Chapter Eleven
Rod stood at the foot of the hospital bed while the small team of doctors talked with his mom. She was still twitching occasionally, her face grimacing in new pain. But they had that IV loaded in her vein and stocked with some of the best medicine.
An exacerbation, they called it, when she relapsed back into symptoms. And every time it happened, it was worse than before. They could medicate her to ease the worst of it, but this was something she had to ride out. Suffer through. And still, after so many years of watching her fight, it made him angry all over again.
She didn’t deserve this shit.
He swallowed down the lump in his throat and looked over at Seraphina. She was listening to the doctors intently, brow furrowed so her eyes squinted. She nodded along with something they said, appearing to make mental notes as the conversation went on. She inserted a question and a female doctor patiently answered it.
He should be listening, but he’d already heard all this before. He knew the details of his ma’s illness backward and forward. Knew what to expect in the future. Knew there was nothing to be done about it. No hope. No recovery. No healing.
Seraphina would know it soon too if she stuck around. Then maybe she’d see why he couldn’t have what he wanted with her. Why his life was already promised to someone else… just like hers was.
He ground his teeth together at the thought of the fox who’d come for her. The idea that he was right here, so close, fed Rod’s anger as if it were a starved beast being offered a buffet. He was practically spinning with it. His own little hurricane. The injustices were piling up between him and Ma and his vixen, and he was helpless to do shit about it.
So he was angry. If it was all he could do, then he’d do it hard. He was angry.
The doctors filed out of the room, leaving the three of them alone. His chest buzzed like he was a ticking bomb. He needed out of there before he blew. Because that shit was coming out in some form or another.
“Ma,” he husked, moving around the side of the bed to put a careful kiss on her forehead. Her eyes were already closing, so drowsy. “Gonna let you rest. We’ll be back later, okay?”
She mumbled an answer, already falling asleep. He hoped she stayed that way, oblivious through the worst parts.
He watched her for a few breaths, the burning inside him growing and growing. He turned, hardly finding oxygen anymore, and grabbed Seraphina’s hand to drag her from the room.
She said nothing as he stalked through the dismal corridors with their harsh fluorescent lighting and mauve trim. Nothing as they beat feet across the parking lot. Nothing as he jerked the passenger side door open and waited for her buckle in before closing it. Nothing as he got behind the wheel and cranked the engine, revving it until it roared the way his ears were.
He backed out of the spot and pointed his Mustang toward the only road leading out of town.
“What are we doing?” she finally asked.
And wasn’t that the million dollar question. What were they doing? What was he going to do with her? Her and her big soft heart. Her and her sexy curves and tender hands. Her and her caring eyes. Her and the way she loved the people he loved. The way she cared about Ma. The way she cared about every-fucking-one she came across.
Seraphina was something special, he’d known it all along. Ma knew it. Everyone knew it. But…
What was he doing?
“Riding,” he ground out as an answer.
“And then what?”
“Riding some more.”
She was silent for three breaths before she murmured, “Okay. Let’s ride.”
***
Hours later, Seraphina watched Rod through the windshield where he stood on the bank of a calm part of the river. He glared out at the water, every few minutes, jerking his hat off to run his hand through his hair. Every little bit, he paced, his long angry steps bringing him to the hood of the car and then back out to the river where he resumed his glaring. The first time it had tricked her, making her think he was jumping back into the driver’s seat. By the third time, she’d recognized the routine.
She looked around the heavily forested dirt road they were parked on.
They drove a long time but hadn’t really gone far. More like in a big circle several times before they ended here. She didn’t know the place, but it didn’t matter. What mattered were all the emotions she’d felt swirling in the car when they left the hospital. Hopelessness, fury, confusion. It had set her fox desperately on edge. But more than that… she was worried about the man pacing the edge of the river.
He was hurting. But somehow she knew he wouldn’t let her close enough to help.
Her vixen whimpered inside, too empathetic for her own good. Too sensitive to the feelings of others. It was never a trait she’d despised. But now, under the weight of what was happening to Rod and his mom, it seemed like it would cripple her.
She needed to help him.
Or maybe she needed his help. Barb had texted her to let her know Maxim and two fox hounds were stalking Cedar Valley for her. It wouldn’t be long before they found her, and she’d have to fight. Her fox and them.
Either way, she had to get out of this car.
Stepping out, she kept her eye on Rod as he pulled his hat off, turning the bill backward. His broad shoulders were tensed and hard, radiating anger. His back was rigid. He was strung tight, ready to spring. Like a panther about to pounce.
