36 – Shut this Place Down

Timber mimed slamming an old-style phone down on its base. “Eventine says we can go home. The end of the world is postponed a night or two because the smell was nothing but a fox family that moved in under one of the cabins.” He motioned to the screens. “Turn this shit over to dispatch.”

That night lasted forever.

“Bro. You are not fucking lying.”

An alarm sounded. Timber and Canyon both scrambled to their computers.

Trent, Canyon said.

A news story about a wolf that had been caught on a trail-cam, taking down a deer. Their wolf. Wolf 477.

“Oh no,” Timber said, his eyes on the screen that was showing the news website’s video. A deer lay calmly in front of the trail-cam, looking around with big doe eyes.

“No,” Timber said again. “Tell me he doesn’t do it.”

Don’t look, Canyon warned.

Trent shot in from the left, on a crash course with the deer, and Canyon covered his own eyes. He did it! he shouted in ruhi. Fucking savage. Canyon snuck a peek then covered his eyes again, glad the camera didn’t have sound.

He’s eating, he told his brother. The cat’s there. The internet is freaking right the fuck out.

Timber made a retching sound. “Dude! How long has he been gone? Somebody send him a fucking care package! Skittles and pizza, stat! He’ll come to his senses.”

Poor Bambi’s mom, Canyon said sadly.

“Bambi’s mom died in the movie.”

Poor Bambi’s mom’s cousin.

“Dude, could you even do it? Like, could you get all up in there and just… eat it? That’s some survivor-level shit.”

Canyon snuck a look at his brother. He had his hands up between him and the screen and was very carefully not looking at it.

No way, I prefer spaghetti.

“Less gristle.”

I wonder what Troy thinks.

“Speak of the devil,” Timber said, pointing to a tiny screen on his computer monitor. It showed Troy in a KSRT uniform but with no gun at his waist, coming in the door to the bunker.

Is he lurching less?

“Nah, just showing fewer teeth.”

It was true, he wasn’t smiling, he had a determined look on his face. Canyon chanced a look at Trent. He had the dead deer by the neck and was dragging it away from the camera’s sightline.

He disappeared, pulling the last deer hoof out of sight just as Troy came through the doorway next to all the monitors. Canyon and Timber both stared at him on the screen instead of looking at him in person. It was just something stupid they did.

“’Sup,” Timber said, nodding at Troy on the monitor.

‘Sup,’ Canyon repeated, doing the same.

I need your help, Troy said in ruhi, lurching through the room, throwing strange glances at them. He sat in a chair off to the side. Canyon gave up their game and looked at him questioningly.

I need to meet some women, and no one else will take me out.

Timber spun his chair to face Troy. “Dude, it’s 6:30 in the morning. Women don’t like to fuck this early, believe me. You gotta sneak up on them at this hour and for that, you need to already have them in bed. Let us get some sleep and we’ll take you out tonight, and you can sneak up on her tomorrow morning.” Timber nodded several times and gave Troy a meaningful look as he said, “tomorrow morning.”

Troy shook his head and growled at them, including Canyon in it, like he’d had anything to do with that speech. That’s not it. I don’t need your help picking up women. They like me just fine, but I need some fucking clothes. All I have is these uniforms.

Timber leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on his desk. “Chicks dig uniforms, believe me. You go out in that and you won’t have any problem finding someone to slip those handcuffs on.”

Are you ever fucking serious? Troy snarled. Are you going to help me or not?

Canyon grunted. What about Trent? he said.

“Yeah, what’s up with Trent?” Timber repeated.

Troy shook his head, like he’d had this conversation way too often lately. I’m telling you the same thing I told everyone else. He’s good. Seriously. I know my brother. I can feel him. He ain’t talking, but he’s like that. He’s serious and likes to keep to himself until he knows for absolutely sure what is going on. He’s fine. I can feel it. He’s good. He’s happy, even.

