CHAPTER 12
“Rough night?” Travis loomed over him holding a cup of coffee.
Cash closed his eyes, bracing against the memory of Kate’s mouth, her skin under his fingers. “Yeah,” he bit out. “You could say that.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Something trigger you? This is the first time since we’ve come home from the trek that you’ve camped out on the couch.”
“Nothing specific.” Except a blazing kiss that turned him inside out. “I… just couldn’t be alone last night. Too many memories.” God’s truth. He’d reached his trailer and realized he was too wound up. So he’d turned around and made a beeline for the main house, knowing it was his only chance for sleep. Childhood memories jumbled with his time overseas, tumbled with a laundry list of failures since he returned home, added up to a sleepless night filled with shakes and sweat. For whatever reason, knowing someone was close by, able to pull him back to sanity, held the terrors at bay. Cash pushed himself up. “That coffee for me?”
“Hell, no.” Travis laughed. “Get your sorry ass up and serve yourself.”
“Yes, sir.” He swung his legs to the floor, standing. God, he ached like he’d walked all night then folded himself into a foxhole to wait until sundown. Coffee would help.
“Don’t take too long. Hope Sinclaire’s coming over with a new mustang today. She wants us to help her sensitize it to sudden noise and motion.”
Cash froze, sugar spoon midair.
“I think you should be in the ring with her.”
“No,” Cash said flatly, tipping in the sugar and stirring so vigorously the coffee slopped over the rim.
“What if I gave you a direct order?”
“I’d say fuck you, asshole. We’re not in the service anymore.”
“I cut your paycheck.”
Cash slammed down the mug, spilling hot liquid across his hand, and glared at Travis. Travis didn’t flinch. He was fucking immovable. Anger burst through him like a geyser. “So you’re gonna fire me if I don’t get in the ring today? Is that what you’re saying?” His voice rose, but he didn’t care.
Travis arched a brow, jaw set. “I’ll remind you my wife and son are still upstairs sleeping.”
“I’m not getting in the ring,” Cash insisted.
“You need to.”
“Like hell I do,” he growled, adrenaline making his hands tingle.
Travis circled the couch, draining his mug and gently placing it on the counter next to his. He’d pissed Travis off. His left eye twitched, his only tell. Cash might outweigh Travis, but there was a reason Travis had been their leader. The man was fucking deadly, and nothing, nothing rattled him. “Like hell you don’t?” Travis challenged coolly. “Let’s start with how you tackled Kate the first night we were home.”
“She told you that?” How could she? How could she not, the voice of reason answered.
“She told Elaine, who told me.” Travis raised his hand. “Let me be clear. She was concerned about you. That’s all. And rightfully so.”
Damn.
Travis crossed his arms, widening his stance. “Have there been any other incidents since you came home?”
Cash shook his head, heat crawling up his spine. “Just the one,” he answered, the fight leaving him.
“And you don’t think this is something you should address?”
He dragged his gaze up. Throat so tight he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t fair. Travis had his shit together, and he was so… weak. Pitiful. Pathetic. God, he wanted to be sick.
“Don’t go there,” Travis said sharply, as if reading his mind. “Don’t do it. We all struggle. You think I haven’t been right where you are?”
He shook his head.
“You’re wrong. I have been. Ask Elaine. Ask Weston.”
Weston was another member of their SEAL team and now Prairie’s police chief. According to Travis, the whole set-up for Resolution Ranch had been Weston’s idea.
“Get this through your thick skull, sailor. We all have baggage. We all have shit to face. Every. Single. One of us. You’re not a goddamned unicorn. You know what separates us from the rest? We don’t run. Not from the enemy, not from our shit. So suck it the fuck up and meet me in the ring in forty-five minutes.” Travis’s gaze was diamond-hard. He wasn’t fucking around. “Or pack your bags.” He turned on his heel and strode out the door, letting it swing shut behind him.
Motherfucker.
