Chapter Twenty

Ryan

My hands shook as I rinsed them under the warm tap water in the wash room and no matter how hard I tried to stop them they wouldn't stop.

I knew it was the adrenaline, but still I watched them as they moved outside my control and couldn't help but think my life was moving outside my control, too.

I'd just performed my first surgery as lead surgeon, where the patient's life was in my hands and my hands alone, and instead of feeling the joy and sense of accomplishment I always hoped I'd feel I was drowning in dread and worry and fear of the unknown. Because that was my first open heart surgery at Graton’s.

But it was also my last.

For a brief second, I told myself it was a mistake getting involved with Lauren at all. I should have never fucked her. Or I should have fucked her and moved on.

But it was all bullshit.

Even if it cost me the chief resident position, she’d been worth it.

Our time together had been short, but I would never be the same because of it and that was worth it. It caused me pain, but I was stepping out into the world with an open heart after a life of locked and bolted shut doors and that was worth it. We were a burning flame and with one breath the world was cold again, but I knew then that if I never took the risk, I'd always be alone, always be isolated, always be cold.

And so I got my things and pushed open the front door of the hospital with a deep breath and a readiness for whatever stood before me.

I wouldn't in a million years have expected it would be Dr. Lauren Decker standing there before me. And yet there she was, sitting on the hood of my car in the dark parking lot holding a cardboard box.

After an initial moment of shock, I walked toward her and the glow of the parking lot lamp she was bathed in. Her lab coat was slung over the cardboard box and she wore jeans and one of my hoodies I must have forgotten at her place. She waved a timid hand at me as I still tried to piece together what exactly was happening.

"You forgot this," she said when I stopped just in front of my car's bumper.

She pulled out the Operation box we’d played with during our shared night shift weeks ago. She held it out to me and I leaned forward to take it.

"Thanks," I said lamely.

"The little plastic heart is still broken," she said.

I nodded.

“But, um, I thought I could maybe try to fix it, just a little bit?"

“What?”

Lauren moved close to me and put her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry I hesitated in Marcus’s office. When they asked me if you were telling the truth.”

“Lauren—”

“I had a choice between my job and you. I picked wrong.”

“I can’t ask you to sacrifice your career for me,” I said.

I knew I couldn’t. Lauren smiled and she placed her hand over mine where it was gripping the edge of the Operation box.

“I know,” she said. “And you know you can’t stop me from sacrificing my career for you. Because I want to. I want to for you, Ryan.”

I started to protest, but she shrugged and added, “Plus, you’re too late to stop me even if you think you could. I already talked with Marcus.”

I had no idea what to say. I kept staring at the goofy face of the Operation guy and looking around the parking lot as if I’d fallen into some strange dream and was waiting to wake up.

“I told Marcus that we were in a relationship, but that the accusations about us having sex on hospital grounds were a lie. It was Samuel. Of course it was Samuel.”

“What-- what did he say?”

“He believes me. And he said he’d stand by us against HR. Marcus doesn’t want to lose you. He’s been impressed by your skills, which doubled with the surgery you performed. And he was even more impressed with what you did for me. He wants to know that kind of character is in his hospital before he retires.”

“But the investigation?”

“They’re not going to find any wrongdoing and we’ll figure out how to proceed with our relationship and the hospital once we are cleared,” Lauren paused and kicked at a stray pebble on the asphalt. “That is, if you’re still interested in a relationship with me.”

There was silence between us as I processed everything she just said. I was expecting to go home and mope over a bottle of whiskey. This was certainly not in the cards I thought I’d been dealt. Seemed Lauren managed to shuffle them all up.

“I mean, I understand entirely if you don’t want to,” she added quickly after I’d remained quiet too long. “And you should know, it’s not a done deal like Samuel led me to believe—which is the only reason I broke up with you Ryan, I swear. I wanted to protect you from his petty wrath—but Samuel is still being considered for Chief Surgeon. It’s down to three people. And if he’s selected… Well, it will be awkward to say the least.”

“We have made quite a mess of things,” I said, looking down at her as she chewed at her lip.

“A fucking mess if ever I’ve seen one,” she agreed, smiling a little at me.

“Everyone is going to be talking about us.”

She nodded slowly. “Our reputations will be absolutely wrecked,” she said.

“Mutilated.”

“Broken beyond repair.”

“It would just be me and you,” I said.

I moved my thumb so it wrapped around her finger. “I like me and you,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Her eyes glimmered slightly as she looked up at me, separated only by that goddamn box. It was a parking lot lamp light shining down on her and not the moonlight from the lamp, but it reminded me of that moment together. Her hair was dry and yet it still moved in the slight summer wind as if under water. It was my hoodie around her shoulders and not silky black lake water, but the way she looked at me was the same. Long lashes, dark eyes, a palpable connection between my own that sparked and buzzed and drew me in closer and closer.

“I’m going to set down this box,” I whispered to her in that short distance that still kept us apart.

She nodded.

“And then I’m going to put one hand at your lower back, okay?”

Again she nodded.

“The other hand I’m going to slip around the back of your neck.”

A quivering ‘okay’ slipped from her lips.

“Then I am going to press my lips against yours and kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before. Is that alright with you, Dr. Decker?”

A sound somewhere between a sigh and a whimper filled the gap between us and I wasn’t entirely sure if it was she or I who made it. I meant to slowly lower the Operation box to the asphalt, slowly slide my hands against her body, slowly, oh so slowly, bring my lips to hers. Slowly was the furthest from what actually happened.

I dropped the game box to the ground as if it were suddenly cast on fire. My hand brushed against her ribcage in its rush to pull her close and my fingers wrapped themselves in the thick material of her sweatshirt, my sweatshirt, at her lower back. It was messy and uncoordinated and the opposite of suave and smooth, but I didn’t care. My hand was on the back of her neck before she could finish gasping and I felt the hairs rise under my palm. I didn’t slide the back of my hand gently against her cheek first or tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before I drew her tight to my chest, but the way her hands snuck around my waist and clutched desperately at my back told me she didn’t care either.

Our lips moved against one another’s like we were lovers reunited after a millennium of separation. And if the span of just a few days felt like a millennium apart from the softness of her lips, the fullness of her lips, the sweetness of her lips, I can’t imagine what one month would feel like. I couldn’t fathom one, let alone two. I kissed her and knew I couldn’t bear it if it were half a year apart from the warmth of her touch, her skin, her smile. She sighed against me, falling against my chest, tripping over my feet in an attempt to get closer still and I knew I didn’t want to be torn from her ever again, whether for a millennium, a century, a decade, a year, month, or week.

I pulled back, partially so I could see her face and partially so I could breathe. She too drew in a long inhale and I made it just long enough for her to start to exhale on the same breath before I again lowered my face to hers. As we kissed she started to push against me till my feet stepped back. I let her guide me backwards. Hell, the way her tongue circled around mine, I’d let her walk me right off of any cliff, building ledge, mountain top in the world.

My back collided with something metal and my dick twitched when I felt Lauren’s hand sliding toward my crotch. But she stopped at my pocket and I couldn’t help but rock my hips against her as she rummaged around. She pulled out my keys and only then did she this time tilt her lips away from mine, devilishly just out of reach.

Lauren raised my keys between us and dangled them back and forth. I might as well have been a cat following a toy, I was so transfixed.

“Let’s do something crazy,” she whispered, lust and love dripping from her voice.

I raised an eyebrow. “I know of a lake.”

She grinned and cupped my crotch before giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “We’ll see if I make it that far, Dr. Castle.”