‘How could you not tell me your housemate was Gee Knightley?’ Jame whispered.
‘I’ve known him ten years, and lived with him for nine of those. I kind of forget,’ she lied.
But how did you bring up the fact that your best friend and housemate occasionally featured on E!’s Where Are They Now or Top 25 Hottest Boyband Members segments? Every so often The Daily Planet featured pap shots of him looking dishevelled if there was a slow news day and tried to make out he was a drug addict. Usually it was due to an all-nighter in the studio but The Daily Planet had never let anything like the truth get in the way of a good headline. She should know. The Daily Planet was the first outlet they usually used to try and seed any new fauxmance.
Yeah, and it wasn’t something you threw out in conversation, who you lived with. Even if you worked in the music business. In fact, it was actually less likely if you worked in the business.
‘But he’s Gee Knightley,’ Jamie said urgently as if Emma didn’t understand the concept. ‘And I’m wearing his shirt.’ His voice was squeaky but his hand stroked his shirt
‘As long as you don’t spill anything over it, I’m sure you’ll be fine,’ she said sharply. And another one has fallen for the Knightley charm, she thought unkindly.
The doorbell went.
Showtime, she thought as she smiled at Jamie and went to get the door. Soon Dan would arrive and then the big plan of the night could start.
By the time Gee came back down to the kitchen, the work crowd had started in on the drinks. Ice was tinkling in glasses, tops were being popped on bottles and cans and someone was even making use of the cocktail shaker.
And if there was a brief pause in noise, the ice cubes even falling silent as he came downstairs, it was a very small glitch in the soundscape. They were all used to being around celebrities, of course, that was their job. Even those who hadn’t been in the public eye for years. Emma felt her chest tighten, was this fair, maybe she shouldn’t have subjected Gee to this in his own house?
She kept a watch on them as they all tried to play it cool, some going as far as ignoring Gee, except for an initial widening of their eyes.
She found Jamie hiding in the corner and he wouldn’t come out.
‘I should change back into my own shirt,’ he insisted. ‘What happens if I get a drink down it, I could ruin Gee Knightley’s shirt.’
For the love of…
‘You’re ruining my plan,’ she said to Gee as she passed him on the way to the stairs to open the door again to more party guests. He was making stilted conversation with a wide-eyed Max and his boyfriend.
‘Plan?’ he said turning away from them and frowned at her before sighing. ‘Of course, you have a plan.’ He all but smacked his forehead with his hand. ‘I should’ve guessed. Who is the unfortunate victim this evening?’ he asked looking round the room. ‘Don’t tell me it’s that nice boy you gave my favourite top to? Really Emma, you do know he doesn’t play for your team?’
‘Of course I do. Why does everyone think I don’t notice these things?’ Emma groused. Why did Gee always think she was clueless about what was going on around her? It was insulting.
‘Just checking. I don’t think I want to know what you’re cooking up, but I don’t want you to get hurt, Ems.’ He grasped her upper arm and squeezed it.
‘I won’t,’ she said. ‘Remember I have the plan. Another year before dating and anyway I don’t get hurt.’ Hurt only happened to people who didn’t plan.
‘Yeah, of course, how could I forget,’ Gee said and then took a long draw from the bottle of beer he was holding.
She walked upstairs, as the doorbell rang again, and wondered why Gee had looked so stern. She probably shouldn’t have forced him into the party. She really would buy him the nice peanut butter.
‘Dan! You made it,’ she said as she opened the door to her work colleague. She wanted to add, ‘at last’, considering it was nearly an hour since the party officially started. Instead she said, ‘I’m so glad you could make it.’
‘I wouldn’t miss a chance to hang out with you, Ems,’ he said and leant forward to kiss her on both cheeks. She tried not to flinch as his wet lips touched her skin. Had he not heard of air kissing?
‘I bought this for you.’ He thrust a bottle gift bag into her hands. Ribbon spilled off it, glittery tissue paper foamed from the top.
‘Oh, you shouldn’t have.’ She said. Wet lips aside, it was, well, very sweet. Dan was obviously the thoughtful type. Jamie was going to be in for a treat, she thought. Okay she was rocking this matchmaking thing.
