Chapter Sixteen

 

CASPER

“I’m sorry, your fiancée didn’t make it.”

“It appears she suffocated.”

“The police would like to have a word with you when you’re ready. They have a few questions they’d like you to answer if you can.”

“There’ll be an inquest. They’ll do an autopsy.”

“The coroner’s report couldn’t confirm the cause of death. It’s possible she suffocated, but there was also alcohol and other toxins in her blood. Not enough to overdose on, but her reactions would have been impaired. Do you know if she regularly took horse tranquilizers?”

“You’re free to go, Mr. Morgan. It’s unclear if the position she died in had any bearing on the event. No charges will be laid against you.”

“Such unfortunate circumstances. It was an accident.”

“An accident.”

“A freak accident.”

That’s what they said. I still can’t wrap my head around how it could be an accident though. I was culpable, damn it. I should have been able to tell something was wrong, and not been so lost in the moment that I couldn’t see her dying right in front of my eyes.

My chest constricts so painfully I almost bow to it. There’s no getting away from this conversation. Once Mandy sets her mind to something she’s impossible to dissuade her. It’s one of the things that draws me in so fucking hard. When did my care for the girl start to outweigh my memories? “She died right in front of me. Juliette. My fiancée. About eighteen months ago. We were…she was…”

Her hands land on my shoulders and turn me to her. She’s like an angel with all that silvery blonde hair puffed up around her face in a tangled web of knots from rubbing against the tree. Putting her arms around my waist, she holds onto me as she presses her cheek to my chest. Can she hear how hard my heart beats? Can she hear each breath that rattles my ribs?

“I don’t even know where to begin.” I let out a strangled laugh. “You might not even believe me.”

“I’ll believe you, Cas. You’ve never told me anything that wasn’t true. Except for when you were calling me stupid, and even then it was more the wrong choice of words.”

“I shouldn’t have called you that.” I curl an arm around her shoulders and hold her tightly to me for a moment. “Because it isn’t true. Far from it, in fact. You’re smart and determined, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I was such a jerk to you.”

“You don’t want anyone getting close.”

No, that’s not it exactly. I grip her arms and hold them at her sides as I pull back. “I don’t want anyone getting hurt. Juliette died because of me. I don’t care what anyone else says. Things like that don’t just happen.”

“Cas, you wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“Fuck, Mandy. She choked to death on my dick.”

The words explode from me like an atomic bomb and I have to turn away from her. I stumble a few steps before I can look at her again. “She suffocated while we were…while she was…I killed her with my penis.”

Mandy laughs. It starts as a giggle. Her eyes wide, she covers her mouth with her hand to stifle the sound. All that does is make her laugh harder until her shoulders start to shake and her eyes water. “You’re making this up, right? This is your elaborate excuse to not have sex with me?”

“I lost my fiancée because of my fucking dick. She died, Mandy. For fuck’s sake, can you stop laughing?” I want to grab her and shake some sense into her. I’m telling her my deepest darkest regrets, my secrets, and she laughs at me?

“Trying.” She pants. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Not trying to be mean.” She holds her hand out to me. “But come on, Cas. Surely it wasn’t because of your dick. It’s big and you’re rough, but there has to be more to it, doesn’t there? I mean you can’t be that big.”

“Can’t I?” I grit my teeth and tug on the zip then shove my pants down and let it all fucking hang out.

She stops laughing immediately. Her eyes grow huge in her pretty face. So much bigger than they were over finding out why I can’t be with her. Her mouth forms an O and then she whispers, “Wow. It’s not even hard.”

“Believe me now?”

“No.” She tilts her head to the side and wraps a strand of her hair around her finger while her gaze is glued to my cock.

“You should.” I grab my pants to pull them back up.

“Don’t,” she whispers. Twigs snap under her feet as she moves in front of me, her hand going to my cock, hesitating. The heat of her fingers is right there above my skin. My dick twitches and grows. “Twelve inches?”

“Close enough.” I can’t move. Can’t make my muscles work while she stands so near, almost touching me. “Enough to destroy my life.”

“I am so sorry that you lost someone you loved.”

“Me too.”

“Surely it was an accident?”

“That’s what the investigators said, but I was right there with her. I should have been able to do something about it.” It actually feels good to tell her, though it doesn’t change anything. Somehow it’s like her knowing and laughing over it makes it not so horrifying.

Looking up at me, she bites her lip. “Can I touch it?”

Fuck. I haven’t been this naked with another person since Juliette. I haven’t let anyone touch me. In fact, Mandy’s the only one who has gotten around my grouchiness. And I want her to touch me. I need her to wrap her hand around me. I tamp down on the fear that runs through my veins and nod.

Her fingers play across my shaft, over the top and then along the thick raised vein underneath. I hiss out a breath and look up at the sky as my erection swells. If I look at her I’m going to want more than I can have, and it might kill me to know that I can’t have her because she means so much to me.

There are things one isn’t supposed to experience more than once in a lifetime, though this sensation beating in my chest is almost familiar. Her nails scratch lightly around the crown of my cock and then she wraps her palm around as much of me as she can and strokes. There’s pleasure in her touch, there’s pain in my memories. My hips rush to meet her hand, over and over and over.

“Cas?” she whispers as she squeezes and strokes me.

When I look at her she’s flushed pink, her lips open as she pants softly to the rhythm of her hold on me. With a growl, I crush her to me and suck and lick at her mouth while I coat her hand with my cum. Mandy Pearce is breaking me down inch by inch, brick by brick. I’m not sure I’ll survive when she stops.

