Under the Radar
Grace
It’s been a week since Jace told me about the clinical trial.
At first, I was just thrilled that there might be something that could change the course of the rest of my life, but once he let slip what he would have to do to get me in, I tried to back out of it.
I know what kind of a risk he’s taking in doing what he’s doing, but he had a point when he told me that while chemo may extend my life, though there are no guarantees on even that; without some other intervening factor, chances are I’ve already lived more than half my life.
That’s a hell of a motivator.
He’s coming over tonight and we’re going to go over the kinds of things I’m going to have to know when I give “my history” to the doctors running the trial.
Right now, Yuri’s here, keeping me company.
We’ve gotten pretty close over the last while, and it’s nice to have someone who’s not an employee to share my thoughts and feelings with. It helps that she’s almost as crazy as I am.
“So, are you going to go through with it?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I think I have to. I know it’s a risk for the doc, but with my life actually hanging in the balance-”
“It’s not the risk to him that I’m worried about,” Yuri says. “Okay, he’s my boss and if he loses his license, I lose my job. And, of course, I actually respect him and I would hate to see something bad happen to him, but Grace, I’ve seen countless patients who’ve gone through clinical trials. Sometimes they come out the other side better off for their inclusion, but a lot of times it goes the other way.”
“Well, if it weren’t safe, they wouldn’t test it on people, would they?”
“They wouldn’t knowingly test a drug they knew to be more harmful than helpful,” she answers. “At least, that’s what I like to think, but you’ve got to understand that you’re in one of the very first test groups for this drug. There’s a lot they don’t know about it.”
“It’s worth a shot, though,” I tell her. “If anything goes the wrong way, they’ll take me off of it, right?”
“Yeah, but a lot of times, they don’t know that something’s going the wrong way until it’s already past the point of no return. You could lose years of your life or you could develop new symptoms, symptoms that may or may not respond to treatment. I just want to make sure you’re going into this with all of the facts.”
“Hey, on the bright side, they might put me on the placebo,” I laugh, trying to cover my trepidation.
“That’s true,” she says, “but in that case, you’re going to be risking Dr. Churchill’s job, reputation, and license over something that’s not actually going to help you.”
“So you don’t think I should do it?”
“I’m not saying that,” she says. “I’m just saying that I want you to be prepared that this might not go the way you’re hoping it will, the way Dr. Churchill and I are hoping it will.”
There’s a knock on the door, and I get up to answer it.
“He’s probably going to tell you a lot of what I’ve been telling you,” Yuri says, “but I can’t be sure of that.”
“Why wouldn’t he tell me?” I ask.
“I know he’s got a soft spot when it comes to you. He likes you, and I wanted to make absolutely certain that somebody told you the things you need to know before you make a firm commitment to this.”
“Are you staying? He knows we’re friends, it’s all right.”
“I’ll say hi,” she says, “but I think I should leave the two of you to go over the details — plausible deniability and all that.”
“Okay,” I tell her. “I’ll call you later and let you know how it goes.”
She nods and gets to the door. Answering it, she says, “She’s inside. Don’t sugarcoat this.”
“I won’t,” Jace answers. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Yuri.”
The door closes, and I’m sitting down again when he comes into the room.
“She knows that she can’t be seen to have had any part of this, right?” I ask him.
“Of course,” he says. “The last thing I’d want to do would be to put her at risk with what we’re doing.”
“So tell me,” I start, “what kind of results have other trials of this drug had?”
“There’s not a lot of data yet,” he says. “An earlier form of the drug was recalled before trials were over because it was shown to actually cause patients with grade two oligodendroglioma to progress to grade three.”
“I’m guessing that’s the wrong direction?” I ask, knowing very well what grade three means. It means that my chance of being alive in five years would be cut in half.
“Yeah,” he says. “They did another trial of this version of the drug, and it’s shown some improvement in over 60 percent of patients, 30 percent over the placebo.”
“That’s so weird,” I muse.
“What’s that?”
