CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Reagan
Chris had never once complained about me being in his space the whole week and a half— so far— I had been there. In truth, I was loving it. It was enough space for me to breathe and I didn’t have to walk down those damn stairs at Nan’s and relive it each time. Brand was pretty much living on the couch and the three of us got along so well. I felt like Chris enjoyed the company as much as I needed it.
I decided it was time. I was going to go back to work. I knew Chris had the night off and was in the city on some date he got off the Internet or something. I wasn’t all that sure about it. But hey, if he was happy about it then I would be too, for him. I didn’t grow up with technology in my back pocket, so I wasn’t really savvy on the ways of that world. Sure, I had a not too long ago gotten a smart phone, but the most I did was look up movie times and play silly games. I realized that for a twenty-three-year-old, it was pretty sad. Anyway, with Chris being off, I knew Nate would be at the bar and I could talk to him about coming back.
I dressed in my usual work attire. A vintage rock tee, black skinny jeans that looked like they were shredded to pieces, and my boots. I put my hair in a high ponytail. I did my makeup, thankful that most everything was healed and there wasn’t much to cover up.
I hopped in the car, thinking how I was actually grateful now that Nate bought the damn thing for me. I wondered what even happened to my old one. I hoped the boys had lit it on fire and roasted marshmallows over it. The images of that night threatened to come spilling into my mind. I did my best to stomp them all down.
I headed over to the bar, pulling into the empty lot right as the clock on my dash turned five. I took in a deep breath, wishing it would give me courage before I opened the car door and stepped out. The gravel crunching under my feet didn’t drown out my hammering heartbeat. I was practically shaking with the thought of seeing Nate. I was scared and excited all at the same time. And if I was being honest, I missed him. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even want him after the way he had treated me. The way he abandoned me. Or so I felt. He pretty much left me when I needed him the most. But then again, I before all of this I wasn’t even sure that I meant something to him. I let out a heavy sigh as I pulled open the door.
There he was, sitting at the end of the bar wearing his worn jeans and cut, looking just as sexy as I remembered him. His eyes immediately looked to mine but I couldn’t read his expression. Anger? Surprise? Hurt? I had no idea. He stood up as I shuffled my way over to him. We stood awkwardly a few feet apart. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his arms but I held back. The seconds ticked on in a heavy silence.
He looked different, yet still familiar. His hair was a bit longer. His eyes looked tired and a little broken. I wondered if there was something that went on while I was stuck in my hole. Or, perhaps it had everything to do with me. I had no clue at all and I was too scared to ask. He still looked like my strong knight, though, and I longed to be the princess that he kissed.
“I’m here to work,” I finally said. “If you still want me that is.” Yes, my words were meant to be taken more than one way.
“Are you sure?” he asked as his body softened a little. “You don’t have to. Chris and I have it handled.” I shook my head and threw up my arms in frustration.
“I don’t need kid gloves, Loch.” He flinched at the use of his road name. Maybe that had been a bit too much but I was a little pissed off. I knew he had the guys looking out for me. I had my suspicions that he had Brand watching over me. That was the reason Brand had been around all the time. But he hadn’t been there.
He let out a long sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. I started to think it was a bad idea that I was there.
“All I want to go on with my life,” I continued. “I need and want to work and forget what happened. I want things to feel normal again. I need things to be like they were.” Again, I wasn’t just talking about the job. Even if I was hurt and mad at him, I needed him. He gave me a firm nod and I wasn’t sure if he was grasping what I was telling him. I left the door open, it was his choice to walk through it or not.
“Okay,” he said after a beat. “Then get to it. Everything is stocked right now. I’ll be in the office.” He turned and walked away.
Guessed he wasn’t going to walk through it after all. A few tears ran down my face. I quickly shook them off and took my place behind the bar, waiting for someone to walk in so I could serve them. I decided I was going to let Nate be. I wouldn’t go anywhere near that office and all the sexy memories it held.
About an hour later, the familiar rumble of a few motorcycles broke through the stillness of the bar. I smiled, actually excited to see the guys. The door pulled open and the loud chatter filled up the silence around me. They all stopped short when they saw me behind the bar. I smiled wider as I cocked my hip.
