16
Faye
M
y heart fluttered excitedly as I set the camera up on Kevin’s face. He was so handsome that it actually hurt, it gave my stomach such excitement that there was pain there too. Of course, it was mixed in with anxiety too, there was no denying that. How would I not feel all raw and messy when I’d just had very unwise sex with Kevin’s friend and team mate? It was so confusing. Of course, I didn’t expect everything to be changed around so soon afterwards, but here we were.
I knew that sleeping with Angelo wasn’t right, I’d sensed it right away, but I thought the worst part was being rejected by him, but now I could see it was him telling Kevin and putting him off me. After all, what I’d shared with Angelo was nothing more than a passing flirtation, a moment of indiscretion that went too far. Kevin was always the one I liked, he was the one I kissed before, he was the one I could actually see myself with. I just needed to forget about Angelo and hope he did me too.
“So, do you think maybe you could tell me more about yourself?” I asked nervously.
“What do you want to know?” he replied while purposely flexing his muscles. He pouted towards the camera which was unfortunate. It made him look dumb. Not that I was going to tell him that. Angelo did this much better because he was real and raw, he actually laid himself out on the line.
“Erm, well anything really. You could tell us about your daily routine, what makes you a good player? You could even talk about where you grew up… something like that.” I giggled inanely like an idiot. “Whatever you think the people who watch the channel would like to hear?”
“Oh well, I’m the best player because I’m strong.” He shrugged as if that statement was obvious. “And I’m smart too. I actually think about what I’m doing rather than some of the others who just get lucky.” He gave me a look, wanting me to ask who he meant which I wouldn’t. That sounded like bitchiness and I wouldn’t ever be party to that. Unfortunately, he didn’t need me to. “Like Angelo for example. He’s dumb as fuck, don’t you think? You just spent time with him.”
That felt like a challenge and it made me very uncomfortable. I tried to make it better by telling myself that maybe he was jealous of the friendship that me and Angelo had, but it didn’t work.
“This isn’t really my place to talk,” I shot back primly. “It’s all about you.”
“All about me? Well fine, maybe I’ll tell you what I think about all the other boys on the team? Will that work? Is that what people want to hear?” I shrugged, suddenly feeling a real sense of hollowness. “Fine, then I’ll start with Angelo and get onto the others afterwards…”
I tuned out as he talked, I could barely stand to listen to him bitch. I wasn’t sure how I would edit this to make it watchable, but I didn’t have any other choice. The mood that Kevin seemed to be in suggested that I wouldn’t be able to get anything else out of him. I would have to make the best of it.
“You know what? They’re holding a party for me in my honor.” Kevin suddenly talked louder to grab my focus. “We’re supposed to go anyway so you can get some footage of me, but do you want to go together?” He leaned back in his chair and winked at me. “Like as a date or something?”
Holy shit! This was what I’d been wanting for ages now, it was the final step to recovering from my past, but it felt a bit soon after me and Angelo. I really didn’t ever want to be that girl. But then again, if I didn’t say yes now would I lose out on my chance to do so?
I wanted to, I really did, but the idea of Angelo hating me for it was too much to bear.
“I, erm…” My voice felt sticky, like it didn’t quite want to get out of my throat. “I don’t know if I feel so good. Maybe I should just take a bit of footage and go back to my room.”
Kevin didn’t look put out by me rejecting him, if anything he looked even more pleased as if he liked the idea of a challenge. He nodded and extended out an arm to me for me to link it.
“I just need to pack up my equipment first,” I shot back rashly. “If I need to film you.”
I half expected him to help, but he didn’t. he simply shrugged and shoved his hands deep into his pocket. “Fine, whatever. Let’s do it quick though because I think we’re already late.”
I wanted to point out that was his fault for bitching on for such a long time but I didn’t. I sucked in a breath and gritted my teeth before getting on with it. Maybe this was just a funny moment, maybe Kevin was nervous to be on camera. I’d seen it before. Perhaps once he got used to it and he loosened up it would be okay. After all, I remembered when he kissed me all those months ago, and he was a really nice person back then. Sweet and kind. That version of him was still in there, I just needed to find it.
“Right, I’m ready, let’s get going,” I said in a bright tone of voice. “Let’s go and do this party.”
The nerves kicked in as we walked down the hall towards the party room. The fact that I hadn’t seen Angelo since we slept together weighed heavily on my mind. How was he going to react when he saw me? Maybe he was done with me now and he wouldn’t even look at me again.
