Katie
I can't believe we’re doing this again. But, there's this strange, inexplicable magnetism between us that I can't deny. No matter how hard I try – and I've tried – I can't pretend it doesn't exist. It's as overwhelming as it is unexpected. And although some small piece of my brain is screaming at me to stop, the more primal, lustful part of my brain – and my body – surrenders to the moment.
“Take off your pants,” I say, my voice tight with desire.
Aidan flashes me one of his roguish smiles that makes my heart skip a beat. He reaches for his belt quickly, obviously as anxious as I am. I sneak a quick glance at the clock and see that it's almost noon. Jessa works until two today, so we have a little bit of time. Which is a good thing. I want to slow this down and savor every moment of this.
“Slowly,” I say, my voice thick with desire. “Give me a show.”
Knowing a little bit of Aidan's backstory, and that I’m not just a piece of ass to him, eases my mind. Seeing the pain in his eyes when he spoke of his fiancée let me know it was real. That he wasn't just making excuses or trying to justify how awkward and strained things got.
And of course, hearing him tell me that he likes me – that made my heart swell with feelings I don't know I've ever felt before. Certainly nothing I ever felt with Victor. There are so many emotions swirling around within me, and I don't know how to identify them, let alone what to do with them.
The undercurrent of all this, though, is the fact that I'm pregnant with his child, and he doesn't know. I meant to tell him. He just caught me completely by surprise when he showed up on my doorstep the way he did. I wasn't prepared. Not one bit.
I had a whole speech planned out, and I was going to go up to his place, deliver it, and let the chips fall where they may. But, here we are, doing what got us into this mess in the first place, all over again. Yet, I don't want to stop. As crazy as it sounds, I want Aidan. Need him. My whole body is crying out for him and begging for the release only he can give me.
My speech can wait for a little while longer. It's not like anything will change in the next hour or so, anyway. Right?
His eyes smoldering with a raw lust, Aidan slowly unbuckles his belt and then his pants. His gaze never leaves mine as he slides the zipper down. Quickly growing impatient, I reach out and pull him closer to me. Grabbing hold of his pants, I slide them down his hips. The bulge in his boxer briefs sets my most intimate parts ablaze. He moans softly when I grab hold of him through his boxers, rubbing and stroking his cock.
I look up at him and run the tip of my tongue around my lips suggestively. His eyes are wild with desire. I want him. I need him. I need him deep inside of me.
“Tell me what you want,” I say.
“I want your mouth on my cock, Katie.”
“How bad do you want it?”
He grabs hold of my hair, intent on showing me just how bad he wants it, but I swat his hand away and grin at him.
“Not so fast,” I say, teasing him. “I want you to tell me.”
“I want it so bad it hurts,” he says, his voice husky.
The smile that stretches across my face at his words is almost leonine, and I want nothing more than to devour him right there on the spot.
“You like that, Katie?” he asks.
Rather than answer him, I decide to show him what I think about it. I slip his boxer briefs down and feel my breath catch in my throat when his cock springs free. I run my fingernails up and down his thick shaft, feeling a shudder pass through his body at my touch. He looks down at me, and I can see the hunger in his eyes. The yearning.
Leaning forward, I plant a soft kiss on the end of his member, slipping my tongue out to tease the sensitive spot just beneath the head. Aidan draws in a sharp breath. His brows are furrowed and his jaw tight. I can see how badly he wants me to swallow his cock. His face is etched with the most intense expression of desire I’ve ever seen on another person. I smile as I run the tip of my tongue up and down his thick shaft, giving him a few gentle strokes with my hand. Slowly. I make sure to take my time, and not rush it.
I love having this power and control over him.
I can feel Aidan's body tense, as he grows impatient, and I look up at him with amusement in my eyes. I can see the raw need in his face. His face is flushed, and I know he's trying so hard to not just take me – something we both know he can do at any time, if he wants to. Instead, I decide to give him what he wants.
Aidan lets out a moan as I work my hand and mouth in unison.
“Fuck, Katie,” he murmurs.
Increasing my pace, I feel his body become tense and tight, and his breathing grows ragged. A low growl passes his lips, and he quickly takes a step back, and grins at me as he tries to regain his control.
“Not yet,” he says. “I want to be inside of you. I need to feel you, Katie.”
I'm willing to give him that concession, only because I'd really like that, too. I stand up and pull my yoga pants down, kicking them across the room. I feel a little self-conscious standing before him completely naked, but I watch Aidan's eyes slide up and down my body as he drinks me in. There's a look of near-awe on his face, and he stares at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Like I'm the only woman in the world. It's a feeling that not only makes me smile, but makes the desire between my thighs burn that much hotter.