Cash grabbed the back of his head, blowing out a ragged breath. In all the years they’d served together, Travis had never dressed him down like that. We don’t run. Jesus, he’d done nothing but run since he’d returned home. His chest was so tight he couldn’t breathe. He was sick of running. Sick of being afraid of the memories hovering at the edge of his conscious. He grabbed the coffee pot, clenching his arm to quell the shaking in his hand, and topped off his mug. Pulling in a shallow breath, he spooned in more sugar, focusing on nothing but stirring.
Second by second. Until he could manage minute by minute.
He reached for a paper towel, sopping up his spill. Extending his hand, he held it over his mug, slowly breathing in and out until it stopped shaking. Then he gulped down the contents of his mug, not caring that it scalded his throat. He relished the pain. It was a sensation other than panic. This was the end of the line. Travis didn’t dish out ultimatums for shits and grins. This was do or die time.
He thought of his mom. All she’d suffered when he was a kid. She had a nice life now. A small bungalow in Florida, not far from the beach, with a man who treated her right, and who he was proud to call step-dad. And what about Kate? She’d suffered. Was still suffering, from the looks of it. And even though he hadn’t been able to put the pieces together as to why she was here, he could see she was trying. He didn’t want to die.
He didn’t want to go on like this, either.
He grabbed the pot again, pouring out another steaming measure. He gulped it down without the aid of sugar, wincing at the bitter burn. God help him, he didn’t want to get in that arena. What if he fell apart in front of witnesses? Cracked wide open, spilling his guts into the dirt? Then what? Could he survive the shame of it? He was a fucking warrior for God’s sake. Shit was supposed to be easy for him. He was supposed to carry others. Not the other way around. He dragged in a breath, sweat pooling at the base of his skull. But one thing was certain, if he packed his bags and walked off the property, he would die. It would be too easy to end things.
Today he faced his demons.
Placing his mug in the sink, then tossing the wet paper towel in the trash, he glanced at the door and laughed. If he was going to die one way or another, he wouldn’t take the coward’s way out. He’d stand in the arena and die battling whatever shit rained down on him.
Forty minutes and a hot shower later, he paced the edge of the paddock as Hope pulled up with a horse trailer. Travis came up next to him, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “You’re gonna be just fine.”
“I’m not so sure.”
Travis speared him with a hard look. “I am. I don’t choose quitters.”
Hope approached. “Ready?”
Not remotely, but Cash gulped and nodded. “Yep.”
She looked to Travis. “Who’s gonna be in the ring?”
Travis cocked his head toward him. “This guy. But I’ll be here to help with noise.”
“Great.” She turned to Cash. “So we’ll go through the same process of joining up, just like you did with Samson. Once you and Molly have established some trust, we’ll start working on the sensitizing.”
“Molly?”
“Yep,” Hope nodded. “As in the unsinkable Molly Brown. Molly’s had a rough time. She doesn’t easily trust people, and she’s still skittish. But once she’s connected with you, she’s a gem. Once we get her fully trained, she’ll be a great mount. We just have to have faith in her so she can have faith in herself.”
Cash hid a smile. He wasn’t sure he believed Hope’s mumbo-jumbo about horses having faith in themselves. But she got great results, so he wouldn’t knock it too hard. She understood horses better than most. And he was grateful to her for pairing him with Samson.
Hope led a beautiful bay off the trailer. Her coloring ran nearly black on her withers and down her legs. Cash followed at a respectful distance, not wanting to spook the horse. The gate closed behind him with a heavy clang. A gong sounding the start of battle.
Hope crossed the arena, holding Molly’s halter and lead line. “We’re gonna start from scratch here. Molly’s worked with my brother a few times, but besides me, that’s it.” She offered him the equipment. “You remember what to do?”
Cash nodded. “I don’t make eye contact, and I invite her to circle.”
“Exactly. Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.” He left Hope and crossed to within a few feet of Molly. “Hey, girl,” he called softly. “We’re gonna get through this today, you and me.”
