Choking on the Sinker
Jace
I get to Grace’s building and the doorman recognizes me, waving me through.
Right now, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Things were going so well yesterday, but this morning, Melissa was already gone when I woke up.
I press the button on the elevator, trying to get the image of that video out of my head.
When it was happening, I was far enough away from the screen that I couldn’t make out what Melissa was saying to the camera. I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing to worry about.
Maybe my lip-reading isn’t nearly as good as I think it is and maybe I’m just blowing this whole thing out of proportion, but Melissa’s not answering her phone, and I happen to know for a fact that she’s not at work.
I’m not proud to say it, but I checked.
I get off the elevator and walk down the hall to Grace’s door and just stand there for a minute.
What I’m doing right now isn’t fair.
What I’m doing right now is bullshit.
I’ve prided myself, since I began working at the hospital, that I’ve never let my personal life interfere with my professional life, but that took a nosedive this morning when I didn’t show up for Grace’s scan.
If I’d called Yuri before I did, Grace still could have gotten in, and I could’ve just taken a look at the scans later today or whenever, but I was too busy having my precious little breakdown.
I knock and then consider leaving before Grace reaches the door, but I don’t get the chance to think the idea all the way through before the door opens.
“Hey,” Grace says. “Come in.”
“Thanks,” I tell her. “I’m sorry to show up like this after no-showing at your MRI this morning, but I really don’t know what else to do, who else to talk to.”
“It’s fine.”
“I shouldn’t have come here,” I start.
“No, it’s fine,” Grace assures. “Sit down. What kind of advice did you need?”
I’m standing, staring stupidly into space, trying to think of how to explain what I came here to do.
“It’s nothing,” I answer. “I should just go.”
“Well, apparently it’s enough of something that you skipped my scan this morning,” she says. “Now you’re here, so you may as well just tell me.”
“I really don’t think it’s something I should be discussing with a patient,” I mutter.
“What was that?”
I repeat myself a little louder, and she just shrugs.
Her eyes are different right now. It’s not the irises, but the overall glassy appearance that I’ve seen from a number of my patients, even before medical cannabis was approved in the state.
“I think maybe it would be better if I come back when we’ve both got a clear head,” I say, knowing it’s probably going to be at least a few days before that’s going to happen.
“Nope,” she says and sits on her couch, patting the spot next to her.
Every instinct in me is telling me to turn around and walk out the door, but I really don’t feel like there’s anywhere for me to go.
“It’s Melissa,” I start, and then try to figure out how to continue.
“Sit,” Grace says, and pats the seat next to her again.
I sit, but I don’t say anything.
What I came here to do was to ask Grace if she’d watch the video and tell me what she thought Melissa was saying. I even cued the video up so we could avoid any images of actual penetration, but the ridiculousness of it all is starting to set in.
This is the kind of thing that can get you sued, but with Grace already aware of my second job, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem here.
“I don’t know how to say this,” I start.
“You think she’s cheating on you? I’d say it’s a pretty fair bet.”
“What makes you say that? You don’t even know her.”
“It’s the way she acts,” Grace says. “She’s just got that gleam of someone who’s getting some strange on the side, but come on, you can’t sit here and tell me that would be such a surprise.”
“Well,” I sigh, “I think you’re right. Yesterday, I, uh…I took a video, and she’s mouthing words at one point that seems to be-”
“Did you come over here to show me porn starring you and your girlfriend?” Grace interrupts with a smile.
When I don’t immediately answer, she starts laughing uncontrollably.
And I thought I felt like an idiot before.
“I didn’t come here to show you porn,” I explain. “The video is — well, that’s what’s going on, but you don’t really see anything. I know it’s weird for me to-”
“Well, hand it over,” Grace says. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen a skin flick where I actually knew the people involved.” She leans toward me. “College was a strange time,” she says.
I would laugh, but I’d rather just jump out the window.
Grace is looking at me, waiting for me to pull out my phone and humiliate myself more completely. I shake my head, but I pull out my phone.