“You didn’t see him chewing on that deer.” Timber said, and shivered. He pointed to the still video on the wall of monitors, where blood spray on the leaves hinted at what had happened.

Troy looked, then shrugged slowly, awkwardly, like he had to think about how to do it. What the fuck? You never killed and ate anything raw?

Timber laughed. “Are we talking about sex? I have to know, because if we are I’ve got an answer all lined up for you. If we’re not, I’m pouting.”

Canyon grunted.

Timber nodded and pointed at Canyon. “See, he says he likes his meals either barbequed, or riding his face.”

Troy got up and grabbed for Timber. Don’t you get it! I’ve never had an opportunity to have a meal ride my face.

Whoa, emotional much, Troy? Canyon said, laughing. Shifted Troy was even more fun than stuck-as-a-wolf Troy. Shifted-Troy snarled at him.

Timber made a show of disengaging Troy’s fingers, then brushing the wrinkles out of his shirt. Finally, he addressed Troy. “Dude. Since you put it that way, let’s go.”

I’ll meet you at home, Canyon said, yawning.

“Fuck that, broster, you gotta drive us to the Army.”

Army?

“Yeah, the Salvation Army, you know, the biggest clothing store in town.” Timber watched Troy carefully for his reaction.

Canyon gave up. He was too tired to fuck with anyone, but Timber’s motto was never sleep when you can fuck… or fuck with. Whatever. It could be fun.

He dug his keys out of his pocket.

Troy nodded. Good, thank you. His eyes were glued to Canyon’s keys.

Canyon shrugged, eye-balling Troy who was still eye-balling his keys.

Can’t drive yet?

Troy frowned. Trevor says I’m banned from trying. I can’t keep myself from slamming the pedal down to the floor every time we get in it.

You and me both, Canyon said. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

***

They got out of the car at the Salvation Army and Canyon kept waiting for Troy to call them on their bullshit, but he wasn’t even paying attention where he was walking. His head was on a swivel and his eyes were glued to every passing woman.

Damn, she’s sexy. She’s sexy. Her, too, he said.

“You have literally said that about every woman you’ve seen since we left,” Timber hissed at him.

Troy grinned. Yeah, this town is full of hotties. I’ve never noticed before.

He growled and pointed out another woman who was heading in the door.

“Troy, she’s pushing sixty years old. You’re like thirty, right?”

She’s hot.

Timber shook his head and looked skyward. “So we’re just gonna skip cougar and go straight to GILF, is that what’s happening here?”

Canyon pushed at Troy. If you need a line, ask her if you can see her AARP card.

Timber laughed silently, his tongue clamped between his teeth, as he nodded at Canyon behind Troy’s back, huge, overstated, fuck-with-him-more nods, but when he spoke, his tone was completely conciliatory. “Don’t listen to him, Troy. Early bird specials don't start till four o’clock, it's still breakfast time. We'll come back to that.”

He steered Troy deep into the store, finding his size and showing him a few pieces of clothing. Canyon pushed a cart up next to him.

Troy pulled out an extra-large Transformer’s t-shirt. Cool! He put it in his basket.

“Perfect,” Timber said. “How ’bout this one?”

A wolfman bared his claws at them. Teen Wolf it said underneath.

Fuck, Troy said, grabbing it and throwing it in the cart. This place is gold. How come I don’t ever see any of you guys wearing this shit?

Canyon didn’t answer. He hit the women’s section instead.

Timber was firing responses into Canyon’s mind but keeping them from Troy.

Because the we don’t ‘love the eighties’.

Because we learned how to dress in elementary school.

Because we aren’t six and don’t need a sleeve to roll our inhalers up in.

Canyon snickered under his breath. It was going to be a challenge finding women’s clothing in Troy’s size, but if anywhere could manage it, the Salvation Army could. That place had everything under the sun. He found an over-sized faux fur coat. Perfect. He got it in Troy’s line of sight.

