CHAPTER NINETEEN
Charles was on his knees in the library, his eyes fixed on the portrait which hung above the fireplace. His attitude was almost one of prayer, but the thoughts flying through his mind were far from prayerful. Sarah's kind blue eyes gazed down upon him, beautiful but bland, entirely unaware of the pain that lanced through him every time he looked into them.
She sat on the grass, frozen in time, ageless and untouched by fear or pain. She was surrounded by flowers. Flowers which did not belong together. He remembered the painter's confusion when they had given him their instructions. Wild summer roses, autumn honeysuckle, red berried holly, and spring snowdrops. Chiltern Forest was not renowned for its flowers, but there was one place where the sun always seemed to shine and the flowers grew. A place of late season honeysuckle, fragrance and sweet. A place where the holly always burst with bright red berries. The first place in the forest where the snowdrops grew, every year in February.
The place he had asked Sarah to be his wife.
Seeing that snowdrop in Julia's hair had given him the fright of his life. There was only one place it could have come from; a place he had not been since Annabelle was born. A dagger of guilt twisted in his heart. How had she found it? How could he have allowed Julia to trespass on that place that was sacred to Sarah's memory?
"Oh, Sarah, forgive me," he whispered. "I should have walled the place off and thrown away the key. I should never have allowed anyone to go there again."
Sarah's blue eyes did not change. She was as peaceful as ever. Charles envied her painted tranquillity. How long had he spent yearning for some tranquillity of his own, yet never coming close to it?
But you have found peace, a treacherous voice whispered at the back of his mind. Peace, and even more. You have found Julia.
He glanced up, afraid, and found the painting still smiling at him benevolently. He had marvelled at that portrait when it was first made. It represented Sarah so accurately. Her beauty, her placidity, her kindness.
She was such a generous soul. And he had never given her the love she deserved. Now that he truly understood what love was, the passion that flared in his heart like a forest fire, he knew that Sarah had needed so much more than he was ever able to give her.
Does that mean you will deny Julia the same opportunity? inquired that inner voice.
Charles got to his feet. Light was beginning to dawn on his torment, as faint and as lovely as the first tendrils of sunrise on the horizon.
Sarah had been a good friend and a good wife, nothing more. It was too late now to change that. Julia – Julia waited for him, yearned for him, adored him with the same fierceness he felt for her.
And Sarah was gone; really, truly gone. He hoped that, wherever she was, she was happy. He would always pray for her happiness, her peace.
But he owed her nothing more than that. He was finished being faithful to a ghost.
At first, he had taken the snowdrop in Julia's hair as a sign from Sarah. Perhaps he had been right. But it was not a sign of her condemnation. She had loved the snowdrops. Her daughter had given one to Julia.
It was time to make Julia the new centre of his life. To make her Annabelle's mother. To make her his Marchioness.
Charles rubbed a handkerchief over his face, removing all traces of the tears he had not even known were falling. He tucked it back into his pocket and set off upstairs with a firm resolve.
Julia answered the moment he knocked on her bedroom door. Her cheeks were pale; he could not imagine what she had been thinking when he had stormed off earlier.
Without another word, he sank down onto one knee.
"Julia," he said, his voice calm and clear, "I have asked you this question before. This time, I will accept only one answer. I know that you love me. Until today, I was not able to fully give you my heart, and I think you were not fully able to give me yours. That has changed now. I am prepared to dedicate my life to you, no matter what the consequences may be. I understand why you could not accept me before, and I am telling you plainly that the circumstances of your birth and the behaviour of your brother mean absolutely nothing in the face of my love for you. You are afraid of what society will make of an illegitimate girl from Seven Dials as a Marchioness – well, let me tell you: you will be universally adored. Your past and your family need never be publically known. I will keep your secret forever, my Julia, and whatever the consequences may be, we can weather them together. Here, in Chiltern, I want to build for you the life we have both dreamed of." He took her hand in his. "Will you be my wife?"
"You know who I truly am now," stammered Julia, astonished. "Do you really mean it? You will really have me as your Marchioness?"
"I will not settle for less," said Charles, rising to his feet. He kissed her before even waiting for her response. She kissed him back forcefully, their lips locked in a battle they were both winning. When she finally broke away, Julia managed only one word.
"Yes."