“I cued it up, so you’re not really seeing me or anything that’s going on directly,” I explain. “Are you sure you want to see this?”
“Yeah, why not,” she says. “It’ll be the closest thing to action I’ve gotten in quite a while.”
This is humiliating, but I need some answers.
Maybe I’m just letting what Grace said yesterday dominate my mind, but after watching the video and what it looks like Melissa was saying into the camera, I don’t know if there’s anything else for me to do.
I turn on the screen to my phone, and there, paused and ready to play, is the image of Melissa bent over the hood of her car, her cleavage looking a lot more pronounced than it did before I had an audience.
“Oh yeah,” Grace says, “those are fake as shit.”
“That’s not really what I came here to show you,” I tell her, hoping that she’ll keep the commentary to a minimum and just tell me if I’m crazy or not.
“Well, hit play,” she says. “I’m losing wood over here.”
I close my eyes when I start the video, but that doesn’t make any difference. In my head, I can see exactly what’s going on.
Melissa is moving back and forth in response to my entry, and at first she’s only biting her lip, not saying anything at all.
“She looks pretty happy,” Grace says. “Looks like you’ve got a good dick there, doc.”
I’m hardly amused. I open my eyes and look down at the video.
“Right here,” I tell her. “Watch her lips.”
Melissa’s mouth starts going, and even more than the 13 times I’ve replayed this part of the video, I can clearly see the words she’s saying.
“Oh shit,” Grace says, her voice turning serious.
The video goes on, and, with the wind over the microphone, you can hardly hear it when I’m asking her what she’s saying into the camera, but even with Melissa’s head turned toward me now, her explanation is clear enough through the phone’s speaker.
“Yeah, she’s lying,” Grace says. “That’s pretty fucked up, doc.”
“So, you can tell what she’s saying?”
“Yep.”
“And, it’s not what she said she was saying?” I ask.
“Nope,” she says.
Well, that’s just great.
Melissa and I have been together for over three years now, and I don’t know what to do.
As Melissa’s expression changes, I stop the video.
“Hey, I was watching that!” Grace protests.
“Yeah, she was about to hand the camera back to me,” I explain, “and that’s not what I wanted to show you.”
“Men,” she chuckles, “it doesn’t matter where we are, as soon as you’re done, you pull the plug.”
“So, what did she say?”
“Put the video back to where she starts talking,” Grace says.
I pull the phone closer to my face, doing my best to block the view in case I take the video back a bit too far, but Grace is leaning against me, looking over my shoulder.
“Do you mind?” I ask.
“Hey, you’re the one that blew off my medical procedure and then came over here to show me a video of you nailing your girlfriend,” she protests. “I think it’s only fair that I get to see the money shot.”
I try to ignore her as I manage to find a spot on the video before Melissa starts talking, but after the POV portion a few seconds before, I hit play again.
“All right,” Grace says as Melissa starts talking now. “Right there she’s saying, ‘Do you like that? Oh, I know you like that.’ That in itself isn’t necessarily anything bad, but it’s what she says next — right here: ‘You love watching someone else fuck me, don’t you?’ She’s saying, ‘I know you wish this was your cock inside me again.’”
I feel sick.
There was a small glimmer of hope that maybe I was just reading the wrong words on Melissa’s lips, but what Grace is saying is exactly what I was hearing.
“This part, I don’t quite get,” she says. “It looks like she’s mouthing the words, ‘Die, I can’t wait to have you inside me again.’”
“She’s not saying ‘die,’” I tell Grace.
“What’s she saying?”
“I’m pretty sure she’s saying ‘Ty.’ It’s her boss’s name,” I answer. “He gave her a promotion yesterday.”
“Now, that can’t feel good,” Grace says, not being burdened with any perceptible amount of restraint. “What are you going to do?”
“Honestly, I have no idea.”
“So, you’re looking for a reason to stay with her,” Grace says. “That’s why you came over here. You already knew what she was saying, otherwise you wouldn’t be having your little freakout.”