No man has ever looked at me with such pure admiration and adoration before, and it makes me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.
He steps forward and reaches for me, obviously intent on taking control of the situation. I put my hand on his chest to stop him, though, a sultry little smile upon my lips.
“Lay on the bed,” I tell him.
A wolfish smile on his face, he puts his hands on my hips, and starts to push me back, but I hold my ground. He looks at me with an amused sparkle in his eye, but also a gleam of arousal. As much as he likes being in control, I can tell he enjoys having me take charge.
“On the bed,” I command.
Aidan does as I tell him and lays down on the bed, flat on his back. He's looking at me expectantly, content to do things my way – at least, for now. I crawl onto the bed and slide my way up his body. His eyes are riveted to mine as I straddle his face. He smiles and grabs hold of my ass, his fingers pressing into my flesh.
“Please, Aidan.”
His stubble tickles the insides of my thighs as Aidan runs his tongue around my wet, swollen lips. He teases my clit with the tip of his tongue, making me shudder. He plunges his tongue deep into me, and I cry out.
I throw my head back, moaning and calling his name as I gently rock my hips while he takes my clit into his mouth. When he gives it a little nip, I gasp at the slight twinge of pain. It quickly intertwines with the pleasure flooding through me, making the sensations shooting through my body that much more vivid and intense.
“Mm, yes,” I call out, gripping his hair even harder.
Aidan's grip on my ass tightens, and he pulls me down onto his face at the same time he drives his tongue into me again.
My orgasm hits me out of nowhere, and literally takes my breath away. A choked gasp is the only sound that escapes my throat as my body starts to tremble. Aidan keeps licking me, his eyes glittering with sexiness and mischief as I writhe on top of him.
Slowly, the tension in my body melts away, and I feel limp as a noodle. I fall to the side, landing on my back, and stare up at the ceiling. My head is still spinning, and I turn my head and look over at Aidan, who's looking back at me with a smile on his face.
“That was amazing, Aidan.”
He rolls over, now laying half on top of me, staring down into my eyes. I see the need in Aidan’s face, and it arouses me to know I'm the reason behind it. He starts to climb on top of me, but I push him back again, a flirty smirk on my face.
“Uh-uh,” I say, my voice a little throaty. “I'm not done with you yet.”
I roll over and open the drawer of my nightstand. Pulling out a condom, I quickly rip open the package and then climb on top of him again, this time, straddling his waist. I place the condom over his tip and unroll it, gripping him firmly when I reach the base. I see the pleasure crossing his face as I do so.
Positioning myself above him, I slowly lower myself down onto him, my eyes never leaving his. I slip the head of his cock between the velvety folds of my lips and he slides in a little deeper. Placing my hands on his chest to brace myself, I take more of him into me.
Aidan stretches me open, making my body tingle with what feels like tiny shocks of electricity. It makes me feel so… alive.
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, allowing my body to adjust. Aidan looks up at me, his eyes burning with desire. I plant my hands on his thick, broad chest, his muscles corded and toned beneath my fingers, and start to rock my hips.
A low moan passes my lips as I start moving faster. I push my hands down on his chest to give myself more leverage as I begin to move up and down, impaling myself on his long, hard cock. Aidan lets out a growl as I fuck him, his face a mask of absolute ecstasy.
He sends a shiver through my body as he slides his hands up my stomach, taking my breasts in his hands. He massages them, pinching my nipples and drawing a moan from me. I quicken my pace, riding him even harder than before, grinding myself up and down.
I throw my head back and cry out as I dig my nails into his chest, my orgasm rising as quickly as the tide. I look down to find Aidan's jaw clenched and his gaze locked on mine. I feel his cock swelling inside of me and know that he's close. Knowing that I'm bringing him to the edge of bliss, and there's nothing he can do to stop it, brings a wicked little smile to my face.
His hands are on my hips, his fingers firmly pressing into me as we fill the room with a sensual and erotic music.
I'm reaching the peak and want him there with me. I want us to topple over that edge and fall down into a valley of ecstasy together.
“Come for me, Aidan,” I say. “I want to feel you come inside of me.”
He grits his teeth, trying to hold off the inevitable. I dig my nails into his chest, and he draws in a sharp breath.
“I want to feel you come,” I growl. “Come for me.”
