FOUR
Anxious auras swirled around Nala’s house, plaguing her family and guests, but the visit was filled with small talk and courteous pleasantries, as if it wasn’t happening under dire circumstances.
Layla had to bite her tongue and resist rolling her eyes every time someone mentioned the weather or work or vacation plans. None of it mattered. The moment Layla learned her cousin had been taken, the world stopped spinning, but it didn’t seem to stop for anyone else. The babies still needed to be nursed; the kids still wanted to play games; and Natalie still looked forward to giving birth to her second child.
Cordelia’s colors exposed her stretched nerves and fear, but she somehow found the ability to join the chitchat, and she eventually steered it toward breast feeding. Layla got the feeling the conversation was taking place for her benefit, perhaps to get her mind off Brietta, but hearing Natalie’s big plans for her baby merely annoyed Layla. She didn’t want to be rude, but even fake smiles eluded her. She had nothing to offer except negativity, so she kept her mouth shut.
Life went on around her. Dinner was prepped and served; Benzio was fed and entertained; and Quin hovered, tending to his kids’ every whim and forcing Layla to eat. Hours passed without a phone call or visitor, no news about the search whatsoever, and they were some of the longest hours of Layla’s life. Each endless second dragged her deeper into a world without sunshine, a world that made her numb and angry.
When Benzio fell asleep on the floor, Natalie gathered her daughter and hugged her parents, asking them to call if they received news. Then she waved goodbye to their guests and headed for the door.
Layla barely acknowledged her departure, but after a beat of hesitation, Quin rose from the sofa and headed for the porch. “Hey, Natalie.”
She halted, and he rubbed the back of his neck as he shut the front door. “I um… I want to apologize for Layla being so distant and quiet. She’s usually the sweetest person in the world.”
Natalie scanned the air around him. Then she cast a protection spell on her daughter’s feet before lowering them to the porch. “Go without me, pumpkin. I’ll be right behind you.”
Her daughter took off, and Natalie watched her descend the stairs before returning her attention to Quin. “You don’t need to apologize. I see how much this is upsetting her.”
“I’m sure you do. Her aura is hard to miss, but I felt the need to explain. She’s not herself today, and I don’t want you to leave with the wrong impression of her.”
Natalie searched his face while deciding how to respond. “This is about me selling you my breast milk.”
He blinked, unaware she knew. “My mom already told you.”
“She mentioned it to my mom when they were making dinner.”
“I didn’t realize. I’d hoped to be more tactful when we discussed it.”
She raised an eyebrow and laughed. “I’ve never seen you nervous, Quin. It’s cute.”
“I’m asking a lot. Some would say too much, so I won’t hold it against you if you refuse. Just please don’t make your decision based on today’s interaction with Layla. She’s an incredible mom who’d do anything for her kids. We’d both be eternally grateful if you’d help keep them healthy while we’re gone.”
Natalie gave his arm a consoling squeeze. “This should be the least of your worries. Layla has every right to be upset, and my relationship with her won’t influence my decision to help your kids. But it is a big decision, one I need to talk about with Remy. We’ll both have to commit to provide enough milk for four babies.”
“I understand. It’s a huge commitment, but if you do decide to do this for us, I’ll pay for your time and effort. Whatever you think it’s worth. You can give us something we can’t get anywhere else, so just name your price.”
“It’s not about money, Quin. It’s about those tiny babies and what’s best for them. I think Remy will see that as clearly as I do.”
“Maybe I should be the one to ask. I don’t want him to think this means so little to me that I’d send you to plead my case. That was never my intention. I’d hoped to bring it up with both of you at a more appropriate time.”
She laughed and patted his shoulder. “I see why all the girls fall for you. Even for a wizard you’re extraordinarily chivalrous. If talking to Remy would ease your mind, you’re welcome to stop by when he gets home, but it’s not necessary. I’ll let him know how you feel.”
“Thank you. If you don’t believe a visit is necessary, I’ll give you some space to think about it. Call me if you have any questions or concerns.”
“We will.”
She offered him a parting smile before floating away, and Quin checked the time while bracing to face Layla’s inquisitive stare. She would want to know where he went and why, and now wasn’t a good time to confess he was plotting to feed their triplets another woman’s breast milk.