‘This way.’ She gestured with the bottle bag, letting the ribbons bounce. ‘We’re all in the kitchen. Everyone always says it’s the best place to be at parties so I figured we’d just have the party in it to start with. Save everyone time.’
Dan’s answering laugh was a bit too loud. She knew she was funny but she wasn’t that funny. Gee usually rolled his eyes at her jokes and told her not to give up the day job.
As she led the way down the stairs, she knew she’d done the right thing having the party in the kitchen. The large Victorian house’s whole lower ground floor, not quite a basement, was a massive kitchen with a laundry room off to the side. It meant she didn’t have to go far to get drinks or ice. And having Gee push the big wooden table that was usually in the centre to one end gave them more space. She looked around the room. Max and his boyfriend were sprawled on the battered sofa talking to that girl, so and so, from the social media team. Various people were perched on its arms. Plus Gee had brought down some of the dining room chairs which were all occupied – people perched on stools whilst some stood around.
And now with all of the main players at the party, it was turning out how she wanted it.
Excellent.
‘Let me get you a drink,’ she said as she quickly steered Dan towards the corner where Jamie was perched on a stool. He couldn’t have chosen better, she thought. She could make sure they were tucked away together, almost secluded and then let nature take its course.
As long as it was the course that she had planned. No going off script.
‘Dan, you know Jamie from work, don’t you?’ Emma pushed Dan into the convenient seat next to Jamie. It was a pity the sofa was taken because the seat cushions sagged nicely in the middle and forced people closer together. But she had to work with what she had.
‘Hi Jamie,’ Dan said. Jamie blushed and wiggled his fingers.
Emma began to move away.
‘Where are you going?’ Dan said as he got back up.
No. This wasn’t the plan.
‘Just going to get you both drinks and put this away.’ She waved the gift bag at him while simultaneously pushing him back into the chair. ‘Don’t go anywhere.’
Emma wondered if she could say ‘sit, stay’ – Dan’s face was a bit like a well-bred dog’s, if only she could work out which breed.
She backed away with a flutter of her fingers, her other hand gripping on tightly to the gift bag. She kept her eyes on them for as long as possible before she turned and headed to the laundry room.
‘Smug much,’ Gee said from where he was surveying the crowd whilst leant against the wall next to the door.
‘I’m not sure what you mean.’ This was the problem with Gee, he never let her get away with anything. She hoped he wasn’t going to interfere with her plans. Why he got so wound up when she was only trying to help people, she couldn’t quite work out. Okay, so sometimes he’d been right and got her out of some sticky situations. She shuddered when she remembered a particularly embarrassing party just after they’d graduated. It wasn’t her fault that Mandy from her course and her boyfriend had misinterpreted what Emma had meant. When you’re drunk it was very easy to mix up menagerie and ménage a trois. She’d thought they’d been discussing a dream of opening an animal rescue centre while they… Thankfully Gee had intervened before their suggestion to “show Emma” had got too embarrassing.
‘You have that cat-that-got-the-cream smile that you only get when you’re conniving something…’ He raised his bottle of beer to his mouth, his eyes squinting as he watched her.
Okay maybe that is why he always knew… She needed to work out how to have a better poker face.
‘You looked exactly like that at the Phooke wedding,’ Gee continued as he lowered the bottle and then pointed it at her. ‘You’d better not be setting me up with that poor sap. I refuse to let you entangle me in one of your plans.’
‘Jamie is not a sap,’ she replied. Although he had a point, Jamie was a bit wet behind the ears. London hadn’t quite knocked the corners off him yet.
‘No, Ems. I mean it. Do not set him up with me,’ he growled.
What? Gee and Jamie? She could feel her face screw up in instant distaste. No. No.
‘No. So not what is happening,’ She said, shaking her head vigorously. She wasn’t sure why she was so adamant, but just no. She shuddered.
‘Good.’ He carried on drinking his beer. ‘I can find my own boyfriend, or girlfriend,’ he said after swallowing.
Damn, was he really dating someone, she thought? Maybe she should’ve said he could invite someone too.
There was the sound of tearing. She looked down to see that the glittery tissue paper looked limp and torn. Her hand having clenched too hard round the top of the gift bag.
No, that was fine, if he wanted to date. Gee being happy was part of her plan, of course. She wasn’t a horrible human being, she was a good friend. She thought back to her Google doc; in which part of her plan did he have someone else? She couldn’t remember. Was it before or after she had settled down?