A long, low moan escapes his throat as I feel his cock start to pulse and throb deep within me. I grind myself on him harder as he erupts, taking him in as deep as I can. He cries out as he comes for me, setting off an explosion within me as well, and my body is gripped by another powerful orgasm that leaves me shaking and trembling. I throw my head back and cry out as I'm wrapped up in a white-hot web of carnal sensation.
I fall forward onto him, burying my face in his neck as we're washed away on a river of bliss. As our breathing and hearts eventually begin to slow, Aidan strokes my hair, planting a soft kiss on the top of my head. When I feel in control of my body once more, I roll off him, flopping onto my back beside him.
“That was incredible,” I say.
“Agreed,” he replies.
He rolls over onto his side, propping himself up on his arm and stares down at me. There's a curious look in his eye, and a faintly enigmatic smile on his lips.
“What is it?” I ask.
A small laugh passes his lips. “I can't believe we did it again.”
I laugh along with him and shake my head. “Yeah, me either.”
This time, though, feels different. The air between us isn't quite as strained before. It isn't quite as awkward. Something has changed between us. It's small and subtle, but I can sense the difference – and I think he can too. While we're still far away from an actual relationship, there's a compatibility between us now – a feeling of comfort and companionship that didn't exist before.
Undercutting it all, though, is the tension and fear that comes with the secret I’m harboring inside of me. I have to wonder how radically things will change once I tell him. Will he reject me? Walk away from me? Will he be angry?
I don't get the impression that Aidan wants children. Maybe, in his former life he did. Now, I don't know if a child would be too much of a reminder of what he lost when his fiancée died. I don't think – given his current secluded, reclusive lifestyle – he has room in his heart for children. He barely has room for anyone, really. His soul is preoccupied with darkness and grief to the exclusion of almost everything else.
And I'm left to wonder what that will mean for me – and our child.
I find myself hoping that things won't turn ugly. That this will be a good thing; one that will bond us together, rather than tear us apart.
It's an odd, perhaps even unlikely, hope to have, but it's there, nonetheless.
“I'm not sorry we did though,” he says. “Not at all.”
I bite my bottom lip and try to stave off the schoolgirl giggles.
“Me either,” I reply softly.
I lay my hand against his cheek, his closely-trimmed beard scratchy beneath my skin. He leans into my touch, and I stare into his steely blue-gray eyes, finding my heart swelling. I really wasn’t looking for a relationship. Honestly, I've been too scared to put myself on the line like that after everything that happened with Victor. Now, I'm pretty gun-shy when it comes to men – not that I think anyone would really blame me for that.
Aidan is different, though. For reasons I can't explain, I feel comfortable around him. He's big and gruff, sure. But, he's also gentle and caring. While he obviously can be protective – just ask Leon – I don't get the sense that he'd ever turn his anger on me. Not in a million years. I think he'd almost rather die before raising a hand to me. From what I know about him, I can tell that Aidan Anderson is a genuinely decent man with a good heart.
He's a man who – like me – bears deep scars from his past. Like me, he's a damaged soul. And there's a small part of me that wonders whether or not two broken people could be what the other needs to put themselves back together – or whether we'd just make the damage that much worse.
It's a thought I have no business having right now. Maybe, not ever. I can't afford to surrender to my emotions again. I've done that before and look where it got me. I ruthlessly push away all the thoughts and feelings I have on the subject, and try to enjoy the moment. But then, I glance over at the clock and grimace.
“Jessa – my roommate – should be home soon,” I groan. “We should probably get dressed.”
He nods. “Do you want me to leave?”
“No, it's okay,” I reply. “I just don't want her walking in on us naked.”
“Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.”
I laugh. “Oh, she'd love it. She’d probably suggest a three-way.”
Aidan gives me a crooked little smile. “Well hey, give me half an hour and –”
I laugh and slap him on the chest. “Pig.”
“You’re the one that mentioned it. I was just trying to be compliant.”
We climb out of bed and get dressed. As we do, I revel in how much easier it feels to be around him now. As much as I'd relished the mind-blowing sex, something about that newfound feeling and ease between us is even better.
With those thoughts running through my mind, I watch him dress, admiring how his muscles ripple as he moves. I stand there, quietly observing, until I realize I’m staring like some kind of pervert. He looks over and catches me, setting off a warm flush in my cheeks as a wide smile spreads across his face.
“Enjoying the view?” he asks.
I clear my throat and do my best to look indignant. “Yeah, it's okay, I suppose.”