“That 30 percent of people get better when they’re told they’re getting something that would make them better,” I tell him. “Maybe you should start handing out sugar pills along with your other treatments.”
“The problem with the placebo effect,” he explains, “is that it usually doesn’t last for any significant period of time. After a while, patients stop making the improvements and they return to where they were before they were on a placebo in the first place.”
“Still,” I tell him, “that’s got to buy some time at least, right?”
“Grace, there are some things I need you to know when it comes to trials like this one,” he starts.
“Yuri filled me in.”
“What’d she say?”
“That these drugs are experimental, that there’s no guarantee that they’re going to help or even that I’m going to be on the real drug. She told me that sometimes the drug actually makes things worse and could end up costing me a lot of the time I have left,” I answer.
“Yeah,” he says, “that’s all true. Another thing I need to tell you is that at the end of the trial, even if you are improving, assuming that you are on the real drug, they’re more than likely going to take you off of it. The best we can hope for here is that the drug makes an improvement in your condition significant enough that it’s more likely to be eradicated or suppressed longer by your other treatment.”
“Am I still going to be on chemo?”
“No,” he says. “You’ve had your last chemo treatment for a while.”
“But I will go back to it no matter what?”
“I think that’s the most realistic scenario,” he tells me. “Chances of complete remission, even if this drug does exactly what it’s supposed to, are very slim. I just wanted you to know that before we go any further with this.”
“Are you scared?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re putting a lot on the line getting me into this trial,” I tell him. “Yeah, I’m the one having an experimental drug put in my body, but I’m not the only one who’s risking something here.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I haven’t really thought about that part of it that much.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” I chortle. “You know that?”
“Actually I do,” he answers. “Now, I’ve called in a favor from one of my old professors — he’s still a practicing oncologist. I told him the situation ,and after a great deal of convincing and assuring him that I’d owe him a few favors in return, he agreed to act as the diagnosing doctor in your case.”
“How’s that going to work?” I ask. “Are you just going to copy my newer scans and say they’re my older scans?”
“That’s part of it,” Jace says, “but we’re going to have to give you five years’ worth of scans, and that in itself has risks.”
“What?” I ask, “Are you saying I might get radiation poisoning or something?”
“No,” he answers. “MRIs don’t use ionizing radiation. In fact, they’re safe enough. We will do a CT scan, but only one. The risk is that we get caught while we’re doing this. The biggest risk, at this point anyway, is that I get caught altering the dates on your scans.”
“How do you do that, anyway?”
“It’s simple enough,” he answers, “but the problem is that the hospital archives hold the records for all scans. The date on the film itself may be changed, but the file itself, at least in the hospital’s database will show the date and time the scans were actually made.”
“So we’re fucked right out of the gate,” I sigh.
“Not necessarily,” he answers. “Without any reason for someone to go looking through your scans, they’re never going to see the discrepancy. That’s why we’ve got to do everything by the book, even while we’re not.”
“You kind of contradicted yourself there, chief.”
“What I’m saying,” he explains, “is that we’re going to have to make sure you’re scheduled for your scans and that there’s some reason why you’re in there long enough to get everything we need. I’ve already come up with something that should fit the bill, though.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m going to give you a sample of hydroxyzine,” he says. “It’s an anti-anxiety medication. One of the side effects is restless leg syndrome. We’re going to want to do a blood draw with it in your system just to be on the safe side, but we’ll do that before your scans so we can make sure that it’s under control before you actually go in, as we do want to get clear scans, and that’s never going to happen if your lower body’s jerking the whole time.”
“So you’re going to put me on a drug that I don’t need so that we have a cause for a side effect that I’m not actually going to develop because you’re going to give me something else to counteract it before we take the scans that we’re going to use to provide a history to fraudulently get me into the trial?” I ask.
“I know, it sounds overboard, but we’re-” he starts.
“Oh no,” I interrupt, “I’m fine with it. I’m just making sure I’m clear on what we’re doing.”
“Yeah,” he says, “that’s right.”
“Cool,” I smile. “What happens if you get caught? Would you definitely lose your license?”
