ONE
The atmosphere in Layla’s bedroom had never been so thick with tension, and the silence between her and Quin had never stretched on so long. They’d barely spoken since they went to bed, staying quiet through three feedings and mumbling short answers to short questions during their first breakfast of the new year.
Benzio didn’t seem to notice their solemn attitudes, and Layla preferred it that way, so after helping him clean up his breakfast mess, she sent him and Arabella outside to play with Alana.
Even though Quin remained uncharacteristically somber, his love and affection couldn’t be stifled, so he gave Layla a lingering kiss before heading for the bathroom to take a shower.
The triplets had been nursed and dressed and were in good spirits, so Layla toted them with her to the library. After laying them on a blanket with a pile of plush toys, she sat on the floor beside them and summoned the letters she’d been writing, along with two blank pieces of paper.
She set aside one blank sheet while laying the other on the coffee table. Then her vision blurred as she hovered a pen over the top line. Following a ragged breath, she blinked away tears and wrote Quin’s name.
Every word of the letter twisted a dagger in her aching heart, and her stomach clenched with guilt as her eyelids burned. Fearing she might not get the chance to finish, she started with the most urgent sentiments, and by the time she’d written three paragraphs, she felt as if she’d been mourning for hours.
She rubbed her eyes, lacking the energy and time to continue. Quin would be emerging from the shower soon, and she didn’t want him to know about the letter, so she hid it amid those she’d written for her children.
Grabbing the other blank piece of paper, she began making a list, and she was still going when Quin came around the corner. His hair was damp, and beads of water lingered in the muscular grooves of his shirtless torso, but he’d donned a pair of gray shorts.
Layla mind searched Selena, checking on Benzio while Quin greeted the triplets in a soft and soothing voice. Then she ceased the mental connection as he moved behind her and looked over her shoulder.
His clean scent drifted up her nose as his body heat caressed her back, and the sexy vibrations of his voice brought tears to her eyes. “Is that a shopping list?”
She nodded and set her pen on the table, bracing to speak without bawling. “We need to talk.”
His brow wrinkled as he met her stare, and his aura grew restless around them. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that.”
“We usually don’t go this long without talking.”
He bowed his head and scratched his jaw. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“I know,” she assured, laying a hand on his knee. “You don’t have to apologize.” She stood and moved to the sofa, and her lungs refused to work while she waited for him to follow.
Once they were both sitting, she leaned forward and rubbed her face, gathering the strength to push the difficult truth through her tight chest and swollen throat. When she failed to say anything for several seconds, Quin touched her back and quietly spoke. “You’re scaring me, Layla.”
She swallowed a painful lump and drew a labored breath. Then she dropped her hands and leaned back. “I was dishonest last night.”
She couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye, but she could see his frown in her peripheral, and there was no missing the darkening of his aura.
Dropping her gaze to her mom’s wedding ring, she twisted it in time with the slithering knot in her stomach. “When you were looking for me after the dress viewing.”
“When your mind was blocked,” he recalled.
She bit her lip and nodded. “I blocked it. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I’m sorry if it did.”
He chewed his cheek while searching the air around her. “Why did you do it?”
A lump recaptured her throat as tears sprang to her eyes, and even though she ached to curl into his side and hide her face in his warm chest, she somehow managed to keep her spine straight. “I overheard you talking to Drexel.”
His colors shifted as his gaze widened on her face. “How much did you hear?”
“Enough to know why you’ve been so quiet. I found you when he was talking about Vortigern’s institute getting ransacked.”
Quin sighed and ran a hand down his face. Then he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and cuddled her to his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His warm embrace crumbled her defenses, and tears skated down her cheeks to his heart. “It seemed like too much to talk about at two in the morning. Drexel’s news made my head spin, and I felt guilty over the entire situation. I guess I panicked.”
He stayed quiet for a few seconds, stroking her hair while touching his lips to the crown of her head. Then his chest rose with a deep breath. “Thank you for telling me. I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to relay Drexel’s shitty news.”
