Josh

 

 

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I rap my knuckles on the door to Harrison’s apartment with slow, heavy precision. It’s the antithesis to the beat of my heart that’s racing in my chest, tripping over itself clumsily. The last few hours have been a rollercoaster, wild and unpredictable, and that’s exactly how I feel when I hear him call out nervously from inside.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Josh,” I answer quietly.

He hurries to the door, his fingers making quick work of the locks inside.

When the door swings open, my fingers roll up tight into a fist ready to fly. I’m one second away from punching him in the face when I see someone already beat me to it. A deep purple bruise is forming under his left eye.

“Josh, I’m so sorry,” he rattles off immediately. “I fucked up, man. I fucked up big.”

My hand loosens, the race in my heart winding down. I push the door open wider, nodding for him to back up and let me in.

The place is trashed. Every drawer is open and emptied onto the floor. His couch is bleeding white clouds from long gashes cut across its cushions. There’s a crooked frame on the floor in the hall surrounded by a glittering sea of broken glass. A broom and dustpan lay discarded on its shore.

“I know you’re mad,” Harrison acknowledges anxiously. “I know I fucked up, but I’m glad you didn’t get hurt.”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “Slow down and tell me what the hell happened.”

“They broke in. They were wearing leathers but I couldn’t read the back. At first I thought they were the Devil’s Due, but I didn’t recognize any of them. They kicked the door in and when I stood up, one of them punched me in the eye. After that, everything was pretty blurry.”

“It was the Black Hawks. They’re an M.C. in Culver.”

“You know them?”

“Then what?” I push, my voice low and even. Dead.

“They told me they wanted the drugs. I told them I didn’t have any, that I never have it. It’s locked up somewhere that I can’t get to. That pissed them off. They started ripping the place apart looking for it but I kept telling them I didn’t have it. They searched for, like, twenty minutes when one of them finally gave up. He told me to take him to the drugs. I told him I don’t have a key. Only one person has the key.”

“That’s when you gave me up.”

Harrison’s face falls, his brow coming down so low over his eyes they look half-closed. “I didn’t want to, dude, but they brought out a knife. They said they were going to cut me. I was scared. I panicked.” He lowers his head, his shoulders slumping in defeat and self-hatred. “I texted you with a bogus order to get you to go to your house. I told them where to find you and where the key is. When they left, they took my phone so I couldn’t text you again to warn you.”

“Then how did you? You texted me right before I went into the house.”

“Online. I logged into my cell account and sent it through the internet. So, you got it before you went in? You didn’t get jumped?”

“I did. They were waiting inside.”

His face drops. “I’m so—”

“Do me a favor,” I interrupt. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry again.”

“I know you’re mad, but I didn’t know want to do it. I was scared.”

“I get that.”

“You have a gun and a whole gang at your back. I don’t have shit. When they came in, I thought I was dead. I seriously thought I was going to die.”

“I know.”

“Then what… What are we gonna do?” he asks uncertainly. My calmness is throwing him off, setting him on edge. I can see the rise in his shoulders, his hands coming up to chest height. He might not realize it but he’s moved into a defensive position, like he’s afraid I’m going to hit him.

I’m still wondering if I might.

I take a deep breath, holding it in as I survey his apartment. His swollen eye. His shaking fingers.

I release the breath slowly. “You’re done. You’re out.”

Harrison’s hands lower slightly. “What?”

“You’re out,” I repeat clearly. “The game has changed. It’s not what it used to be. It’s more dangerous now and you can’t be in it. You’re right. I have more protection than you do and I thought by keeping you a secret from the Due that I was keeping you safe, but I was wrong. I fucked up too. But I’m going to fix it.”

“By freezing me out?”

“Yeah. Basically.”

“What the fuck, Josh?” he demands angrily.

I raise my eyebrows. “Are you sure you wanna take that tone with me today?”

He calms immediately, retreating back into himself. “I know I screwed up, but I thought I was going to die.”

“I heard you.”

“Then give me another chance.”

“I can’t even if I wanted to. The Due will want answers on how this happened and I’m going to have to stand in their den with them and tell them I refuse to give you up. I don’t know how that’s going to play out for me.” I gesture dismissively to his eye. “Probably worse than that, so don’t give me shit, alright?”

“You won’t give me up to them?” he asks hesitantly.

“We’re brothers. I’d never do that to you.”

My words hit him harder than the Hawks fist he took to the eye. He flinches, his face contorting with regret.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“I told you to stop saying that shit.”

“Sor—I know.”

“You said they took your phone?”

He nods. “Yeah.”

“Fuck,” I mutter into my palm, running my hand over my mouth slowly. “They have our buyer’s information.”

“Oh shit, I didn’t even think about that. What do you think they’ll do with it?”

“Threaten us. Blackmail us. Try to run us out of business.”

“When you say ‘us’, you’re talking about you and the Due, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. Why?”

Harrison looks down at his hands, gripping them together tightly. “I don’t know, man. I just think… I wonder if you’re not getting in too deep with them. This was supposed to be a short term thing, right? And now you’re cutting me out and going in deeper with them. You’re always with them. I never see you anymore, even at class. You never used to skip and now you’re only going, like, half the time.”

“I’m still passing.”

“Yeah, but you used to ace everything. What are your grades looking like this term?”

Shit. They’re looking like total shit because when I say I’m passing, I’m barely passing. They’re so bad, I’ve considered doing something I swore to myself that I’d never do.

I consider hacking into the school database to fix my grades.

It’d be an easy fix, but I have misgivings. I like to earn what’s mine. I don’t want anything handed to me and stealing something like that feels wrong on a level I’m not ready to ascend to. It’s my own fault I’m almost failing. I spend every spare second I have with Raw and Skeeze at the bar or at Raw’s apartment. Out at parties. On the road learning to ride. Going on errands for the club. I’m knee deep in Due business and the truth is, I love riding with them. It gets me closer to Harlow, sure, but even if she wasn’t there, I’d still do it. I like the feel of a bike under my bones. I like the way people look at me when I roll into a room, everyone assuming I’m one of the Devil’s Due. Women edge in closer. Men take a step back. It’s a kind of respect I’ve never had before. I’ve always been lesser than everybody else. Poor and inbred. Disgusting. But when I’m with the Due, there’s a kind of deference in the way people look at me, and I like that feeling. I won’t apologize for it. I feel like after all these years of busting my ass, I fucking earned it.

“Do me a favor,” I tell Harrison, ignoring his question. “Cancel the number on that cell phone, then email me the list of buyers. I need to get on damage control ASAP.”

“I can get in touch with people for you.”

“Just send me the list.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

I look around the chaos at our feet, but for what, I don’t know. Whatever it is, I don’t find it. When I look up at Harrison again, I still have to leave. I still can’t be friends with him anymore.

It’s a sobering truth.

I offer him my hand. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

He looks at me with a half-smile, his eyes hooded. Hurt. “Yeah, man.” He takes my hand, stepping into a hug with me. “You too.”

“If you have any more trouble from—”

“I’ll see you around campus,” he interrupts abruptly, stepping out of my hold.

I pinch my lips together, nodding. Stalling. “Yep. I’ll see you around.”

With nothing else to say or do, I turn to leave. I put my back to one of my only friends, cutting ties with a part of my life I never saw myself saying goodbye to. I didn’t imagine I’d deal drugs forever, but I thought I’d be tight with Harrison for at least a few more years. I expected it to be marriage and kids that drifted us apart, not biker gangs and drug deals that cut us clean in two.

This isn’t the life I imagined for myself, but this is the life I’ve got.

It’s the one I’m good at.

It’s the one I want.