“People make mistakes,” I answer, hating myself for it. “Maybe we can work this out. I mean, we don’t really know that she’s even done anything with him-”
“I think the words ‘Ty, I can’t wait to have you inside me again’ would beg to differ,” Grace says. Then, in a softer voice, she asks, “Are you okay?”
No.
No, I’m not.
“Would you mind hanging out here for a bit?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I think I’ve already taken up enough of your time, and I’ve got to, you know, get back so I can decide if I want to try to work through this or tell Melissa to pack her shit and get the hell out of my apartment.”
“Where is she now?”
It’s a good question.
“I don’t know,” I answer.
“Well then,” she says, “give her a call and if she answers, go ahead and get home so you can do what you need to do. If she doesn’t answer, well, you’re not going to be able to do much sitting alone in your apartment waiting for her, other than to spiral.”
“I think I’m already there,” I tell her.
“Just stay for a little bit,” she says. “I could use the company, and frankly, I think you owe it to me after ditching out on me this morning.”
“Sorry about that,” I tell her. “Actually, I’m sorry about everything. In med school, they tell you not to get personally involved in your patients’ lives, but I think I’ve rejected that advice to a pretty astounding degree with you.”
Grace shrugs and says, “Shit happens. Are you going to try calling her or not?”
I nod and pull out my phone. The line rings, but eventually goes to voicemail. I try it again, but after only a couple of rings it goes to voicemail again.
“Rejecting your calls?” Grace asks.
I don’t answer.
“Don’t worry about it,” she says. “You can stay here until you hear something from her.”
“Okay,” I answer, detached.
“You know, if you really want to get back at her, we could always make our own video. I mean, I’m on chemo now, but I’m sure we could figure something out.”
I absolutely never know when she’s joking about stuff like that. There’s not really time for me to find out, though, as my phone starts to ring.
“Just a second,” I tell Grace and answer the call. “Hello?”
“What are you doing?” Melissa asks.
“Where are you?” I return.
“Why aren’t you at work?” Melissa asks.
“I wasn’t feeling up to it,” I tell her.
“Where are you?” she asks.
“I’m out,” I answer. “Why?”
“When are you going to be back?”
“I was just waiting to get a hold of you,” I tell her. “I can be back home in 20 minutes, if you’d-”
“Why aren’t you at work?” she repeats.
“I told you,” I answer, “I wasn’t feeling up to it. How did you know I wasn’t at work anyway?”
“I’m not home,” she says, out of context.
“Where are you?”
“I’ll be home in a few hours,” she says. “Then, I think we should talk.”
“I think that would be a good idea,” I answer.
The line is quiet, and for a few seconds, I’m thinking that she’s hung up.
“You watched the video,” she says.
“Yeah, I watched the video,” I answer.
“How did you-”
“You know,” I tell her, “I think you should probably head home now. I’ll meet you there.”
The line’s quiet again.
“Melissa?” I ask.
“Yeah,” she says. “I’ll be home soon.”
I hang up the phone and turn to Grace, saying, “I should probably-”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “Go.”
My mind isn’t doing me any favors right now. All I can see when I blink is Melissa’s mouth moving and that little one-sided smile she gets when she knows she’s getting away with something.
I shouldn’t have put Grace in the middle of this. She was right — I did know what Melissa was saying, but I didn’t want to believe it.
Adrenaline is surging through me as I pull into my parking space and get out of the car.
I give Melissa a quick call to see if she’s here yet, but she doesn’t answer.
Not knowing where she is right now, it’s impossible to know how long it’s going to be before she gets home.
When I get upstairs, I let myself in and just sit on the couch in the silence, waiting, hoping that nothing’s actually happened. I’m still holding onto the hope that I didn’t see what I know I saw and that Grace just happened to have the same delusion.
It’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s all I’ve got to hang onto right now.
The key enters the lock after a few more minutes and I get up to greet Melissa at the door, just hoping she’s alone.
“Jace,” she says, startled at the sight of me. “I didn’t-”
“Let’s talk,” I tell her, and walk back to the living room.
