Chapter Twenty
Ruby wasted no time getting the summons reissued for him to finally, officially receive the dukedom. They were parked outside of Parliament, but Jasper still hadn’t left the carriage. His sister was poised on the edge of her seat. She refused to step out until Jasper did. As if he was going to order the driver to leave the moment she was clear of the doors.
It was difficult to blame her, all things considered.
“I’m not going to bolt, Ruby.”
“All right.”
“It’s safe for you to get out,” he promised.
“Of course it is.” Ruby settled in against the carriage seat.
Jasper sighed. “I just need a moment.”
“Then I’ll take a moment, too.”
“A moment alone?”
If anything, Ruby managed to give the impression of being even more solidly rooted in place. A benign smile graced her lips. “Once the title is confirmed, you can be as alone as you like.”
Or as alone as he didn’t like. It had only been a few days without Julia and he was miserable. He didn’t feel like eating. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep, her face appeared behind his eyelids, haunting him.
I’m doing this for her. For us.
He kept telling himself that, but it wasn’t helping.
In public, he was playing the part. Making the calculated transition from enviable playboy to likeable leader. Letting Ruby drag him to balls and functions meant to reintroduce him to all the right people. But when he went home, he sat in the dark and missed Julia.
There was no point. Staying in the carriage wouldn’t change anything. He couldn’t even tell her the real reason he’d left, and she’d see right through him if he tried to give her excuses. There was nothing to do but accept his fate and try to figure out some way he could go back to visit or a way to write her without her guessing the truth.
Jasper pushed himself off the bench and stepped out of the door.
Ruby let out an audible sigh of relief.
Atherton was waiting for them on the steps. “I’m not doing this a third time, Bellamy. The only reason I’m doing it a second time is because your lovely sister asked me very nicely.”
That must have been difficult, given Atherton’s designs toward Ruby and Ruby’s lack of interest. Although, given the way she was smiling at Atherton now, they’d managed to put most of their past behind them, but either way—Jasper would handle his own affairs from now on. No more allowing his sister to smooth things over or call in favors for him. That wasn’t what his grandfather would have wanted.
It was time to start standing on his own.
“Is the queen here?” Jasper asked.
“No. We’re just bowing to the cloth this time.” Atherton smirked at him. “I don’t think she wanted to run the risk of being embarrassed twice.”
Or she was wary of being face-to-face with Jasper after she’d needlessly ruined his life. It was probably better she hadn’t come. No one had ever been refused under the Royal Marriages Act. One of Jasper’s relatives had gotten his mistress approved after they had two children together, for God’s sake, but somehow, Victoria couldn’t bring herself to accept Julia Bishop. Jasper wasn’t certain he could keep his temper in check if he had to stand in front of her and bend the knee.
Rage swirled deep in his belly, but he pushed it down. Dukes didn’t lose their tempers. Dukes didn’t have tempers. They had power and privilege. Tempers were unnecessary.
This was his life now. Asinine ceremonies, and pretending to be someone he was not. Pretending to be the man his grandfather had been.
Essex met them at the door to the antechamber, with the man known as the Black Rod. “They’ve decided to rush the fanfare this time. We’ll get right to it, if that’s all right with you.”
“Fine.” There was no reason to delay.
They draped him in the crimson and ermine cloak, walking him along in the procession. The herald presented his letters patent, and Jasper bowed to the absent monarchy. His voice caught a few times during the Oath of Allegiance, but he forced his way through it. Then he was signing the roll and being led to a bench for a lot of rising and sitting and the taking on and off of his hat. It all finished with a bow to the Lord Chancellor, and then the procession was being led back out of the chamber.
The entire time, Jasper just thought of Julia. Her smile. The clever gibes she surely would have made about his peers. The way she would be proud of him, even though there was nothing to be proud of. All he’d done was be born and survive this long. He hadn’t earned anything.
He hadn’t earned her.
He would, though. If it was the last thing he did, he would bend the world to his will and become worthy of her in the process.
