Chapter Nineteen

Lauren

I could already feel the guilt crushing me.

It was as if the elevator walls were moving in toward me and the ceiling was collapsing and the floor was causing my knees to buckle under its upward thrust. I’d almost done it. I’d almost lied and agreed with Ryan. I’d felt myself crumbling, cracking, shattering, but then I’d gotten the insane urge to say something else altogether. To say, “We were together and I don’t regret a single second of it. He made me feel wanted again. He made my skin tingle and my heart pound and I don’t want that to end. He is mine and I want to be his. Maria, you can go fuck yourself and your clipboard.”

But I hadn’t said it.

The words were on the tip of my tongue and yet I bit down on them and held them in because I was a coward. I was scared. I was selfish. I wasn’t going to say a goddamn word and I knew it. And the shame was tearing me apart even as I got word about Samuel.

My lover and husband for over ten years. He’d hurt me. Betrayed me. And I’d fallen out of love with him, so much that I would rather take a chance on my relationship with Ryan rather than reconcile.

But although I wasn’t in love with Samuel anymore, I knew now that a part of me would always love him for what we were together. And God, I didn’t want him to die.

I fidgeted in the elevator and watched the numbers flash down, down, down.

I couldn’t look at Ryan or I knew I’d shatter right then and there. But then the doors opened and everything with Ryan fell from my mind as if through a trap door. Before I could exit the elevator, however, Marcus grabbed my arm.

“You aren’t getting anywhere near that operating room, Dr. Decker,” he said firmly. I stared at him and he shook his head. “You’re way too close to the situation to make impartial decisions. Don’t argue with me on this one. Let Castle handle it.”

I tried to conjure up any argument, any argument at all, despite his order not to and yet nothing came. Mostly because he was right. And also because I trusted Ryan’s skills completely, even with Samuel.

“I can do it, Lauren,” he said calmly.

“I know you can.”

“Good,” Marcus said. “Go wash up. I’ll be your attending. Lauren, go be with your friend.”

“Thank you,” I said. Then I touched Ryan’s arm. “Thank you so much, Ryan.”

“Everything will be fine, Lauren. Trust me.”

“I do.”

With that he and Marcus ran off down the hall. I immediately called my friend Bonnie and told her what was happening. She was there in less than thirty minutes.

She found me in the waiting room, pacing. I hated this side of surgery. At least in the operating room I had some control. Out here I was helpless. I hated it.

“He’s going to be okay,” she said quietly after she took my hand and we sat down.

I nodded.

“Who’s doing the surgery?”

“Dr. Ryan Castle.”

“The resident? The one you…”

I’d forgotten I’d even told her about Ryan that night at the bar. I nodded and turned back to stare at the swinging doors, as if by sheer will I could conjure Ryan stepping through them, telling me the surgery went well and Samuel was fine.

“That’s him,” I said.

“Is he good?”

“He’s very good.”

But I knew he was more than good. He was the best.

He proved it once again when Becka Mueller, an OR nurse, came out to give me an update per Ryan’s request. Samuel was stable. Didn’t mean he was out of the woods yet, but the progress report went a long way towards calming me down.

As I sat there with Bonnie, memories of happier times with Samuel drifted through my head. The early days in medical school and how he’d helped me through difficult times, whether it was by helping me study or insisting I go outside and take a break if I needed one. The week we’d spent in Hawaii for our second anniversary, just walking on the beach, dancing, eating, and making love all day and all night long. The times he surprised me with flowers or bought me a snazzy red convertible for my birthday (I’d gotten rid of it months before our divorce was final).

It reminded me that while he’d always had an ego, he hadn’t always been an egotistical asshole. We’d been good together at one point and Samuel had a good side to him.

We just weren’t meant to be together anymore. We no longer fit.

Not like Ryan and I did.

I winced at the thought.

It didn’t matter that he was younger or that I was his supervisor. He’d treated me better than any man in my entire life and I’d treated him like shit. I’d lied to myself and said I was being selfless, but really every action I’d taken had been selfish. I was more worried about my reputation than his love. I was more concerned with how people would look at me than the way he would look at me. I was more focused on me than him. And I knew it.

“Who’s with the baby?” I asked Bonnie as we waited together, each movement of the second hand on the clock seemingly taking forever.

She shifted slightly against me. “My aunt has him.”

“Good, that’s good.” I bit my lip, blinked back my tears, then whispered, “I’ve already lost Samuel, but now I might lose him in another way.” My voice hitched. “And I’ve lost Ryan too.”

“What do you mean? I thought you’d just hooked up at the club?”

"There's more," I said. "Much more."

"Tell me."

I told her everything, including how I’d sexted with a guy over that damn dating app two days before Ryan started.