“Are you boys drinking, or what?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Hell yeah!” Bocca yelled out from the back. I lifted up on my toes trying to see him over the others. Everyone moved in and crowded around the bar as I started throwing down opened beers.
After everyone gave me their welcome back hugs or shoulder squeezes, they headed off. They broke into scattered, little groups. It all felt normal. Exactly what I needed. Bocca lingered, taking a seat in front of me. And to my surprise, Diesel took a seat too.
“So, did I miss anything good?” I asked.
The quick eye cut they gave each other wasn’t lost on me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but I knew better than to ask. I sighed internally. I had come to love these guys, each in a different way. And if something were to happen to them, I would be crushed. Flashes of what had recently happened to Bocca played in my mind. While I didn’t know the exact details, I knew he went on a ride perfectly fine and came home with two bullet wounds. And from the way I found Nate after it happened, it was a hard hit to all of them. Something bad was coming, I could almost smell it in the air.
“Nothing much. So, you back now?” Bocca said shifting in his seat.
“Looks that way. I figured you boys were missing my awesome face behind the bar.”
“And he let you come back?” Bocca asked giving me a pointed look.
“He doesn’t seem much to care. And besides, you think I would let him tell me no?” I wasn’t able to hide the bitterness from my tone. “He’s been hiding in the office since I basically told him I wasn’t leaving.” I gave a shrug.
Brand showed up a little later and I made him go hang out. He had pretty much been around me twenty-four seven and I knew he was missing his brothers. It didn’t go unnoticed to me that he always had an eye on me, and every time I smiled and shook my head at him. I don’t think I would have made it to this point if it wasn’t for him. He had been there for me at every moment, every breakdown. He always seemed to know the right thing to do and he never pushed me too far.
It was a good night. If any of them felt pity for me, they hid it well. They treated me just like they had before it all happened. Nate came out a while later. He didn’t say anything to me. In fact, it felt like he was doing his best to avoid me. One time I handed him his beer and his fingers lingered against mine as he grabbed it. His eyes lifted to look at me and a shiver broke throughout my body. I was the first to look away. It was almost too intense and confusing. The emotions that surrounded us were suffocating. But I couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad. I knew I would most likely end the night curled up in bed and crying about it all.
By the time I got home I was exhausted. Brand followed me back and settled himself on the couch once we were inside. I nodded letting him know I was spent and heading to bed. He returned it and I heard him settle in and click on the TV as I shuffled to my room.
Seeing Nate was too much and I was amazed I was able to hold it together as long as I did. I stripped down to my shirt and flopped onto the bed. The tears began to fall before my head even hit the pillow. I needed to let go. I needed a way to let go of him. Because at that moment, I had no idea how to begin. Being around him brought back every feeling and everything we had shared. The memories of all the times we’d spent together played like a movie in my head the whole night. One that, weeks ago, I would have sworn had a happy ending. But now it just felt like a chapter in the middle of a book that I desperately needed to end.
The next morning I woke to the smell of bacon and eggs. I made my way to the kitchen and found Chris and Brand making breakfast side by side. Brand still in his clothes from last night, or they could have been clean. Truthfully, all his clothes looked the same. His cut was hanging over his white shirt. Chris was in a pair of yellow boxers that had little palm trees over them. I giggled and brought my hand up covered my mouth. Both of them turned to me looking like they had gotten caught. Chris shrugged it off. Brand plated some food and brought it to me. He kissed my hair line and mumbled good morning as I took it. A gesture I wasn’t sure what to do with. But it didn’t go unnoticed to me that my eyes involuntarily closed as his lips met my skin.
“I’ve got to head to the clubhouse for most of the day,” Brand said as we finished eating. I nodded, wiping my mouth and trying quickly to swallow the last bite of food.
“I’m gonna swing by Nan’s here in a bit. I miss the old bat. I figured I’d spend most of the day there.” I paused for a moment. “You know you don’t have to be here. Not that I don’t appreciate it! But I’m okay.” I meant it. I was going to make it through. I just needed to take it one step at a time.
Brand looked down and shrugged. I felt like he wanted to say more but I had no idea what. Chris sat there watching the two of us with sharp eyes. Brand’s eyes looked up to meet mine and I swallowed slowly.
“I know he told you to watch me. To stay with me,” I said referring to Nate. I wasn’t positive that he had but the look on Brand’s face said it was true. I was torn between being angry and feeling protected. “You can tell him I said to go to hell.”