In the antechamber, Jasper spent the minimum necessary time accepting the congratulation of his peers, making sure to have individual moments with the men Ruby had indicated would be key to his success, and then he headed back to the carriage.
As he climbed in, Ruby asked, “It’s done?”
“It’s done.”
“Did you spend a moment with Wesley, Norton, and—”
“I spent time with everyone you asked me to.”
His sister’s smile should have warmed his heart, but it barely registered. Jasper held one of the most powerful titles in the country, and he’d never felt more helpless.
A year of this. Julia wouldn’t be waiting for him, because as far as she knew, there was nothing to wait for.
Oblivious, Ruby launched into a list of things that needed to be done, now that he was the Duke of Albemarle. “…the gala Lord Wesley is throwing to launch that new painter, and I’ve arranged for an audience with Victoria so you can apologize and get back on the right foot.”
The last part interrupted Jasper’s litany of self-pity. There was one thing he hadn’t yet tried—arguing his case to Victoria.
Maybe she could be made to see reason. Or maybe she needed to be reminded that no monarch had managed a successful reign without the backing of the Duke of Albemarle. Jasper was prepared to use whichever method would achieve the desired result.
“When is the audience?”
Ruby perked up at his interest. “Two weeks. I’m not sure what time—you know how those things go—so you’ll need to clear your whole day.”
“That won’t be a problem.”
He would meet with the queen, but not to apologize. Not even close.
Rain poured down outside her bedroom window, echoing Julia’s mood. Sitting in this house, feeling sorry for herself, missing Jasper, was driving her mad. She tried to muster up the will to hate him, but it wouldn’t come.
“Julia?” Lord Bishop came up behind her.
She plastered a smile she didn’t feel onto her face. “Papa, you’re back.”
“I was just downstairs, filling Amelia in on my trip.” His eyes crinkled with concern. “Your sister told me about—”
Julia held up her hand, stopping him. She didn’t want to talk about Jasper. Not with her father, or with anybody. “I’m fine. How was Mother?”
His face fell even further. “We had a good visit. I think she might be better, but I…I couldn’t tell for certain, so I didn’t bring her back.”
“Love can blind you to the truth sometimes.” Like father, like daughter. They’d both chosen poorly. Julia returned her attention to the dreary scene outside the window.
The heavy warmth of his hand came down on her shoulder. “Julia.”
“You do still love her, don’t you?”
“Very much.”
“How do you—” Julia cleared her throat, refusing to cry again. “How do you stand to be apart? Or to see her, knowing what she did?”
His deep breath filled the space. His hand felt twice as heavy. “What else can I do?”
“Hate her.”
Lord Bishop’s tone was strained, just like Julia’s. “Some days I do. She hurt you girls with what she did, and I can’t forgive that.”
“But it’s still difficult for you to breathe when you realize she’s not here.”
“Yes.”
Julia nodded. “If you hear about a cure for that, you have my permission to pursue it.”
He squeezed her shoulder.
Lord Bishop had never been very good with female despondency. Their mother was fond of the sort of overdramatic outbursts that were easy to discount, and the sisters had always endeavored to be pleasant whenever he was near. But this time, he was faring pretty well. Julia had never felt closer to her father than this moment of shared misery.
He gave her shoulder one last pat, and drew it away. “I have to go into London for some business. Would you like to go with me? A change might cheer you up.”
More people. More reminders that she would never have the life she dreamed of. “No, thank you. I’d just like to be alone.”
“If that’s what you want.”
It was as close as she’d get to what she wanted.
Lord Bishop hesitated at the door. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”
Julia smiled again. She made sure to put effort into it this time. “Perfectly fine, Papa. Have fun in Town.”
Her father nodded, instructing her not to get up to too much trouble, and then he, too, was gone. Someday it would be just like this—everyone gone and Julia all alone.
Except for Amelia.