She walked past him into the laundry room and stowed the battered bottle bag in one of the cabinets. Her fingers itched to grab her phone and check her plan.
No, this party wasn’t about her and Gee. She had plans both for her and for Jamie. Stalking past Gee, she grabbed two beers from the fridge and poured herself a glass of wine. Juggling them she went back to Jamie and Dan.
Damn it. While she’d been distracted by Gee, it seemed to have not gone well.
Jamie was picking the label off his empty beer bottle, every so often darting looks at Dan. While Dan seemed to be ignoring him and was watching her come back.
They weren’t talking. This wasn’t good.
Obviously, she thought, Jamie was too overawed by Dan. And Dan needed to see that underneath Jamie’s callow and unsophisticated exterior was someone that Dan could date.
She needed to get them talking to see how perfect they were for each other. Dragging up a stool, Emma sat beside them, crossed her ankles and took a drink of wine.
‘So, how are you two getting on?’ she said brightly. She kept her eyes wide and hoped that the smug look that Gee had mentioned was gone.
‘Great,’ Dan said turning his back on Jamie to focus on Emma.
Crap. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. Change of tactics.
‘Hold on.’ She got up and manoeuvred the small stool she had been sitting on, so that she sat just in front of the two of them. She was going to have to treat this like a business meeting. Why couldn’t people do what she needed them to do? It was always easier if they followed her plans. Okay, so what did they have in common other than work? She had to find the one thing that linked them, and then this could be spun out into something stronger. Hmmm, they were both Feckless Rogue fans, weren’t they? She remembered Jamie mentioning it and of course, Dan had hung his access all areas pass from his monitor at work. The one from their last show at KOKO, where Phooke had allegedly started. Good, they could talk music, specifically the Rogues.
‘I hear that the Feckless Rogues’ new album is going a bit more electronic dance?’ She threw that comment like a grenade into the silence. No true Feckless Rogues fan could resist defending their idols against what they saw as the evils of EDM. And she knew it was a complete lie as Gee had been working on their music and she’d fallen over the band jamming in the kitchen too many times. But they didn’t need to know that, it wasn’t their business.
‘What?’ Jamie squawked, his eyes wide and affronted.
‘Emma, don’t be silly,’ Dan said almost immediately.
‘That is a total lie,’ they said in unison.
They looked over at each other and stared for a moment before bursting out laughing.
‘Cheers,’ Dan said as he leant over and clinked bottles with Jamie.
Jamie did look adorable, biting his lip and looking up through his lashes at Dan. Emma kept quiet as they discussed the pros and cons of the last album, arguing over which was their favourite track.
She found herself looking round the kitchen. She didn’t see it as a kitchen though, she saw it like one of those large battle plans, that commanders would lean over and push little tanks around on, with long sticks.
Her main objective had been achieved. Good. She found herself squinting into the distance. The two forces she wanted to engage were now in conversation. But that didn’t mean that she could ignore what else needed to be done. One conversation didn’t necessarily make a relationship. She looked around for reinforcements or any small romantic skirmishes she could help with.
Her gaze skittered over Gee. She ignored him, she didn’t want to drag him into her plans. He was like the UN observer; she knew he wouldn’t interfere in any of her plans if she left him alone. Maybe she should get him a light blue beanie? It would look good against his black hair, she mused.
She quickly pushed thoughts of him from her head and concentrated on the rest of her colleagues. Because that was who was really in here. She hadn’t invited any real friends.
Who would she have invited? And should she have done?
Mostly she hung out with Gee and his friends, a mix of disreputable over the hill musos and the occasional producer, she supposed they were her friends too. And there was Johnnie, of course, Gee’s old band mate and then there was Mick. Actually, it was good that Mick wasn’t here. Of all of Gee’s friends he was the most famous and she wasn’t sure these people wouldn’t have lost their cool. Mick hosted the highest rated national radio breakfast show and had recently moved into TV presenting.
Any music person or actor in their right mind wanted to be invited on his show. Even if it meant he ripped them to shreds.
Yeah, it was a good thing Mick was missing.
Harry and Lew were in LA, and she missed Lew’s cynical but sympathetic opinions and Harry’s hugs. Even if they refused to introduce her to Austen Wentworth.
