Something had changed in me.

Something big.

It had been coming for a while.

Since that day at the gate when I had convinced Pastor Carter to let Bastian inside.

That one moment had altered the course of my entire life. I had fought it. I had resisted it. But I knew that I was different now.

The night spent out at The Refuge with Anne and Bastian was the turning point. The moment when I could no longer deny that something was very, very wrong at The Retreat. With The Gathering.

Any other person would have known that years ago. Being told I had to marry should have been the final straw. But my choices had been made for me for so long, I had stopped trying to think for myself.

Until Bastian forced me to see things in a new way.

Whatever it was, it scared me. It had been a long time since I questioned anything. Least of all the very foundation of my faith. The very foundation of my life.

But seeing David Scott being dragged away to The Refuge had triggered horrible, paralytic feelings inside me that I had thought buried deep.

The truth was those kind of feelings never stayed buried. Not true ones. Not ones that changed you from the inside out.

David was different after that. His depression total and all consuming. He stopped coming to Daily Devotional. He spent hours upon hours with Pastor Carter. He stopped talking to Anne.

He stopped talking to Bastian.

“I thought he might get better when he came here,” Bastian said a week later. We were raking leaves to be burned. I felt tired and achy. The effort to lift the rake almost too much. I hadn’t been sleeping very well. Mom came in and out all hours of the night.

I had dared ask her what was going on, as it was unusual for her to sleep so little.

“We are in preparation, Sara. You know this,” she answered furiously. Her moods were manic. She dipped and soared at a rate that I couldn’t keep up with.

“For The Awakening?”

Mom slapped me, chipping one of my teeth with the force. “Always for The Awakening! You know this!” Then she cradled my face and kissed my nose. “I love you, Sara. But you’re too distracted. Pastor has noticed. He’s concerned about you. We all are. We’re watching you, making sure everything is as it should be.”

Her clear warning left me frozen. I lay awake all night after that, worried about the nightmares that waited for me if I were to close my eyes.

I raked more leaves into a pile before stopping. There were many more leaves to rake but I couldn’t be bothered. “I’m sorry that he hasn’t,” I told Bastian sincerely. “He should never have been taken to The Refuge.”

There I said it. Out loud too. Fear and habit had me casting a quick look around to ensure I hadn’t been overheard.

“What does Pastor Carter hope to accomplish by sending people there?” Bastian leaned against the rake, his hair tangled around his face. I didn’t stop myself from reaching out to push it out of his eyes.

I did that a lot lately—take every opportunity to touch him.

Bastian hadn’t kissed me since he brought me the book. The same book I now slept with beneath my pillow. I read the notes and inscriptions he had written in the margins before going to sleep. I didn’t care so much about the author’s words as I did about Bastian’s.

His thoughts mattered.

I fanaticized about kissing him again.

About doing more than kissing.

I touched myself for the first time last night as I remembered the feel of his lips on mine. I imagined it was Bastian’s fingers between my legs. Pressing. Rubbing. I had never dared find physical pleasure before.

It was a sin.

Pastor Carter made that very clear.

It was an earthly distraction. Our bodies were temples devoted only to God.

It was another example of how I was continuously defying everything I had ever been told. Everything I had ever been taught.

The shame was almost crippling. But I did it anyway.

It was like a compulsion. This need to do things I had been told I shouldn’t.

Being with Bastian after thinking such wicked thoughts about him was slightly mortifying. What if he could tell what I was imagining about him?

Even if he didn’t know, God did. And that made me feel horrible.

I quickly dropped my hand from his face. Bastian smiled. It was a sad, miserable sort of smile.

I cleared my throat and propped the rake against a tree, needing a little distance between us. “He says The Refuge is a place to focus on God’s word. With no distractions, no people, we can reaffirm our holy vows.”

Bastian snorted and rolled his eyes. “It’s all fucking ridiculous.”

He was right.

It was ridiculous.

I frowned at him. “Keep your voice down. You don’t want someone to hear you.”

Bastian sighed but lowered his voice. “Let’s go, Sara. Leave all this behind. It’s toxic. If not downright criminal. It’s no kind of life.”

I wanted to. So much.

