Aidan
“I'm proud of you, Aidan,” Brayden says, a wide smile on his face. “I have to be honest, I'm shocked as hell, but I'm really proud of you. That's a great step forward.”
Christ, if he only knew. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's one reason why I almost didn't take his call this week – I know I need to tell B about the pregnancy, but I'm not quite ready yet.
I nod at his image on the computer screen, a soft smile touching my lips. He's beaming after hearing me talk about Katie, and the direction things seem to be headed in – or actually, the direction things are going, now that she's pregnant.
Honestly, it's as surprising to me as it is for Brayden. I never expected to feel this attached to anybody again, let alone someone as wonderful as Katie. It just came out of the blue. But, it doesn't feel bad, or wrong. It feels – right. Natural.
And although I'm still struggling with feelings of guilt and betrayal, like I'm doing something wrong, that internal struggle has lessened a bit. The tight grip the past has had on me for so long seems to be finally starting to loosen. I'm not sure what I think or feel about it at this point, but I don’t view it as a negative thing.
Though I haven't had much time to stop and really analyze it, it feels as if something inside of me has changed – even before the pregnancy. That only seemed to solidify it in my own mind. It's like some switch got flipped somewhere and is shining a bright light into the darkest corners of my soul. That might be a slightly overdramatic way of saying it, but that’s honestly how it feels.
Whatever it is, has finally allowed me to start moving forward with my life. Maybe, it was talking with Davis. Maybe, it was my brothers pushing me to rejoin the world. Maybe, it's Katie. Maybe, it was a combination of all that and more things I haven't even considered at this point. I really don't know.
All I do know is that I want things with Katie to work out. And now that she's carrying our child, I want it even more.
Maybe it's an exaggerated thing to say, but I feel like some of the dark, oppressive thoughts weighing me down since Maddy died has lifted. Like that icy grip of grief squeezing my heart tight has loosened. Not completely, but enough to make a difference.
“She's in trouble though,” I say.
A shadow crosses Brayden's face. “What kind of trouble?”
“The abusive ex kind,” I explain.
“How bad is it?”
I shrug. “I don't know really. She's not really open about things, and doesn't talk –”
“Sounds familiar,” Brayden cracks. “I can see why you two fit together – you apparently have a lot in common.”
I give him the finger, but laugh. “Screw you.”
“Eat me,” he says.
We laugh for a moment, but then my mood darkens a bit as I think about Katie and what she's going through. I don't like that she's isolating herself and refusing my help out of pride. Because that's what it all boils down to – pride.
Even though I've barely scratched the surface, and there's so much I don't know about Katie – I’ve realized she is fiercely independent and doesn't want to feel indebted to anyone. She shuns legitimate offers of help, preferring to handle things on her own. I can understand and respect that, but she needs to understand that allowing others to help you isn't weak. It's actually a sign of strength. It's okay to be overwhelmed and need help. It's natural. It's part of the human experience.
Her years with Victor obviously inflicted some deep wounds, that made her so unwilling to take a hand when its extended to her.
“Anyway, the abuse itself was bad, but she escaped that over a year ago,” I say. “He's apparently tracked her down now, though. Called her a couple of days ago and threatened her. I don't know if he actually knows where she's at, or if he's just rattling her cage and trying to get into her head again. She's downplaying it all, but I have a bad feeling about this, B.”
“Shit, Aidan. What are you going to do?”
I shrug again. “At this point, I really don't know,” I say. “She wants me to leave the guy alone and stay out of it.”
A grin tugs at one corner of Brayden's mouth. “Let me guess. You’re not going to, are you?”
“Hell no,” I say and laugh. “Maybe, it's too early to think something like this, let alone say it, but I kind of feel like I’ve been offered a second chance here, Brayden.”
“What do you mean?”
I let out a long breath. “I just – I couldn't protect Maddy and she –”
“Dude, that wasn't your fault,” he says. “There's no way –”
I hold up my hand to stop him. “I know that. I understand that. At least, I do now,” I admit. “I still fight with that sometimes, but I think I'm finally starting to accept it.”
“That's great to hear, brother,” he says. “That’s another step forward.”
“Yeah,” I say and feel the familiar rush of grief coursing through me. “Anyway, I may not have been able to stop what happened to Maddy, but I won’t let anything bad happen to Katie.”
Brayden nods, an inscrutable look on his face. “Not to sound like an insensitive asshole or anything –”
“But, it's what you're good at,” I say and grin.
“Fuck off,” he laughs. “I just want to make sure you understand that you don’t need to prove anything. Doing this won’t bring Maddy back. You're not going to even out some cosmic scale or anything.”
“Duh. I know that,” I reply. “I know this isn't going to change what happened to Maddy. But, it might help change how I feel about it. Instead of being powerless to do anything to protect her, being able to take control and fucking do something productive will help me close that chapter of my life. Maybe, I can finally lay those old ghosts to rest. Once and for all.”