“I’m not sure if it’s definite or not,” he says. “The penalty for this kind of thing can range from suspension, to being unable to put forth any more candidates for clinical trials, to having my salary docked, to, yes, losing my license to practice medicine.”
“In that case, I have just one more question,” I tell him.
“What’s that?”
“Why are you doing this? You have a lot of patients, and I know I’m a consistently arousing presence in the lives of many, but is that really a good enough reason to risk everything?”
He smiles and asks, “You’re a strange woman, you know that, Grace?”
“I like to think I’m just ahead of the curve,” I answer. “Seriously, though. Why are you doing this?”
“Because I want to give you every opportunity to get better,” he says. “Even if it’s a long shot, I want you to have a chance to be around for a long time to come.”
“But like I said, you have a lot of other patients. Have you done this for anyone else?”
“No,” he admits.
“Then why are you doing this now?” I ask. “Why are you taking these risks for me?”
“Because I think the world is a more interesting place with you in it,” he says. “Because so often in my job, there’s simply nothing more I can do for a patient. Because,” he pauses, looking away bashfully, “I like you.”
“I am pretty fuckable,” I tell him.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Oh, so I’m not fuckable?”
I wonder if he’s noticed that I tend to be at my most suggestive when I’m feeling nervous or vulnerable.
“When do we start?” I ask.
“Start what?” he returns.
With a laugh, I say, “The scans and everything. I’m assuming I’m probably going to need to meet this doctor friend of yours at some point, too?”
“It wouldn’t be a bad idea,” he says. “I’ve got you scheduled for an MRI in the morning. I wouldn’t plan anything for a couple of hours, though. We’re going to have to do it at least a dozen times, and even going as fast as possible with it,” he says, “it’s still going to take some time.”
“All right,” I tell him. “I think I’d be all right doing it with you at least a dozen times, though I’m not sure we’re going to want to ‘go as fast as possible with it.’ Some things take time and care.”
He’s smiling, blushing, and I’m wondering if he’s finally kicked that pincushion to the curb.
“What ever happened with you and your pair of fake tits?” I ask.
“You know she has a name,” he says.
“I’m sure she does,” I respond. “Are you still her cuckold?”
He sighs. “I don’t think it’s going to work out,” he says. “We haven’t really talked since we had our argument, not about anything important or personal anyway. Then, after I got that text from her boss-”
“Yeah, you told me that,” I tell him. “What you didn’t tell me was what it said.”
“It doesn’t matter. Whatever’s going on with the two of them is still going on and probably has been for a long time. I was really hoping we could work it out, but-”
“Why?” I interrupt.
“Why what?”
“Why were you hoping you could work it out? I mean, I can understand it if it was only the one time, but if it’s something that’s ongoing, even after she told you that she was done with all that — I don’t know, I just don’t see why you’re still hanging onto a relationship like that.”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I guess it’s just that we’ve been together for a few years. She was there when I graduated med school. I guess I just thought that meant something.”
“Yeah,” I scoff. “It meant that she had a lot of time to spread her legs. Let me see the text from her boss.”
“Why?”
“I just want to see it,” I tell him.
I have an idea.
“I don’t know what it’ll prove, but all right,” he says, and pulls his phone out of his pocket.
He finds the message and hands it to me.
“‘I want to have sex tonight,’” I read aloud. “He sounds like quite the charmer.”
“What are you doing?” he asks as I start typing a new message.
“Is she home?” I ask.
“What?”
“If you know where she is, I think we just might be able to find you some vindication,” I answer.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Do you know where she is?”
“She’s home,” he says. “At least, she was when I left.”
“All right,” I answer. “I’ll start off easy then.” Then I type the words, “Hey. How are you?”
“Now we wait,” I tell him.
“What are we waiting for?” he asks.
“An indication that she’s not with him and he thinks this is a number that she uses,” I answer.
The phone vibrates and I pull up the message.
I read aloud, “Hey sexy. Is your boyfriend checking your phone?”
“Yeah, we’re done, me and her,” Jace says.