Molly pawed the ground, a sign that she was uncomfortable. That made two of them. He held out his hands and stepped toward her. She started circling with a leap. It was clear to Cash within a few minutes that she was much greener than Samson. Had he been this skittish at first, too? Probably.
They circled and circled. Then circled some more. The sun rose higher in the sky. Cash didn’t think they’d progress beyond this, but Hope kept encouraging him. Finally, Molly slowed to a walk and dropped her head, chewing and licking.
“That’s it, Cash. Turn and walk away. Don’t look over your shoulder.”
He turned and walked to the center of the arena. Sure enough, Molly followed.
“Now stop, turn, and give her praise.”
Cash turned, startled the horse was right behind him, and he reached up to pet her in the same place he knew Samson liked. “You’re a good girl, Molly. You’re a good girl, will you let me put the halter on you?”
He raised a hand, half expecting her to bolt. But she accepted the halter.
“Excellent,” Hope called. “So first we’re going to start her with stuff she’s used to, scratches along her flank, abdomen, and thighs.”
Together they worked on touch, simulating grass and twigs. They quickly progressed to motion and low-level noise – using weighted flags, branches, and flags on long arms. The sun climbed higher.
Cash did okay with movement on the ground and light noise. Flapping tarps, and movement simulating snakes. But the second he caught a movement out of his periphery, he froze for a split second, air stopping in his lungs. Molly froze too.
Hope dropped the flag and approached, eyes full of concern. “You okay? You tensed up, and then Molly did, too.”
Damn straight, he did. “I’ll be okay.”
“Try again?”
Dread crawled up his spine. “Yeah, sure.” He removed his Stetson to wipe the back of his hand across his forehead, then gave Molly a pat. “Scared you too, huh?”
Before he was ready, Hope tossed a weighted flag at them. He jumped out of the way, and Molly did the same, nickering and dancing backward. “Hey,” he snapped. “You were supposed to warn me.”
“No. I wasn’t. You don’t get a warning on the trail, or in the pasture.”
They continued to work, and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, Hope called it. “Time’s up. We’ll start again after a rest. I’ve got sports drinks by the gate.”
Hope moved in to attend to Molly while Cash made for the edge of the arena, suddenly realizing how thirsty he was. He twisted the cap off a bottle, and tipped his head back, draining the contents in under a minute.
Travis joined him, and Cash was drawn to the whip in his hand. “What the hell is that?”
“This?” Travis lifted his hand, then flashed Cash a grin. “Your reckoning.”
He grew hot just looking at it. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a crazy motherfucker?”
“Takes one to know one.”
His stomach hollowed. He was really going to do this. Crawl into the ring with a barely tamed animal and subject himself to loud noises. Hell, yeah, it took one to know one. He didn’t have a screw loose, he must have lost it over in the sandbox.
“Let’s get this over with.” Pulse thrumming double-time, he stepped back into the ring.
Molly laid her ears back and pawed the ground as he approached. Hope glanced at him sharply. “You’re making her nervous. Slow your breathing, and look at her feet.”
Cash took a steadying breath. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he murmured.
“You can, and you and Molly are going to help each other. Be brave, Cash. If not for yourself, then for Molly. In order for her to be a functional horse on a ranch, she has to learn that loud noises aren’t predators, they’re just loud noises. And she needs to be able to trust the humans around her to keep her safe. We’re her last hope, Cash. She’s been adopted twice. She can’t go back. And no one will take her.”
“So it’s do or die time for her.”
She nodded. “Yeah. It’s up to us now.”
Hope grabbed his hand. “Just lower your head, shut your eyes, and stand with me for a few minutes. Get in tune with your surroundings, and when you’re able, listen for Molly’s breathing and match yours to it. Just like I taught you with Samson.”
His mind raced. Fear, panic, guilt, shame, all warring for supremacy in his body. But then slowly, he was able to bring his attention to the warmth of Hope’s hand. And next, to the bird calls and the way the wind rattled through the bare branches. Finally, to Molly. Hope placed his hand on Molly’s neck. “Keep your eyes shut,” she said quietly.