But my fear held me back.

“How can I leave my mother—?”

“Well from what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be missing much. She doesn’t even seem like she wants you around,” Bastian cut in harshly.

Even though what he said was true, it still hurt. His honest observation hit me square in the chest.

“What about Anne?” I added weakly.

“We’ll convince her to come too. If she leaves, David will. I know it.” Bastian’s eyes lit up with a fire that I felt deep down.

“He cares about her,” I stated.

And Anne cared about David. Even though he was five years older, it didn’t matter. They had a connection. I could see it. Everyone could see it.

Bastian resumed raking leaves. Though he seemed to be simply pushing them around rather than gathering them into piles. “He does. A lot. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him smile or even remotely happy. He’s only like that around Anne.”

“Our lives have been devoted to this place. To these people. To Pastor Carter. I don’t know how to be anyone but Sara Bishop, perfect disciple.”

Bastian dropped the rake and came over to me. He pulled me into his arms. So easily. Without hesitation. I instantly froze. All too aware of how visible we were. How anyone could see us.

But I didn’t care.

With Bastian, none of those things seemed important.

He held me tight. Solid. Warm. “Then we’ll learn who Sara Bishop can be together.”

“What’s all this then?”

I immediately pulled away from Bastian. I turned around to find Minnie, Stafford, Caitlyn, and Bobbie standing there, arms full of firewood, watching us. Bobbie and Caitlyn looked away, as though they couldn’t bear to see us.

Minnie and Stafford on the other hand, wore matching expressions of spiteful curiosity.

Minnie dropped her pile of kindling on the ground, dusting dirt off her hands. “I knew there was something going on between you two. It was so obvious.” She turned to Stafford. “You owe me your potatoes at dinner tonight.”

“There’s nothing going on—” I started to deny, then stopped myself. I wouldn’t lie about Bastian.

Not ever.

“It’s none of your business,” I said instead, crossing my arms over my chest.

Minnie and Stafford shared a look, both of them smirking. “What would Pastor say about this?” Minnie sang.

I felt my face flush hot. My hands balled into fists and for the first time in my life I thought about hitting someone. Hard.

Bastian took a step towards the others, positioning himself between them and me. “There’s nothing to tell Pastor. Saying anything would make you look like a bitter gossip. There’s got to be a scripture somewhere preaching against that, right?”

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those that listen,” Bobbie spoke up, barely sparing any of them a look.

“Ephesians 4:29,” Caitlyn murmured.

Minnie and Stafford scowled and Bastian grinned.

“You don’t want to go and be all sinful, now do you?” he mocked them.

“Pastor Carter also tells us that we offer our hearts only to God. That to tie ourselves up in physical relationships is sinful and wrong. That it only binds us to a world that will lie in waste when the end comes,” Stafford snipped, looking at me with disgust. “I thought that Pastor’s favorite disciple would know better.”

Bastian drew himself upright, his face stony. “And you should know better than to be such a dick,” he spat out.

I grabbed his arm and squeezed. Silently telling him to shut up.

Stafford laughed. “You’re a joke, Bastian. Everyone knows your soul is damned. It’s only a matter of time until Pastor makes you leave. In fact, it will probably be sooner than you think. Then you’ll have to say goodbye to your brother and your girlfriend. How sad for you.”

Bastian made to lunge for him but I held him back.

Bobbie stepped forward, giving Stafford a slight shove. “You better hope Pastor doesn’t hear how you’re behaving. I’d be more worried about my own soul than anyone else’s if I were you.”

Minnie looped her arm with Stafford’s. “Come on. Let’s go.” She sniffed as if she smelled something bad. “We don’t want to be tainted by association.”

The two walked off and I knew that Pastor Carter would hear about Bastian and me. The thought filled me with horror.

“Thanks Bobbie,” I said, more than a little surprised by his defense.

Bobbie shrugged. “Stafford and Minnie are jerks. None of the others see it because they’re very good at wearing two faces. But I see it. You see it.” He glanced at Bastian, who still looked ready to hurt someone. “You need to settle down. And maybe be less obvious about what’s going on between the two of you.”