“No way would I ever say that to him,” he said with a cocked brow. “And I don’t mind being here. I’m here for you for anything, all you have to do it say it. Anyway, gotta do some tattoos on the brothers today. I’ve been putting it off. Call me for anything. Otherwise, see you tonight.”
“Hey, wait,” I called as he started to walk away. He turned and looked at me, hands tucked deep in his pockets. “I want one.” The words flew out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. A smile spread across his face, his sexy dimples on full display.
“Yeah? Are you ready now?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I am.”
“Cool. Come by the clubhouse later, then.” With that, he was gone.
“You’re really going to get a tattoo today?” Chris said, eyeing me with surprise.
“Yep.” I stood up and bounced off to my room. I had no idea what I was going to get but I had half a day to think about it.
“Hey Nan,” I called out as I walked into the front door of her house. She came out from the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel. A wide smile spread across her face as she saw me and I felt bad that I hadn’t spent more time with her lately.
“Oh, Reagan,” she said pulling me into her arms and squeezing me in a tight hug. “Come sit down.”
“I’ve missed you,” I blurted out turning into a weeping mess. My body shook and she guided me to the couch and held me until the tears stopped.
“I’ve missed you too dear, but I understand needing to be away from here.” She smoothed my hair as I took a deep breath.
“Everything is so messed up. I want to go on with my life but I can’t seem to find all the pieces to put myself back together.” I paused and blew my nose with the tissue she handed to me. “I’m so scared and lost and alone. I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help but feel like I did this to myself. And on top of it all, the one person who I want by my side is the furthest away from me. I feel like everything is slipping away and I have no control.” She took a moment to collect her thoughts.
“First, what happened to you was a terrible thing. But you are right, none of it is your fault. That man was fucking crazy and you can’t change crazy. He made it up in his mind on what he wanted to do with you a long time ago. And there was no way to know he was going to do that.” She patted my hand. “I know you must have been scared. I get that is why you kept it a secret. But know that no matter what, you have people that are here for you. That will do anything for you.”
“I know.” I nodded my head. “I know and I should have trusted in you and even in Nate but I didn’t want to pull anyone else into my mess.”
“You have two roads ahead of you,” she said and I knew the wise wisdom was about to flow. I sat up, ready to take in every word of it. “One is dark, and will only bring you a life of regret that will eventually turn into hate and eat you alive. The other is to the light. But to take this path you must leave everything behind. Take what you can out of everything that has ever happened to you and find the strength in it to live.”
I sat there, my mind going a million different directions, as I took in her words. I processed everything and tried to find a way to live and move on.
That was the end of the heavy talk. She fed me cookies until I felt like my insides were turning into sugar. I left her house hours later. Standing at my car, I took in a deep breath of fresh air. Then I headed to the clubhouse, to start my journey of letting everything go so I could fly into the light.
A prospect I somewhat recognized waved me in as he opened the gate. I was suddenly nervous as I pulled into the clubhouse lot. I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to be there. Then again, Brand had told me to come by. I wondered if Nate was around. I had only been there once and that was before things went south. I parked my car and stood tall as I got out. I walked in with purpose. I was a girl on a mission and no one was going to get in my way.
“Holy shit!” Bocca called out from the middle of the room as I walked through the door. “Must be my lucky day.” He ran over and gave me a big hug. A few of the other guys crowded around and pulled me in for hugs too. I welcomed them all and I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. Not that I wanted to. I glanced around and didn’t see Nate. I breathed a tiny sigh of relief. I was sure that if I saw him I wouldn’t back out of my plan and everything would crumble.
“Brand told me to come get some ink,” I said after all the greetings were done. Bocca and Diesel cocked a questioning brow. I shrugged.
“This way, doll.” I followed Bocca to one of the halls. He tapped on the first door on the left then pushed it open. Brand sat there hunched over a sketchbook on a table in the far corner. When he turned around and saw me, he flashed a wide smile.
“You came.” He sounded surprised. I told myself there was no backing out now.
“I’m here,” I said as I stepped into his room.