She had friends from uni, Keris and Katey, who’d been in halls with her. But what did they have in common anymore? Keris had a plan like hers, cutting out anything extraneous that distracted her from getting to the top, from becoming partner in the law firm she’d sold her soul to. And Emma could understand that. It was something you had to do if you wanted to make sure you had security, safety.
And Katey, well, she just wasn’t focused. She only wanted to talk about her waste of space boyfriend, Gary, who was in a dead-end job. What was it again? God, it frustrated her. Didn’t Katey know she couldn’t rely on anyone but herself in the end? Sure, it was great to take off for a weekend to Glastonbury, for fun. But she could do that later, when she had roots and a stable career plus a roof over her head.
Enough of that, she tried to shake off her melancholy. This was not the time for that. Who else here needed her help?
She watched as one of the women who led Digital Strategy waved her hands as she talked passionately near the cooker to the intern from Analytics. He had a boyfriend but she knew the digital strategy lady was like her, she had a plan. But, Emma’s mind raced, moving onto work. The woman was great at digital strategy, maybe she could help out with the Breach Of The Peace boys. She’d need all the help she could get for them. That was if she ever worked out who they would be fauxmancing with.
She let the sounds wash over her. Nothing needed nudging into place at the moment, everything was going swimmingly. She could stop moving metaphorical tanks over her battle table for the moment. She started to sift through names of female celebrities in her head.
Diana Tomlinson, she mused. Well, she was maybe a bit older than who she needed for the boys, although she had some great publicity coming out of Les Dalrymple’s version of Pride and Prejudice last year, the one that starred Austen Wentworth.
Ah, but there was that rumour that she and Olivia Styles were on the verge of coming out. No, that wouldn’t do the boys any favours. And she couldn’t see it working plus the fan bases were too far apart. It had Hiddleswift levels of nonsense written all over it.
Jillian Mansell’s name leapt into her mind. Nope, Emma remembered as she sipped her wine. Jillian had tested very badly when they’d been looking at her for the hook up with first Will Elliot and then Phil, which was why they’d gone with Brooke in the end.
Phooke were back from honeymoon now of course. She got out her phone and made a note to talk to Jamie on Monday to arrange some public dates to showcase the happy couple.
Tomorrow was going to be a serious research day if she was to have any hope of building a decent set of plans for the boys in time for the meeting next week.
She could still hear Will’s voice telling her to ‘bring it on’ whenever she wanted to throw in the towel.
‘Don’t you think?’ Jamie said and touched her arm.
Emma came back to the conversation with a jolt to see both of them watching her.
‘Sorry, missed that?’ she said.
‘We’re saying that we should try out that new cocktail bar that opened in Hoxton next week,’ Dan said. ‘You know the one, it has the unicorn glitter theme.’
‘That sounds great, you two should definitely go,’ she said.
‘Oh, we thought you’d enjoy going.’ Jamie said looking a little crestfallen. ‘It has unicorns.’
Did he not understand anything? She swore it was like herding cats to get Jamie to realise that she was trying to give him time with Dan. Unicorns or not.
‘Okay, wow, unicorns. That sounds great, why don’t we sort out dates on Monday?’ Emma covered. It seemed that she couldn’t let these two sort things out for themselves. It was a pity they were too old to play games like Spin the Bottle. Mind you, it would be easier if she could treat them how she had her dolls when she was a kid. Pick them up and bang their heads together so they’d kiss.
Free will was all very well but it made her life much more difficult.
Dan excused himself to go to the loo, his hand grazing Emma’s shoulder as he left. Maybe she should’ve moved Jamie to sit where she was. More chances for accidental touching. But it was too late to worry about that. She needed to move this one on. She didn’t like to do this, it was clunky and overkill, like running a tank over an egg to break it. In her head, she manoeuvred a Panza division over the hills onto her battle plan and into range.
‘Jamie, you know he is completely into you.’ She went for the jugular. She was only exaggerating the truth slightly, surely. Sometimes you had to seed the idea for it to happen.
‘He is?’ Jamie looked surprised. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course I am, he can’t take his eyes off you. I swear that shirt is perfect for you. Really has made him see you as more than just a co-worker.’