Everything’s quiet for a very long time.
I can’t be sure, but I do get the feeling we’re both holding our peace for the same reason: once we talk about it, it becomes real.
Finally, I’m sick of waiting in limbo. “Want to tell me what you were saying on the video?” I ask.
“First off,” she says, “I don’t even know how you saw it. I deleted it off of your phone after I sent it to mine.”
“You didn’t delete the message itself,” I tell her. “Deleting the video from my gallery didn’t unattach it from your message.”
“Right,” she says. “Look, I can explain-”
“And, you didn’t just send it to your phone, did you?” I ask. “If I call the other number you sent it to, who do you think is going to pick up the phone?”
“Why are you being such a baby about this? It’s not even what you think.”
“I’d love to hear what it is, then,” I tell her.
“It’s stupid,” she starts.
“Of that, I am certain,” I answer.
She gives me a dirty look, but her expression softens into the face she pulls when she’s trying to talk me into something.
“It’s only happened the one time,” she says. “It happened yesterday after he gave me the promotion. I don’t know, I felt like I had to.”
“You’re saying that he made you have sex with him?”
“No!” she answers quickly. “I don’t know. Just…”
“Just what?” I ask. “If he forced you, then we need to talk to-”
“I wanted to do it,” she says. “I came onto him.”
“Did he tell you he wouldn’t give you the promotion if you didn’t? Because that’s still-”
“I came onto him,” she repeats.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, that’s not nearly good enough,” I tell her.
“I guess I was just so grateful for getting that promotion — you know how I’ve always been overlooked in the past and everything. I guess I just-”
I interrupt, saying, “You’re doing a lot of guessing for someone who initiated the whole thing.”
“That’s not fair,” she says.
“In what way is that not fair?” I ask. “I’m just parroting back what you’ve already told me.”
“Look, the fact is that it happened and you saw the video. I wish that hadn’t happened, but we are where we are,” she says. “It is what it is.”
“What does that even mean?” I ask. “Are you sorry that you screwed your boss or are you sorry that you got caught?”
“I’m sorry that I-” She stops short. “I’m just sorry.”
“So, this is something that’s probably going to happen again, isn’t it?” I ask.
“No,” she says. “I realized something today. I realized that whatever short-lived fantasy I was cooking up in my head, you’re the one I want to be with. I don’t want to be with him and I wish I hadn’t made that stupid mistake in the first place.”
“How stupid do you think I am?” I ask.
“I don’t think you’re stupid,” she says. “I think you’re mad, and I don’t blame you.”
“You’re right,” I tell her, “I am mad.”
“And, you have every right to be,” she says. “Look, I made a stupid, terrible mistake and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.”
“Where were you today?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You weren’t here when I got up,” I tell her. “You weren’t here when you called me. Where did you go? I know you didn’t have work today.”
“I had to run into the office,” she says.
“And it took you five hours to do it?” I scoff.
“I had to get my office packed up.”
“Sounds like this worked out pretty well for you,” I snap.
“It’s just sex!” she shouts. “Why are you so fucking uptight about it?”
“We made a commitment,” I tell her.
“You’re the one that’s been going out with other women almost every night,” she says.
“That was your fucking idea!” I return. “You had to talk me into it, and every time I’ve told you that I think I should quit, you always find a way to convince me not to.”
“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” she says, her voice softening again. “We’ve both made some mistakes, and I think that we should just forgive each other and move on.”
I’m dumbfounded.
“Let’s just move on,” she repeats. “We’ve gone through some hard times before, but we’ve always worked through them. Do you know why?”
“Because I’m a blind fool,” I answer.
“No,” she says. “It’s because we love each other, and when you love someone and they make a mistake, you find a way to work it out.”
“So, let me get this straight,” I start. “You’ve already admitted that not only did you screw your boss, you got me to make a video for you to send to him where you’re mouthing about how much you wish it was him inside you, and now you’re saying I should just suck it up and deal with it because that’s what people do when they love each other?”