As he started to turn toward the house, two auras flew into the clearing. Then Serafin and Daleen appeared within the anxious rainbows. They held each other as they approached, their shiny eyes set over dark circles accentuated by pallid cheeks. They’d spent the day tending to the refugee children who were left behind, and their posture carried the burdens of tragedy’s aftermath.
“How’s Layla?” Serafin asked, ascending the stairs to Nala’s porch.
Quin held the door for them as he quietly answered. “Pissed, scared, worried… everything you’d expect her to be. Any news?”
“Nothing to get your hopes up about. Let’s talk in the living room. Layla won’t stay in the dark on this. Might as well give it to her straight.”
They made their way into the living room, and Nala jumped to offer refreshments while Layla greeted her grandparents.
“You two look awful,” she noted, letting Daleen hug her.
Serafin moved to the sofa and ran his gaze over the triplets. “It’s been a long day, but we’re fine.” He lifted Lilyana from the pile and pulled her into a gentle hug, closing his eyes as he breathed her in. “Few things bring a man more perspective and peace of mind than holding his great-grandbabies.”
“The world’s sweetest remedy,” Daleen agreed, taking Kaedan into her arms.
Once everyone sat and accepted drinks from Nala, Serafin updated the room with the latest news, and he did so while staring into Lilyana’s innocent eyes. “Most of the children who were left behind are fine. Traumatized, but physically unharmed. We lost one. He was injured during the raid and lost too much blood before we got to him. We compared the names of the survivors to those on the adoption list, and it looks like more than a dozen were killed this morning, but more were saved. Brietta…” His voice hitched as his chest rose. Then he slowly exhaled while rubbing a thumb over his eyes. “Brietta saved them. According to one of the older kids, she convinced the Dark Guild to save themselves the hassle of babysitting by leaving the children behind. She knew we’d find them. She’s been stubborn about saving those kids since she heard about them, and she succeeded. They’re alive and free because she was there. I think it’s important we remember that. It will help us cope with what’s to come.”
Layla’s jaw flexed as tears flooded her eyes, and she lowered her face to her palms, fighting back a sob. “You don’t think we’ll find her.”
Silence stretched on as Serafin grasped for the will to answer. “I think it would take a miracle. They were abducted over fifteen hours ago, and there isn’t a trail. We have hundreds of people scouring Oregon and its surrounding states, and we’ve found nothing. I’m afraid we won’t be any help to them unless they figure out a way to escape or contact us.”
Layla cleaned her face and bitterly looked up. “I’m supposed to be the most powerful witch in the world, and I couldn’t escape the guild.”
“But you were alone,” Daleen pointed out. “Brietta has Kegan, and maybe Alec.”
“What do you mean maybe Alec? Was he taken?”
“Not exactly.”
Daleen bowed her head and looked to Serafin, who took over for her. “None of the kids recall seeing Alec during the invasion. He didn’t show up until after the smoke cleared, right before the Dark Guild departed. The children had already been bound and placed in a tent, but they heard Alec talking, and those we questioned all said the same thing. Alec surrendered. He willingly approached and told the Dark Guild he was there to join them.”
Layla’s mouth fell open. “He joined them?”
“So it seems. We’d like to think he joined with good intentions. Maybe by surrendering he hoped to infiltrate their ranks so he could help the prisoners, but it’s unwise to put our faith in him. All his old classmates are part of the Dark Guild now, and he was looking for a place where he wouldn’t be judged for his sins. Seeing his new friends taken prisoner by his old friends might have convinced him there’s no point in fighting the evil.”
“Aradia,” Layla breathed. “How could he do this to her?”
“We don’t know what he’s done,” Daleen reminded her. “Aradia will want to believe the best of her brother, and we have no hard evidence to contradict her. For now, we let her believe.”
Quin leaned forward, taking Layla’s hand as he broke his silence. “Are there plans to expand the search?”
Serafin kept his attention on Lilyana as he answered. “Flying over mountains and forests without a clue where to look is pointless. If we don’t pick up their trail by morning, we’ll call off the search parties, but we won’t give up. We have contacts all over the world, and we’ll use every last one of them. Our targets are travelling with hundreds of soldiers and prisoners. They can’t stay under the radar for long.”