He laughs, and I can't help but join in. He pulls me to him and kisses me deeply, gently. There's a lot of emotion behind that kiss – not just lust and desire anymore. There’s more. And when I pull back, I can see a painful mix of emotions on Aidan’s face. I can only guess what’s going through his mind, and my heart goes out to him.
But, as quick as that flash of genuine emotion appeared, it’s gone again. Aidan composes himself and is back in the moment. With me. His smile melts my heart and the sparkle in his eye that set my insides ablaze returns.
Yeah, this is really dangerous. But, for the first time in a very long time, I’m not afraid. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it yet, but for now, I'm content to live in this moment here with him.
But, I know the ease I feel in this moment might change. I still have to tell him. Jessa is right; Aidan deserves to know. We have some serious decisions to make – together – and I can't control whatever happens after that any more than the sun rising and setting.
The mere thought of actually having that conversation makes my pulse race, and my heart stutter. It's filling me with an anxiety I've never known before, and suddenly, all I want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and wish it all away.
* * *
“Oliver,” he says sternly. “Bad, bad dog.”
Oliver is laying on the couch, looking incredibly uncomfortable, his belly very full. The spread Aidan had laid out on the coffee table has been decimated. The peanut butter crackers, croissants, bagels, lox, and half of the danishes he brought, were all wiped out by Hurricane Oliver.
Oliver rolls over onto his back and groans, but wags his tail, and I can't help but laugh. Aidan looks at me, a stern expression on his face, doing his best to not laugh along.
“You're not helping,” he says. “You're only encouraging him. He should know better than that.”
I shrug. “Well, it's not entirely his fault.”
“No? How do you figure?”
“Well, if we hadn't been so – distracted – he wouldn't have been so tempted,” I say, and give him a knowing little smile. “I mean, I can't really blame the guy. I know what it's like to want something so bad, you can't resist the temptation.”
Aidan grins at me, obviously catching my meaning. “Yeah, I suppose I can understand that too.”
Oliver gives us a half-hearted groan as we clean up the mess he left in the wake of his food orgy. Once we have everything cleaned up, I take a seat next to the big dog and idly stroke his belly while Aidan stretches out in the oversized leather recliner. He looks over at me, and I can see there's something he wants to ask.
“What is it?” I ask. “I can see it all over your face, so you might as well spit it out.”
He grins for a moment, and then it falters and fades away completely. I can tell that something is weighing heavy on his conscience, though for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. And I wonder if it's remotely as serious as what's on my mind right now.
“The knife,” he finally says, interrupting my inner monologue. “Under the couch cushion. What's it for?”
Oh. That. That is a conversation I want to have only slightly less than the one where I tell him I’m pregnant.
Idly stroking Oliver's bloated belly, I let out a long breath and lean back on the couch, debating how much I should tell him. Or whether I should say anything at all. I rack my brain and try to come up with something plausible but can't form a convincing lie fast enough.
But when I look up into his beautiful blue-grey eyes and realize that I don't want to lie to him. I have no idea why but I feel like I can trust him with the truth; maybe it’s because he carries similar scars and pain.
I take in a deep breath and exhale slowly.
“Remember the ex-boyfriend I told you about?” I finally ask.
“Yeah, I remember.”
I look down at Oliver who is happily wagging his tail as I rub his belly. I can't bear to look at Aidan as I tell my story. I don't know why, but I can't meet his eyes. Not right now.
“Well, there's more to the story than I told you,” I say.
“I know,” he replies.
That does draw my attention, and I look up. “How could you possibly know?”
“I can see it in your eyes,” he says. “But, I wasn't going to press you on it. I figured you'd talk to me about it when the time was right. Or not. Either way, it's your story to tell – not something to force out of you.”
It's amazing how perceptive he is. Or maybe, I'm just lousy about hiding my emotions, and give away more than I think. Either way, I appreciate him not pressing me to talk about something so deeply personal. I think that says a lot about him as a person, honestly. It shows a level of respect for my privacy that I appreciate – something I haven’t found common in men. At least, not the men I've ever known.
“Victor was abusive,” I say, telling him what he already knows. “But, I never told you how bad it actually was.”
He remains silent and just watches me with not only a smoldering anger about my abuse in his eyes, but a genuine, sincere compassion that melts my heart. I tell him everything; I tell him about the mental, physical, and emotional abuse I endured at Victor's hands. And the story of how I escaped and ended up here in Ashton Mill.