The door opened again, and her sister joined her at the window, a near-permanent presence the last few weeks. It was putting a strain on Amelia and Nick’s marriage. They hardly spent any time together, with Amelia constantly by Julia’s side, and Nick was too good of a friend to admit he missed his wife’s attention. Julia had told her to stop. She’d even tried to leave to go back to home, but Amelia had gone so far as to instruct the staff not to ready any carriages or saddle any horses for Julia unless Amelia was with her.
“You should go to London,” Amelia announced.
“So that was your idea.”
“I think it would do you some good.”
“And risk running into Jasper? I don’t think so.” What would she even say to him?
Julia left the window and slumped down onto the chair by the fire, leafing through a book in the hopes that her sister would take the hint and leave the room.
No such luck.
Amelia dropped down beside her and took the book, putting it out of her reach. “I can’t believe you’re taking this lying down.”
“Believe it.”
“The royal messenger came right before he left. Don’t you wonder why?”
“No.” Julia was done with wondering. All she wanted to do was forget him. She wanted to go back to being the Julia Bishop that had never known what it was like to be loved by Jasper DeVere.
To be left by him.
“He asked the queen for permission to marry you.”
Everything in the room went still. Julia’s breath caught and the feeling of her heartbeat came in slow motion. He’d wanted to marry her.
No.
It was just more cowardice. He had no business asking Victoria, when he hadn’t bothered to ask Julia. She shook out her hands, taking a deep breath to keep her body from trying to start crying again. It wasn’t romantic, because he wasn’t here. Whatever Jasper and Julia might have been, he’d ruined it. He’d left. He didn’t get credit for doing or feeling anything, because he hadn’t been man enough to stay.
Amelia watched her closely. “Aren’t you curious about what the response was?”
“Does it matter? If he left because she said no, he still left.” It was time to put a stop to this. Julia had let go of the hope that he was coming back. Now Mia needed to do the same. This wasn’t doing either of them any good.
“It’d be a reason, and—”
“He didn’t want me, Mia! Not enough to make a difference.” Julia squeezed her eyes shut to keep from breaking down into more useless tears. “Whatever the reason, he didn’t stay, and he didn’t care enough to tell me why he was leaving. He doesn’t love me.”
“I don’t believe that, and neither do you.”
She had to. You didn’t just abandon the people you love with no word, no explanation. Whatever that was, it wasn’t love. Someone who loved her wouldn’t put her through this. Nothing he could say would change that.
Amelia took her hands, squeezing a little too hard. “You deserve a reason, Julia.”
Julia closed her eyes. “If I ask him, and he tells me the truth—that he just didn’t love me enough…”
It would destroy her.
Because she had felt loved. Right up until the moment he left her. She’d already lost him. She didn’t want to add insult to injury by hearing him tell her how little she meant to him. Not when she still had a few good memories to cherish.
“Even if that’s what he says, you know it’s not true. We both know that’s not true.”
If they were having this conversation, whether Julia wanted it or not, then they would have it all the way. She opened her eyes and looked her sister directly in the face. “If he loved me, then why did he go?”
“I don’t think he wanted to.”
Not good enough. “Why did he go, Mia?”
“Maybe he was afraid.”
He didn’t get to be afraid. Not after the things he’d said, the life he’d tricked her into wanting. “What was his reason, Mia? What’s the thing that makes it all forgivable?”
“I—” Amelia’s voice broke. She looked away, pulling her hands back. “I don’t know, but neither will you until you ask him.”
Was that what everyone wanted? Was that what it would take for them to finally leave her alone? Her ripping her heart out by seeing him one last time and making him admit he’d run way because it wasn’t worth it anymore?
Fine. If that was what had to be done, she’d give it to them. When it didn’t change anything and she was still impossibly miserable, they would let her sit by herself and feel however she wanted to feel, or she would burn this bloody house down.
Julia stood up, shaking the wrinkles from her skirts. “Go stop Father from leaving while I have Nora pack.”
“You’re going to London?” Amelia jumped up with a giant grin on her face. “You’re going to fight for Jasper?”
“For him—no.” Julia’s eyes narrowed into slits. “But there will definitely be a fight.”