After a minute, he felt Molly’s neck soften, and the tension drained out of his shoulders.
“There,” Hope said. “Did you feel that?”
He nodded.
“She trusts you right now. Take her lead line and let’s walk with her.”
They circled the arena once, twice. And then it happened.
He caught the motion out of the corner of his eyes, and tensed as the string of firecrackers exploded. SNAP, CRACK, Snapsnapsnap, CRACKCRAK.
Molly reared, yanking the line from his hand, and bolted to the far side of the arena.
Cash exploded. “Jesus Christ, did you have to do that? What the fuck?” His ears buzzed with adrenaline. Fuck. Hot tears choked him. What the fuck kind of sick game were they playing?
“Are you still standing?” Travis called from the fence.
“No thanks to you.” His breath came in harsh puffs. He glanced across the arena. “And look what you did to the horse.”
Hope was already with Molly, speaking in soothing tones, stroking the horse’s neck. He joined her, and together they soothed the horse. “I’m not sure this is a good idea. For either of us.”
“Sorry about that. She’ll pick up on body language you don’t even know you have. If you brace for the noise, she’ll learn to associate noise with danger. Remember the whole point of pressure and release is that they learn to let go of their fear. She’ll be fine. We’re going to make sure of it.”
Forget the horse, he wasn’t sure he’d be fine.
“I’m right here, Cash,” Kate called softly from across the paddock.
He swung toward her, meeting her gaze. She should be punishing him with her silence after the way he left her last night. He’d seen the disappointment in her eyes when he’d made the mistake of glancing back at her as he climbed down from the loft. But instead, she looked fresh and sweet, and her eyes shone with absolute faith in him.
His chest burned and he studied the dirt on his boots. He stood at the edge of a bottomless chasm, toes hanging over the edge. He should give into the pull and fall into the abyss. Let the darkness take him. His throat closed, as the feelings pressed in on him from all sides. He didn’t deserve her kindness. Certainly not her faith. It was too much.
“I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”
Kate’s voice sounded like a beacon. Reaching him like a pinpoint of light in the black. A tightness he’d held onto for far too long loosened inside him. She had no reason to believe in him, yet her face told a different story. As did the faces of Travis and Hope. Letting them down would be worse than quitting. They were counting on him. Hell, Molly was counting on him. He wasn’t going to let her be shipped off to the glue factory. She was innocent in all this, let down by her humans. Well, this human was not letting her down. No matter how scared he got in the ring. He shot Kate a grateful nod, deepening his resolve to lick his fear, once and for all.
By the end of the session, he was sweaty and exhausted, but both he and Molly had made progress. They’d stood together in the middle of the ring, he leaning against Molly, with an arm over her neck, eyes shut and successfully managed balloon popping at random intervals and distances. Car honking came next, then wood snapping, cap guns, and finally skeet shooting.
Travis met him at the edge of the arena. “Good work in there. I know it was hard. It will take time, but you and Molly will get there.”
Cash blew out a breath, accepting the sports drink Travis offered. “Thanks for setting me straight.” Inch by laborious inch he felt like he was crawling out of his self-imposed darkness. Slowly coming into the light.
“You’re worth it,” Travis said. “I’m not going to lose another team member if I can help it.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kate head for the barn. He jogged to catch up with her. “Kate, wait?”
She stopped and turned, face pink. He wanted nothing more than to gather her into his arms and lose himself in her sweetness. He stopped a few feet away. He probably stunk to high heaven anyway. He was drenched from the exertion in the ring.
“About last night.”
Her face pinched. “I owe you an apology–”
“No, no. I owe you one. I reacted badly. Again.” All the things he wanted to say but didn’t know how, ballooned in his chest, squeezing off his air. He swallowed hard. “I’d like to make it up to you. And explain myself. Can we try again? Over steak and potatoes tonight?”