Aidan sits forward in his seat, his hands clasped in front of him. He never interrupts me. He just listens. Through it all, I notice his face is darkening. By the time I'm done, his eyes are narrow, and his jaw is clenched – he’s flat-out pissed.
If his anger was directed at me, it would be terrifying to see such a large man on the verge of exploding with rage.
“I'm sorry you had to endure that, Katie,” he says, his voice tight with anger. “It's – unbelievable.”
I shrug. “At least I got away,” I say. “And I know some have it a lot worse than I ever did.”
“That doesn't diminish your pain or suffering,” he says. “That doesn't minimize what you went through.”
“Maybe not,” I say, patting Oliver's belly as he begins to snore. “But, I'm one of the lucky ones. I got out. I survived.”
“Which shows just how strong you are.”
“I don't know about that –”
“I do,” he says. “Not everybody has the kind of strength you have, Katie. That kind of courage. Not everyone has the fortitude and strength to rebuild their life like you have. Don't discount that.”
I feel a burst of heat in my cheeks when Aidan compliments me. I've never been very good at accepting praise. Especially, when I don't feel like I deserve it. It's not like I did anything all that heroic. I escaped. I ran away. If I truly had the strength and courage Aidan thinks I do, I would have done something about Victor. Somehow put his ass in jail. The fact that he's still out there, free to victimize another woman – and that he probably will – leaves me feeling unworthy of Aidan's words, no matter how kind and well-intentioned.
“Why are you carrying around a knife though?” he asks.
I let out a long breath. “Because he called me last night.”
“He what?”
A give him a grim smile. “I don't know how he found my number – I'm not listed anywhere – but he got it, all the same,” I say. “He called me. Made all kinds of vague threats.”
“Son of a bitch,” he growls.
“Jessa thinks he's just playing mind games with me,” I say. “That it's another form of abuse and manipulation. That he's trying to regain control. After giving it some thought, I kind of agree with her.”
“If it's all mind games,” he asks, “then why do you feel the need to carry a knife around with you?”
I look down at the sleeping dog, doing my best to control the wave of fear that’s threatening to crash over me, sweeping me out to sea. It’s stupid. I know the real story behind the clown-man in the parking lot now, but it's left me rattled. A rueful grin touches my lips as I recount the story to Aidan, telling him how I ran from the restaurant, and how the whole episode had shaken me to my core.
Aidan nods slightly, deep in thought as he listens. And when I finish, he lets out a slight chuckle.
“That messed with you, huh?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“And you're sure it was this kid? This – Hollins kid?” he presses.
I sit back on the couch and shoot Aidan a wry grin. Honestly, I don't have an answer to that question. I really want to believe what Jessa said – that the clown-man was just the Hollins kid playing a stupid prank, totally unrelated to Victor's call. That it was all just a strange coincidence of timing, and one thing has nothing to do with the other. But, some small part of me still isn’t sure. That thinks it could have been Victor – despite all evidence to the contrary. This is the same part that still believes he’s eventually going to show up on my doorstep and kill me.
“About as sure as I can be. Jessa had seen him do it before,” I say. “But, it's not like I talked to the kid myself.”
I know my paranoia is a result of the abuse I endured. I've been conditioned to live in fear. To expect the worst and live my life in terror, jumping at every shadow, flinching at every sound. I know that's part of it, if not most of it.
But, I also know that Victor doesn’t take rejection well. I know he won’t accept being rebuffed or walked out on. And he's definitely not going to tolerate being shown up by a woman. He's too used to getting his own way all the time. And when he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, his reaction is usually angry and violent. That's his nature. His default setting. I knew it when I was making my plans to escape. It's why I needed to fall off the face of the earth, and disappear entirely.
“Are you okay?” he asks gently. “You look scared.”
Yeah, I'm scared. I'm terrified of my psycho ex, and I don’t know how to tell you that I'm carrying your child. I'm experiencing a regular carnival of fear today, thanks for asking.
“Call it PTSD or something,” I say, as a rueful grin crosses my face.
Aidan's stormy eyes bore into me, his expression serious. “Do you believe Victor is going to show up here, Katie?”
I shake my head weakly. “No, I don't. Not really,” I say, hoping I sound more confident than I feel. “For the most part, I think the piece of me that's still processing the abuse is what’s telling me otherwise. I don't think he actually knows where I am. Logically, I have to doubt he's going to just show up on my doorstep one day. It's just a matter of giving my heart time to catch up with my head.”
He cocks his head and gives me a strange look – one I can't identify.
