“Am I missing something here?” Will asks the next morning as he pulls into the school parking lot. As he navigates the lot, avoiding the freshmen who are jaywalking all over the place, he glances sideways at me and then over his shoulder at Holden in the back seat. There is suspicion in his eyes. “What is up with you guys?”
“I’m just tired,” I mumble, staring aimlessly out of the Jeep’s windshield through the shaded lenses of my sunglasses. It’s a dull, cloudy day and there is a darkness lingering over Windsor that probably has as much to do with my mood as it does with the clouds, but I refuse to take the sunglasses off.
“Yeah, me too,” Holden says quietly from the back seat. I cast a look over the back of the passenger seat at him, but his face is angled toward the window, his jaw tight. He has been quiet during the short drive to school, and so have I.
In fact, I didn’t even want to go to school today. I wanted to avoid Holden and I wanted to avoid Jaden and I wanted to avoid Dani. Skipping school and staying home, wrapped up in bed with a handful of snacks on the pillow next to me would have been much better use of my time than this. I even feigned sickness when I woke up, dramatizing a fever by drinking glasses of hot water before feebly crawling downstairs to the kitchen. I think that maybe, for a single split second, my parents were fooled. But then Dad only laughed and headed off to work. Mom shook her head and stole the chance—for the hundredth time—to ask me what happened last night. That was enough to send me running back upstairs, pulling on clothes as fast as I could and stuffing my backpack with everything I would require to get through the day, like the sunglasses I refuse to remove so that I don’t have to make eye contact with Holden.
“Are you sure?” Will asks, his tone skeptical as he pulls into an empty parking spot. He puts the Jeep in park, kills the engine, and then swivels around in his seat. There is silence in the vehicle, but I can hear the muffled voices of a group of sophomores who walk past. Will rests his elbow over the edge of his seat, staring into the back seat at Holden with a frown. “Is this about the Jaden thing? Because I thought you guys were over that.”
In the tiny mirror of the pulled-down sun visor, I watch Holden snap his head around to fix Will with a sharp glare. After his confession last night, it is clear he does not appreciate Will’s innocent question. Will doesn’t know that there is a lot more to Holden’s discomfort around the Hunters than we first thought, and I hate not being able to talk about it with him. For Holden’s sake, I am keeping quiet this morning.
“No,” Holden spits firmly. It’s not very convincing, but it’s aggressive enough to stop Will from asking anything more. Grabbing his textbook from the floor, Holden reaches for the car door and shoves it open. He has to duck as he slides out of the Jeep, and then he turns around and leans back in to tell us, “I’m skipping practice today, so wait up for me.” Without waiting for a reply from either of us, he slams the door shut and strides off across the parking lot, disappearing into the flow of other students. The three of us usually walk to our first classes together, so if it wasn’t obvious already that there is something wrong, then it sure as hell is now.
Will cranes his neck to watch Holden until he’s out of sight, and then he looks to me for an explanation. “God, what the fuck is his problem lately?” He shakes his head in bewilderment. Will rarely curses, so it seems he is losing his patience.
“I don’t know,” I lie with a shrug. I push my sunglasses farther up the bridge of my nose to disguise the fact that I’m hiding something, then quickly scoop up my bag from the floor and climb out of the Jeep. I can’t do this every day. I can’t look at Holden every morning before school without thinking about him driving along that road last August. I can’t lie to Will every day. I can’t hide the truth from Jaden and Dani every day. I will only end up feeling as guilty as Holden does, and that guilt would be enough to consume me.
“Are you sure you don’t know?” Will asks, meeting me in front of the hood of the Jeep. With the swift flick of his wrist, he swipes my sunglasses straight off my face and holds them away from me. “Because you’re being pretty weird, too.”
“I told you. I’m tired,” I mutter. I snatch the sunglasses back out of his hand, but now that Holden is gone, I don’t bother to put them back on. Instead, I throw them into my backpack and begin to walk. There is a breeze in the air that chills my face. “Is that such a crime?”
Will holds up both his hands in surrender and dramatically takes a sideways step away from me, increasing the distance between us. “Alright, so now I have two moody best friends,” he jokes, but I don’t laugh. If only he knew what the situation really was, then he definitely wouldn’t be rolling his eyes at us.
I keep my head down as we head for the school’s main door and I stuff one hand into the front pocket of the huge oversized hoodie that I’m wearing. We still have five minutes or so until first period begins, so just enough time for the usual locker trip and hallway gossip. If there was ever a day that I could sincerely say I would rather do anything else than go to my classes, it is today.
Will and I are walking through the courtyard in silence when I hear my name faintly being called from somewhere in the distance. Not MacKenzie, not Kenzie, but Kenz. That’s why I know that it’s Jaden before I’ve even turned around, and I stop dead in my tracks, bracing myself. No matter how much I want to avoid him today, I just can’t. In my heart, I know that I want nothing more than to be around him. I just have to remain calm and collected, strong and in control until I make a decision. I take several slow, deep breaths and then finally turn around. So does Will. Walking straight toward us are, of course, Jaden and Dani.