“I shouldn’t have put you in that position, Quin. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
She cleaned her face and found his eyes, her voice muffled by that damn lump. “I’m not just talking about last night. All winter. I shouldn’t have left you to deal with this on your own. It was selfish of me to stay in denial while you faced our problems head-on. I put you in that position. I wanted to be kept in the dark, so that’s what you gave me, but we…” The words got stuck as fresh waves rushed her eyes. “I can’t let you do that anymore. You’re not my guardian, Quin. I don’t care what they say. You’re more than that. You’re my partner in every conceivable way, and I won’t let you go through this alone anymore.”
He blinked his red-rimmed eyes while wiping away her tears. “I wanted it that way.”
“Only because I wanted it that way. But I don’t anymore. The conversation I overheard last night crushed me. Not because of the dangers I face, but because of the way it made you feel. I should have been standing next to you, offering my input and supporting you, not standing around the corner stewing in guilt.”
“We were supposed to have more time.”
“Time for what? For me to hide out, getting everything I want, while you search for answers and take meetings with jerks? That’s not fair. It’s not fair to the world, and it’s not fair to you.”
“I can handle the jerks, Layla. Drexel’s attitude is the least of my problems.”
“But it’s not supposed to be your problem. It’s our problem. I have to learn to handle jerks, too, especially if I’m supposed to make a difference in Maganthia.”
Quin’s lips thinned as he closed his eyes. “I can’t believe you heard all that.”
“I needed to hear it.”
He turned his head and covered his face with a palm. “You agree with them.”
“I didn’t say that.” She wiggled closer and took his tense jaw. “You’re not failing, Quin. You’re not failing me or our kids. You’re taking care of us every second of every day, and you do it in the best possible way.”
His hand remained on his face, his neck flexing as his chest hopped, and when he tried to speak, his body shook with restrained emotion. Watching him try not to cry pierced her to the bone, and she scrambled onto his lap to nuzzle his neck.
He wrapped her in a tight hug and buried his face in her hair. “I made this harder on us, Layla. I thought we had more time, and I convinced you to believe it, too. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. The past few months have been the best of my life, and I owe them to you.”
His hold on her tightened as he shook his head. “You felt this coming, but I was too damn blind to see it… too selfish to accept it, and I forced everyone to share my delusional sense of longevity. I’ve done nothing to prepare us for this.”
“Nothing could prepare us for this. I’ll never be ready to leave my kids and home. No matter what you do or don’t do.”
“Benzio,” he rasped. “He just lost his parents. Now he’s losing us, and he has no idea it’s coming. We haven’t even moved him out of our room.”
Layla’s heart squeezed under the weight of the burdens he was sharing with her, but she’d asked for it, so she welcomed the pain and held him closer. “We’ll start working on it this week. We’ll talk to him about what to expect, and we’ll make sure he knows he’ll still have a wonderful family after we leave. You’ve done right by him, Quin. You’ve given him something he never would have had in the guild. Don’t regret making him love you. He needed it. He needed you, and you came through for him better than I could have possibly hoped.”
“It touches my heart to hear you say those things, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not ready for this. None of us are ready.”
“We’ll never be ready. I could live a million years like this and still beg for more time. But if I don’t go face my problems, they’ll keep coming here. I have to stop them, Quin. Before I showed up, this coven was perfect – a little slice of heaven in a harsh world. I want it to be that way again. I want it to be that way for our kids so they can grow up to be like you – compassionate and positive and so full of love this scary world has no hope of crushing them.”
He kissed her hair then raised his head, cleaning his face with one hand while the other rubbed her back. “I don’t know how you’re being so strong.”
She left his neck and found his bloodshot eyes. “You. If I didn’t have you and your extraordinary love, I wouldn’t have made it this far, and I wouldn’t be able to keep going. My heart hurts, and I’m scared, but I have a partner who heals the pain and makes me brave. I’m strong for you, Quin, and for our kids… and because I have no other choice.”
“You’re wrong,” he whispered, drying her cheeks. “This is a choice.”
Her endless supply of tears swelled as her heart took another beating. “Do you think it’s the wrong choice?”
“No. I think it’s the tough choice, the kind only an angel would make.”
“I still don’t feel like an angel.”
“Even if you weren’t one, you’re one hell of a woman, and I’m proud to be your man.”
Her heart fluttered with his warm sincerity as her tummy tingled with relief. He wasn’t upset with her for eavesdropping and shielding her mind, and not only did he understand and support her decisions, he approved of them, no matter how much it hurt him and derailed his dreams.