She wasn’t lying; what she did was spin possibilities, stories that had a kernel of promise to be true. Sometimes you had to show people the end point before they could get on board. If she got Jamie believing that Dan was into him, he would flirt more. This in turn would get Dan engaged, and so the cycle would go on, and all by saying a few key words.
She wondered if she’d be thanked in their wedding speech. They’d look good for a winter wedding, both of them could take rich reds and greens.
‘I suppose he is good looking,’ Jamie mused. ‘And he has got great taste in music.’
‘He’s perfect for you.’ She didn’t add, ‘so much more than quiet mousy Rob’.
‘Do you think?’ He was watching Dan stroll back into the kitchen as if he owned it. She had to admit, Dan left her cold, there was something slightly repellent about him, as if he were looking down his nose at people. He was probably shy, she thought. What was the type of dog he reminded her of?
She smothered the voice in her mind that was saying he was a shallow arse, and that Jamie deserved better. It sounded a lot like Gee.
‘Absolutely,’ she lied.
Dan smiled as he walked towards where they were pressed together whispering, he looked predatory. Almost underdressing Jamie with his eyes. She wanted to clap her hands together and squeal.
‘Hey, what are you two conspiring about?’ Dan joked.
‘Nothing,’ Jamie said slightly breathless.
‘I’m not sure I trust the two of you together?’ Dan’s flirting was heavy-handed but Jamie lapped it up.
‘Excuse me.’ Jamie left to ‘freshen up’.
Dan moved a bit closer. Well, it was hard to hear over the voices.
‘I think Jamie looks great in that shirt, don’t you?’ she said as she watched him walk out of the kitchen.
‘Yeah, sure.’ Dan said.
Had he even looked?
Okay, Dan might be a harder sell than Jamie but she could do this. She’d managed to get Phil, who had notoriously said that he’d never date a singer again after a disastrous relationship, to marry Brooke. She’d created the Phooke phenomenon. She could make people believe black was white. It was the way you sold it, after all.
What was Dan’s soft spot? The one thing that she could flatter him with?
‘Jamie was saying how much he admired that presentation you did last week on audience segmentation?’ she lied. It had been dry, boring, and all he had done was regurgitate facts that they all knew.
‘Oh, really?’ Dan’s chest puffed out and preened.
Bingo, she thought. He obviously thought he was an intellectual.
‘Yes, we were discussing which part we thought was the best. I thought it was how you explained the breakdown of fan behaviour as being like ice cream flavours they like, but Jamie was particularly taken with your analysis of the LGBT+ fans.’ In reality, his analysis had been horribly clichéd for someone who was gay. But just because you were part of a group didn’t automatically give you insights into the audience, she thought. She hoped Jamie would go with her bending of truth, she had no idea what he thought about Dan’s presentation. In fact, maybe he’d slept through it. She had a vague memory of Jamie jolting awake at the end and knocking her knee. She’d only kept awake because she’d begun craving a chocolate ice cream part way through.
‘I put a lot of thought into it. I know how important it is to have LGBT representation and to build allies,’ Dan said winking at her again.
Maybe he had something in his eye or a tick she wasn’t aware of because it would be a bit weird to think he didn’t know that representation and allies were important. Had she drunk too much – or had he?
She spotted Jamie weaving his way back.
‘Jamie, I was just telling Dan how much you liked his presentation last week.’ Jamie looked confused.
Did she have to do all the work?
She widened her eyes and raised her eyebrows. Get the hint.
‘Oh, yes. Fantastic.’ Jamie started nodding and then smiling sweetly when he realised what she was doing.
Okay, this was when she pushed them together, the grown-up equivalent of seven minutes of heaven. She couldn’t lock them in a cupboard…
‘Dan, maybe you can mentor him about it all, give him the lowdown? I’m happy to let him spend some time with you?’ Actually, she wasn’t, because with this new project she was going to be working long hours. But the path of true love, or at least proper partnerships, never ran smooth. And she was a sucker for getting things right, romance or no romance.
‘That would be great,’ Jamie gushed. Not that he needed mentoring in understanding audiences, he had a natural knack for it. But it looked like he was beginning to understand what he needed to do to get his own audience of one. At long last. One day maybe she wouldn’t have to draw a map for him to get there.
Emma looked up to find Gee staring at them.
She waved.
He rolled his eyes and turned away.