“Not quite,” I tell him and type, “Yeah, he’s been a total bitch about the whole thing. Wanna get together later?”
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I think it’s time the two of them had a little vacation together,” I tell him.
“You’re setting them up on a date?” he asks. “Isn’t that something they’ve been doing pretty well on their own?”
“Maybe so,” I answer, “but this time’s going to be a little bit different.”
The phone vibrates, and I pick it up.
“When and where?” I read and then look at Jace, saying, “This is about to get fun.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” he answers.
As I’m typing, I read Jace what’s going into the message, “Let’s blow off for the next couple of days and just get away together. I hear Maine’s gorgeous this time of year. I’ll make it worth your while.”
“You’re sending them to Maine?”
“Correction,” I say and smile, “I’m sending him to Maine.”
We wait a minute and another text comes in.
“With the late notice, I don’t know if I can get away from the wife that long,” I read.
“Why am I not surprised that he’s married?” Jace asks.
“Because he’s an asshole,” I answer. I type, “Just tell her something came up and you’ve got to take a last minute business trip. Trust me: you’re going to be smiling before the night is out.”
“Do you really think that’s going to work?” Jace asks. “I can see standing him up here in town, but I seriously doubt he’s going to go for a days-long vacation planned last minute through text messages.”
“I think you’re underestimating the degree to which men like to stick their dicks in warm, wet places,” I answer. “Besides, I’m offering to raise the stakes, but I’m not being specific as to how. That drives men crazy.”
“Does it now?” Jace chuckles.
It’s good to see he’s starting to find the humor in all of this.
The phone vibrates again and I read, “I’ll see what I can do, but booking a flight for both of us isn’t going to be cheap.”
“The dude makes well into six figures,” Jace says. “Why’s he so worried about the money?”
“He’s not,” I answer. “He wants me to tell him exactly what I have planned. He’s trying to get me to convince him.” I type, “It may not be cheap, but with what I’m going to let you do to me, I’d say it’s worth every penny. I have plans that you wouldn’t believe.”
Jace is actually laughing now, though I still see lingering pain on his face.
“We’re just giving them both what they deserve,” I tell him. “I know the situation sucks, but revenge is oh, so wonderful.”
Another minute passes, and the phone vibrates again.
“I’m looking at flights,” I read. “What time do you want to leave tonight? There’s a 7:35 and a 9:20 to Bangor.”
“Watch this,” I tell Jace, and he looks over my shoulder as I type, “You take the 7:35. I’ll take the 9:20. I don’t want to take a chance that my boyfriend or your wife follows us and spots us together.”
“He’s going to catch on,” Jace says. “Do you really think he’s going to buy the need for two separate flights?”
“It adds to the intrigue,” I tell him. “It’s part of the foreplay. He’ll go for it.”
The phone vibrates.
I read, “Tickets purchased. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“You’re fucking kidding me,” Jace says.
“I told you, men are easy.”
“That or the guy’s a fucking idiot.”
“I wouldn’t rule that out entirely,” I answer. “Now, this is going to be the cherry on top.” I write, “Send me a text on my other phone in a few minutes saying you need me to hop a plane to make a late business meeting. Write that you need me to go to LA.”
“LA?” Jace asks.
“Yeah,” I answer. “Then, even if she figures it all out on the plane, you’ll still have plenty of time to get her shit packed and ready to move by the time she gets back.”
A smile lifts the corners of Jace’s mouth, but it fades just as quickly, “Do you really think Melissa’s going to fall for it?” he asks. “You rightly said that men are easy, but-”
“I would imagine this would be a big step for her career, being sent to the City of Angels for a late business meeting, wouldn’t it?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I guess so.”
“Wow, you two really haven’t talked that much since your argument,” I respond.
The phone vibrates again.
“How long should I wait?” I read and immediately write back, “Ten minutes. Tell me that I’ll need to buy my own ticket or my boyfriend won’t believe me.”
I send that message, but I’m not quite done yet.
