Chapter 16

CARSON

I moved back into Bethany’s place, and in the weeks that followed, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I took a break from my project and it was the scariest thing that I had ever done, but more important was my need to figure out my heart, because Xander had jumbled everything up.

Was I going to accept the finance that he had pledged to the network to use in undertaking my show, or was I going to walk away from it and find my own way?

I was terrified that the decision I was going to make would be the wrong one and that it would send me back to square one.

Over the weeks I pondered my options, missing Xander so much that I found myself crying to sleep more times than I was proud of. I had been back home twice to visit my father but the daily updates that he still had not woken up brought me to the kind of despair that I hadn’t felt since he initially had the accident. It felt as though everything was crumbling around me, but one evening I got up from the bed and decided to make a final decision.

I asked Bethany and Ida what they thought about it and they each had more than enough to say.

“I say get a huge alimony check from the billionaire, and go your own way,” Bethany said, and Ida sent her a poisonous look.

“What? Everyone is so emotional about everything.”

“She is in love with him,”

“Love doesn't always solve everything. People are made up of their beliefs and this comes from their interpretation of the things that happen to them in life. You can’t just wish someone to change the way they think just because you want them to. It has to come with time and life experiences that none of us have any control over. Xander might have a change of heart and come back to her, and that would be great but if he doesn't then Carson has to move on. She can treasure it as one of those amazing life experiences. It is a story that she can tell and retell and will never get old. You told her this at the start of this whole thing Ida, now I don't know why you’re being sentimental about it all.” She shook her head in disgust.

“Now I know why you keep changing boyfriends,” Ida said. “Your heart is made of stone.”

“It’s not, I’ve just come to realize that nothing is truly a big deal. Life keeps moving on regardless of what we think or experience, so why stress over what we can’t control.”

Life keeps moving on regardless of what you think or experience.

Those words played over and over in my head and haunted me every single moment thereafter until I worked up the courage and returned to my network.

“You want to end the contract?” Jeremy Hay, the lead executive on my show exclaimed.

I nodded my head in response and covered my trembling hands. “I am not sure that I have the confidence to see it through, so I ask that I be placed among the other writing teams for the upcoming season.”

The argument went back and forth, but luckily for me, the best consensus was reached. Xander had made it clear to them that he would not be withdrawing his commitment, and the network’s belief in my script was solid, so we agreed to defer it until the following year.

I sought comfort in the offer, still uncertain as to what my final decision would be in the coming year, but patient enough to wait it out. I stepped out of the network offices, and stood on the sidewalk, to take in the bustle of the city, no longer the broke and jobless dreamer that I had been just a few months earlier. I now had a place in the second season of their most famous currently airing show, and couldn’t wait to learn all that I could.

None of this could have happened without Xander. He truly had been a blessing to me, but his rejection of a life with me broke my heart.

Angrily I wiped the tears from my eyes and hailed the next cab that was going toward his office. I was going to barge in and demand the life that I wanted with him. He had once told me that doing what I had to do to keep my dream alive was one of the things he most admired about me. In this case, also, I was not going to back down.

I was almost at his headquarters when my phone began to ring. The moment I saw it was my mother, I hurriedly picked it up, the familiar wave of fear washing over me.

“Hey Mom, how are you? How’s daddy doing?”

I expected her usual response, “We’re still waiting, but the doctors say that there is hope.” However, when the other end of the line remained silent, I stopped breathing.

“Mom,” I said. “Mom. Has he woken up?”

“No,” she said very quietly. “He just passed away.”

In that moment, I felt everything still around me. There was no more coherence of time, place, or sound.

“I’ll be right there,” I somehow heard myself say, and ended the call.

The route of my cab was instantly changed to the John F. Kennedy Airport. Upon my arrival there, however, my nightmare continued. There were no immediate flights out to Connecticut.

♡

XANDER

I was awoken by an incoming call. For the first few minutes I ignored it, but then when it kept ringing, I searched for my phone by the bedside table and brought it to my ear.

“Hello?” I croaked.

“You’re sleeping in the middle of the afternoon?” David’s voice resounded in my ears. “Wow, Carson really did a number on you. When are you planning to come back to work? It’s been two weeks.”