Touching her forefinger to a hidden dimple, she swallowed her guilt and smiled. “Thank you. You’re one hell of a man.” She laid her cheek over his heart and played with the rhodium tag she got him for Christmas. He wore it around his wrist every day, and she often caught him touching the engraved fingerprints. “And we make amazing babies,” she added. “They’ll be okay without us”—her breath caught in her chest as her throat closed, and she clutched his hand, her muscles trembling with the effort it took to speak—“as long as they have each other and their grandparents.” She had to believe that or she’d never be able to leave.
Quin’s shaky breath swept through her hair and tickled her scalp. “Looks like we have work to do.”
“Yeah. We can’t sit around anymore.”
“The shopping list you were making – a camcorder and pre-paid cell phones. That has everything to do with this.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s smart. My head’s been too deep in the sand to think ahead like that.”
“I was buried right next to you until last night, but I’m okay with that. I’m glad we didn’t know. If we had, we would have worried our way through the holidays instead of soaking up the experiences and memories. You’re right – we’re not prepared for this, but only because we’ve been living in the moment. That’s not a bad thing. We’re giving up enough for this world. We deserved our moment.”
“You deserve more than that, and I’ll do everything I can to give you more. As long as I breathe, I’ll fight to bring you home to your babies.”
She pulled his knuckles to her lips, knowing he spoke the truth. “We’ll both fight.”
~***~
Layla and Quin finished the shopping list together. Then he insisted she work on her letters to their children while he found someone to go to Portland for them. The triplets weren’t ready to nurse, but they wanted to be held, so Quin scooped them up.
“Give Mamma kisses,” he softly instructed. “Then we’ll go see your grandparents.”
Layla showered their small heads in kisses. Then she stood on her toes and planted one on Quin. “Hurry back.”
“We will.”
Quin left the house shoeless and shirtless, unconcerned about what he wore and desperate for the feel of his babies. Every second with them was precious, every touch a fleeting moment he’d never get back. The wrinkly toes sweeping his stomach; the tiny fingers fluttering over his biceps; and the velvety cheeks resting on his chest – each sensation so simple and subtle yet powerful enough to alter the course of his existence. No way would he hinder them with a shirt.
He performed a couple of mind searches as he walked through the garden, and a few minutes later he stood in Caitrin’s living room with his parents and Layla’s grandparents. The triplets were pulled from Quin’s arms for sweet greetings and loving kisses. Then he stepped away from the chaos, taking a moment to put his thoughts in order. Cordelia shadowed him and rubbed his back, and though she didn’t say anything, the worried colors in her aura spoke volumes.
Once everyone finished cooing over the babies, they expectantly turned toward Quin, and he met his dad’s stare, struggling to keep his shoulders straight and his breathing even. “How much have you told them?”
“Everything,” Kemble answered.
Quin should have known by his mom’s doting. “Layla knows. She overheard Drexel’s rant.”
The others frowned as Morrigan’s eyes filled with tears. “She must be heartbroken. Someone should be with her.”
“She’s busy,” Quin countered. “She’s… she’s writing letters for the kids in case she doesn’t make it back.”
That brought tears to everyone’s eyes, but Quin was quick to blink them away and clear his throat. “If you want to go over there after we talk, you can.”
Kemble swallowed and glanced at Cordelia. “Sounds like you have a lot to say.”
“Too much.” Quin dropped his gaze to the floor. Then he turned toward the window and ran his hands through his hair, tempted to pull it out, to release some frustration and aggression while dulling the ache in his heart. “You can sit if you want. I’m not in the mood.”
Caitrin, Morrigan and Daleen sat, but Serafin and Kemble stayed on their feet while Cordelia remained in Quin’s shadow.
He rubbed his face then turned toward them. “The good news is Layla’s handling this insanely well. She’s holding up better than I am. I don’t know if it’s guilt, morality or fate, but whatever’s driving her, she’s a rock and living up to the Crusader’s expectations. I didn’t even know she’d overheard Drexel until I got out of the shower this morning to find her making a shopping list.” He pulled the paper from his back pocket and tossed it on the table. “She’d already made up her mind to leave sooner rather than later. Not only had she accepted it, she’d started preparing for it.”