She planted her butt on the hood of his car so the next time he paced back, he’d have to face her.
“Used to come here with the guys,” he said, walking toward her. His voice sounded strained. Like Kit’s when he was trying not to cry. But with Rod, it was like he was trying not to explode. His fists kept clenching and unclenching. “We’d sit out here, shooting the shit. Griping about the parents or girls or whatever. Felt like the world was ending sometimes back then. But that was just easy stuff, you know? Just the beginning of Life’s long and brutal kick to the ass.” He laughed wryly, stopping just in front of her. “We all had worse things coming and never even knew it.”
“There are good things coming too. Or… there can be. That’s how life goes. Like a song, you know? It ebbs and flows. Hills and valleys. The verse gets darker before the victory of the chorus.”
He locked his jaw, yanking his hat free and flipping the bill forward before meeting her gaze.
“Not this time, Seraphina.”
She jammed her hands in her jean pockets to keep them far away from him, and stared at the ground instead of his sad eyes. Was it really only a few hours ago that she felt like things were looking up. Like things could really be changing for her, for him. Like she was making a connection, forming a…
No. She couldn’t let herself think they were forming a bond yet.
Not yet, her animal cautioned. It felt like the thing was peeking out at the world from under a rock. Hiding or waiting or anything besides standing tall.
Well, she was tired of that.
Submissive or not, she was a Vixen, damn it. Time to start acting like one.
“That’s bullshit,” she whispered to the ground.
“What?”
She met his eyes again, determined to move past where they were, this valley of denial.
“I said, that’s bullshit. You can have better. You can have what Aaron and Rider have. Something great to make the bad things easier to swallow. You could have anything you want.”
It was true. All he had to do was say it. Act. And she’d bend to him. Because he was the one her fox truly wanted as commander. The one she was meant to love. Mate. Have a family with. A future with. He was the one.
“You think that’s how it works?” he ground out. “Just want it bad enough and you get it? You’re so damn wrong.”
No, she wasn’t. It just took a lot of courage to want things you were afraid of. And Rod was afraid of happiness. Of being happy when his mother was so miserable and life was so messy.
Well, fine. But she was more afraid of this chance slipping through their fingers. Of them losing out on something that could be amazing.
“You like me. I know you do.”
Furiously, he ripped the poor hat from his head once more, turning the bill backward. Through the loop over his forehead she could see his wrinkled brow, and his brown eyes burned a vicious amber. They were nearly flames.
“Like you? I don’t like you, Seraphina.” Her stomach took a dive until he said, “We are way past that, sweets. We passed ‘liking you’ ten fucking miles ago. Woman, I want to own you like that bastard fox does. Want to touch you and taste you and learn what makes you moan so I can hear that sound every goddamn night. That shit in the car yesterday? That was me, being polite. And it was damn hard. I don’t do polite.”
“Well, stop,” she croaked.
“Yeah?” He crowded her, testing her. His dominance was so strong she almost looked away. Should have looked away. But she was locked in place, needing him to break whatever leash he kept himself on.
Yeah, she needed to see that so badly. Rod, wild. A storm she was only beginning to understand.
“Yeah.”
His palm smoothed up her neck and curved around her jaw, tilting her face up to his. She shivered at his touch and held her breath waiting for his kiss. But it never came. His eyes roamed her face like he was trying to absorb all of it in one look. She could see the struggle in his gaze that made his words true.
He did want her.
Wanted to own her.
Mmm, yessss. Be his.
Own her. It should have her running for the hills like it did with Maxim. But it only made her want to lift her tail and seal the deal. Her vixen was purring and writhing inside with anticipation. Rod was the only person she ever wanted to have that much control over her. The only one she trusted with it.
“You helped my mother,” he husked, his lips so close it was almost a kiss. “Do you know how much that means to me? Do you know what it felt like to walk in there and see you on the floor with her, soothing her? Do you know how that broke my heart open? Do you?”
“She’s amazing. I would never leave her hurting alone.”
“I know.” Two words, but they felt so weighty.
Seraphina let her hands fall to his huffing chest and his eyes flickered shut. Her fingers curled against hard muscle and she felt the tips of her claws peek out.
Rod’s eyes flew open and he looked more ferocious than ever.
“I’ve never wanted anyone as bad as I want you. Understand me, Seraphina. Never. I want you so bad I can taste it in the air every time you’re near. There’s nothing I want more than you, wrapped around me, invading me, ruining me. For good. Forever. Fuck, do you understand?”
She nodded, swallowing hard as he used her hair to pull her head back, exposing her neck.