“Why don't you come stay at my place,” he says. “Until your heart catches up with your head. I've got more than enough room, as you saw –”
I shake my head again, this time, more forcefully. “No, that's okay,” I say. “I don't need you to protect me.”
“I know you don't,” he says. “It would, however, ease my mind to know you're not down here with that stalker running around. I mean, not to sound too paranoid but if he has a number you haven't listed anywhere, what other information does he have?”
“I'm not listed on any of the bills here,” I say. “My name isn't really anywhere to be found, and –”
“I have people who work for me that can find any breadcrumb you leave behind,” he says. “Things you'd never even think about. We all leave a footprint, Katie. With the right tech guys...”
He doesn't finish his statement, but he doesn't have to. I get it. I know he's right. In this day and age, unless you are truly living an eighteenth-century lifestyle, move to the middle of absolutely nowhere with no neighbors in a fifty-mile radius, and zero internet connection – you can be found.
I’ve known that all along, and was banking on the fact that Victor's not smart enough to do it himself and doesn't have the right people who can make that fear of mine a reality.
I laugh softly. “So, what? Am I going to stay with you forever? I mean, it's not like Victor is going away anytime soon. He's going to be messing with me for a very long time.”
He sits back in his seat, and scratches his beard again. “Let me worry about Victor.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
Aidan doesn't answer me. I stare at him, and a terrible premonition flows through me as I think back to Aidan's fight with Leon. Although I know he'd never hurt me, I know he wouldn't hesitate to hurt Victor – or maybe worse.
In my heart, I don't believe that Aidan is capable of killing a man. But the truth of the matter is that I don't really know him all that well. For all I know, he could be a serial killer with a basement full of bodies.
No, I don't actually believe Aidan’s got some weird sex dungeon. I know he's not like that.
But, if he thought he was doing the right thing – like protecting me – would he be capable of the unthinkable?
“Aidan, what do you mean by that?” I ask again.
“Probably not what you're thinking,” he says and laughs. “But, believe me when I say I can definitely handle him. That I can make sure he never bothers you again.”
I lean forward. “And how are you going to do that?” I ask. “Victor isn't one who takes hints very well.”
He shrugs. “Not sure yet,” he replies. “But, I know some people. People who are very good at their job and… very persuasive. Who will make sure Victor gets the message. Until then, I just want to keep you safe. And I'd be able to do that a lot better at my place.”
His words send a chill through me, and my head is flooded with images of Aidan and his “people” taking Victor out to some lonely old field and dumping his body in a shallow grave. Although I wouldn't mourn his loss, I'm not going to actively root for his death, either.
Though, truth be told, I'm having a hard time reconciling that image – admittedly, I've probably watched a few too many mob movies – with the man sitting before me. With Aidan, who is kind and compassionate. The man who is such a generous and giving lover. The man who, despite his rugged exterior, is a genuinely soft and warm person.
The two opposing images of the same man don’t connect in my head.
“I appreciate it, Aidan. I really do,” I say. “I just – I think we can leave things as they are. It was one phone call, and I'm probably blowing it out of proportion. I let him get into my head and under my skin. I don't think he actually knows where I'm at. He’s not going to show up here. I don’t believe I’m actually in any danger. It just – it freaked me out, is all.”
“I don't think I'm willing to take that risk, Katie.”
“It's not your risk to take, Aidan.”
Although his concern is well-intentioned, I'm growing a little frustrated with his insistence on protecting me. First with Leon, and now this. I'm not his to protect. Hell, we're not even dating. Even if we were, I wouldn't be the damsel-in-distress type he has to protect from the world. I like to think I'm strong, independent, and capable of handling shit myself.
And though, I appreciate him being concerned about my well-being, I don't like the direction this conversation is going. I don't like the dark, ominous feeling between us.
“I know it's not,” he says softly. “I just don't know if I can live with myself if I – if I let it happen again.”
I cock my head and look at him. Blended with the darkness in his face, there is a genuine pain in his eyes. The kind of deep, permanent pain that sears your soul. I get the idea it has something to do with his fiancée, but I don’t know that for certain. It's just a feeling I have. I don’t actually have any idea what he’s talking about. All I can gather from what little he's told me, is that he feels responsible for her death.
“Aidan?” I ask softly. “Let what happen again?”
He looks away and clears his throat, pulling himself back together quickly. And when he finally turns back to me again, the pain has disappeared from his face. All that remains is the anger simmering below the surface. That emotion, he can't seem to disguise. The rest of his emotions, he's mastered the art of hiding beneath a mask of cool neutrality.
