14 – The Beast Meets Leilani

Jaggar, locked in the body of the beast, prowled through the forest at VF, ready for anything, expecting nothing good. Serenity had never felt like home to him, but it was the only home he knew, the only place he’d ever lived when he hadn’t been in the military. He’d done tour after tour, leaving when Eventine, his best friend, had found her mate. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but there had been no other option for him. He’d loved Eventine with desperate abandon, even though he’d known she wasn’t his mate and he wasn’t hers, but she was kind, and she didn’t care about the way he looked. She was strong and fierce and why wouldn’t he love her? She was the only female he’d ever been around who didn’t agitate the beast in some way.

Eventine had soothed the pain inside Jaggar, and always put the beast right to sleep, which was a relief for Jaggar. When he was with Eventine he didn’t have to be on guard against comments about his mom, his nature, or his animal. He didn’t have to hold tight to his fight for discipline and control of his own body that was made up of too many parts.

Life was easy and smooth, but only if she was around. When she left, it was the same dirty grind it had been before.

Or so he told himself on those endless nights when his mind spun out of control, playing that day over and over again. Eventine saying she was Harlan’s, only Harlan’s. Harlan kissing her.

Unable to stop it, Jaggar could only be swept along as the memory of Harlan kissing Leilani swept over him. The beast growled, adrenaline shooting through him. Jaggar’s fingers vibrated as the beast’s claws extended.

Thinking about that had been a very bad idea. He had to get some control over the beast. He growled in his own head, hated calling his own animal ‘the beast’, hating that name that someone else had given him.

So why was he still calling the beast, ‘the beast’ or… ‘it’?

To his left, scent of wolfen came to him. Nowl. Others behind him.

Jaggar dug in, desperately clawing at… his animal. We aren’t killing him. We aren’t even fighting him.

His animal proved him wrong, stalking to meet Nowl with bad intent.

Nowl was already moving. Ruhi from Nowl and Harlan came to Jaggar, as if from a great distance, so much pain in the words.

Jaggar, I’m sorry.

Jaggar clenched his teeth and let his eyes drift closed, ceasing any resistance. For the first time since he’d left, he let himself wonder if, while he and the beast had been gone, Harlan had been with…

No. He cut the thought off at the knees. He would rather die than imagine his mate with his friend. His mate.

He needed her so badly he shook with it. She was close, he could feel it. He would let the beast take care of Harlan and then… then what?

A whisper on the wind came to him through the beast’s ears.

Jaggar.

Leilani had been the whisperer.

His mate was calling him.

Jaggar wrenched the beast’s body around and pointed him toward the whisper, but the beast was already moving that way, Harlan/Nowl forgotten.

For now.

The beast stalked through the forest at a loping, rolling run, past the cabin mostly hidden there, and the powerful beings inside. One was his mate’s sister. The other was something else entirely. Not human. Not dragen. Not angel.

Engel, the being told him. Now get your ass out of my forest.

The voice was strong and clear and Jaggar heard it clearly through the haze of the beast’s fractured mind. He got the idea that the beast did also, and that something passed between the beast and the engel. Respect flowed both ways. Whoa. Jaggar needed to talk to Graeme-

No, you’re out of the KSRT, remember? Graeme is not on your side anymore. You are an abomination. You are a beast. You are uncontrollable. You can’t be trusted and you shouldn’t be here.

But Leilani was here. Leilani had said his name.

He wanted that miracle. Wanted to hear her explanation. Maybe she could somehow convince him that she didn’t want Harlan. Maybe… His mind played over the possibilities as the beast picked up speed, heading down the path to the main house.

But each possibility always ended the same way. Even if he could get past the fact that his mate had kissed his friend, he’d never get past the fact that his friend had kissed his mate. Harlan was still a member of the KSRT, still had a job and a purpose and a community standing that made sense. Jaggar had nothing but his animal he couldn’t talk to, couldn’t communicate with, and his disgraced status as a suspended KSRT member, soon to be fired, then jailed. He was a criminal now, and that was not fixable.

Mentally, Jaggar wrestled with the beast again. We can’t offer her anything. We’re leaving and we’re never coming back.

But ahead of him, silver light flashed and he saw her.

Leilani.