“It has nothing to do with wanting something bad enough. If that would fix this shit, there’d be no problem, because baby… I want you. I fucking want you.” And again, he whispered almost to himself, “I want you.”
His lips brushed against her neck. His breath skated across her skin causing delicious chills. He’d wedged his waist between her legs and the hardness he grinded against her wrung a moan from her lips.
“But this is my life. This is how it goes for me. Responsibilities and shitstorms and disappointments. I’m not free, and I don’t want to be. Because being free means a huge part of me is gone or fighting by herself. I can’t do that to her. To you. To me. I can’t bring you into this and have one more fucking failure on the list.”
But his voice didn’t sound sure. It didn’t sound as defeated as his words were. It sounded… hopeful.
“Tell me you understand, Seraphina,” he groaned. “Tell me it’s okay, and push me away so we don’t do this. Come on, tell me. Do it.”
Obey, her fox demanded, confused. Obey him.
But she didn’t want to. For once, she wanted to buck the system. Do her own thing because it felt good. She wanted Rod and he wanted her, and she had the power to say…
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
A sound rumbled from his chest, half growl half relief, and his mouth came furiously down on hers, taking her by surprise.
His hands went immediately to her jeans, flicking the button and zipper open in one slick motion. She said a silent prayer of thanks that Ma had washed her clothes while she’d borrowed his last night. He devoured her mouth, kissing her so hard it was like he was sucking out her soul.
Give it to him, her vixen demanded.
Seraphina clawed at his shirt as he pushed her backward onto the hood of the Mustang. She shoved it up, feeling desperately for his skin, her hands smoothing over rippled abs. But it wasn’t enough. The shirt needed to go. She needed contact, skin on skin, or she felt like her beast would go crazy. She would go crazy.
Rod seemed to read her mind, and broke their kiss, reaching down to yank the t-shirt over his head. His hat stayed in place like he knew exactly how to work around that sexy piece of him. He balled up the shirt slowly, his gaze roving over her, hot and hungry. He licked his lips. An animal sizing her up, about to pounce.
How did a human manage to look so feral?
Oh… shit.
This was going to be hard and rough. Maybe not sweet at all. The idea sent a thrill straight through her center, making her wetter than she ever remembered being. And she felt her animal close to the surface. Her eyes must be showing him everything, flickering foxy no doubt.
He tossed the shirt to the dusty ground and reached out to whip her tank top over her head. It was his, and it was too big, and it found a home on the ground next to the t-shirt.
Her gaze rolled over his bare chest, wanting her lips all over it. But when she went for it, he nudged her back, reminding her he was in control. And he wanted to see more of her.
He wasted no time getting her bra loose, tossing it away like a useless afterthought. Seraphina braced her palms on the hood, leaning back to let him see her, and Rod let out a low, hard groan.
“My god, vixen.”
Quick as a blink, he jerked her pants over her hips making sure her panties came with them, exposing her completely. Her bare butt came into contact with the cool metal of the car, and she drew in a sharp breath. But he didn’t stop until he’d slid them past her sandals and all the way off.
“Feet on the bumper,” he said. “And spread ‘em.”
This time she obeyed.
A rush went through her as the cooling air of the evening hit her damp core. His gaze zeroed in on that spot as his hands roughly undid his belt and then flicked the button open, giving her a view of that sexy V that led to the part of him she needed most.
“Last chance, vixen,” he rumbled low. “Last chance to stop this.”
“No.”
She spread her knees even farther to make her point. If he didn’t make his move now she was going to lose her mind.
He lowered his zipper, inching closer to her.
“No?”
“No.”
He gripped his erection, finally pulling it free of his jeans, and Seraphina’s fox let off a moan at the sight. He stroked it once, his eyes lifting to meet her gaze. She gulped at his expression, his movement, his intention.
“I’m going to try not to break the car, Seraphina. That’s all I can promise you.”
“Okay,” she breathed. “Yeah. And I’ll try not claw you.”
His eyes got dark and his hand paused. “No. Do that. Definitely fucking do that.”
And then his hands were all over her. Squeezing, groping. Hard then gentle, then hard again, like he couldn’t control himself. And god… she didn’t want him to. This was finally happening, and it was better than any daydream she’d ever concocted.
She was going to be his. And maybe things weren’t perfect, but she wasn’t afraid of doing the work to make it better.
Rod dragged his hand over her hip, his fingers finding her opening and spreading her wetness.
“Oh, vixen. Look at all this,” he rumbled. “You’re more than ready for me. And you know what that means?”