“I just don't want to anything bad to happen to you, Katie,” he says. “Even though I don't know what this is between us right now, I do know that we have a special connection – and I know you feel it too. And, ultimately, I don't want you to live in fear the rest of your life. I don't want you looking over your shoulder all the time because you're afraid Victor might pop up. You shouldn't have to carry that burden, Katie. I want to deal with this once and for all. I want you to live your best life – free and happy.”
I feel like there's more he wants to say – something more personal, maybe. The fact that he even admitted to feeling a connection with me blows me away. I know he’s not really given to expressing his emotions.
“I appreciate your concern, Aidan. I really do,” I say. “You're right, I do feel a deep connection to you. But, this is my problem to deal with. And I'll deal with it. This isn't your problem to –”
“Katie, I –”
I hold my hand up to stop him. “No,” I say. “Like I said, I appreciate your concern. I'll handle it though. I don't want you anywhere near Victor. I know you have friends, but he does too. And they are bad people who do even worse things. And if anything happened to you because of me, I couldn’t bear that anymore than you could if something were to happen to me. I can’t stand to see that happen. So, just let me deal with it.”
He lets out a long breath and runs a hand through his hair. I can tell he wants to argue. I know, deep down, Aidan just wants to protect me. Unlike Victor, he’s doing all of this because he cares about me. He doesn’t want to control me, or manipulate me into doing what he wants.
This isn't really his fight, though. It's mine. And I've been living too long in the shadow of fear. If nothing else, Victor's phone call served as a wake-up call for me. It’s time to finally close that chapter of my life and move forward, rather than just cowering and hiding from it, hoping it will solve itself and go away.
It will never go away. Victor, will never go away. Not unless I make him.
“Just let me handle it, Aidan,” I say, firmly and with a core of steel in my voice. “I'll deal with it.”
He gives me a long look and then a small nod. “Okay,” he says. “I'll let you deal with it in your way. Just know that I'm always here to help.”
“Thank you,” I reply and give him a smile. I feel a little more emboldened and powerful than before. “And as for us, I want to explore things between us more. No pressure, of course, but maybe we can just – see where this goes.”
The smile on Aidan's face transforms him from angry-looking mountain man to a far softer, kinder person.
“You know? I think I'd like that,” he replies softly. “I think I'd like that a lot.”
Hearing those words is almost enough to push out all the fear and dread circling inside my heart.
Almost. There's still the other matter to deal with, and now seems like the optimal time. Or, at least, a less crappy time.
“Before you go any further with that, I need to tell you something,” I say. “Something that might change your thinking about everything.”
“Please tell me you're not married or something,” he says and chuckles.
“Hardly.”
My pulse is racing, and my heart is beating so hard, I feel like I'm on the verge of passing out. My throat is suddenly dry, but my palms are absolutely drenched with sweat. I’ve never felt this nervous in all my life.
“Hey,” Aidan says gently, touching my hand, his voice filled with concern. “What is it?”
I struggle to find a way to make the situation sound more palatable, and less – hell, I don't know – shocking? I don't know how to phrase it in any other terms but the harsh truth, so I go with what I know.
“I'm pregnant, Aidan,” I say flatly. “I'm pregnant, and it’s yours.”
His eyes grow wide, and his mouth falls open. He runs a hand across his face and looks away. I see his face darken, his expression change, and I can practically see the cogs in his brain turning in his head.
“Wow,” he says. “We even used protection.”
“Well, it obviously failed.”
“Obviously,” he says and chuckles. “You're sure?”
I feel my cheeks flush. I'm immediately insulted and put on the defensive by his insinuation. My eyes narrow and I ball my hands into fists. The nerve of him to suggest that I'm someone who sleeps around – is infuriating. Beyond infuriating, really.
“You are the only man I've slept with in a very long time, Aidan. Frankly, I can’t believe that –”
He laughs, a short, barking noise, and shakes his head, cutting me off before I can really get started. Aidan holds up his hands in mock surrender, the wide smile on his face shocking the hell out of me.
“Not what I meant,” he says. “Sorry for not putting it better or being more clear. I was only asking if you're sure you're pregnant.”
“Oh. Sorry. I thought – well, it doesn't matter what I thought. But yes, I'm sure,” I answer. “The question is – what are we going to do about it? I just felt like you should know, since it is your child and all, and I wanted you to have a voice. I mean, we have some decisions to make, and I thought it best we do it together.”
