As soon as we got home, I rushed straight up to my room. I didn’t bother saying another word to either of them. It’s not like it did me any good anyways. Fox was on some power trip, and I was so upset with him that I could barely look in his direction. I slammed my bedroom door shut and locked it, and hoped like hell they wouldn’t try knocking. I didn’t want to see or hear what either of my brothers had to say. The time to talk was long gone.

You’d think that after pouring out my heart for the whole freaking world to hear, that he’d have a little compassion. Okay. So. It wasn’t in front of the whole world, but it was Josh, and that was the closest thing to it.

He loved me.

Hearing those words should’ve been one of the greatest moments of my life, like a rite of passage. I should’ve been floating on some invisible cloud with nothing but sweet love songs playing in my head. Instead, I was hiding away in my bathroom about to cry into some bath water.

Before slipping into the tub of scalding hot bubbles, I texted Josh. I had to tell him that I was sorry for walking away. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. After seeing what Fox did to him, I knew that it would be worse if I tried to stay. My stomach was in knots just thinking about it. He probably hated me after what happened, but I didn’t hate him, and I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know exactly how I felt about him. No one had ever stood up to Fox like that before, and while I think it was nuts, I loved him even more for it.

Me: I’m sorry about what happened today. I know I’m probably the last person you want to speak to right now, but I just want you to know that I’m in love with you too. I wish I had said it back to you today, and not in this lengthy message. I don’t know where we go from here, but I do know that I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. Please don’t hate me.

I must’ve read the message ten times back to myself before I hit the send button. It just felt pathetic in comparison to his words. He wasn’t afraid to tell my brothers that he loved me. He just blurted it out, not caring about the consequences. He was so much braver than me. All I could do was stand there in that alleyway with my feet glued to the pavement below, like a coward with caffeine brain. You know. Where you have too many things to do and your brain can’t process them all at once, so you choose the easiest one. This was one of the times. I couldn’t consume his words or overanalyze them in the moment, because I was afraid I might’ve actually said the words back to him.

Thinking about it made me wonder how long I was going to let everyone else dictate my life. The bars around me were growing so thick that it felt more like a cement wall. Only, I was going to need more than a sledgehammer to get out of this mess.

I could’ve really used my Mom today. I needed her words of wisdom, and desperately wanted to tell her that I was in love for the first time in my life. Whether she agreed with me or not, she would’ve at least been supportive. I was her only daughter. We haven’t always seen eye to eye, but in times that mattered she was there.

Lately though, she was never home. Something was always keeping her away.

I sent her a quick text to tell her to call me before I climbed into the tub, and l prayed the hot water would wash my worries away.

The water grew colder, and it didn’t seem to offer much help. My body was clean, but my mind was still clouded with thoughts of Josh. I wondered if he was okay, and if he’d ever talk to me again. I couldn’t really blame him if he didn’t. For years I’d been desperately trying hard to push people away. I wanted to keep them as far out of my messed-up life as I could. It just didn’t work with him. We were like two magnets, easy to place together and hard to pull apart.

It didn’t make sense to me in the beginning. I thought it was crazy to fall for someone I barely knew, especially when no one else would deem it worthy. The standards my family put on me were so far out of my reach that I’d never please them.

Then it hit me. Suddenly, it made sense. I remembered reading the book Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë when I was a few years younger. It was a favorite of mine. There was this quote I remember highlighting that said, “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”  I think it stood out to me because I didn’t believe in soul mates. I didn’t believe that two people were destined to find each other in this world, a world with so many people.

Shaking my head, I let the thought sink in. His and mine were the same.

Just when I thought I had no more tears, they rolled down my cheeks once more.

After my bath, I curled up under my blankets and lay there in my bed. My body was still shivering from the cold water, and my eyes were swollen from the tears. I was waiting for sleep to come, desperate for it, but nothing. Minutes turned into hours as the clock slowly ticked.

Fox and Obi must’ve knocked on my door a dozen times, each time as annoying as the last. I kept telling them I was fine, so that they’d leave me alone. I was far from fine. They couldn’t expect me to just pretend like nothing happened, and move on.

Sooner or later we’d have to talk about school, and what was going to happen when I went back. I just wasn’t ready yet. I couldn’t think of a single thing to talk about that would make facing my brothers any easier. They were going to have to give me some, at least another day. Besides, I didn’t have to go back to that class until Friday. We could figure out what to do by then.

I tossed and turned a few more times before I heard my phone go off on my nightstand. I was hoping it was Mom, but even more surprised to see Josh’s name on the screen. My heart lurched into my stomach, and sat up quickly opening the text. To my surprise, he wasn’t mad.

Josh: I don’t hate you.

Me: Are you okay?

Josh: My eye is black and swollen and so is my lip.

Me: I’m sorry.

Josh: Stop apologizing. I’m fine. My ego hurts worse than my face.

Me: I haven’t talked to Fox since I got home. Everything happened so fast today, and I was scared.

Josh: I know that now. I’ve had some time to think, and I’ve had a few drinks. I completely lost it today. I felt like there was someone else in my body. Does that make any sense?

He had no idea.

Me: Perfect sense, actually.

Josh: So you love me too???

I smiled at his last text. I loved how he never sugar coated anything. He was always open and honest with me.

Me: Didn’t ease into that at all.

Josh: Lol. You know me. All or nothing.

Me: Honestly, I don’t know as much about you as I wish. This is the longest conversation we’ve had since that night in my kitchen.

Josh: True. That was a good night.

Me: It was.

Josh: You didn’t answer my question…

I knew exactly which one he was referring too, and just thinking about it made me blush. Despite the fact that we’d had a shitty day, he could still me smile.

Me: I think I do.

Josh: You think?

Me: I know I do.

Josh: You do what???

Me: I do love you.

Josh: I love you too, Gwen!

Gah! My heart rate picked up when I read those words. I’d never felt more wanted in my whole life. His sweet words left me speechless.

Josh: My turn to apologize for today. I’m sorry about getting into a fight with your brother. I wish things could’ve been different.

Me: You don’t have to apologize. I wish things could be different too. Fox will never change.

Josh: Things made more sense when you talked about what happened to you. It hurt me to hear it, but I understood you a little better.

Me: I’m not ashamed of it. I just wish my brothers would give me more space. I wish they’d let me live my own life.

Josh: I think they’ll come around one day.

Me: What’s going to happen to us in the mean time?

Josh: We’ll figure something out.

Me: I really want to see you again.

Josh: Soon

Me: Okay.

Josh: I will let you get some sleep now, but promise me that you’ll keep texting me. Please don’t shut me out.

Me: I promise.

Josh: I love you

Me: I love you too!

Josh: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.