Fucking-A, Troy said, grabbing it and trying it on. That’s what I’m talking about. I won’t ever need to shift again. He threw it in the cart and turned back to the rack in front of him.

His mouth dropped open, forming an ‘O’ of surprise. He pulled out a Hawaiian shirt, light green with multi-colored palm fronds on it. He tried to whistle. No dice. He tried again, and again. He gave up and held the shirt up to Canyon. Magnum P.I. threads, he said, awe in his voice.

Canyon kept his face serious and nodded. Very cool.

Timber fell over in the aisle, muffling his laughter against the floor. He crawled between two clothing racks so Troy wouldn’t see him. Canyon crossed behind Troy. Found his brother on the floor. Aimed some kicks at his back.

Over the next hour, Troy filled his cart to overflowing, finding every Hawaiian shirt in the store that came close to fitting him, then he headed to the dressing room to try on some jeans.

Canyon made his way to a row of empty chairs near the exit. He dropped into one, and his brother sat in the one across from him. You gonna tell him? Canyon asked.

Timber shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s got style. That’s what it’s all about, right? Being true to yourself?”

He still could have had style if we would have taken him to Dillard’s.

“Fuck that, all their clothes are the same. You can’t find XL Teen Wolf t-shirts at Dillard’s.”

Canyon took a look over his brother’s shoulder at Troy, who wasn’t even in a dressing room yet. He was standing near the woman’s dressing room entrance, listening to two women. Cougars for sure with long hair and tight jeans. They were eyeing Troy like he was a pancake breakfast at iHop. As long as they weren’t married, that was probably ok… He let his eyes drift closed. He could sleep right here. The chair was uncomfortable as shit, but as long as it wasn’t on fire, he could… still… fall… asleep.

Canyon’s eyes shot open as he realized what the fuck he had just seen. He looked for Troy, searched for him. He was nowhere to be seen, and neither were the two women he’d been… talking to? Had he heard Troy say a word out loud yet?

Fuck! He shot to his feet and craned his neck. There, in the back was Troy opening a dressing room door and nodding like a bobblehead doll as both women entered in front of him. One of them pinched his cheek as she passed him. His smile got bigger and he squeezed in, shutting the dressing room door.

Oh shit. “Timber,” he said, out loud in desperation, then switching to ruhi for privacy. Man down. Situation critical. We are gonna get kicked the fuck out of the Salvation Army. He put his hands on his head. We’re gonna be on the fucking news. Trevor is going to kill us both, just take us out back and put us out of our misery.

Timber shot to his feet and turned around, looking for Troy. “Do not fucking tell me. The GILF?”

No, I don’t know. Does it matter? There were two of them. They are all in a dressing room.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Timber said, skirting the chairs and heading to the dressing rooms. Canyon followed. Timber checked under doors until he found the one with six legs. He turned around to Canyon, eyes wide, slashing his hands apart in a wide X. It’s too fucking late. Shut this place down.

Canyon felt in his pocket for his badge. Trevor was going to kill them first, then Wade, then probably Eventine. He’d never had the pleasure of getting his ass kicked by a female, so at least he had that to look forward to.

He held his badge up and started banging on dressing room doors. “Everybody out. It’s a raid. Drop your purchases and assemble on the fire exit ramp outside with your IDs out.”

Timber gawked at him. Dude, what are you doing?

I don’t fucking know. Shutting the place down.

Timber shook his head violently. “Where’d you go to recruit class?” he hissed. “21 Jump Street?” He dug for his own badge, his face pissed, his control shredded. Canyon held in his laughter and tried to stay serious. Shit like this was why Wade didn’t let them out of the fucking tunnels.

Timber raised his badge high, projecting his voice. “You heard the officer. Out of the Army, right now! That means you, Ma’am.” He motioned in a wide arc through the store, catching as many ma’ams as possible.

Canyon hid behind a wall, snickering. They were going to be on the news, and he needed to find his game face. Problem was, in order to do that, he needed to get the fuck away from his village idiot brother.