He looks at me, and even though we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart, it's like he can see into my soul. Brayden knows that I'm hiding something. My stomach is churning, and my heart is thundering in my chest. I know we're coming to a point in the conversation where I confess – or, at least, figure out a way to kick the can down the road for a while.
“What aren't you telling me, little brother?” he finally asks.
“Don't know what you're talking about.”
“Right,” he says and laughs. “Come on. Out with it.”
I sigh and look down, fidgeting with my hands. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, and the adrenaline running through my system as my entire body hums with nervous energy.
“You might as well tell me, Aidan,” he says. “You know I'll get it out of you one way or another.”
A rueful grin touches my lips. I look up and see his eyes probing me, searching for clues as to what’s on my mind. I decide it’s better to stop playing games, cut the shit, and tell him the truth.
“So, Katie's pregnant,” I say. “With my child.”
Brayden's eyes widen, and his jaw drops open so wide, it looks almost comically exaggerated. It's such a funny picture I quickly screenshot it – to have it on hand and use against him later.
“What?! She’s pregnant?”
I nod. “I'm going to be a dad,” I say. “Can you believe it?”
“Wow,” he says. “No baby steps for you, man. You just dive right into the deep end of things, don't you?”
I smirk at him. “I'm as shocked as you are. As Katie was. I mean, we were safe about it and everything.”
“Damn,” he says. “What are the odds of that happening?”
“Yeah, that's kind of what everyone is saying,” I say.
“Whoa. That is just not what I expected to hear tonight,” he says.
“Not what I expected to tell you tonight, either,” I reply.
“Fair enough,” he says. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Honestly? Freaked the fuck out,” I say. “What in the hell do I know about being a dad?”
He chuckles. “Nothing. But, how would you? You learn as you go,” he says. “You're going to fuck up now and then, but you'll be great at it. I know you better than anyone, Aidan, and you’ve always wanted to be a dad.”
That was true. Back when I was engaged, I dreamed of having children that I could play ball with, go to parent-teacher nights for, and be a coach for their team – all that stupid, silly suburban bullshit. I wanted it badly. I thought that dream died with Maddy. But, when Katie told me she was pregnant, I was shocked to find that wish burned as bright as ever.
“You'll be a great dad, Aidan. I know you will be,” he says. “I just – wow – I'm floored, man.”
“Tell me about it,” I say. “Multiply that by a hundred and that’s me.”
“Yeah, I bet,” he says. “I'm going to be an uncle. How cool is that?”
Brayden smiles and looks at me for a long time, an inscrutable expression on his face. I sit there expectantly, waiting for him to say something. He doesn't. He just sits there, but I can see his mind working.
“What?” I finally ask.
“I mean it, Aidan,” he says. “I'm proud of you. This is – awesome.”
“Thanks, B,” I say. “That means a lot. But, I haven't actually done anything other than accidentally get Katie pregnant.”
“The fact that you’re so calm and rational about it, is a good thing, though,” he says. “You sound a lot more like the old you. You know what you want – Katie – and you're making it happen. That's the little brother I've always known, and it's fucking nice to see him make his grand reappearance.”
I give him a small grin. “I appreciate the sentiment, but dial it back a bit, B,” I say.
“What can I do to help?” he asks. “Other than be her Lamaze coach, that is.”
I snort with laughter, shaking my head. “I don't think there's anything you can do, really,” I say. “I've got a lot to figure out – in terms of Victor, Katie, and now the baby – and plenty of plans to make once I do. But, for now, I think I can handle it.”
Brayden looks off into the distance for a few seconds. When he looks back at me, he gives me a grin.
“Actually, I think I know how to help,” he says. “Or rather, who can help. At least, with your Victor problem. That'll knock one big item off your list, right?”
“Thanks, man,” I say. “I got this though.”
“Hey, I know you're used to being the go-it-alone kind of guy up on your mountain and all, but you might be dealing with some serious shit,” he says. “You don't know anything about Victor, and you might end up needing some help. The last thing I want is for you or Katie to get hurt during all this.”
“I'm okay, B,” I say. “I'll be fine.”
“Bullshit,” he says, his voice serious. “You're stubborn as hell, and you never know when to back down. And if you're serious about helping her, you're going to need some help. You're not going to be any good to her in a hospital room. Or worse.”
I want to argue further, but he's right. I have no idea of what Victor is really capable of. Katie said he ran with bad people who did bad things. And while it might be easy to brush off Katie's warnings as hyperbole, doing so might put me at risk. To help Katie, I need to be smart about it.
“I'm going to send someone out to you,” Brayden says. “The guy is a wizard. Really helped pull my ass out of the fire. Liam’s too.”
“Yeah?” I ask and grin. “Are you sending me a fixer?”
Brayden shakes his head, his expression solemn. “He's a good man. Good at what he does,” he says. “I think fixer is too generic for this guy. He's a damn genius at what he does, as far as I'm concerned.”