She was dressed in simple black leggings that only reached down to her calf and a plain pink t-shirt, with no shoes. Her dark hair flowed out behind her, making her look like an island princess, sweet and beautiful. She stood on the grass behind the main house, her head swinging from side to side as if she was trying to decide which way to go.

Silver light flooded out of her eyes, bathing her face, making her look impossibly young and fragile in the dusk of the evening.

People streamed out of the house, some coming from the patio door, some from the window to Trent’s room, big males hopping out and running for his mate.

“Grab her,” a male yelled.

The beast snarled and ran for them. The first to lay a finger on her would die a painful death.

The beast stopped dead in his tracks.

Eventine. She was knocking heads, getting between males and Leilani. “Don’t touch her!”

It couldn’t be.

But it was.

Alive, exactly the way he remembered her.

Eventine. The beast faltered. Jaggar reeled. Eventine was dead. He’d finally cracked-up, the ever-present pain had finally broken him.

Jaggar, wait, a voice said. Nowl leapt over him on the edge of the forest path, getting in between him and his mate. The beast swiped at Nowl with one misshapen paw, claws extended, but Nowl was quick.

Nowl turned, nipped at him, then twisted and got in his way again. The beast ran him right over, slashing and biting as he passed. Words came at Jaggar but he wasn’t able to interpret them in his dismay and confusion.

Eventine.

Jaggar’s heart stuttered as he grappled with what he was seeing.

A patrol officer came in fast from the left, sprinting out of the forest, taking a chance and getting a hand on Leilani’s elbow. The night flashed silver.

Jaggar’s confusion was forgotten as the beast snarled and launched himself for the patrol officer and Jaggar lent his strength to the attempt.

But Leilani was gone.

***

The beast ran through the spot where Leilani had been, scattering males left and right. He caught her scent, a sweet butter-frosting scent that made him want to close his eyes and savor it. Instead, he headed into the woods on the other side of the yard.

She was there, just inside the first path, looking like a wood nymph or a forest dryad, so lovely, but fragile.

“Jaggar,” she said again, her voice soft, her arms out, like she was looking for him. Silver light spilled from her eyes and he realized all at once that she couldn’t see.

Blind.

Blind. His mate had been hurt, and if he could, he would go back in time and kill that male again and suffer this same fate again, if it gave her some small measure of peace to know that male was gone, Jaggar and the beast would both do it again.

I’m here, he tried to tell her. Had she turned toward him?

Nowl was behind him, on his tail. The beast dug his claws into the dirt of the path and skidded to a stop, twisting his big body around to face Nowl.

The beast spoke in ruhi, a grating, halting voice that made Jaggar sick to his stomach and made Nowl wince, his ears twitching. No one touches her.

We want to help, Nowl said, as Eventine and the others ran up the trail behind Nowl.

The beast lowered his head. No one touches her. Especially you.

Eventine made her way past Nowl holding her hands up to him. “Leilani, can you hear me?”

Leilani spoke from behind the beast, her voice soft and dreamy. “Eventine?”

The beast shook his head and made a breaking-glass noise.

“It’s a long story. Jaggar, are you in there? Do you have any control?”

Jaggar couldn’t begin to try to answer that question. He was still reeling. The beast answered, though. He snarled and nodded his head “yes”.

Eventine breathed easier, then looked over the beast’s head. “Leilani, what do you want? It’s up to you.”

“Jaggar,” Leilani whispered, and Jaggar’s heart split open just a little bit.

“Got it. We will leave you alone, but we are all here for you, both of you,” Eventine said. “Jaggar, we need to talk. Cabin number six is empty and has clothes that will fit you. Call me when you’re ready.”

Eventine backed down the trail, pushing people behind her. They disappeared around a bend in the path. Jaggar had no doubt they were watching. That’s what he would do, because the beast couldn’t be trusted. But they’d left him so close to Leilani. They shouldn’t have. He wasn’t safe. He was an abomination.

He sensed Leilani coming near him on the trail. The beast shivered as the wind ruffled just the tips of his fur, and then her hand was on his back, almost too light to feel.

But she was touching him.

The beast had never been touched. He liked it so much. Jaggar closed his eyes against the flood of feelings that washed over him at his mate’s touch on his animal.