It was solid advice and Bastian seemed to take it. He relaxed marginally. “Thanks, Bobbie. I appreciate it.”

Bobbie shrugged again. “It’s what any brother would do for another.”

Caitlyn was silent. She seemed uncomfortable. She kept glanced from Bastian to me then back to Bastian. She had always looked up to me. She had always looked to me for spiritual guidance. But she looked at me now as if I had killed someone close to her. As if I had destroyed something inside of her forever.

“I thought you were following the path like the rest of us,” she said softly, her fingers clasped tightly in front of her. “But here you are with him. You know you shouldn’t. That Pastor Carter warned us about the temptation of sin, but you’re doing it anyway. Like you don’t care about your eternal soul.”

Bobbie regarded her with concern. “It’s okay, Cait. This has nothing to do with you.”

Caitlyn grew rigid. “You’re one of God’s chosen. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She was full of righteous indignation.

I took a step around Bastian so I could face Caitlyn. “Of course, it does. I am following the path.”

I was lying to her. I wasn’t following the same path as everyone else. Not anymore.

I had started walking a different way a month ago.

Caitlyn shook her head. “Minnie’s right. Being around you will taint us all by association. We have our own souls to think about.”

“Caitlyn—”

“Bobbie, let’s go.” Caitlyn ignored me completely. I could see the moment when she shunned me. Turned her back. I had betrayed her trust. Her faith in me.

She wouldn’t forgive me for this.

I felt the chill of her disapproval. Of her disgust.

“Take care,” was all Bobbie said and the two of them walked away.

Bastian’s entire body sagged. “Shit, that was intense. What was all that about with Caitlyn?” he asked.

“She’s the old me.” I took Bastian’s hand, not caring who could see. It would all be known soon enough anyway. “The person I was before I met you. And I never want to be her again.”

Bastian pressed our joined hands to his heart. “I think you’re exactly the same person you’ve always been. Kind. Loving. Smart. Don’t ever think yourself less than amazing.”

I smiled. Real and true.

I looked at Bastian Scott and saw a different kind of forever.

The kind that could break my heart.

I had left Bastian a short time later. I knew I couldn’t avoid my one-on-one lesson with Pastor Carter. But I wanted to skip it. To spend the rest of my day with Bastian. To touch him. Kiss him. To make unrealistic plans for a future that seemed so out of reach.

But I couldn’t.

Because I was scared that to embrace that other future would mean losing my soul. I told Caitlyn I was still on the path, and even though that wasn’t necessarily true anymore, the conditioned fear continued to grip me tight. Bastian didn’t believe the vision of the world Pastor Carter painted.

Yet, that was all I had ever been told. I was raised to believe in one thing. In one person.

Pastor Carter.

I had to figure out what it meant now that wasn’t true anymore.

I stepped into Pastor’s solarium hesitantly.

“Sara, so lovely to see you. Come in.” Pastor waved me over to where he was sitting on the floor.

I removed my thin slippers and took my time joining him.

The numbness waited just out of reach. Waiting for when I’d need it.

I wouldn’t need it. Not this time.

I promised myself this.

He closed the Bible in his lap and watched me approach. He lifted his face to me. “Kiss me, my child.”

I leaned down and dutifully kissed his mouth as I had done many times before.

This time I wanted to wretch.

I was sick to my core.

“Please, sit. Tell me, how is your soul?” He waited for me to respond, but the usual answer got stuck in my throat.

I was tired of the routine. Of the way it made things seem normal when they weren’t.

Pastor Carter frowned when I remained silent. “You seem burdened. What troubles you?”

It would be so easy to tell him what bothered me. To unload my sins. My worries. It’s what I would have done in the not so distant past.

But I couldn’t.

I knew the consequences for breaking my faith would be dire. And I was scared.

Instead, I gave him something else. A sliver of truth in the hopes he wouldn’t go digging for the rest.

“I’m worried about David Scott. He seems depressed.”

Pastor Carter nodded. “I can see how you would think that, but he is on a beautiful voyage. Don’t simplify what he is going through by labeling it depression. He’s no more depressed than your mother is.”

I felt my stomach drop. “You’re saying David’s fine?”