I sat down and told him what I wanted, making sure to not leave out any detail that I had in my mind. He sat and made a rough sketch as I rattled off everything. I won’t lie, I was a bit nervous about telling Brand my idea. I knew the inspiration behind it wouldn’t be lost on him. When I got to that specific detail that I knew would give me away, I watched for his reaction. He cut his eyes up and cocked a brow. But it was all gone in a flash and his attention back on the paper. After I was done, I sat back and waited for whatever was to come next.
“Do you trust me?” he asked, standing up and looking down at me. I nodded as I swallowed hard. “I’m going to freehand it on you. Okay?”
“Okay.” I sounded mousey even to my ears.
He cocked a half-smile at me and gestured for me to lie down on the reclined chair. I pulled my shirt over my head. Once I was laying on my stomach, I unclasped my bra, letting the straps hang down loosely at my sides. I took deep calming breaths as he set everything up. I jumped a little when the cool liquid hit my skin as he wiped the spot down.
“Sorry, I know it’s cold,” he whispered as my skin prickled under his gloved fingers. He sat down and scooted closer to me, tattoo gun in hand and ready to go. “You know, some say that it’s bad luck and doomed to end if to get someone’s name tattooed on you.”
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing this is my way of letting it go,” I said in a flat voice.
Without another word, the buzz of the gun kicked on and I tried to relax and prepare for a feeling I’d never had.
A couple hours later it was over and I realized that after the first twenty minutes it wasn’t that bad. Band wiped me down again, then took off his gloves and gave my shoulder a firm squeeze. I was practically jumping out of my skin with excitement. I couldn’t wait to see it.
“Ready?” he asked helping me up. My hand went to the front of my bra to hold it in place as he guided me in front of a full-length mirror on the wall. I looked over my shoulder and saw something even more beautiful than the picture in my head.
On the back of my left hip sat a big puddle. The water was shaded so well it looked real. I could almost see the ripples being made by the breeze. In the middle of the puddle sat a barren tree. The trunk was thick and dark. The brown almost seeming black. The branches reached out on all different directions. And as they went on they began to change. The tips became dark and started changing into dots that spilled outward. The dots grew larger and to morphed into wings and then silhouettes of birds in flight. The last bird was the biggest. It sat right above my shoulder blade. Its wings were wide and it was flying straight up. It was free.
I searched in the middle of the trunk of the tree. There it was, sitting right in the middle, was a huge knot. If you looked hard enough there in the knot sat the letter N, twisted and coiled like it belonged there.
Nate had set me free in so many ways. I would forever be grateful for it. Even if it hurt that he wasn’t around, he managed to make me stronger at my weakest moments. I now knew the direction I was taking, the path I’d chosen. All I had to do now was to embrace my emotions and move forward.
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered. Tears streamed down my face as a wide smile slowly spread. “Thank you.” Brand flashed a quick smile and nodded. “You done here?”
“Yeah, just have to clean up then I’m heading out.”
“You coming…” I almost said home. Funny that’s how it felt, with me pretty much living at Chris’ and Brand there every night.
Brand slathered some ointment type stuff on my back. Then covered it lightly with plastic wrap.
“Yeah, I’ll head that way. Want me to make something for dinner?” I stifled a chuckle. This is what we had become and it felt natural. “I would suggest not wearing a bra for a few days, or if you have a loose one that would work better.”
“Sounds good,” I said as I turned away from him and slid into my shirt. I opened the door, holding my bra in my hand “Thanks again. It’s perfect.”
I stepped out of the room and nearly ran into Tammy. Not the person I wanted to see at that moment. Or ever. My hands went out in front of me bracing for impact. She stepped back and looked me up and down as a crooked smile crept up her face as she looked over my shoulder at Brand.
“Well, look at you,” she said, her tone vicious. “Looks like you move fast. But not as fast as Loch. Seems like he isn’t thinking of you, after all.”
I lunged at her. But before I could reach her, Brand’s arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me back into his chest and held me tight. I was seeing red. I was hurt and pissed off. All I wanted to do was rip her head clean off.
“She’s not worth it,” Brand whispered against my ear. I sagged, realizing he was right. “Get the fuck outta here!” he growled at Tammy. She threw one last smirk at me and sauntered off down the hall.
“Sorry,” I mumbled a bit embarrassed that I had let her get to me.