“Yeah,” she says.
“I really can’t believe you even agreed to that. Why did you even make that video? What was the fucking point of that? If that’s what you wanted to do, why didn’t you just take it on your phone? You might have even gotten away with it if you’d done that.”
She doesn’t answer.
“Melissa?” I implore.
“What?”
“Answer the question.”
“I don’t think we’re accomplishing anything right now,” she says. “I think we need to both take a little time and think about what’s happened so we can approach it later with calmer heads.”
“I think we should talk about it now or you can start getting your shit out of my apartment,” I rejoin.
“It’s our apartment,” she protests.
“I’m the one on the lease,” I tell her.
And, of course, this is the moment that she starts crying.
“I’m so sorry,” she says. “I know that what I did was wrong, and I don’t expect you to ever forgive me.”
“Yeah, I think that’s going to be a tough sell,” I tell her.
“See?” she bawls. “You hate me.”
“I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work.”
“And, what am I doing?” she asks through her tears.
“You’re trying to make me feel bad so I end up not only letting you stay, but actually trying to make you feel better about the fact that you fucking cheated on me and only came clean after it was clear that you didn’t destroy all the evidence.”
“How can you think that?” she asks, laying it on even thicker now. “I wanted to tell you as soon as it happened, but I was scared that you’d leave me. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you. I want to spend my life with you.”
“That’s a little harder to believe today than it would have been yesterday,” I tell her.
“If I can’t be with you, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.” She decides to top it off with a cliché, “I don’t know how to not be with you!”
I roll my eyes, but that just makes her bottom lip start quivering. She’s laying it on, but whether the pain on her face is real or not, we’ve been together long enough and I’ve given enough of myself to her that it still affects me.
“This isn’t okay,” I tell her.
“I know,” she says. “I know I messed up. I’m not going to let anything like this happen again.”
“Would you have told me about this if I hadn’t seen the video?”
“Of course,” she says, straightening her posture. “It was eating me up inside.”
“Seriously, did you buy a book of ‘I just cheated on you’ clichés or something?”
Her expression turns again. “I can’t believe you’d say that,” she says. “You’re behaving like I’m putting on some kind of act. I feel terrible, but if you’re not willing to work through this, I understand. I’ll grab my things.”
She gets up and starts heading to the bedroom.
I don’t know if it’s a bluff or if she’s actually ready to walk out the door, but even knowing that she’s playing me, it’s still a reflex for me to say, “Stop.”
She turns around, her eyes sad but hopeful. “I’m not going to stay if you don’t think I’m worth it,” she says. “I’d certainly understand if that’s the way you feel. I’d probably feel that way right now, too.”
“I know what you’re doing,” I tell her.
She turns back toward the bedroom, hanging her head.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love you,” I tell her.
Half of me is relieved that the status quo is still in effect, at least for a while. The other half of me wants to curb stomp the first part.
What the hell am I doing? This isn’t me.
Before I met Melissa, I was a very different person. Yeah, I was a lot rougher around the edges, but I also remember being a lot happier.
Now, the only one that ever has a smile is her, and that only seems to happen when she’s successfully manipulated me in one way or another.
Like right now.
“You’re not going to regret this,” she says. “I’m going to prove to you that you can trust me. I’m not going to let you down again.”
“Uh huh,” I answer, apathetic.
“In fact,” she says, “I don’t know about you, but I could go for some makeup sex right now.”
Although I’ve already made the mistake, the damage has already been invited back to do its thing, something clicks in my head, and I’m starting to feel a lot more like my old self.
“Go ahead,” I tell her.
She furrows her brow, but her confusion only lasts a moment.
“Where do you want to do it?” she asks. “We could do it right here on the couch, or in the bedroom, or in the kitchen or, ooh, we could do it in the shower. We haven’t done that in a long-”
“You didn’t understand me,” I tell her.
“What?” she asks.
“When I told you to go ahead,” I answer, “you didn’t understand what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“I meant that you can go ahead and fuck yourself.”
Holy shit: that felt good.