Pastor reached out and ran a finger along the curve of my cheek. I forced myself not to flinch. To lean into him the way I was expected to.

“David isn’t meant for this plane of existence. He is special to God. As we all are. As you are, Sara. He is learning that to find peace he must trust in God to guide him. He must trust in me to interpret his word.” Pastor Carter smiled. I didn’t like the sound of what he was saying.

“What does that mean, Pastor?”

Pastor Carter waved away my words. “All will be clear soon. I want to discuss other matters with you today.” He took my hands and I noticed that his palms were clammy. Sweaty. As if he were nervous.

Or excited.

I felt a shiver of alarm.

“Did you read the scripture as I asked you to?” he asked.

I nodded, trying to swallow around the lump in my throat. “I did, though I’m not sure how marriage has anything to do with my path. I feel certain my fate lies elsewhere.”

There.

I said it.

I allowed myself to say the words I was feeling. I let myself defy his edicts. I felt strong.

I felt terrified.

Pastor Carter’s face grew dark. His eyes narrowed. His long hair was wild, falling in greasy strands around his face. He seemed older. More haggard. How had I never noticed how grizzled and hard he looked?

“Marriage is the ultimate gift of the Lord!” he exclaimed, squeezing my hands, their slick wetness making me shudder. “It’s been shown to me that if you are to be ready for The Awakening, you must take this final act. You must prostrate yourself before God. Before your chosen husband.” He sounded rattled. As if my questioning him had shocked him. He expected immediate obedience. He didn’t seem to know what to do. And it angered him.

“I understand the sanctity of marriage. I just don’t think God would ask something like that of me if I wasn’t willing. If I wasn’t ready.” The firmness in my tone surprised me. Where had it come from?

Bastian…

Pastor Carter dropped my hand as though it were on fire. He looked enraged. I shrank back, not sure how he was going to react. Prepared to shield myself if necessary.

I had never seen Pastor act out violently, yet there was something almost unhinged in his expression that had me fearful.

He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, as though calming himself. When he looked at me again, he was more composed.

Yet the violence remained.

Under the surface.

I had to be aware. Careful.

“Sara, you cannot question the will of God. It’s a sin,” he stated patronizingly.

As if he were speaking to a very small child.

I bowed my head, trying to appear meek. “I don’t mean to question God’s will. But how are we to know that’s what he wants—?”

“Because he whispered it to me! Because I am his messenger! I am his prophet!” Pastor bellowed and I jumped.

“Sara, you are my truest disciple. It troubles me that you would seek to defy God. I won’t be able to save you if you do. You know this. What will it do to your mother if you’re left behind when she Awakens? What about Anne? All of your brothers and sisters? What would it do to them to see you fall into the pit?” He seemed to be taking a different track. One riddled with guilt and shame.

I kept my head lowered. I didn’t want to look at him. I couldn’t.

“The Devil’s machinations have wormed their way into your soul, my child. I can see it.” His words slid over me like sludge. I felt dirty.

“No, Pastor. I have not been listening to Satan.”

“You have. And I think I know who has been his voice. I knew that allowing Bastian Scott admittance to our sanctuary was wrong. I saw evil in his face yet I let myself be swayed by your wishes. Because I value your heart.” Pastor lifted my chin so that I was forced to meet his eyes. I wanted to pull away. But I knew I couldn’t. I was trapped, as I always was.

“Bastian Scott has no place here. It’s time we remove the thorn from our foot. The bump on our road to salvation.”

I hated the sound of Bastian’s name in his mouth. It was perverse.

“Bastian is a model disciple—” I began to say but Pastor Carter cut me off.

“He is the beast in our midst. When they have finished their testimony, the beast that comes up out of the abyss will make war with them, and overcome them and kill them.” Pastor nodded. “He has led my perfect sheep astray and that saddens me. I have been derelict in my duties to you, sweet Sara. I should have watched over you closer. I should have held you to my heart and kept you there. Where you belong.” He pulled me to him, pressing my cheek to his chest. He stroked my hair, his fingers getting caught in the tangles. “Sara, my darling Sara. Don’t you see, this is your test. Will you take my hand and let me help you tackle it?”