“Don’t be.” He released his hold on me and I took a step away. “Go home, I’ll be right behind you.” I nodded and all but ran out of the clubhouse. I felt like I couldn’t breathe until I was pulling out of the front gate.
I wondered if the only reason she had said that was to try and get me. I knew deep down that had to be the case. But thoughts of her and Nate together stabbed me in the chest like a dull knife. If we weren’t going to be together, I knew it would have to happen eventually. I wouldn’t doubt it would be her or any of the other club girls, but I didn’t need it thrown in my face like that.
Later that night, after Brand and I made dinner and cleaned up after, I proposed we do shots. It had been a crazy couple of months and it seemed to be the only logical thing to do. Drowning everything out in the happy bliss of alcohol was just what the doctor ordered. Right? After about ten minutes of me convincing Brand it was the best idea, he gave in and poured the first round. I was a little sad that Chris was at work and couldn’t join in on the fun.
“To…” I paused, thinking of the right thing as I held up my shot glass of vodka. “To new beginnings.” It was cheesy and unoriginal, but it was right.
It went on and on like this, with us talking in between stupid toasts. A few of which were just thrown in there for lack of anything better. After the fifth shot, I was blissfully warm and numb. I didn’t drink a lot, so I was a lightweight. Luckily, the room wasn’t spinning yet. I was glad I had a huge meal before starting. Chris walked in as I downed my sixth, and I swore my last, shot. He took in the scene before him and laughed hard. Plopping down on the couch, he proceeded to catch up to us. I kept watching Brand, who looked normal. I couldn’t even tell that he had been drinking. Then again, he did drink more often than I did.
“Okay, I’m off to bed,” Chris said after a while of us sitting around talking. He stood up and walked up the stairs with a slight wobble in his step. Brand finished off his beer. How he could drink eight shots and top it off with two beers was beyond me. He didn’t even sway as he stood up to pull me off the couch.
“Think you are done for too, missy.” He put his arm around me and guided me towards my room.
I wasn’t that drunk, or at least I didn’t think so. The room wasn’t spinning and I didn’t feel like I needed to run for the bathroom to empty my insides. I paused in the doorway to my room. I was tired of feeling sad and lonely. Mostly lonely. I hated that I had put so much into wanting and hoping for something with Nate that I didn’t even see the amazing person right in front of me. I turned into him and looked up into his sparkling eyes. Something danced just on the edge of his glance. Like there was something there that he was desperately trying to hide from me. Without even thinking about it, I grabbed the sides of his cut and pulled myself to him. My lips grazed his and he let out a soft sigh.
“Brand…” I whispered against his lips before I pushed mine against his.
I bounced off his closed lips a few times. I was about to back away, taking the hint that what I was doing wasn’t wanted. Then his arms went around my back. My body crashed into his and I wondered if he was going to open up for me. My hips flush with his and I could definitely feel how much he wanted it. He pushed his lips harder into mine. It felt good, but yet so wrong. But right when I felt his lips part for me, he pulled away with a jerk. He shook his head like he was shaking off a crazy idea. I sighed and hung my head, resting my forehead against his heaving chest.
“Fuck,” he breathed out. “Fuck!” he repeated again in a harsher tone that made me flinch a tiny bit. One of his hands moved to cradle the back of my head. “Reagan, there are so many reasons this is a bad idea. Most importantly, we both know I’m not the one you’re in love with. As much as I want this, I’m not going to stand in the way of your happiness.”
I nodded into his chest, knowing he was right. It was wrong of me to put him in that position and I wondered if we would be okay after this. He and Chris were pretty much my closest friends. I hoped I didn’t screw that up.
“It’s okay. Don’t over think it. I promise I won’t remember this in the morning,” he said in a light playful tone. I knew it wasn’t true but I still appreciated it. “Get to bed.”
“Will you…” I looked up at him feeling vulnerable. My eyes were glassy with unleashed tears. I didn’t want to be alone. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea at that moment, but I needed to be held. He looked down at me, waiting for me to continue. “Stay with me, please.”
He closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath before nodding. I moved to the bed, stretching out on top of the covers. Brand took off his cut and boots and then slid in behind me. His arm came around me and held me tight. I fell asleep not long after, wondering if he would still be there when I woke up. It didn’t feel romantic or sexual. It just felt warm.