I type, “Just play along if I ask you any questions. Make up a schedule for meetings that sounds believable. He’s really been watching me.” I send that and start another, “If I tell you that I can’t or start complaining about the late notice, I’m just convincing my boyfriend it’s real. Tell me not to text you until I get there.” And finally, just to prove to Jace that the relationship between Melissa and her boss isn’t over, I write one more, “Five minutes after I accept, send a pic of your cock. Tell me how much you want to fuck me when I get there. Send it to my other phone. It has a better screen.”
I press send.
“You know something?” Jace asks.
“What’s that?”
“You are fucking evil,” he laughs.
“Yeah, you’ll probably want to stay on my good side,” I tell him. “Pro tip: I’m a sucker for shoulder massages.”
“I feel kind of bad,” Jace says.
“Why? All you’re doing is screwing the people that have been screwing you by screwing each other.”
Jace looks past me for a moment, but finally says, “I’m not quite sure I caught that.”
I laugh and ask, “Did I go too fast for you?”
“Well, you did say screwing a lot, I got that part,” he says.
“Seriously, I’ve done some killer work here. I think I’ve earned a shoulder massage.”
I don’t know if he was going to do it or not, but the phone vibrates. This time, though, it’s not Ty; it’s Melissa.
“I think you’ll want to read this one,” I tell Jace, and hand him the phone.
He reads it aloud, “Hey, I’ve got to catch a flight to LA for work. I won’t see you when you get home.” He turns off his phone and puts it in his pocket.
“Now, wait another five minutes — actually, just to make sure she’s gotten the picture, let’s make it ten — and then give her a call asking about her trip. Ask her to stay, and if she doesn’t, you’ll know where her priorities really lie,” I tell him.
“You’re sure she won’t think this is really about work?” he asks.
“She might at first,” I tell him, “but once she gets the dick in her inbox — see what I did there? — it’s going to be pretty damn clear just what she’s really being told.”
“You know,” he says, rubbing his chin, “I really should feel bad about this. After all the time we’ve spent together, after all we’ve been through, and I’m setting her up. You know what’s funny, though?”
“What?”
“I actually feel pretty great about it,” he says. “For the first time in a long time, I’m starting to not only know, but to actually feel that I don’t need to be with someone who’s going to treat me that way.”
“No you don’t,” I tell him. “Now, about that shoulder massage…”
“Don’t I have to call Melissa in a minute?”
I groan. “Yeah,” I tell him. “You do.”
“Rain check then,” he says.
We’re both watching the clock. When 10 minutes have passed, Jace calls Melissa from his phone and asks her to stay.
He’s not a bad actor.
The call ends abruptly, and Jace simply puts his phone back in his pocket, saying, “Yeah. It’s over.”
“What did she say?”
“She said that her boss is really riding her and that she’s got to make the trip or else she’s going to lose her job,” he says.
“She actually said ‘my boss is really riding me?’”
“Yeah,” he says. “For a minute, I was starting to think that maybe she hadn’t gotten that picture, but when she started playing a little fast and loose with the double entendres…anyway, she said she doesn’t know when she’s going to be back. It looks like I’ve got more than enough time to pack her shit.”
“Good for you,” I tell him. “It’s about time you’ve-”
His arms are around me in an instant, and he’s kissing me passionately. I wasn’t sure it was going to go this way tonight, but I was kind of hoping…
He pulls away, and we’re both breathing heavily.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Trust me,” I beam, “you did the right thing.”
“No,” he says. “Cheating or not, Melissa and I haven’t officially broken up yet. I know that’s just a technicality at this point, but I really don’t want to be one of those guys. I don’t want to be like that fuckhead boss of hers. If something happens with us before her and I are done-”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Then you’re just doing the same thing they’re doing, and you lose your high ground, and blah, blah, blah.”
“I hope you understand,” he says.
“That depends on which part of me you’re asking,” I say. “Yeah, I understand.”
It’s good to know he’s a standup guy like that, but I’m standing here, still trembling with anticipation for something that’s clearly not going to happen, at least not tonight.
Looks like me and my B.O.B. are going to be seeing each other tonight.