I watched as all the puzzle pieces came together in her head and then her eyes went wide.

"Oh fuck," she whispered, glancing over my shoulder. "That's him?"

"He walked into my office the very next week, perfect smile, perfect abs, perfect hair and all."

"Shit."

I told her how I tried to draw boundaries between us. I told her how I’d tried to establish our relationship as nothing but professional. I told her how I tried, I really, really tried.

I told her how I failed.

"You?" she asked.

I winced. "Me.” I told her about skinny dipping in the lake of a state park. And Operation. I told her how I met his mother and saw how he cared for her and knew he wasn't the typical twenty-eight-year-old. I told her how he made me feel daring and brave and new. I told her how it was him who gave me the strength to finally realize I didn't need Samuel and never did.

"These all sound like really good things," Bonnie said gently.

"I know."

And shit did I know.

I told her about Samuel's threats. I told her about my mess of a breakup in the stairwell. I told her what happened upstairs in Marcus's office.

"He took the fall for the both of you?" she asked.

I nodded.

"He did that for you."

I nodded even though I knew it wasn't a question. "Bonnie, I've been so afraid for so long," I said as she grabbed both my hands and wrapped them inside of hers. “About whether I made the right decision to divorce Samuel. That I wasn’t enough for him, and I’d never be enough for any man. That I couldn't let another man humiliate me again. Hurt me again.”

They were warm and comforting and I instantly felt guilty for experiencing those feelings when my ex-husband was currently being operated on by my now ex-lover.

“You’re not getting away that easily.” She lowered her face so she could reach my eyes with a smile. “Talk to me.”

I cleared my throat as I felt the fear I'd shoved deep down for so long threaten to choke me.

"I don't want to be that person anymore. The one who let’s fear direct her life. But I just... I don't know. I'm just not strong enough."

The looming tears pricked my eyes. I had nerves of steel in the operating room. I was always the calmest person within those four walls. With a scalpel I was precise and sure and steady. Out here I was mush, fucking mush, over a guy.

Well, two guys, given I was still so scared for Samuel.

Bonnie pulled away and the next thing I know she was dabbing a tissue at my leaking eyes.

"I let my fear jeopardize Ryan’s chance of getting a permanent position here at Graton’s. I had the chance to prove that I valued him over my job and career and my reputation with my colleagues and I fucked it up. I really, really fucked it up."

Bonnie reached for another tissue as I lost what little remaining control I had over my tears. I was babbling and tears were falling and I didn't know when I'd become this person.

"I'm a mess," I moaned.

She chuckled softly. "Yes, you are," she said. "Love makes you a mess."

I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Listen," Bonnie said. "Love changes you and it's wonderful and beautiful, but, Lauren, listen. Are you listening?"

I sniffled and nodded.

She sighed. "Bitch, it's hard as hell."

I snorted and she handed me a tissue.

"When I had Jason I knew from the moment he was placed in my arms that I loved him. I've had to make sacrifices and learn to be more patient and for the first time put someone else's needs before mine. And I'm changing. But it hurts sometimes and I'm tired sometimes and sometimes I fall back into being my old selfish ass self."

She cupped my cheek and I smiled at her. Bonnie continued, "If you thought you were going to throw that fear of yours out the window after one fine as hell fuck, then you were crazy, girl."

I managed to smile and she pulled me into a hug. “I love you, and I don’t believe for an instant you would have let Ryan take the fall for both of you. You would have told Marcus the truth. And if Ryan loves you—and I’m pretty damn sure he does based on everything you’ve told me—he knows it too.”

“But I hurt him. I fucked up so bad.”

"So you try again," she said. "And if you fuck it up that time, too, you try it again. And again and again."

I chewed on my lip as I considered her words, but Bonnie flicked my lip. Wincing at the throbbing pain, I stared in confusion at her and she laughed as she threw up her hands.

"Sorry, I'm a mother now. Can't help it."

I shook my head and shrugged. "It's a good look on you," I said.

"I think Ryan's a good look on you."

"Do you?" I asked.

She nodded.

"I do, too," I said, mostly to myself. "I do, too."

Just then the doors from the OR swung open and Marcus walked out in his scrubs. I stood as he walked toward us. I sighed when he held up his hands and smiled.

"No need to worry," he said. "Samuel is resting comfortably and we've located the blockage."

Bonnie and I hugged each other with relief as Marcus continued. "Dr. Castle performed perfectly. Just perfectly."

I smiled because I’d known he would do what he needed to do. And I smiled because I knew I was going to do what I needed to do, too.

"Dr. Pierre, I’d like to see Samuel as soon as possible. But first, do you think I could have a word before you leave?" I asked. “There’s something I need to tell you.”