Caitrin unfolded the list and scanned it. “She wants to make a video for the kids.”
Morrigan sobbed into Lilyana’s curls, and Quin’s nostrils flared with his attempt to keep his emotions in check. “I have no idea how she’ll get through it. If she pulls that off…” He turned away, rubbing his eyes with the base of his palms. “The way she’s handling this is blowing my mind. I don’t know how to keep up, how to be the man she’ll need me to be out there. I’m barely keeping it together here.”
Cordelia hugged Quin’s bicep as Caitrin spoke. “You’ll find the strength when you need it.”
“I need it now.”
“If ever there was a time and place to let your guard down, it’s here and now, so stop trying to keep it together and tell us how we can help.”
Quin nodded while drying his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and rotated. “Let her stay strong. That’s how you can help. Don’t fight her decisions, and try your damnedest not to mourn in front of her. She doesn’t think she’ll make it back, but if we insist she will, she’ll pretend for us. Let her. Don’t give her the slightest indication you doubt her return. That would merely add substance to her fears.”
Serafin’s face paled as he sat next to Daleen. “Then you’ve decided.” He flipped his gaze to a portrait of Aedan and Rhosewen while taking his wife’s hand. “You won’t let us go with you.”
Quin’s lungs refused to work as he scanned his triplets. “We need you here. If danger strikes while we’re away, we need to know our kids are protected. Our enemies could try to use them as bait to draw us out or bend our will. We can’t let that happen. You need to stay and make sure Layla has a family to come home to. All of you,” he added, glancing at his parents. “When Layla and I leave, the Crusaders will go with us, and it will be up to the six of you to replace the security they provide. I’m going to ask Grant and Cecelia to stay behind, as well. Our babies need all the protection they can get. Besides”—his throat swelled, and he instinctively reached for the tag on his wrist, thumbing the tiny fingerprints while searching for strength—“Layla wants our kids influenced by both our families. She thinks that’s the best way to keep us alive for them... to hand down our values if we’re not around to do it. She thinks they’ll be like me if they’re raised by the same people.”
Cordelia’s hands trembled, and Kemble crossed the room, urging her to sit with him.
Quin was the only person left standing, and he hated looking down at their sorrowful faces, so he started pacing. “You know we’re right on this. No one else on earth can take better care of our kids. Keeping the six of you in their lives will give Layla the peace of mind she needs to do this.”
Caitrin kissed Morrigan’s curls while cradling Lilyana’s head in his palm. “That explains the pre-paid cell phones.”
Morrigan drew a shaky breath. “So we’re supposed to just sit and wait for a phone call? That’s the only connection we’ll have with her?”
“Yes,” Quin confirmed, stung by the hysteria in her voice. “It won’t be easy, but that’s exactly what you’ll do. This is way harder on her than it is on any of us, so we suck it up and do it her way.”
He halted next to Morrigan’s piano, the one Layla would have used had she gotten the chance to take lessons. He’d dreamt about it after she told him she wanted to learn. The baby grand was on the lawn in his vision, and he and Layla sat on the bench together, the houses around them blurring into swirling colors, but she’d never appeared clearer.
Quin released his tag and tapped a high note, desperate to hear something besides his own tortuous thoughts. “No one’s sacrificing more than she is. She came into our lives nine months ago and gave us everything we wanted, everything we feared we’d never get. When it was threatened, she saved it. Then she… she gave us more than we dared to ask for. She gave us those babies you’re holding. Now she’s giving you the opportunity to watch them grow. Take it.”
Everyone was silent for several seconds. Then Kemble cleared his throat and stood. “Clearly there’s no changing your mind.”
Quin shook his head while tapping out a melancholy tune on the ivory keys. “Trying will just add to her guilt and make our departure more difficult.”
“Then there’s nothing left to say on the subject,” Kemble concluded. “What else can we do to help?”
Quin took a deep breath and turned toward them. “You need to decide how you want to deal with living arrangements for the kids. We’d prefer you alternate staying at our house, so they can sleep in their own room and maintain a sense of stability, but we won’t demand it, as long as you keep them together. If you plan on moving them around, I need to know so I can ease Benzio into the idea. Then there’s the matter of telling Brietta we can’t make it to her wedding. I’ll give Kegan a heads up the first chance I get. Maybe he’ll volunteer to break it to her gently.”
