. Although he must be trying, he projects an effortlessness about it.
As anyone who’s ever felt even a hint of self-consciousness probably knows, that shit’s not easy.
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” He’s smiling without effort now, for example. This is also the fourth time he’s said that fucking line in the last hour.
“Shut it with that.”
There’s that laugh again. It sounds so genuine, but to me, it just confirms the effort involved.
“This isn’t Jaws, Macy. You don’t need to be scared of this water.”
“Excuse me? I’m not scared. You’re scared. You’re trying to reassure yourself.”
“Hey, wouldn’t that be a twist? The handsome, easy-going guy enjoying a laugh and trying to reassure his terrified bride...”
“I’m not y...I’m not terrified.”
The way he breaks out into laughter makes me feel like I said something genuinely funny. I wasn’t trying to, but, it kind of makes me feel good.
You know, because laughter is one of the things that makes us human. Go watch Quest for Fire if you don’t believe me.
“Has anyone who’s ever said, ‘I’m not terrified’ actually not been terrified?”
“You know what? I am terrified, terrified of the idea of staying with you forever. I don’t know what I was thinking there.”
I keep our secret—that I’ll be flying back to New York in a few days, never to see my fake-husband again.
“Macy, I’d just like to mention—and no, I’m not accusing you of being scared or anything—but I just thought you might want to know that coconuts kill more people than sharks every year.”
An even deeper secret is that, in some ways, if Aaron comes back with me, he’d make better company than some of my NYU classmates—especially the dudes most interested in hanging out with me all the time.
But there’s no way that fucking coconut thing is real. “The deadly coconut, huh? Care to furnish some proof of that? Because this honeymoon’s been stressful, and I’m not in the mood to laugh.”
He shakes his head as it occurs to me that we’re not just walking together—we’re walking slowly along the sand together.
Barf.
“No jokes here, Macy. I’ll show you, it’s in the brochure, the one that advertises the shark swim.”
Because I feel like I’m going to have to challenge some logic on this very soon, I actually fucking think about it for a second. How do they even gather these statistics?
How is a coconut killing officially recorded? If somebody drowns in a coconut while trying to drink its milk or whatever the fuck happens, what would the cause of death be?
Drowning, naturally.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Aaron. You expect me to believe that there’s some organization investigating deaths throughout the world, trying to determine if there’s a special coconut nature to them?”
“Hey, do me a favor, will ya, wifey?” Nope. Not even acknowledging that one.
“Don’t go sitting under any coconut trees, okay?”
“So, that’s your big kicker? More people get killed by falling coconuts than sharks?”
Aaron shrugs.
“The point is that sharks are statistically harmless, they kill four people a year—while people...well, we’re a lot worse than sharks, I can tell you that.”
Aaron’s face drops in a way I wasn’t expecting.
His eyes inspire a sudden slew of feelings I don’t entirely understand.
The first thing I think to myself when I see his face is oh, poor sharks, which is a new sentiment for me—although I’m sure he has a very valid point about that.
But the notion that soon takes over is that, for the first time since I’ve been in St. Maarten, the tall, handsome figure taking up a part of my vision isn’t simply Aaron the Annoying, here to make spring break a living hell.
No, this time it’s just Aaron, a human being, and he’s making himself known for just a brief yet shining moment through the faint traces of sadness, angst, earnestness, and underlying hope in his eyes.
But as I notice that we’ve stopped and we’re near the boat, ready to take us on this insane fucking escapade—I can see the human in Aaron’s eyes retreating as his usual self resurfaces.
“Ready, Macy? They’re waiting for us.”
Fuck.
I follow Aaron towards the departure point, searching my brain for half-believable excuses to stay ashore.
Another secret I’m keeping to myself for the time being: I’m not loving the idea of this activity, though I’m not sure why.
Coconut, think coconut, I tell myself like a mantra, trying to slow my suddenly swift heart rate.
It’s silly, really, and I can’t explain where this fear is coming from, but it’s definitely trying to take over.
Aaron looks as unfazed as expected.
He fits me with the oxygen tank and mask with the ease of a veteran fucking scuba instructor.
“Now remember, there’s nothing to worry about.”
His face is inches from mine as he speaks to me.
I nod. The lump in the back of my throat seems to be growing.
Coconut. Coconut. Coconut.
I barely notice the short, bearded man talking to us from ten feet away, giving us a safety speech about breathing and releasing pressure.
I watched the instructions on my phone earlier. The resort had sent me a video.
I’m trying to remember it as best as I can while I follow the bearded man in the white sweatshirt onto a small speedboat, boarding solemnly with Aaron behind me.
I start at the sound of the motor and feel my stomach seize as we move further away from land.
Five minutes later, when the driver cuts the engine, I don’t feel any better at all. I feel like a zombie, paralyzed with anxiety as I stand up with Aaron.
“On three, we’ll hit the water,” he says and holds up his fingers as we take position at the edge of the boat. “One…two…three!”
With an almighty splash, I enter the coolness of the ocean. For the second or so it takes, it feels like I’m plunging into an alien planet. I look around me to try and find Aaron.