Layla stood and paced, too pissed to sit. “By then it will be too late.”
Quin twisted in his seat so his gaze could follow her across the room. “Layla—”
“Don’t,” she interrupted, pressing her palms to her forehead. “Just don’t. There’s nothing you can say to fix this. We’re helpless. Bri and Keg are going through hell, and we have no choice but to turn our backs on them so we can go save the rest of this cruel and ugly world. They’re just collateral damage, right? Like all the other people you’ve buried since I was born. My parents, everyone we lost to Agro. Now Brietta and Kegan. They’re all innocent bystanders unlucky enough to know me. We need to leave and get this bullshit over with before the rest of our family gets caught in the crossfire.”
Nala and her husband gawked at Layla from the opposite side of the room, huddled together as if they feared for their safety, but Daleen was crying, and Serafin hugged her shoulders while laying his cheek on her head. Quin kept his gaze on Layla, his aura a tumultuous mess of emotions, but he refrained from expressing them.
Following a glance at Benzio, who continued to sleep within a silencing spell, Quin turned forward and stoically replied. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Layla halted, surprised he hadn’t tried to claim none of this was her fault, convince her there was hope or urge her to calm down before making big decisions. “You agree?” she asked, moving so she could see his face.
He met her stare with shiny eyes, their dark depths exposing his turmoil. “You know how I feel about you blaming yourself for this mess, but I agree we’re not helping anyone by sitting around here. I hate to leave while Bri and Keg are missing, but at this point, the best thing we can do for them is stop the bastards who took them.” His jaw hardened as he pointed at Layla, a gesture that caught her off guard and achieved exactly what he’d intended, demanding her attention and forcing her to hear him. “We’re not turning our backs on them. Whether we leave or stay, that’s not what’s happening. I know you’re angry and need to rant, so I won’t stop you, but deep down, you know better. We’d never give up on Bri, and we’re not saving a cruel and ugly world. We’re trying to keep it beautiful for our kids.”
Out of steam and feeling foolish, Layla turned away, fidgeting with a gemstone on a nearby table as she fought back tears. “Why do you always have to be so damn sensible?”
She didn’t expect an answer, but it came anyway, strangled by grief, rough with disdain, and serrated with anger. “It’s why I’m here. I was made to get you through this. Loving you so much my heart bleeds and my head spins is a perk, one I doubt the Heavens counted on.”
The brutal truth in his confession stung deep. She was his job, a job that would be much easier if he wasn’t in love with her; if they didn’t have kids and hadn’t built a home. All this time she wanted to believe she and Quin were fated to love each other, but the battles they faced were supposed to be conquered by an angel and her guardian, not a pair of bonded lovers desperate to survive. Maybe if they weren’t so wrapped up in each other, putting their hearts before their purpose, Brietta and Kegan would be safe at home. Maybe the death and discourse around them wasn’t due to the fact that she was the earth angel, but because she wasn’t a very good one. She’d put her love for Quin above the will of the Heavens. Now her family and friends were paying for it.
Her palms grew sweaty as her stomach swished, and she had to brace a hand on the wall to stay upright. Only the lump in her throat tamed the bile, the nausea she felt as she wondered if she and Quin’s love – their soul-shaking, barrier-breaking, breath-taking love – was merely a flaw in an otherwise divine plan.
She had to employ a great deal of effort to swallow and straighten, but she didn’t have time to analyze her relationship with Quin and dwell on what-ifs. Brietta and Kegan remained at the mercy of the Dark Guild, and the search parties were giving up hope.
Following a quick breath to bolster her nerve, Layla spoke as calmly as possible. “Are we staying the night here?”
“Yeah,” Quin answered.
Nala piped in from her husband’s side, eager to help. “We prepared the guestroom for your stay. It already has a crib and toddler bed.”
“Thanks,” Layla replied, gathering Benzio from the floor. “Which room is it?”
Nala headed for the stairs and motioned for Layla to follow. “I’ll show you the way.”
Layla asked Serafin and Daleen to bring the triplets along, but once all her children were in the guestroom, she hugged and kissed her grandparents, thanked Nala then all but pushed them out the door.