I didn’t understand what he was saying. Pastor Carter always spoke in riddles, but my head was fuzzy. I couldn’t decipher the meaning.

“He’s not a beast. He hasn’t led me anywhere,” I protested weakly, my limbs heavy. Being with Pastor Carter was an assault on all senses. I felt powerless. Reverting to Sara Bishop, obedient acolyte.

Pastor kissed the top of my head. “You’re too trusting. Too kindhearted. He has taken advantage of you. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t stop this sooner. I’m just glad I got to you before it’s too late. Before your soul was lost to me completely.”

I felt tears drip down my face. “I’m sorry, Pastor,” I whispered, trembling in his arms.

“My dear, sweet child, you have nothing to apologize for. You are not the demon on our doorstep. You are not the one who will pay.” His words staved my tears. I went still. A chill wrapping around my heart.

The threat was clear.

Bastian would be forced to leave The Gathering of the Sun.

“Now, heed my words, Sara. You were made to join me. To walk the path by my side. It’s what God wants. It’s his plan. I’ve heard his words. You must listen to them.”

I stopped breathing. A hum started in my ears. And still Pastor held me tightly. He wouldn’t let me go.

“You will be my wife, Sara. It is my sacred duty to ensure you are ready for the end of days. For they are here. They are before us.”

I pulled away. Pastor’s fingers, still in my hair, ripped out strands in my scramble to back away. His face was placid. Too serene.

“What are you talking about?” I rasped. I tried to suck in air. I couldn’t get enough. I was dizzy. Black spots swam in front of my eyes.

Pastor Carter cupped my cheek. “God has chosen you, Sara. Our paths are one and the same. You will be my wife. I will be your husband. It’s how it’s meant to be. And then we will be Awakened together. I will walk with you through the gates of heaven and God will welcome us home.” He seemed so pleased. So happy.

I was seconds away from throwing up.

“But I can’t marry you, Pastor. You’re my father…” The words trailed off into nothing.

He clicked his tongue, giving me an indulgent smile. “I’m not your Earthly father, Sara. Don’t be silly. I’ve been your spiritual guide, nothing more. There is nothing biological between us. God would not have blessed our union if it were sinful.”

“You’re like my father,” I said again.

Pastor steepled his fingers beneath his chin, nodding. “I can see how you think that. Then like Lot, I will lie with my daughter. And it will be a holy thing.”

I tried to lick my lips, but my tongue was bone dry. “I’m only eighteen. And you’re—”

Pastor’s face became thunderous. “Are you still defying our Lord?” he shouted. But I didn’t jump this time. I was prepared for his outburst.

“I won’t marry you, Pastor! It’s wrong! God wouldn’t want that!”

Pastor Carter’s eyes grew cold. His mouth twisted cruelly.

“Then you will burn in hell and I will shove you into the pit myself.”

“My heart’s been given to another, Pastor.” It was my last ditch effort to make him see reason. To protect myself from this plan he had enacted without my consent.

Pastor laughed and it was a horrible, horrible noise. “You aren’t destined for that boy. He is worthless. He will be left behind. He has led you down a dangerous path. If you continue to follow him, I won’t help you. No one will. You will be turning your back on your family. On the people who love you.”

“I’m not turning my back on my family,” I protested.

Pastor Carter grabbed my wrist, twisting. I gasped in pain but I didn’t pull away. It would only make it worse. “You are killing your family. Your selfishness will be our ruin. Think about that, Sara. Is giving your heart away worth losing everything?” He squeezed harder. I could feel his fingers pressed to bone.

He dropped my arm, practically flinging it away. “Think about it. Pray. Let God show you the way.” Once more a vision of piety. “Don’t throw away your soul for a brief affair of the heart. You are better than that. It would destroy us all to lose you when we’re so close to the end.”

I was thankfully being dismissed. I had to get out of that room. Away from the man I had worshipped like a God.

I got to my feet and bowed my head, waiting for the blessing that didn’t come.

“You’ve hurt me with your doubts, Sara. We both have to pray on that,” was all he said.

I hurried from Pastor’s house, wanting to keep going and never stop.