Kemble grabbed the shopping list off the table and tucked it into his satchel. “We’ll do our part. Anything else?”
“No farewell gathering. Nothing about the idea would appeal to Layla. I’m sure we’ll hurt some feelings by leaving without a goodbye, but no one hurts like she does. A brief moment of closure with my friends isn’t worth the pain it would cause her. I’ll ask Weylin to come by, but the rest of them will have to hear about our departure from you.”
“What about our family?” Caitrin countered.
Quin’s chest rose with a labored breath. “They’re worth the pain. Layla will want at least one more evening with them. She might mourn her way through it, but she won’t skip it.”
He started pacing again, his temples between his thumb and forefinger. “There might be a way to make it easier on her, a way to take the focus off the fact that we’re leaving. Benzio’s birthday is next month. Layla first mentioned it weeks ago. He spent his past two birthdays in a dungeon with his parents, so she was excited about throwing him a real party. She doesn’t have time to plan it on her own, but if the family helps, we could celebrate his birthday early. It would bring the coven together while keeping things light, and I can’t imagine a better send-off for this shitty situation. Layla will get to see the grin on Benzio’s face and the light in his eyes when he blows out the candles and opens his gifts. She’ll get to experience him throwing his arms around her neck to thank her for the best birthday of his life. Right now she fears she’ll only live those moments in her dreams. Let’s prove her wrong and give her something to hope for.”
Silence captured the room and stretched on, but Quin refused to look at their faces. He could feel their grief as clearly as he felt the air on his skin. He didn’t need to see it.
Turning toward a side table, he crouched beside it and summoned a bag of cannabis from his satchel. Then he rolled a joint while flipping his gaze between the herb and a framed photo of Layla giving her valedictorian speech. He’d never met the girl in the picture. By the time she came into his life, she’d changed. Living as a recluse and losing Katherine had drained her confidence and zest for life, and even after she rediscovered them, they weren’t the same. No longer was she the carefree girl in the photo, quick to conquer her fears and hopeful about her future. Now she was an angel burdened by the world. Her confidence sprang from desperation, and she craved life because it was in danger of being ripped away.
Quin wiped his eyes on his shoulder while twisting the ends of the joint. Then he tucked it behind his ear and held up his stash. “I’ll need a bigger supply when we leave.”
“I’ll pack you a medic bag,” Serafin offered. “I’ll add enough cannabis to last several months.”
“Thanks.” Quin stowed the herb and stood. “There’s one more thing we need to talk about, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with Layla.”
“We’ll do our best to help,” Kemble assured. “What’s the problem?”
Quin kept his back to them as he answered. “We’ll be lucky if the breast milk she’s pumped will get the triplets through a month. She assumes you’ll switch them to formula when the bottles are gone, but there’s a better alternative… if I can talk her into it.”
Quin could practically hear the cogs cranking in their brains. Then Serafin reached a conclusion. “A wet nurse.”
“Yeah,” Quin confirmed. “Natalie, from the Owen/Sullivan coven. She’s due next month. I don’t want her nursing them. That bond is reserved for Layla. But if Natalie’s willing to pump and sell you the bottles, I’ll pay her well. All she has to do is name her price.”
“Her mom and I are close,” Cordelia noted. “I’ll discuss it with them this afternoon. If Natalie’s willing, we’ll help you convince Layla. It’ll be easier than you think. This is what’s best for the triplets, and that’s what every mother wants.”
Quin nodded, knowing she spoke the truth. Layla would die to give her babies a better life. “Do I have your cooperation with Benzio’s party?”
Someone rose from the sofa. Then Daleen moved to Quin’s side, touching his shoulder while cradling Kaedan in her other arm. “Of course you do. We’ll work with Layla to make it happen.”
“Thank you.”
She squeezed then waited for him to look at her. “We should be thanking you. We couldn’t ask for a better man to take care of our granddaughter. You’ve never failed us. You’ve surpassed every expectation we’ve had, and you’ve made all our lives better, especially hers. Remember that if you start doubting yourself out there. No one could do it better.”
“Maybe,” Quin mumbled, pulling the joint from behind his ear, but he couldn’t help but wonder if everything he had to give would be enough.