My parents are dead.
Every bruise, cut, and injury, my father caused me seems to have reopened in the face of his death. The pain is overwhelming. When I close my eyes, I see all of the anger and hatred he had for me replay over and over in my mind.
I hated him and I’m glad he’s dead—and that makes me a terrible person.
The feeling of grief engulfs me when I allow the reality of my parents’ death to permeate my mind. The little girl inside of me is terrified at being all alone in the world, the sole surviving member of my family. But the downtrodden teenager who suffered at the hands of my father, who wasn’t protected by my mother, keeps reminding me that they hurt me, that they betrayed me and deceived me.
My mama loved my father, that love was the reason she chose him over me. That love is what caused her to accept his abuse and defend him. My sister fell in love and that love caused her to leave me behind, that love meant she chose her freedom over her family. I don’t blame her, but that love ultimately led to her death.
I love Daisy.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want Daisy to die, and so far, all love has brought me and the people around me, is pain and death.
I don’t want to be alone. Daisy saved me, and I know I’ll never love anyone the way that I love him, but I don’t want to be the reason he’s hurt. I don’t want to be the reason he dies.
Thoughts swirl around inside my head, Daisy, my parents, my sister, all of them warring for the last word in the spiral of depression that seems to be consuming me.
I’m hungry, but when I try to eat my hands won’t move. I’m tired, but when I close my eyes all I see are their cold, dead faces turned and staring at me. I want Daisy, but I don’t want to hurt him more with my guilt and grief.
I find solace in the void within my mind. Retreating to the familiar peace, I let the silence overwhelm me and I block out everything else.
Someone organizes a funeral. I stand at the front of the church while Daisy guides me. I don’t remember the service. I don’t speak, I don’t eat, I don’t cry. All of my tears have dried up, all grief I felt for my father has gone. I’m glad he’s dead. My heart aches for my mama, her love was ultimately the architect of her death. She would still be alive if she had found the strength to walk away from him, if she would have acknowledged that he was hurting her, that he was hurting all of us. But she couldn’t.
Daisy told me that my parents’ death wasn’t an accident, that they think it was Carduccio’s men who forced my parent’s car off the road. It was meant to be a warning, a threat to force them to pay the money they owed, but in the end the money killed them.
Grief is a fickle beast. The only thing keeping me sane is Daisy. His constant and enduring love is the only thing keeping my head above water, the only reason I manage to drag myself out of my own head each day.
My hate for my father and his responsibility for my mama’s death consumes me. I want to shout it from the rooftops, that he killed them. He killed my sister, he killed my mama and he was the only one that deserved to die.
Because of him I’m eighteen and alone, that shouldn’t happen. My mama won’t be there on my wedding day, she won’t know my children, she won’t get to see me happy and loved.
“I love you,” Daisy whispers, as he pulls me into his arms.
He’s told me dozens of times already today that he loves me, that we will get through this, that I’m not alone.
It takes seven days for him to permeate my depression, when finally his words start to be louder than the pain and anguish in my mind.
I’m not alone.
Because I have a man whom I love, who loves me in return.
I have a family, who in the short time I’ve known them, have shown me more support and affection than my father did in my entire life.
I have friends. Grits has visited me every day. She’s consoled me, brought me brochures for the community college, and talked at me when I couldn’t fight my way to speak back. Anders and Blade have taken all of Daisy’s shifts so he didn’t have to leave my side. The Sinners have accepted me and taken me under their wing.
I wake up and it takes me a few minutes to remember that my father’s gone. I feel grateful that he can’t hurt me anymore, that I’m safe and free. But then I remember that she’s gone too and that it’s his fault.
I’m angry. I’m angry that my mama didn’t leave him, that she didn’t see how evil he was. I think she must have known deep down, but she was just so frightened of him. Her spirit was so beaten down that she lost her fight.
I miss my mama. I miss Nicole. I miss the history and despite my father there were good times and good memories.
But I’m not alone.
Even in the darkest depths of my grief, anger and loss I have Daisy, the light at the end of the tunnel. It might take some time, but he will help me pull all of my broken and shattered pieces back together again.
Two random meetings, nine emails, and four days, led me to the beautiful boy with the silly name. He brought me back to life and I’ll never be alone again, because that beautiful man loves me and he taught me how to love him back.