“And I appreciate that. A lot,” he says. “This is really blowing my mind right now, and honestly, I don't know what to think of it. I can't wrap my head around it all.”
“That's understandable,” I say. “It's a lot.”
“I'm just sorry you had to bear the weight of this alone,” he says.
I shake my head. “I haven't known long,” I say lamely.
I have to say, his demeanor is surprising me. He's shocked. Obviously. But, he doesn't seem defensive or hostile. And he's not running out the door. If anything, he seems oddly – peaceful?
“What are we going to do, Aidan?” I ask, cringing at the note of panic in my voice.
He gives me a thousand-watt smile. “Well, I guess we're going to raise a child.”
I look at him, wide-eyed, and swallowed hard. “Are you serious?”
He shrugs. “If you'll have me,” he says. “This has totally caught me by surprise. It's the last thing I expected when I showed up here today, to be honest. But, I'm going to do right by you, and our child, Katie. I don't ever want you to –”
“And I want you to know you aren’t obligated to do anything,” I say. “The last thing I want is to be a burden on you. I'm okay raising this child on my own, I just –”
“You always anticipate the worst-case scenario first, don't you?” he says, and laughs.
I feel myself blush. “Yeah, I guess I do that. Sometimes.”
“Listen, I wasn't expecting this. But, you're not a burden or an obligation,” he explains, a gentle smile on his handsome face. “I was serious when I said that you're special to me, Katie. I really, truly think so. I haven't felt the way I do about you for a long, long time. And I was serious when I said I also want to explore this thing between us. This doesn't change that. I can't promise you anything. I don't know how things will end up between us. But, I want to try. If I closed myself off to you, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. In a way, I feel like this is what was supposed to happen. I mean, what are the odds? We were together once, and we used protection – and you still end up pregnant? Really, what are the odds of that?”
“Yeah, that's exactly what Jessa said.”
My heart is filled to the point I fear it might burst. Warm, salty tears well in my eyes and streak down my cheeks. Aidan reaches out and gently brushes them away. The smile on his face is radiant, and one I've never seen on his face before. It's almost like he’s radiating happiness from within.
It is not the reaction I expected – not even close. But, I can't say I'm unhappy with it. In fact, I'm over the moon about it. But, me being me, my mind automatically goes to the dark place, and casts a pall over everything.
“What if it doesn't work out between us, though?” I ask.
“No matter what happens, I promise that you and our child will want for nothing. Ever.”
“It's not about material things, Aidan,” I say.
“I know that,” he says. “I just want you to know that no matter what happens between us, you'll be taken care of. I promise you that.”
I'm not going to lie, knowing that I won’t have to worry about the financial aspect of raising a child alone eases my mind quite a bit. I honestly don't know if I could do it on a waitresses' salary, such as it is. Knowing that Aidan, no matter what, will step up and make that a non-issue, takes a load of worry off my mind.
Honestly, I was dreading telling him. I read a bunch of newspaper stories about rich men who will hire a veritable army of lawyers to refute paternity. I'd be lying if I said that wasn’t a concern floating through my head.
But, I shouldn't be surprised that Aidan says he'll step up. He's a good man with an even kinder heart. I shouldn't have ever doubted him. But, just like he said, my brain automatically goes to the worst-case scenario. Of course, the month of radio silence after sleeping together did nothing to ease my fears.
At least I won't have worry about that. But, I want more than a guy who cuts a check once a month. I want Aidan. Very much.
“As for us,” he says. “I promise to give you everything I have. Everything I can. You're special, Katie. You've touched something deep inside of me, and I want to explore that. I truly do.”
“I do too, Aidan,” I say.
“I just want you to know, it might not be easy. I know I can be – difficult. I've got a lot of baggage. I've got issues. I know that. I just need you to be sure this is what you want. I need you to go into this with an open heart.”
“We've both got issues, Aidan. You're not unique in that,” I say and chuckle. “We can tackle them. Together.”
He pulls me into a tight embrace. Aidan makes me feel so loved and cared for. I have no idea where this is going. I never expected to have another chance at love in my life. Not really. But, it's here. And I'm going to let it all ride. As scary as that is.
“We're going to have a baby,” he says. “I'm going to be a dad. That's crazy.”
I lay my head on his shoulder and let the warm, happy feelings continue to wash over me.
“For whatever it's worth, I think you'll be great,” I say. “I think any child would do well with you as a role model. You're a good man, Aidan Anderson.”
Aidan pulls me into a kiss that's filled with love, passion, and best of all, hope.