Chapter Thirteen

Lauren

I’d never been fucked harder.

It was wild and feral and greedy and I loved it. I needed all of him, he needed all of me, and we each gave it. All of it. He fucked me like it was going to be the last fuck of his entire life and I came like it was my last orgasm.

Of course, then there were the other three orgasms he gave me later that night, but that’s not the point. I’d had my brains fucked out and as I walked through the halls of the hospital I wondered whether I looked bow legged or whether people knew exactly why I kept smiling so much or that people could still smell his sweat and musk and come on my body. But in that post coital bliss, I frankly didn’t give a fuck.

I knew I would later. For the next two weeks, life was perfect.

I’d catch glimpses of Ryan from across the nurse’s station and we’d catch each other’s eye. A small smile from each of us, that was it. But that was enough. Ryan would make any excuse to come get my take on a patient’s chart or medical history or treatment plan and he would stand close as he pointed to this or that. I could feel his breath on my neck and every time it shot shivers down my spine.

I’d call him into my office so we could discreetly play footsie under the desk before I forgot again, silly me, what I called him in there to discuss in the first place. I’d remember fifteen minutes later. And then promptly forget.

“I’ll call you back in if I remember,” I said loudly enough that the staff could hear me through the half open door.

He’d wink, eyes twinkling mischievously, and say, “I hope you do.”

Ryan would text me ‘North stairwell’ and I’d excuse myself from Marcus’s office or my meeting with a pharmacy rep and try not to sprint there. We’d hold our hands over our mouths to stop our giggles from echoing all up and down each floor before quickly pressing a kiss to the lips, the throat, the back of the ear, the nose. Just little pecks and lingering gazes and then I’d go up a floor and he’d go down one and I’d longingly listen to his last steps until his door closed and only then did I open mine.

Around the staff and nurses and patients it was always ‘Dr. Castle’ and ‘Dr. Decker’, but in an abandoned hall or a lonely elevator ride or an empty patient room it was ‘Ryan’ and ‘Lauren’, ‘baby’ and ‘dear’, ‘lover’ and ‘sweet thing’ whispered in hushed, desperate tones.

We fucked at night at his place. We fucked in the morning at mine. We fucked in the shower, we fucked in his car, we fucked on the roof after blocking the door with a rusted bench. I felt new and different and changed. Life was exciting. Ryan was exciting. It was a secret and it was our secret.

We also talked a lot. Ryan confirmed he was going to accept the chief residency position at Graton’s so long as it was offered to him, which of course it would be. I knew I’d at some point have to deal with the hospital and probably some less than enthusiastic human resource people. Probably lots of paperwork. Hopefully nothing more. But that all seemed insignificant, far away, unimportant and inconsequential during those first few days we gave ourselves to each other.

Even the constant ringing of my phone from Samuel’s number did little to interrupt the happiness I felt with Ryan. I should have known that the calls would keep coming. I should have known at some point I would have to answer.

“Dr. Decker?”

Ryan was updating me on a patient who returned for a check up after a bypass last month. We were standing closer than we should have been, closer than two work colleagues would stand. His eyes were glancing up at me from the chart he read from and I'd smile as he lost his train of thought, lost his place on the page, lost his ability to form words.

He'd clear his throat and start over each time and we'd been there leaning against the counter at the nurse's station for ten minutes and hadn't gotten past the patient's vitals. He couldn't talk when he looked at me and I kept getting lost in the softness of his eyelashes, the dark stumble on his strong jawline, his tongue moving over his lips every time he caught my eye.

"Dr. Decker?"

I turned around and was almost startled to find myself standing on white linoleum on the third floor of the hospital and not sitting on my couch with my legs draped across Ryan's lap with only a single lamp on late into the night. Shaking my head, I smiled at Sanchez.

"What's up?"

"Call for you on Line 3."