I ended the call and tossed the phone away. It rang again so I found it to turn off and went back to sleep. A little while later, however, my doorbell began to ring. The shrill sound coursed through the apartment without stopping and came close to driving me insane. With a shout I got up and marched down the stairs, ready to kill David. This was the first time I had been able to sleep in two days.

I jerked open the door, ready to rain down curses on him, but when I saw instead who was there, I froze. There were tears coursing down her cheeks and it scared me more than anything ever had.

“Carson, are you alright?”

“I was calling you,” she cried. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone?”

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “I thought it was David. What’s going on?”

“I need to get to get Connecticut,” she pleaded, unable to control her tears. “Right now.”

“What happened?”

“My dad…” she said, and I didn't need any further explanation. I got dressed immediately and in minutes we were on our way to the airport. Almost an hour later, we arrived at Connecticut and then at the hospital where her father was. She approached his room one step at a time, and then when she got to the door she turned around to face me.

“I can’t do this,” she said.

I didn’t know what to do. The only time I had felt as helpless as I currently did was the night my own father also passed away.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked, and she nodded.

She held onto my arm as though for dear life and then we walked into the room to see her mother seated by her father’s bedside, quietly weeping. Her brother sat by the corner, watching his mother, his face also soaked with tears.

Carson let go of her my hand and walked toward her father. A sheet had been pulled over his face.

I turned around and took my leave then, but waited by the door, just in case she needed me. My heart ached for her, as I wondered how she would get through such a difficult time. I swore not to leave her and shut my eyes to offer a prayer to her deceased father.

♡

CARSON

A week later, my father’s funeral proceedings were done and both I and Xander were back in New York.

I was quiet and clung to him like I had all week, so when he asked me where I wanted to go, I had only two words in response. “Your home.”

We fell asleep on his bed together but when I awoke many hours later, I found myself alone on the bed. It was morning, and the rays of the sun were shining brightly into the room and upon my face. For the longest time, I couldn't bring myself to rise, so I just stared at the vast skyline beyond the windows and thought of my father.

Life keeps moving on regardless of what you think or experience. The truth of that statement saddened me more than ever before. I lifted my hand to wipe the tears that rolled down my cheeks, but then something sparkled at the corner of my eye.

I turned my gaze toward it and saw the diamond ring on my finger. My heart stopped beating. Somehow, I found my way down the stairs and stopped when I met Xander by the stove.

He turned around then to transfer the omelet he had been making to a plate and stopped in his tracks when he saw me.

The smile he gave me made my breath catch in my throat. “You’re awake,” he said but I just stared at him.

“I was going to come wake you. I made toast and an omelet. Or do you want something different? I can go out and buy it.”

I ignored his questions and lifted my left hand. “What’s this?”

He stared at the ring on my finger, almost as though he too were seeing it for the first time. “I bought that a while ago. The week I didn't come home after my fight with those executives. I forgot to give it to you then.”

“Why did you buy it?”

“I thought a ring on your finger would keep the pigs away. They didn’t know you were married.”

I lowered my hand and stared at the glistening heart-shaped diamond once more, almost too afraid to ask my next question. “Why are you giving it to me now?”

“Well, we’re still married, aren’t we?”

The tears filled my eyes then and he came over to me. “I can’t handle this right now,” I said to him. “Xander why is this on my finger?”

“I want you,” he said to me.

I raised my eyes to his. He continued. “Indefinitely. I don’t want to live without you. I don’t want this to be just my home, I want it to be ours. Will you have me?”

I lowered my face then as the tears poured down my cheeks and he reached out to draw me into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “I love you… I don’t want to go through life without you.”

I pulled away from him and met his gaze. “What about your concerns?”

“I’m still afraid,” he said. “But I’m more afraid of not seeing you every day, and not having you cradle me at night. I’m more afraid that I won’t ever be able to kiss you again, or fuck you out of your mind.”

I laughed at the statement and covered my face with my hands.

“Say yes,” he pleaded, and I raised my head.

“Say yes to what?”

“Say yes that you’ll marry me, for real this time. I want to make the announcement this time around, to the whole world, that you’re mine. Forever.”

“Forever?” I asked, and he drew my lips to his for the sweetest kiss that he had ever given me.

“Forever,” he responded and wiped the tears from my face.

“Yes, Xander Cage,” I replied. “I will marry you. For real this time.”

THE END