What?
Emma felt as if she’d been punched, the breath she’d just taken whooshed out of her, leaving her empty and deflated. She wanted to crumple.
They were in love? Ed and Will were a couple? How had she not known?
And it was like one of those pictures where all you originally saw was an old lady’s face but then it became the picture of a duck or a bunch of naked ladies. And once you saw the alternate image you couldn’t un-see it. It had been there all along, hiding in plain sight.
Okay, so all the touching, it wasn’t just boys being boys.
Wow. That was kind of cool, she thought for a moment, before common sense intervened.
But… they knew they couldn’t come out. You definitely couldn’t have two members of a boyband who were not only gay, but in a relationship together. That wasn’t done. It just didn’t happen. It did explain why they’d been making it difficult for her, though.
But this was career ending for them and the band. And what about her?
Crap, all those thoughts she’d had about an early promotion when she’d been given the BOTP boys as a project… Well, if they hadn’t disappeared before, they definitely did now. She’d more likely get demoted. Or fired.
The hand holding her full cocktail started to shake. She put it down next to her empty glass and quickly drank the half-finished one.
This could be it. She could feel coldness in her that had nothing to do with the ice water trickling down her spine or the drink in her mouth.
All her plans, she could see the fracture lines forming in them. Feel the Gantt charts unravelling before her eyes. This job, this career, it was all she had. The only thing that kept her safe. The swooping feeling in her stomach that she’d spent her life trying to suppress sprang up. She felt as if she were standing on the edge of a cliff and was about to fall.
She had to make the plans work. She had to.
Okay, so they were gay. They weren’t the only people in this industry who were gay and in the closet, and all those other people got on with it. Surely Will and Ed knew that sometimes you had to do things you didn’t like to get on in the world.
Hadn’t they learned anything from Gee’s life? The truth doesn’t set you free, it destroys all your dreams and leaves you without a job.
She felt a stab of guilt underneath her panic, she was the one making them lie. Well, not her, if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. They’d still be in the closet. Because that was a fact of life if you wanted a career in this business.
Gee would kill her but… She hadn’t been able to save his dream. Maybe she could save theirs.
Mind you, she thought, all of this did explain some of the bear tableaux she and Jamie couldn’t figure out. Will had been trying to show that it was all for show and that the truth was hidden behind a curtain, and that other people were pulling the levers.
But her job was to maintain that illusion no matter what he thought. And she needed this job, she needed to make sure no one peeked behind the curtain and saw that it was a web of stories that existed in the ether.
‘Look that is great,’ she said, as her mind went at a million miles an hour. How did she get this under control? She could feel it spinning off into a multitude of different ways. Too many possibilities and most of them ending in carnage. No one’s careers surviving. All she needed was one plan. One definite way forward.
Well they already had a plan… if she could get them to stick with it. She needed to play hard ball.
‘Look, it is great,’ she repeated. ‘But really, who actually cares? This is the business side of show business, you know that. This is what you signed up for. It doesn’t matter if you get married and live together. Because to the outside world this,’ she pointed at their joined hands, ‘is not happening. That was in the contract. You, Ed, are still spending Christmas with Frankie and will be kissing her on New Year’s Eve no matter what your little boyfriend here tries.’
Emma channeled all her fear into anger. How could they do this to her? The freefalling feeling that had torn her childhood apart, was almost choking her. Will and Ed needed to grow up and see that this was for their own good. Everything she was doing was to maintain the status quo.
She was giving them structure, giving them a career, a future. If they wanted to come out later, then that would be fabulous but they needed to do this first. She wasn’t stopping them from being together behind closed doors. In fact, with a bit of sleight of hand, they could live a normal life in the closet. Out of it… well, who would buy their music?
Ed and Will looked like she’d slapped them.
Hell, surely someone had spelt it out to them before? She didn’t see Si or McKee mincing their words.
Her anger started to fade.
Crap, now she felt like she’d kicked puppies.
‘Emma! What the fuck?’ Gee said from behind her.
She spun round, and the swooping and falling feeling almost encompassed her.
Bollocks, she’d been concentrating on Ed and Will so much, she hadn’t noticed Gee and Jamie had left the dancefloor and were standing behind her.
‘Oh, hi,’ she said. How much had he heard?
His mouth was set in a thin line and turned down at the corners. She could see his fists were clenched by his sides, as if he was stopping himself from reaching out to her, to shake her.
‘How could you, Emma?’ his voice was low and gritty with anger. ‘Is that what you really believe? You really think that? Because that is an awful thing to say but it is an even more awful thing to think.’ He was frowning at her like she was a stranger. ‘Badly done, Emma. Badly done.’
She wished he had reached out to shake her, because his anger felt worse. Surely, he’d understand? Frantically she thought back over everything she’d said to Will and Ed. Oh… but she didn’t mean him and his circumstances. He knew that, right? She’d only meant the boys, hadn’t she? It wasn’t like with what had happened to him…
She could feel the blood drain out of her face.
She wouldn’t be like those people. She always swore she wouldn’t, that she’d never go that far… and this was different, wasn’t it?
It wasn’t. And she couldn’t lie to herself any longer. She couldn’t spin stories like webs to blind everyone, even herself from reality.
She had let history repeat itself. And she’d been the one who’d done it, who’d said everything that Gee hated about the business.
Her plan for Ed and Will was no different than the one he’d overturned all those years ago. Hadn’t he always told her how horrible it was to deny a part of yourself to the world. How soul destroying it was when you had to live a lie?
She felt chilled, despite the heat of the room.
And she was making someone else live a lie. She had done that.
‘Gee.’ She put her hand out to touch him, if he would just let her explain what she really meant.
‘I didn’t…’ she started.
‘But you did,’ he said backing away from her hand. ‘No, Emma. Just no. I don’t think I can stand to be around you right now. I thought better of you, I really did. I thought you got it, even if I didn’t like your job I thought you would know where the line was. So, don’t expect me to listen to whatever spin you are going to put on this. I don’t want your lies or your make believe. Go on living in your fantasy world if that is what you want, that place where you can control everything. Even the truth.’ He sounded disgusted, his face almost immobile as he spoke, as if he couldn’t bring himself to move it. Like he was holding himself together.
He grabbed Jamie’s hand and turned away from her. ‘Ed, Will, fancy getting a drink? Preferably somewhere far away from here?’ he said, ignoring her.
‘Sure,’ Will said. Ed nodded and Jamie coughed but didn’t let go of Gee’s hand. They all wore the uncomfortable faces of people who’d been caught up in a real-life soap opera.
Ed and Will brushed past her and then the four of them walked away and not one of them said goodbye. Only Jamie turned back and sent her a tentative smile, as he allowed Gee to lead him out.