“Is he discreet?” I ask. “I need to keep this on the down low. Katie can't –”
“Trust me. He's discreet. Until you don't want him to be,” he replies. “But, he'll be invisible if that's what you need. I'm telling you, this guy is incredible.”
I sit back in my chair and let out a long breath. If Katie finds out I'm going against her wishes and dealing with Victor, she's going to be pissed. Really pissed. That woman has got a fiery temper on her. But, she's also stubborn as hell. She's independent and wants to remain that way, no matter the cost. And while I get that, and appreciate the sentiment, I'm not going to allow her to fall in harm's way because of a foolish sense of pride. Because she thinks accepting my help makes her look weak.
I'll be damned if I let her get hurt. I couldn't save Maddy, but if Victor is out there, plotting to hurt Katie, I'll be damned if I'm going to sit on my hands and do nothing to stop it.
“You really care about her, don't you?”
Brayden's voice cuts into my thoughts, and I shake my head to snap myself back to reality.
“Sorry, what?” I ask.
He laughs. “Katie,” he says. “You care about her a lot.”
I run a hand over my face. “I think I do,” I say. “I mean, it's really too early, but there's something special about her.”
“I can tell, brother,” he says. “I can see it all over your face.”
“What now?”
“That happy glow, and sparkle in your eyes. You really light up when you talk about her” he says.
“Bullshit,” I say.
“It's really not,” he says, his expression growing a little more serious. “I honestly didn't know if I'd ever see that spark in you again, Aidan. You changed so much when Maddy died. You drew into yourself and isolated yourself from the world completely. I didn't know if you would lose the capacity for that kind of feeling altogether. I worried you would. But, I see it in you again, brother. And it's damn good to see.”
“I think it's a little early to be talking about having those kinds of feelings again,” I say. “I think I've moved a few feet forward, but I'm a long way from that.”
“I didn't say you feel it now,” he says. “I said it's good to know you still have the capacity for them. That it didn't die too. I don't know what this thing with you and Katie is, or if it'll even work out. But, knowing that you can still care about someone else – and let yourself be cared about – is big, brother. Really big. You might be able to trick yourself, but you're not fooling me. You do care about Katie. I can see it in your face. I can see just how deeply you do. And believe me when I say, it's really good to see, Aidan.”
I feel a smile creasing the corners of my mouth, and I have to look away. Normally, I'm not a self-conscious person, but Brayden's words are making me feel a little put on the spot. I'm not usually the touchy-feely, share your emotions kind of guy. None of my brothers were – at least, until they started getting married. Now, all of the sudden, Liam and Brayden are much more in touch with their emotional side.
Yeah, I feel something for Katie, that much is true. It would be stupid to deny it. What I do feel, however, remains undefined at the moment. It's powerful and stronger than anything since Maddy. I won’t lie about that. I’m drawn to Katie. Compelled by her. My attraction to her is more than just physical – I find Katie utterly intoxicating. I haven't felt this for anyone but Maddy. And it's difficult to wrap my head around it. Adding in the fact that she's pregnant only makes the situation more complex and muddled. I'm confused as hell right now, honestly, and it makes me feel completely out of sorts. Or, as Katie said, it's going to take a minute for my head to catch up with my heart.
Truth be told, I'm also glad to find out I still have the capacity to feel for another person again. I wondered if I ever would, or if that part of me had passed with Maddy. Maybe, once we get through this Victor crisis, we'll be able to explore whatever this thing is between us further. Without fear. I want to, and I know Katie does too.
But, first things first. And that means dealing with Victor.
“Thanks, Brayden,” I say. “It feels good to be rejoining the human race again. Or at least, dipping my toes back into the waters.”
“You'll get there,” he replies. “Until then, just sit tight. We'll get through this crisis – whatever it is. Just hang in there. I'm going to have my guy touch base with you.”
I nod. “I appreciate that, brother,” I say. “Thank you.”
“Don't mention it,” he says. “Just keep your head on straight, and take care of Katie – and my future niece or nephew.”
“Plan on it.”
“Damn,” he says. “I'm really going to be an uncle, huh?”
I laugh and nod. “Yeah. You're really going to be an uncle.”
He chuckles. “I can’t believe it,” he says.
“Goodnight, Uncle B,” I say and laugh. He's still chuckling with laughter as I disconnect the call and lay back in my seat. I stare at the picture of Maddy once more, and although my heart aches, and I feel a sharp sting of grief, it's not nearly as intense as before. The edges have been slightly dulled.
For the first time since Maddy was taken from me, I'm starting to feel optimistic, and hope that maybe, I can be a decent human being again. That I can function in life again. And that maybe, just maybe, I can find love and happiness again.
And as the dying light of the afternoon filters in through the windows of my office, for the first time, I'm left with a feeling of love rather than the crushing and oppressive weight of despair as I look at her picture again and find myself smiling. I'm filled with a sense of the happiness we shared as cherished memories of her fill my heart and my soul.