Quin entered the moment they left, and Layla avoided eye contact with him while asking for the kids’ bag. He summoned it from his satchel and laid it on the bench at the foot of the bed, his gaze burning a hole in the side of her head, but she pretended not to notice while carefully unpacking pajamas.
“You’re upset with me,” he concluded. “For what I said about the Heavens.”
“I’m not upset with you, but I don’t want to talk about it.”
He sat beside the bag, lowering his gaze enough to see her face. “I wasn’t born yesterday, Layla. I know when a woman’s mad, and even the thickest fool knows he’s in trouble when a woman follows the words I’m not upset with the words I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Usually you’d be right, but this time you’re wrong.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?”
She huffed and straightened, forcing herself to meet his stare. “Because you make me feel it, Quin. You swoop in with your warm hugs, smooth replies and those damn eyes that see right through me, and my defenses shatter. I turn into a puddle of mush that can’t help but feel everything. If there’s even a threat of tears, you’ll rip them out of me, and I don’t want to mourn right now. I want to lie down, cuddle my kids, and just be numb and quiet for a while. Please.”
His fingers curled over the edge of the bench, and the sad look on his face nearly broke the floodgates stifling her tears.
She averted her gaze and stepped close enough to hug him. “I’m not upset with you. I’m just sad and tired, and I don’t want you trying to fix it.”
His hands stretched across her backside as he nuzzled her stomach. “I understand.”
“Thank you.”
“I have a few things to take care of before I can lie down.”
She leaned in and kissed the top of his head. Then she grabbed the kids’ bag and headed for the attached bathroom. “Me, too. Put the triplets in the crib and cast a shield around Benz. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
Quin watched her back until she shut the bathroom door behind her. Then he ran a hand down his face and lethargically rose. Despite her insistence that she wasn’t upset with him, he regretted the things he’d said about their relationship and the anger with which he’d said them. Regardless of the truths the moment of insensitivity might have held and the turmoil they created within him, he shouldn’t have expressed them to her. He didn’t care why he loved her or whether or not the Heavens had a hand in it. No matter what the deities had in mind, Quin was unequivocally devoted to Layla and would sever his own limbs to remain in her divine presence. The most paramount goal of his life was proving himself worthy of her, and he couldn’t achieve the feat by succumbing to insecurities and spewing hurtful speculations.
After laying the triplets in the crib and wrapping them in monitoring spells, Quin cast a barrier around Benzio and walked downstairs. Had Layla desired his company, he would have flown so he could return to her sooner, but she’d expressly rejected his touch and was merely tolerating his presence.
Nala was tidying the living room when Quin entered in search of Serafin, so she pointed toward the lawn. “I think he’s on the porch.”
Quin wandered outside to find Serafin sitting by himself on the stairs, puffing a pipe and blowing smoke laced with steam toward the clouds.
“Mind if I sit?” Quin asked.
Serafin motioned toward the spot next to him then passed over the herb. “I didn’t choose to smoke alone. Daleen lit it up then couldn’t sit still. She’s at Dion’s, working on a meal plan for the orphans.”
Quin sat on the stoop and took a long draw off the pipe. “Daleen’s a good woman.”
“Damn good woman.” Serafin accepted the pipe back, but he seemed lost in his head. “As a healer, there’s no experience quite like the one you endure when you lose a child. Today reminded me why I turned to woodworking after dedicating more than two decades of my life to healing. But Daleen”—he took a hit then exhaled a puff of smoke shaped like a heart—“she wouldn’t stop working long enough to mourn. I practically had to drag her out of the infirmary to get her here. She wants to stay busy and be useful, but she’ll have to stop eventually, and the grief will hit.”
Quin had seen witches work through the grieving process countless times, but it never got easier to watch. “Layla’s refusing to acknowledge the pain, let alone express it.”
“She wants to believe Brietta can be saved. Grieving the loss is admitting she’s gone.”
Quin took one more hit of the herb while sympathizing with his love. Then he looked to the sky and blinked his burning eyes. “It’s bullshit Bri and Keg got caught up in this. I feel like the Heavens are fucking with us, seeing how much tragedy we can tolerate… how much Layla can tolerate. Do they torture all their angels or is she extra special?”