That idea made me sad, I would really miss our friendship. It was unlikely and seemed to come from nowhere, but we had a good bond. I didn’t want that to go over one dumb mistake.
“Get the camera on,” Kevin snapped as we got close. “I want you to get my entrance.”
I rolled my eyes and did what he wanted already knowing this was going to be a disaster. Kevin acting like he was the most important person in the world wasn’t useful. No one would like that arrogance. But I couldn’t tell him, I just wouldn’t include it, that would be fine. I’d make up some reason why it really didn’t fit in to the rest the film. I could come up with a lie.
“Hello, losers!” he yelled as he slammed the doors wide open. “I am finally here.”
No one cheered, they barely even looked at him. Whatever vision Kevin had in his mind for this, it had fallen flat on it’s ass. As the wind howled through the air I was relieved for the good excuse not to have this in the video. I really didn’t want something so cheesy associated with my work.
I moved into the corner of the room and filmed Kevin from afar. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be to keep the camera only on him because there was someone else I wanted to see too. I kept scanning my eyes everywhere, searching for him, but Angelo wasn’t anywhere to be found.
He isn’t here because he hates me, I thought sadly to myself. He can’t even stand to look at me.
I flicked the camera off and made my way over to Kevin. He barely managed to drag his eyes away from his buddy to look at me for a second. “I have to go,” I told him. “I need to do the edits.”
I needed to go to the library to use the equipment there, but I wanted to go and see my friends first. As far as I knew, Tia and Rhiannon were in our room watching movies together. I hadn’t wanted to go because I had the much more exciting task of hanging around with Kevin to deal with… but now I wanted nothing more than to be with them, forgetting that any of this had ever happened.
Exhaustion flooded me as I stepped into the room, so much so that I almost wept when I saw my two friends sitting under the duvet on Tia’s bed. I felt foolish and sad, I’d jumped head first into a world that I didn’t really understand. It chewed me up and spat me out quickly, leaving me with my heart shattered. I wasn’t the sort of girl who could sleep with Angelo and hang out with Kevin either.
“Are you okay?” Tia asked, patting the space next to her on the bed. “You look like the constant partying is getting to you now. I don’t think that you’re built for it, are you?”
“No,” I admitted while collapsing next to her. “I don’t think I am either.”
We remained in silence for a while, all of us staring at the screen. The girls were watching some chick flick movie that I really didn’t need to watch all the way through to know what was going on. Girl meets boy, girl doesn’t like boy, girl realizes boy isn’t as bad as she thought and they fall in love. Voila. Instant happy ever after. The directors never bothered to show the sucky bit in the middle where it really hurt and all the girl wanted to do was curl up into a ball to cry and sleep.
“How did it go with Kevin?” Rhiannon finally asked. “That’s some editing you won’t mind doing.”
“Urgh. I don’t know, I think he was nervous and he acted like a massive jerk. It’s not going to be easy.” I rolled my eyes and tried my hardest to keep the tears inside. “But I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“He’s probably doing that classic hair pulling in the playground thing that guys do. They never really grow out of being kids, do they?” Rhiannon replied as if she was all knowing. “He’s being like that because he likes you so much. He wants to be with you and that freaks him out, It’s classic. It’s pretty much exactly what happened in this film. You and Kevin will end up in love soon enough.”
“Hmm, maybe. Either that or he’s just a jerk who doesn’t deserve my affection. I don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t want to end up with another situation like Tyler. I can’t take it again.”
“Oh you won’t. Tyler is in your past and Kevin is your future. I’m sure of it.”
But as I lay there trying to get absorbed in the movie, it wasn’t Kevin that kept cropping up in my mind. It was Angelo. I wanted to know why he wasn’t at that party, if it was me that drove him off. If that was the case then why? Loads of girls had slept with him and he continued to hang out around them all the time. Nothing seemed to phase him normally, but maybe this had? Maybe, for some strange reason that I didn’t yet understand. I needed to talk to him at some point, to find out.
I couldn’t go to the library, not tonight. I would have to go in the morning. All I wanted to do tonight was sleep as much as possible. I needed to sleep off these emotions and start again fresh. Maybe then I could really focus on Kevin and making that work… or if not I could put more effort into my studies. I didn’t want my grades to subside because of all of this. I couldn’t lose everything or there would be no hope for me whatsoever.