Mine! rolled through the beast’s head and he pulled away from Leilani, roaring like a lion, or maybe a freaking dinosaur. Jaggar had never heard a noise quite like that. Jaggar held his breath and wished it had been him that she had touched first. Knock it off, beast, you’re going to scare her.

The silver light flooded the path as she breathed his name again, hands held out in front of her, groping blindly.

Shit! She couldn’t see and the beast had left her.

Get back to Leilani, now.

He didn’t know if the beast had heard or not, but it had the same idea. It turned to Leilani on the trail and faced her, his face almost in line with hers. The beast was big. Leilani was not.

She waited, her eyes open wide, her expression lost, her hands reaching out blindly.

The beast walked right up close to her and made a noise. Not a growl. Not a snarl. Not a purr. A rough engine on a stuttering idle, but Jaggar got the idea it was the gentlest sound he could make. The silver from Leilani’s eyes hurt the beast’s eyes, spreading pain through his head and down his neck into his body. Jaggar felt it, but only superficially, like it wasn’t happening to him. The beast didn’t pull back, didn’t react at all. He bore the pain.

Take me to church, Jaggar whispered, his mind laser-focused in a moment, the pain falling away from the beast slightly. Be good to her, he told the beast as he repeated his mantra in the back of his mind, trying to lock away the beast’s pain. Be gentle and soft. Don’t scare her, please don’t scare her.

The beast made that non-purr again. Assent?

Leilani’s expression softened slightly. “Oh,” she said, and her hands moved in to either side of the beast’s head.

“Can I touch you?” she said softly, already doing so.

Yes, Jaggar thought at her wildly. Of course you can. We belong to you. Touch me. Yes, yes.

“Oh,” she said, when her fingers found fur. “Jaggar,” she breathed. “Hi.” Was she blushing?

Hi, he thought back, projecting his voice out as hard as he could but he saw no sign that she heard.

Jaggar lost his mantra as she touched his animal softly. His thoughts went fluid, liquid, as he and the beast both responded to her touch. It was good, so good, pleasure from her touch almost crowding out the pain of their being. Jaggar wanted so much more, he wanted a lifetime of his mate’s skin against his.

She moved her fingers over his head, feeling it, feeling every disgusting lump and bump, but her lips curled in a bit of a smile. Her right hand found an ear and traced it, making the beast shiver.

She moved her hands along its face ever so softly. The beast held so still. “Oh,” she said again, her face pointed at him, that silver light spilling out at him. It turned her from beautiful into something too awesome to look at for long. But he wouldn’t tear the beast’s eyes away even if he could.

She ran her hands over both ears, then down his neck, tracing his muscles under his fur. “You’re so strong,” she said. She brought her fingers back up to his face, caressing his lips and chin, then touching one errant tooth. Abomination, he thought. But she didn’t seem to mind the way his teeth stuck out at odd angles.

The beast made that sound like a running engine being smashed to the pavement. Leilani half-smiled. The beast made another noise and Leilani’s smile widened, a true smile that touched her sightless but stunning eyes. Dusk turned to dark slowly around them as she felt carefully with her bare feet on the trail, walking around him, touching his long body, all the way down to his misshapen tail. Jaggar could feel that it was nothing like a fanned out wolf tail, and also nothing like a sleek catamount tail and he hated it. Ugly. Abomination. Should not have been allowed to live. Never should have been allowed to shift.

The words he’d heard all of his life filtered through his consciousness. He ignored them, grasping for his mantra again.

Leilani crossed behind the beast. The beast trembled at her nearness. She knelt, taking her hand down one of his legs. He retracted his claws quickly. Her fingers found his foot and the pads, touching the very tip of one claw.

The look of wonder and acceptance on her face changed to fear and Jaggar knew she was remembering what he had done to Harlan and he knew there was nothing he could do to take that memory away from her. He felt sick, not knowing what to do, how to get the moment back, the good moment where she touched him and accepted him.

The beast knew what to do. It dropped to its belly, rolling over on its back, making that thick, sick-engine noise again so she would know where he was. Jaggar rolled with the beast, not daring to hope…

Leilani reached her hand out and found one paw. She ran her fingers over the paw again, staying clear of the tips of his claws.

“I want to know you,” she said.

Her eyes flashed silver, filling the woods with their light. Jaggar’s head felt like it was splitting open in unimaginable pain, worse than any he’d felt before.

They traveled.