He seems to be diving into the deeper area of the water already.
With a big kick, I dive downward.
Instantly, all sound is turned off. It’s almost as if someone pressed the mute button to life. It’s so still.
I look around.
Aaron may have said this isn’t Jaws, but the theme music’s playing in my head.
Not just those piano notes, I’m talking about when the cellos and trombones kick in—to me, that’s the scariest fucking part right there.
To distract myself, I focus on Aaron’s muscular, chiseled back. He’s swimming slightly ahead of me, giving me a perfect view of his entire physique,
How would it feel to run my hands along his spine, to caress his shoulders, and massage and knead his ass?
I bet John Williams could compose a pretty good score for that.
I see him stop and turn around.
He seems to know how comical those goggles make him look, but he gives me a thumbs-up.
I return the gesture.
So far, so good.
It might be nice to see a shark. From a decent distance, of course.
I mean, for the shark’s sake. I’m sure they’re scared of humans.
For some reason, Aaron is making odd little circular movements with his hands in the water. It takes me a while to realize he’s trying to tell me to do something.
Am I supposed to stop? And then what?
There he goes again, twirling his hands around.
And now he’s got his whole body spinning.
My brain finally catches up and I spin around my own axis.
There it is, a hundred and eighty degrees exactly.
How long has it been there, staring at me?
I just stare back. I’m not going to scream or anything. Fuck th...
Oh, never mind.
That has to be my own shrill fucking scream I’m hearing, and that’s definitely my own panic I’m feeling.
What the fuck? It’s right there, with two big eyes and a very wide mouth.
In almost slow motion, the wide mouth opens.
I’ve seen enough, and frantically move my arms and legs to get away from this man-eating creature.
Statistics about coconut and sharks have totally gone out the window. I’m the fucking coconut now, and this shark’s hungry for some saturated fats.
Trying to flail backwards, away from this man-eater’s maw as it continues to open, I bump into something behind me.
Yes, swim with sharks, jump right into their territory so they can work together to tear you apart.
I flail harder, kicking and twisting, but it’s no use; it feels like the water itself is not letting me move.
That giant, white shark, its mouth still in the very beginning stages of trying to open, is now inching even closer.
I guess this is it. I guess I’m one of the lucky four, or maybe it’ll be five, this year.
It’s all happening so slowly, but that might be time slowing down as I enter my final moments.
I try to leave my mind blank, but odd thoughts keep popping up.
Like NYU better name a building after me. On West Fourth Street.
Or, better yet, Washington Square North.
Cara better have the amazing life that she deserves, and not think for a second more of this is in any way...
I’m suddenly moving again in the water, spinning, but I don’t see any more sharks. As my spinning stops, all I see are Aaron’s eyes.
Out of pure happiness at being alive, I lunge myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck, with my legs following suit.
He’s trying to say something.
It’s probably about coconuts or some shit.
Now he’s pointing, and I slowly turn my head as my gaze follows his finger.
The huge shark seems to take great delight in staying close to us.
To my utter horror, Aaron moves toward it…him…or her.
My grip tightens around Aaron.
He seems totally relaxed.
His hand extends and strokes the creature’s nose.
Now the shark opens his mouth, and I reel back in horror, only to find I’m staring into a mouthful of—gums.
This creature has no teeth.
Aaron seems to be enjoying himself and keeps rubbing the tip of its nose. Then the shark turns around and presents his belly for Aaron to rub.
Aaron the Shark Whisperer obliges, petting the tummy of the imposing creature.
When we emerge again, I can still feel my heart racing in my chest. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time.
“You okay?” Aaron emerges next to me, grinning warmly.
“You’re quite the wildlife expert, aren’t you?”
“Nah,” he waves his hand in a dismissive fashion. “I read about this old shark that you see if you go diving here. He’s called Harpo and has no teeth. I think he’s so old they’ve fallen out.”
It doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Teeth or no teeth, there’s something primordial that kicks in when you’re close to an apex predator of that size—so sue me.”
“Apex predator? Pfft. Coconuts are deadlier.”
The exhilaration of surviving is almost enough for me to let Aaron have this one—almost.
“It’s an urban legend, hubby, let it g...wait, did you say the shark’s name is Harpo?”
“Yeah. Is that strange?”
“Kind of. Why would someone name a shark Harpo?”
Aaron shrugs. “You can’t name him Gummo, can you? I mean it’d be too fucking obvious.”
I take a deep breath.
Here comes the really hard part.
“Thank you” I say. And I mean it, too. Okay?
“For what?”
“For not making fun of me for my freak out.”
“I wouldn’t do that, Mace-face. You know why?”
With another sigh, I decide to indulge him this time.
“Why?”
“Because if we run into any coconuts while we’re here, I will let out an earsplitting scream that would put yours to shame. If that happens—and it probably will—I’ll expect the same courtesy from you.”
“Oh, I bet I could get some fresh coconuts sent up to the suite this afternoon.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“We’ll see.”
I make sure that Aaron can’t see my smile as I swim back towards the boat.