The intern was on the phone at the desk where I stood with Ryan so I told her I'd take it in my office. As I moved to leave, Ryan's pinky skimmed the side of my hand and I had to exert all the self control I had to not look back at him as I crossed the small distance to my office door.

Too revved up to sit, I brushed my hair from my flushed face and put the phone on speaker on Line 3.

"Dr. Decker here."

"Lauren."

I stopped in my pacing and stared down at the caller ID for the first time. 'Fuck', I mouthed. It was Samuel.

"Samuel, hi. I'm sorry I've been busy with our new transfer resident getting him up to speed and all." Not a lie. "Is everything alright?"

"Were you ignoring me, Lauren?"

"No, I—"

"Because I thought we were making progress."

I rubbed my eyes and quickly shut the door to my office. I caught Ryan's concerned look just briefly before I leaned wearily against the door, trying to figure out how to deal with this.

"Lauren?"

I sagged into my chair and rested my elbows on the table.

"Yeah, I'm here," I said. "Look Samuel, the other night, it was... nice. It really was. But, well, I can't go backwards."

There was a half hidden scoff on the other line.

"That's what you see me as then? Backwards?"

"No," I insisted, shaking my head. "No, I'm not saying this right. It's just that--"

Samuel's voice increased in volume. "What you're too good for me now?"

"Samuel, please—"

"You found someone else to fuck and now you don't need me like you've always needed me. What was it you said that night? You could fuck your pick of young guys. A bank clerk? A grocery boy? A stripper? A young resident? Which one is it, Lauren?”

My knuckles were white where they were gripped on the edge of my desk.

"I will not be spoken to this way," I said, my voice almost shaking from anger. "Do you understand me?"

Samuel sighed and I gave him the time as there was silence over the line for him to calm down. I didn't wish ill on Samuel. At least not anymore. And I wanted him to understand. But I wasn't the person who would allow myself to be mistreated anymore.

"I am different," I said finally when I could hear his breathing even out and imagine less steam fuming from his ears. "I'm not the person anymore who you fell in love with, who you married, who you knew. That person will always love you, Samuel. But I am not that person. And I can't ever go back to being that person."

Samuel was silent. Then, "What happens when this guy dumps you, huh? What happens when you're all alone again?"

"Samuel."

"You think you're different, Lauren, but you're not. You need me." His voice again rose in volume.

Mine was calm. "I don't."

"You'll need my attention and affection when you're by yourself again, and you will be by yourself again."

"You need to stop."

"You'll need me when I get Marcus's job as chief surgeon and you want to keep your fucking job. I’ve just scheduled my final interview. It’s between three of us now. You know they’ll choose me.”

No, I wouldn’t believe that. Yes, Samuel was a brilliant surgeon, but he was an ass. His ego rivaled that of most surgeons and that was saying something. Marcus had to know how bad Samuel’s personality would be for morale.

“What’s his name?”

“What’s whose name?”

“The guy you’ve ruined our relationship with?”

I laughed because I couldn’t stop myself. I’m the one now who was ruining the relationship? Me? Me?

“Samuel,” I said, incredulous. “There is no relationship. There hasn’t been a relationship for a very, very long time. You know that.”

“What’s his name?”

I couldn’t believe it.

"You're making a fool out of yourself, Samuel."

He was angry now."No, you're the fool, Lauren. You're the fool to think you don't need me. Me and my fucking cock you loved to suck so fucking mu—"

I hung up and watched my hands quiver where they rested on my desk.

I knew, deep down, he wasn’t mad that I wasn’t his anymore, that I wouldn’t be his anymore. His pride was simply hurt, that I would dare replace the irreplaceable Samuel Decker with another man.

It will be alright, I told myself again. Don’t let it worry you. Samuel won’t get Marcus’s job. Life couldn’t be that cruel to me. Not when I was just starting to be so happy with Ryan.

But what if he did get it? a voice whispered in my ear.

What could he do, not just to my career, but to Ryan’s if he found out about our relationship?