CHAPTER 20
Kate stared at him, slack-jawed. She was terrible at hiding her feelings. He could track what was going on in her head just by the expression on her face. “You look so different with your beard.”
“Like a lumberjack from Maine, eh?” He let his Mainer accent thicken.
“You had a buzz cut, and were so tight laced.”
Cash winced. “I’m not so sure that’s changed.”
Why wasn’t she angry? She should be condemning him, not looking at him with soft and curious eyes.
“I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you.”
“I didn’t exactly make it easy,” he said drily.
Her face twisted and red crept up her neck. She looked… ashamed. What the hell for? He was the one who’d failed her. “If I hadn’t been so shallow,” her voice lowered.
“You’re not shallow,” he said gruffly.
She let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head. “Come off it, Cash. I was. I can’t tell you the name of my roadies. I was too caught up in dealing with my mother and Franco, or the band. And I resented the intrusion of security, so I ignored them. One of you took a bullet for me, and I never even asked how he was.” She winced. “But I don’t understand. How could you say you nearly cost me my life?”
This was it. The moment he’d avoided for far too long. A knot grew in his stomach. What would she think of him when it was all over? When she knew the awful truth of how he’d failed her? “Can we sit?” Tension knotted between his shoulders. He felt naked without the security of his beard. Exposed.
Eyes wide, she stepped aside to let him pass. For an awful second, the same pit-of-his-stomach awareness he’d had the instant before they’d been ambushed, returned. He pulled in a deep breath, failing at quelling the fight or flight response surging through him. Legs propelling him forward, he dropped to the center of the couch, elbows braced on his knees. His breath came in harsh rasps as words jumbled through his mind.
Kate pulled up a chair in front of him and took his hands. “I’m here, Cash. You’re not alone.” But he would be once he explained himself. The realization slammed into him, stealing his breath. He didn’t want to be alone. Not anymore. He gripped her hands like they were a lifeline.
“Can I ask you some questions?”
He dragged his gaze to hers, surprised at the softness there, the concern. “Anything.”
“What happened… after? You taped my cut, and then the police were there, and it was a zoo until I was escorted home.”
“Not much. I bandaged your cut. The bullet went through Ace’s shoulder, and he was good as new a few weeks later. I was put on… permanent administrative leave.” The words tasted bitter in his mouth.
“Wait,” she said as the words sunk in. “You mean you were fired? I don’t understand. You saved me.”
He shook his head, shame burning in his chest. “No. I didn’t. Ace and Guns saved you. I nearly cost you your life and the lives of my colleagues. The only thing I did right that night was carry you out of the room and provide first aid.” He’d gone over the details thousands of times in his head, looking for some small shred of evidence that he hadn’t been a coward, that hadn’t let down everyone in the room that day. All he could do now was explain himself the best he could. “But if you really want to understand why, there are other things I need to tell you.”
Once again, he was back at the edge of the abyss, looking over into darkness he was all too familiar with. Would that feeling ever go away? He was so, so tired of this place. Of living with the constant fear that a noise, a question, a memory would drag him back. He puffed his cheeks, blowing out slowly. Maybe baring his soul would be like excising an infected wound. Once everything was out in the open, maybe then he could banish the demons and move forward.
“Are you sure?” Her voice pulled him back. “You don’t need to torture yourself this way.”
He nodded slowly, gut pulling tight.
“When I was eleven, my mom took up with an asshole. He would get drunk and rage. One night–” Cash stopped and took a breath, reliving the memory like it was yesterday. “One night, he pulled a gun on my mom. I was there. And I froze. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak.” He ghosted a smile. “My mom was brave. Stupid, really. She charged him, caught him off guard. The gun went off and shot a hole in her favorite painting but only grazed her arm. She was lucky.” He rubbed a hand over the back of his head barely able to focus for the pounding in his veins. “I should have tried to protect her, and I didn’t.”
“You were a kid,” she cried out, squeezing his other hand. “A little boy.”
He shrugged. “I recognize that now, but part of me will always feel like it was something I did, I lacked. I was too scared to move.”
“But you were a kid,” she whispered, voice catching.
He winced, shaking his head. She didn’t understand. He had to make her understand. “But I was a big kid for an eleven-year-old. Almost as tall as my mom at that point. And I just stood there.” He shut his eyes, stomach churning.
“And that’s why you decided to be a SEAL,” she murmured. “Because you wanted to keep people safe.”
He nodded and fixated on their hands. Her tiny delicate fingers encased in his giant palms. God, what must she think of him? Some hero.
“Then you survived an ambush, and some of your friends didn’t.”
He nodded again, still unable to look at her. “And I recognize I was just damned lucky, but I keep wondering why? Why me? Especially when I come home and keep fucking everything up? I had no business asking for your assignment, and Bones knew it.”
“Bones?”
“Head of the security organization I was with. He knew it. He’d talked to me before. Seen my assessments. But I was convinced I could handle the assignment. I needed it. He assigned Ace to keep an eye on me. And Ace, rightly, sprang to action when I froze.”
“But I still don’t understand what happened? I remember the man talking to me, and the gun, but everything was a blur after that.”
It was stupid, the reason he froze. He should have known better, but he’d been too arrogant, convinced he could handle a little security detail. “Someone started popping champagne, and I went numb.”
She clapped her hands over her mouth. “That’s what cut me. The champagne glass I was handed.”
“Yep. I saw Williams pull the gun, and stood there. I just stood there,” his voice thickened and he covered his head, shame spiking through him, pressing on his chest like a weight. “Like a goddamned coward, while they did my job and took a bullet as thanks.”
“But you pushed me out of the way, didn’t you?” There was a plea in her voice, as if she was looking for something good in him, something noble, from that day.
He lost himself in the memory, drowning in it for the umpteenth time. “It was Ace. And he took the bullet.” He forced himself to look her in the eye. To accept whatever judgment she meted out. “I took you to safety. That was it.”
She regarded him for a long moment, then cupped his cheek. “Oh, Cash. I’m so sorry.”
Her movement took him by surprise. She was supposed to yell, scream, do something besides offer him kindness. He turned from her touch. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I’m the one that’s sorry. Sorry’s not enough. I’ve failed over and over and over again to keep people safe.” His voice grew tight. “How can you trust me?”
“I trust you because I’m crazy about you,” she hissed fiercely. “I’m falling in love you, Cash.” She blinked furiously, tears glimmering unshed as he locked eyes with her. “You are so brave. And you’ve overcome so much. And you never give up.”
“I did after I got fired,” he whispered, cheeks burning. “I wanted to die.”
She pressed her forehead against his. “But you didn’t. And you’re facing your fears. Every day. I couldn’t be more proud of the man you are.”
“Kate. I want to promise you the moon, but I have nothing to offer you.” His voice thickened. “What if I freeze again?” He’d like to think he was over it, but he wasn’t so foolish as to make a promise he couldn’t be sure to keep. Especially to Kate.
“You won’t. But if you do, then we’ll face it together. You’re okay. We’re both okay.”
“How do you know?” His insides rocked like a boat in a gale.
She placed a hand over his heart. His skin electrified under her palm, heart thumping against it. “I know it in here,” she murmured. “I feel it.”
For a long time, neither of them moved. Cash breathed her in, drawing strength from her steady presence. He couldn’t possibly deserve her goodness, but he didn’t have the energy or the will to fight it anymore. He surrendered to the feeling growing between them. And when he tipped his chin and gently took her mouth, he poured all the love he had into their connection. He threaded his hands through her hair, letting the silky strands wash over him like a baptism. “Kate,” he spoke on a sigh when they parted.
“Make love to me, Cash.”