“What?” she panted.
He lined up with her entrance and she gasped at the feel of him nudging against her so hot. Her hands tightened on his shoulders, her claws peeking, her eyes flickering.
“It means no going slow.”
And with that, he thrust hard and sure, burying himself deep inside her. He filled her so full it stole her breath and sent her fox writhing in pleasure.
But he didn’t move. He froze, hovering over her, breathing hard and watching her face.
“Vixen…” The words barely made it past his throat. “Tell me it’s okay,” he repeated his words from earlier. And she knew he was still trying to convince her this shouldn’t happen. “Tell me.”
But it wasn’t. Pushing her away because life wasn’t picture perfect and simple was not okay. It would never be okay. The only thing that would be was him, bringing her closer, making her part of that life.
Then she would say yes.
Only then.
“No.”
He kissed her hard, dragging his body back out and slamming in again. She grunted into his mouth and he pulled back, gaze going all over her face as he repeated the motion. His hips rolled again and again, ending in a hard thrust that left her gasping for breath.
“So tight,” he groaned. “Seraphina, you feel so goddamn good.”
She couldn’t do anything but moan as he continued his bone shaking rhythm. Inside, her orgasm was building with every drag and push. Nerve endings sparking. Her animal finding a power she’d never felt before.
Freedom, she realized. It felt like freedom. Freedom in the owning.
Rod was conquering her beast and giving her freedom, and for that, she would give him everything.
Mine, her animal moaned, confirming what she already knew. Rod was her mate.
He slowed, finding her eyes. “If I could change me,” he murmured, thrusting away. “If I could be good for you… I would. But I’m just me. Just the bastard who can’t get his life together.”
“I love you.” The words slipped out on a breath as he pounded into her. And for a moment, maybe several, everything seemed to stop. Her breath, his, the urging of their bodies. Everything.
“What?” he rasped.
Seraphina swallowed hard, digging up the courage to say what she felt. “You are more than you think. You are loved. By me. And so many others.”
He shook his head, the anger coming back to his expression. Except it had never really left, and she’d known from the beginning he wasn’t going to go easy on her.
This was a battle.
One she intended to win.
If he wanted to own her, this was the only way.
He pulled free of her and she whimpered at the emptiness. But he quickly grabbed her hips, twisting her so she was face down on the hood of the car.
“You love me?” He thrust hard, stopping when their bodies were sealed tight. “What the hell am I supposed to do with that? When you talk to me sweet like that?”
He dragged out again, slow enough she could feel them both trembling.
“Yessss,” she hissed.
“Love me.” He slammed home again, but his voice had changed. Gone weak. “You love me,” he whispered against her shoulder. “What am I going to do now, vixen? How will I ever get over you.”
She never wanted him to.
Tears sprung to her eyes so fast they were already falling to the hood of his car before the next push. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t get over me.”
“How will I do what’s right? Let you go?” His voice cracked and he fucked her faster. “I never want to let you go. I want to keep you. I want to hear you say those words over and over for a million years.”
His hand trailed up her spine until his fingers locked in her hair at her nape. He tugged gently until she turned her head. And then his face was there, lips taking her mouth, hard and hot and sweet. It was drying her tears. Or at least making her forget them.
She felt something deep behind her sternum. A fire building. It was pain but it was pleasure. It was knowing and awareness… something like…
A bond.
That part of her animal that was so undeniably connected to him that she could feel pieces of his heart through it. And he’d feel hers. They’d never be the same after this.
But she couldn’t understand it all. Hope warred with hopelessness. Happiness was smothered out with fear. Pleasure with sadness.
Seraphina kissed him back harder, desperate to change the signals she was getting from him, to prove this was right.
Reaching around front, his hand brushed over her clit, and it was just the push she needed to send her past the point of no return.
She spiraled out of control, squeaking around where his lips were pressed to hers. And Rod kept thrusting, growling back at her as he lost himself. The first jet of his release took her by surprise and she tossed her head back, the animal relishing the feel of it. No male had ever given her this.
His mark.
He grunted, his forehead pressed to her temple as he filled her, stealing her breath with every move.
When he was finished, she collapsed to the cool metal, breathing hard. He followed her down, pressing his chest to her back and running his hand so softly over her ribs. His touch was hardly more than a flutter. His lips pressed soft kisses to her heated skin over and over. So many she was getting drunk on them.
“I love you too, Seraphina.” His voice was choked and ominous, like loving her was a death sentence. And so soft she could barely hear it. “I don’t know what the hell to do about it.”