***

Razer is talking to me about something. I can’t really hear him all that well over the band at the front of the barn. In front of us fifty odd kids, twenty staff, numerous volunteers, and the kids’ families mingle. A lot of them are dancing. I’m propped against the wall watching her.

It’s a costume party. The kids made theirs out of whatever they could find. I’m pretty sure one of them decided to wave some branches around and call himself a tree, but most of them put in some real thought and the adults pitched in to make their ideas a reality.

Mandy is wearing wings. Sparkly sequined fairy wings with a bright pink tutu and a white leotard. She’s even colored her hair pink for the occasion. She’s so fucking beautiful.

Behind her Sam stands with Summer. He can’t stop watching Mandy either, his gaze tracking her every move. They’ve been getting closer over the past few weeks thanks to his helping her go through the paperwork we took from her grandmother’s attic. A feral sound vibrates in my throat.

“You and Mandy are getting close?” Razer says. “That’s really good to see.”

“What?” I tear my attention away from Sam and Mandy.

“You and Mandy,” he repeats louder.

“What about me and Mandy?”

“You two serious?”

Mandy flits between the kids, spinning and twirling. She’s even got herself a wand. And a bag of trinkets to hand out. She catches me staring and breaks into a grin. I swear if there wasn’t a room full of children she’d probably seduce me with her dance moves. It wouldn’t even be on purpose to make that jackass who isn’t good enough to be her Mister Right jealous. It wouldn’t take much for her to wind me around her little finger. She’s all I can think about since that afternoon in the forest.

Not that we’ve talked about what happened.

She’s caught me staring at her a few times and was unable to hide the blush in her cheeks or the way her nipples stabbed at her top.

I’ve caught her with her gaze glued to my ass, or my crotch, and I’ve been unable to swallow, let alone speak. My mouth waters for another taste.

She’s asked me all kinds of questions about Juliette until it’s not so hard to answer them, and she’s reminded me again and again and again how it has to have been an accident, until I started to see things from her point of view. She’s told me over and over that my dick isn’t as horrifying as I like to make it out to be. It’s actually quite a nice dick, according to her.

But we haven’t talked about how she asked me to take her virginity or whether she still wishes I would. And we haven’t discussed how I can’t stop wondering how far I could go with her before I freaked out about my goddamn cock. We haven’t spoken of hard limits, like how I am never going to let another woman put her mouth on my dick.

And I want to discuss those things with her. Now. Before she goes to dinner with Sam Sweets tonight. Pushing off the wall, I make my way to where she’s talking to one of the kids. She stands up and fluffs the front of her tutu as I get to her.

“Come on.”

“What are we doing?” she asks as I lead her from the barn out into the night. To the right of us is a bonfire. Red sparks fly up into the sky and then fall dark. Children yell and giggle as they carve dark streaks through the field, the lights from their flashlights bouncing off trees and grass and rocks.

Her hand is snug in mine, her steps wide and unhurried. When I glance at her she smiles big. So big. I get this urge to have her inked into my skin. Just like this. With the wings and the wand and the tutu. We round the corner of the barn away from the kids and everyone else, and step into the shadows. I pull her to my chest, cup her face. Her pink hair slips through my fingers as I press my forehead to hers. “Ask me again.”

“Ask you what, Cas?” Our breath mingles, her chest pressed to mine. This time I don’t try to keep space between us. I want every part of her touching every part of me. I need her to feel what she does to me and know what I ache to do to her.

“Are you going to tell him you’re a vi—”

She puts her fingers over my mouth to shut me up. “Am I going to tell the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with that I lied to him almost from the beginning? That wouldn’t be very smart.”

“Then ask me,” I tell her.

“Are you serious?” she asks. “I know this is a huge deal for you. I can’t ask you to do something you’ll be uncomfortable with.”

I slide my hand down the wall to her hip, slip it under her tutu and between her legs. She’s wearing a leotard. It would be so easy to push the thin cloth barrier aside with her panties and penetrate her with my fingers. “Ask me.”

She whimpers at my touch, her arms winding around my neck. Her mouth seeks mine in a slow kiss. “Cas, please have sex with me? Help me get the first time out of the way.”

“Don’t have dinner with him tonight,” I whisper against her lips. “Ask me to come home with you instead.” 

She pulls away slowly. “I can’t. Not tonight. If I want him to fall for me I have to be available while pretending I’m not obtainable. That’s the only way he’ll work out how good we could be together. Isn’t that why we’re playing like we’re together?”

“Right.” I let her go, stumble back as I ruffle the hair at the back of my head. I’m starting to forget what is pretend and what’s real. Of course she would choose to spend time with him when she’s always been clear from the beginning that she’s going to land him by hook or by crook. It’s time to remember I’m only her fake boyfriend. And this was my idea in the first place.  

“I better go,” she says.

“Yup.” I kick at a stone that bounces against the barn before rolling back in front of my boot. “Don’t want to leave him waiting.”

As she hurries back the way we came a tear away group of older kids run past me with glow sticks in their hands. Their raised voices grate on my nerves as I jump out of the way. I don’t want to go back in the barn and watch her tell him she’s ready to leave with him. I head to the kitchen instead. May as well start on tomorrow’s prep. Whatever it takes to keep my mind occupied and away from Mandy’s pink tutu and what she’s hiding underneath.

What she’s ready to give Sam Sweets.