Serafin tapped ashes from his pipe and stowed it in his satchel. “I’m reminded of a conversation I once had with a journalist. He’d spent years interviewing people who’d experienced noteworthy events, but rather than focus on what had happened, he studied the affect it had on society, and he quickly noticed a trend, especially among those who survived tragedy. One word, over and over – why. The emotions his subjects felt were unique, their concerns were personal, and their reactions varied, but nearly all of them wanted a reason, as if the consequences wouldn’t be so painful if only there was a divine plan. The trend stretched across the board, regardless of age, gender, religion or nationality. Even people who didn’t consider themselves spiritual wanted to make sense of the chaos, so this guy embarked on a quest to answer that one all-consuming question – why?”
Quin raised an eyebrow. “He tried to answer that for every historical event? Sounds like a madman.”
Serafin lightly laughed. “I don’t know if he was a madman going into the project, but the man I met was a bit off, like his brain travelled in a different direction than ours. He seemed reluctant to reveal the conclusion to his findings, so I eventually asked if he believed everything happens for a reason. Following a long drink and a shameless burp, he proceeded to scratch his ass and tell me he could list over a hundred reasons why his wife served him eggs that morning, the most notable being he hated cereal. He then went on to conclude that if a person searches hard enough, they’ll find countless reasons for everything, whether it’s war, famine or an itchy ass.”
Quin smirked as he pulled a bottle of Scotch from his bag. “So he’s not a believer.”
“I still don’t know what to think of him – one of the weirdest guys I’ve ever met. Nevertheless, his story proves it’s human nature to try to make sense of the madness. But asking why won’t change what happened, and it won’t get you any closer to the truth, because there are too many answers, answers that don’t amount to an ass itch. It doesn’t matter why Bri and Keg were taken, and we don’t have time to sit and ponder what led to their abduction or what might become of it. We just have to keep faith that none of this is in vain. The pain, the sacrifice, the risk – it will all be worth it if we succeed in securing a more peaceful world for future generations. Besides, while it isn’t necessarily true to say what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger, tragedy does have a habit of proving how strong we are, and Layla’s much stronger than she thinks. Losing Brietta will be tough on her, but she’ll get through it, and she’ll come out fighting.”
Quin chugged his liquor while letting the lecture ring in his head. “I feel like you’re telling me something I’ve told Layla a dozen times, but my conviction isn’t as steadfast as it was two days ago. Now that it’s time to step up and be… whatever the hell it is I’m supposed to be, everything feels heavier, more fragile, and more complicated.” He took another long drink before corking the bottle and wiping his mouth. Then his throat swelled, reluctant to release the truth. Of all the men on earth, Quin had only aimed to impress a select few, and one of them sat beside him, unaware of the shameful confession on the tip of his tongue. “I’m scared, Serafin.”
A quick blink betrayed Serafin’s surprise as he scanned the air between them. “Of course you are.”
Quin looked away and shook his head. “I’m not just talking about the danger. I’m scared I can’t get her through this. I’m scared I’m not the man meant to be by her side, and even if I am, I’m scared I’m doing it wrong. Am I supposed to treat her like she’s the love of my life or sacrifice her life for the greater good? Do I protect her or push her into danger? Should I kiss her awake like she’s the mother of my children or should I tell her to get her ass out of bed and save the world? I don’t know what’s expected of me. Hell, I don’t even know what’s expected of her, let alone the role I’m supposed to play in it. And the way I feel about her conflicts with the fate of an angel. She’s mine, damn it, not the earth’s, and I hate the idea of her risking her life, so how the hell am I supposed to find the will to encourage it? If I’m a chosen guardian meant to help her fulfill her fate, why is it the last thing I want to do?”
Silence captured the winter air, and Quin kept his gaze averted from Serafin’s aura, fearful it would reflect his disappointment, but when he finally spoke, his voice held no anger or blame. “There you go asking why again.”
Quin filled his lungs and looked over. “But shouldn’t I know these things? Isn’t it important?”