I can still remember the first day they returned to school after the accident. They had slowly walked across the courtyard, side by side with their eyes on the ground, Jaden’s arm around Dani’s shoulder. Hardly anyone recognized Dani that day. She had cut her hair and dyed it black, and by second period she had already burst into tears and gone home. Jaden, however, stuck it out for the entire school day. There were a lot of hushed whispers that day. A lot of sympathetic glances and commiserating frowns. No one knew what to say, and if anyone did say something, it was nothing more than a few words of consolation. That entire day, I kept quiet. I kept my head down in class, didn’t linger in the hallways, went home for lunch. I was so afraid of bumping into Jaden Hunter that day. I was so scared that he wouldn’t be the same boy I was in love with six months before.
Now, however, it is a different story. Jaden and Danielle Hunter are strolling across the courtyard with confidence in their stride, their heads held high, their blue eyes brighter than ever. Jaden gives a nod of acknowledgment to one of the guys from the team as they pass each other, and Dani can’t stop running her fingers through the ends of her hair. She doesn’t look the same as the girl with the long blond hair, but she also doesn’t look like the girl with the blunt black hair anymore either. There is an exuberance to Dani that I haven’t seen in her for a long time. A bounce in her stride. A smile on her face that is sincere. Her hair is now a rich, dark brunette and it really does suit her. It’s not exactly the same shade as her mom’s, but it’s so much closer than it was before. Yesterday in Spanish class alone, I counted compliments from three different people about how great she looks.
“Hey guys!” Will says, raising his hand to give them a small wave. Will is friends with almost everyone, so he looks pleased to see Jaden and Dani as they reach us, especially now that we are no longer keeping our distance from the two of them. “Kenzie says you can make my party this weekend. You’re still coming, right?”
“Yes, we are! What’s the dress code?” Dani asks. The ends of her hair are curled and she is still running her fingers through them, unable to stop herself. In all of the years that I have known Danielle, I have never seen her look so happy and content. “No dress code,” Will tells her. “Just wear whatever is comfortable.”
The party this weekend is the last thing on my mind right now. Both Holden and the Hunters will be there, and a party puts the three of them within much closer proximity than school does. It will be a lot harder for Holden to avoid the two of them in the confinement of a house. Right now, I try not to think about the problems that will cause, so I tune out of Will and Dani’s conversation and look over to Jaden instead. His focus is already on me, his smoldering eyes burning into me.
“Hey you,” he murmurs, stepping forward. The smile playing at his lips is genuine and there is a glossy shine to his blue eyes that is so sincere that it’s beautiful to look at. After everything that Jaden has gone through, he has found his way back to being content and happy. Dani is on that same road, though her journey is slightly slower, but as the two of them stand before me now, reality hits me all at once—the Hunter twins are happy.
It is in that exact moment that I realize just how much courage I am going to require in order to tell them the truth about what happened that night last August. Jaden and Dani have had an extremely rough year, but month after month they have slowly but surely recovered from the grief they have suffered. Months ago, Dani never smiled. Months ago, Jaden and I didn’t talk. I don’t want to ruin this. I would never forgive myself for breaking their hearts all over again, but could I forgive myself for keeping the truth from them? Could I live with myself, knowing what I know now, but not telling them?
I keep reminding myself that Holden isn’t a criminal. He’s not a bad person, he just made an awful mistake. But he’s wrong, and I don’t know if my loyalty to him is enough to prevent me from doing the right thing. If it was any other secret, anything else, that loyalty would stand. But this? This is too much, and I know within myself that I have to tell the Hunters, however hard it may be. I have to do the right thing.
I feel so overwhelmed by everything, and now that Jaden is standing in front of me, all I can do is collapse straight into him. Wrapping my arms around his body, I bury my face into the crook of his neck and absorb his warmth. I think he’s surprised at my sudden affection, but he is fast to lock his arms around me, pulling me closer. He squeezes me tight and I feel so at ease in his embrace, despite knowing that soon I am going to be the one to crush him with this news. After last night, comfort and reassurance from Jaden is all that I need, even if he doesn’t know what exactly it is that he is comforting me for.
“And so the PDA begins!” Dani teases with a laugh, but I ignore her and only hug Jaden even tighter. I can imagine she and Will rolling their eyes at us, but I don’t care.
After a minute, Jaden leans back from me, though he keeps his arms around my body. His eyes mirror mine and he studies my features, searching for an explanation for my behavior. The distress I’m feeling must be obvious. “What’s up, Kenz?”
“Nothing,” I lie, dropping my eyes to his chest. I place my hand over the material of his jacket and trace a pattern over his chest, unable to look at him. I’m trying my best not to show how guilty I feel, and I lower my voice and tell him, “I just care about you a lot.”
Slowly, Jaden’s frown transforms into a smile and he moves his hand to the back of my neck. The soft skin of his palm radiates heat. “I know you do,” he murmurs, and he leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. I squeeze my eyes shut and place my hand on Jaden’s wrist, tilting my head forward and exhaling, breathing out all of the pressure that has been building since last night.
I am going to tell the Hunters the truth, but not now. I need to find the right time, the right moment.