Chapter Twenty-Four

 

MANDY

“Is it?” Cas murmurs. He’s still got me trapped in the circle of his arm so even though my heart wants to throw up glitter at the way he’s staring into me. “Is that it then, Mandy?”

“Of course it is.” I nod, mainly so I can look at something that isn’t him. This is what we’ve been working up to all summer. This is the pivotal moment. It’s where I finally get Sam, which is what I’ve wanted for so long. Maybe I should be more excited, but it’s probably nerves that swarm me. It isn’t because tonight or tomorrow or the next day I’ll finally have to say goodbye to Cas. But that’s a good thing too; him leaving. It’s time to concentrate on the future.

“I’m leaving after this, just so you know.”

“I’ll miss you,” I say.

“One last kiss?” he asks quietly, into my ear.

How can I refuse? One last kiss. One more moment where my belly flip-flops and my heart stutters. One more moment with Cas. I tip my head back and lift up on my tiptoes to slide my mouth across his. It’s only a little kiss.

His grip on me tightens. Both sinewy arms slide up my back and press me to him. For a second I could swear I catch his heartbeat in the palm of my hand, before I curl my fingers in his shirt and drag his mouth as close as we can get. There’s a feral desperation in the way our tongues clash, in the bite of his teeth on my bottom lip. God, the man leaves me needy and aching like nothing else does. He makes my toes curl and sets my insides on fire. Don’t go.

A couple of girls enter the hallway. Giggling, they bump and sway against each other as they make their way toward us. Cas draws away from me, but his gaze lingers, even as he sidesteps and leans against the wall beside me so the girls can get by. They stage whisper over how gorgeous he is as they pass us and one of them flutters her eyelashes at him.

My heart squeezes, but at the same time I know how this break up is going to go before he reaches out to grasp her hand. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to cause more damage than any blunt knife ever could. But that’s what I want, isn’t it? It has to be real.  

  Oh God, why does it feel so freaking real as he pulls one of the girls against him, as he uses those big hands of his to tip her head back. With her black hair shimmering under the strip lighting, she drops her hands to his chest as I take a backward step. Staring up at him with dilated pupils, hazy with alcohol and lust, her lips part, and he brushes his thumb across the lower one.

“Ready?” he asks.

The girl nods and her friend coos, but he’s looking at me. He’s waiting for me, and why wouldn’t I be ready?

This is the night I land the man of my dreams. Perfect Sam. My Mister Right. Even as I jerk my chin, my eyes sting. I can’t watch him kiss someone who isn’t me. Even if it’s as fake as we were meant to be. I can’t stand the idea of it. I race out of that hallway as fast as I can.

By the time I enter the main room of Mayhem where the noise drowns out my rapid pulse and my hiccupping breaths the moment is over. It’s going to be fine. This is what I want. This is the plan. And I am always the girl with the plan.

Sam spots me and rushes to my side. His fingers land on my cheeks, his thumbs brushing the wetness from them while he showers me with concern. “What’s wrong?”

I almost tell him that nothing is wrong. That right now, this is the first time all summer things have been right. Cas is kissing some other girl while I stand here with the man I plan to marry and have kids with. Is Cas relieved to put this farce behind us? Or does it sting a little for him too? This break up is fake, but the emotions swirling inside me feel real. It’s only because Cas is leaving. After this I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, and I’m not ready to say goodbye. I don’t want to lose him from my life completely, even though we both knew it would come to this.

“Cas is, he was…” I point to the door behind me. “He’s kissing someone else. I didn’t want to hurt him, and he kissed her right in front of me. He just—”

“That asshole.” Sam growls. His fingers pulse with tension against my skin. “I can’t believe he would do that to you.”

“I-it doesn’t matter. It’s not like you and I haven’t—”

“Mandy?” Cas flies through the door, staggering to a stop when he sees Sam and me. He sucks in a big gulping breath as he takes in how close we are. “Fuck. We need to talk. We should talk about this.” He completely ignores Sam while he marches toward us, his gaze zeroing in on me, begging me. “Please come outside with me. Hear me out.”

“She doesn’t have anything to say to you,” Sam snaps.

“No, nothing.” I shake my head, try to hide the fresh wetness that blurs my vision. These tears are ridiculous. I must be a better actor than I ever imagined.

“Please, Mandy?” Cas reaches for me.

Sam shifts so that he’s between us. “She said she didn’t want to. You should leave.”

“Is that what you really want?” Cas drops his hand to his side, solely focused on me. He looks in distress, and I wonder whether he channels the way he felt about Juliette to make this so agonizingly real. “Because it would only take one word from you.”

I want to reach out and smooth the pain from his face, but I don’t because this isn’t real. This is all for Sam’s benefit. It’s not like Cas actually feels this way because of me, is it? If he did…

“Back off,” Sam tells him. “Let her be.”

“Why?” Cas glowers at him. “You want her, don’t you? You’ve been waiting to get between us since she chose me instead of you. But you don’t love her.”

And this can’t be real. Cas is pushing Sam. That’s all. He doesn’t want me to tell him to stay. “Cas, please, you’re making this worse than it has to be.”

“Maybe I do,” Sam says. His blue eyed gaze lands on mine and he shakes his head as if he can’t believe he’s only starting to come to the conclusion he has, or like maybe he’s still not all that sure it’s appropriate. “I have feelings for you, Mandy. I don’t know what they are, exactly, but I’d like to find out.”

I almost swoon. Hearing the man of your dreams tell you he has feelings is like finding a bag filled with only pink M&M’s. It’s like winning the lottery. It’s a perfect moment. And there aren’t so many of those that it doesn’t stop my whole world on its axis. “You mean that?”

“I do.”

“Mandy.” Cas’s voice is raw and strangled. “Please.”

I turn my back on him because he’s too convincing. If I didn’t know better I would think we both meant every word that we’re saying. I would believe this break up was real, that these emotions were real. Only my head knows better. “Sam, can you take me home?”

“Sure,” he says, gripping my elbow. “I’ll let the others know we’re leaving.”

Cas’s fingers brush against my wrist as Sam ushers me past him. They spark warmth along my nerves all the way to my heart. I glance back. For a second. For long enough that I will never be able to forget the way he looks at me. The same way he did the first time I caught him looking at me when he thought I wasn’t watching him. Only now he’s unguarded and open.

“Je suis amoureux de toi,” he says.

What the hell does that even mean? I shake my head as I focus on Sam’s warm hand engulfing my elbow as he pulls me through the crowd. Knowing Cas, it’s probably French for, You’re a pain in my ass.