Serafin shrugged. “It isn’t important to me. I don’t know what the deities intended, and frankly I don’t care. I’ve witnessed the love between you and Layla, and nothing can convince me it’s wrong on any level. I’ll admit I had concerns in the beginning. You fell fast and hard, and your path has been far from easy, but you’ve never considered stepping away. No matter how difficult it gets, you’ve never regretted walking this life with her, and the more you learn about her, no matter how wonderful or devastating the revelation, the harder you fall. Whatever the Heavens wanted, this is what they got – a breathtakingly beautiful love that inspires others as surely as it inspires you and Layla. Life is love, Quin, that’s what it’s all about, that’s all we take with us in the end, so I doubt the most glorious example of love I’ve ever witnessed will be the downfall of humanity.”
“Maybe not, but defying the goddesses might do it.”
“How are you defying them? Are you keeping Layla home and refusing to let her fulfill her destiny?”
“No, but I want to.”
“Yet you’ve given her the freedom to choose. That’s exactly the kind of man she needs, one who feels the pain and fear, but doesn’t let emotions control his actions, a man who wants to keep her safe and would die to make it so, but has enough faith in her to let her spread her wings. Despite your insecurities, you’re pulling it off. You have been for months. All these questions you’re asking, this doubt burdening you, it’s unnecessary, because you’re not deserting my granddaughter. Even if the Goddess Ava dropped down here and told you to leave Layla, you’d tell the mother of all witches to shove off. I know you’re worried, and I agree this whole damn thing would go much smoother if we had the knowledge of the Heavens, but mankind isn’t supposed to know it all. Mystery and wonder are as old as the earth, and since this is a fight for humanity, fought by the flawed, there’s bound to be mistakes, losses, and giant leaps of faith.”
“I can come to terms with my flaws, but I don’t want to be Layla’s mistake.”
Serafin’s brow knitted over a frown. “How many times have you saved her life? If not for you, she might have ended up enslaved or corrupted by Finley, or she could have been slaughtered on a glacier or a sacrificial altar. Even if you disregard how many times you’ve saved her life, think about how many times you’ve encouraged her to live, how many times you’ve healed her heart as well as her body, and how much joy you’ve brought into her world. How could any of that possibly be a mistake?”
“I see your point, but I’m not talking about her past. Everything’s different now. Everything we’ve worked to achieve, we have to give it up, and the path we’ve been taking, the one we chose together, we can’t walk it anymore. Our relationship can no longer be a priority. We’re supposed to sacrifice it all for the greater good, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that. Layla is. She can do anything once she makes up her mind to do it, but I’ve barely been tested, and I’m in knots over it.”
“Yet you’re going to suck it up and return to her, not because someone is forcing you, but because you want to. As difficult as it gets, nothing would be harder than giving up on her. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Quin bowed his head. “I can’t imagine a life worth living if I’m not living for her. The mere idea of giving up makes me feel like hurling.”
“That’s what I thought. You’ll find the strength, Quin. You might stumble on occasion, but you’ll pick yourself up and keep going, because Layla needs you. She may not always need the same things from you, but she’ll always need something from you. Make sure you’re there to give it to her.”
Quin agreed with a nod and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll give everything I have.”
“That’s all we ask,” Serafin quipped. Then he slapped Quin’s shoulder. “No more pondering existence. That kind of stuff is for cranky, old men with nothing better to do. Is Layla waiting for you?”
“Not really. Instinct tells me to soothe her, but she doesn’t want any part of it, so I’ll keep my mouth shut and go to bed when I get back.”
“Back from where?”
“I need to check in with the guards, let them know we’re going to sleep.”
Serafin followed Quin’s lead and stood. “I’ll go with you. Daleen probably won’t let me sleep, so the guards can report to me.”
Quin agreed as he donned his cloak. Then he sent a mind search to Natalie’s childhood bedroom and connected with his mom. ‘I need to meet with our security. Layla’s upstairs with the kids.’
‘Should I check in on her?’
‘Only if it sounds like she’s having trouble with the triplets.’
‘Okay. Let me know when you get back.’
Quin severed the mind search and looked at Serafin. “Do me a favor – don’t wake us up unless we’re in danger or you have good news to report. Any bad news can wait until she’s had a full night’s sleep.”
“Smart plan,” Serafin replied. Then they looked toward the horizon and soared into the air.